– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

(dan hitting himself in the head with a piano) EHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dundundundundun

Hello Internet, I'd like to tell you a story about dreams

and how they get crushed and die (aka a hydraulic press ☺)

a lot of guys know that i play the piano (such talent much wow and no one cares)

B A D L Y

(plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star how i wunda wot u r)

it's not something my family forced me to do when i was younger.( W O A H 0_0)

i actually decided to start learning myself when i was twelve

when i saw something so beautiful and inspiring....

that it changed my life forever....

an episode of arthur ( the hell |: ')

i am not joking this is what made me want to learn piano ( pfff yeah right)

(Arthur playing Für Elise)nyenenenenenenenenenenenenenneennenennenennenenenennenennenennenennennenenennenennenennenen

i was just so genuinely moved by arthur the aardvark playing für elise.

and thought he was so damn cool which you know obviously he is. LANGUAGE

and just wanted to be like him that i asked my mum if i could have piano lessons.

now, my family couldnmt afford to buy a proper piano or anything generally.

so i had to wait several months until christmas when i got this shitty keyboard

you know the one, the one that they had in all the schools that does the (oh no i'm not ready for this)

dj!1!1!1

and the (mmmHHHH) and the (yeeee)

yeah, i spent the first few months pretty much just making sex noises. (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

but then it was finally time to get lessons.

and fulfill my dream of becoming an aardvark

i spent weeks saving up money by doing jobs for my family and my neighbours.

and found there was a piano teacher on my street

a little old lady who had been a tutor for about fifty years

now you may be wondering why i made out like this was a bad story

and why this all sounds quite past tense.

after all if i started learning twelve years ago surely i'm so incredible pianist by now?

nope bc i quit after eight weeks

now why would i quit something that i was genuinely inspired to do

and still love to this day

easy. my piano teacher was

an eVIL FUCKING MONSTER LANGUAGE

WHO CRUSHED MY SPIRIT LIKE AN ELEPHANT TRAMPLING ON A SWEET INNOCENT FLOWER

(crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

take it easy

what first appeared to be a kind grandma teaching children the joys of music

turned out to be sadistic witch passing the time until her lonely death

by shredding children's aspirations to pieces

HAHUEHEUHEUEHEUEHEUEHEFFTRDFRETRFREGFYYUGY^YGUY^&HYUIUY^U(*YU^

this is an accurate recreation of the first time we met

i'm gonna learn the pianioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

and then ill be cool and finally have frengnz

sIt betch

hi my name is (d a n *war flashbacks* dundidduiyxzozj\8f76e)

spEAK WHEN SPOKEN 2

*swallows pain*

you want to play the piano fo u??

yes?

HEUEHUEHEUHUEHEUEHUEHEUEHEUEHEUEHEHEUEHEHUEEHUEEHjhuujfhdli

there was something bloody wrong with her jeeeeeeeeeeez

to this day i have never met someone as relentlessly miserable

negative and frankly creepy as this piano teacher

here are some of the various things she actually said to me (not clickbait)

show me yo hands (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) i'm sorry)

um ugly fat fingers that's not promising.....................................

[Transitional sound effect]

i teach classical only none of this pop rubbish that you'll want to play

and i choose

oh i taught myself how to play für elise

really?

well let me hear you play it

*inhales as hard as possible bc oxygen is necessary*

stop awful i don't know if it's possible to unlearn that

but it's my fav song!!! i'd love to learn to play it properly

it's a terrible song i hate it, it is easily the worst thing beethoven ever composed

[Transitional sound effect]

(having mental breakdown) piano's still fun

fUn fUn not afraid or crying at night

yo are 4 minutes l8.

sorry i had to wash my neighbour's car to get money for today's lesson

if you can't afford it then don't waste my time

im not doing this for fun

dan having a mental breakdown again

literally exact quotes that have stuck with me for over a decade

i wonder why?????

she was the guy from whiplash except i had no talents to refine

any aspect that i might have thought would be fun about learning an instrument

just turned into something that i was doing wrong

and tbh learning to read sheet music just felt like another piece of homework that i had to fo after school

i'd actually do math hw to procrastinate from practising piano out of fear

that's heavy

now i bet you're thinking alright dan where's this going?

is she gonna redeem herself with a tragic backstory, or maybe you'll both rescue a cat out of a tree together?

and become bff's?

nope no idea she was just a total dick

i hope you're somebody that laughs at other people's misfortunes

you're not just sat there with a sad face already

bc this is just gonna keep going downhill

the moment she completely lost me though

was when she went to the bathroom once in a lesson

and i used the opportunity to snoop around her house

obviously

looking for some kind of proof that she was a super villain or alien

your son was killed by a falling piano

no you were married to a piano but then he died

no you wanted to be a piano but you were born in a human body

and decided to open her fridge cause you know obviously thats were everybody keeps their secrets

and i shit u not this was by far the weirdest thing in this whole ordeal

her entire fridge was filled with meat.

jus meat

no vegetables no milk (war flashbacks) no condiments of any kind

just individual bits of meat in boxes

nope, nope, nope, nope

in hindsight she could have totally been a cannibal or something

i have no idea why i didn't mention this go anyone

for 2 months twice a week i was subjected to her abuse in the terrifying dusty meat cave

and paying for it myself

until one day i had a profound realisation

breathes

wait a minute if i saved my money i could have boughg a PS2 by now

fuck this

and i just didnt turn up to the lesson

i went home, watched an episode of arthur with a bag of crisps

and didn't do my math hw either

no related reason i just didn't like my math teacher (same)

shot op okei r8 todai lads we're going (down down) 2 b talking bout sords.

i felt like i finally beat the cycle of manipulative behaviour

and the joy was beginning to return to my life

when suddenly like the climax of a rly weird movie

she turned up outside my house

hello????

i never considered that she'd come to me

i didn't know this bat could walk

i just assumed that she grew out of the floot by her piano like some weird fungus

i realised that if i ever wanted to get even w/ her

now was the chance

i was home alone just me and the teacher with no one around to see what i'd do

so you know what i did?

i hid

i ran upstairs and literally covered under the bed

having a mental breakdown yet again

i was fucking terrified of her

i didnt care if she wasnt strong enough to open the door by herself

or if shuffling up the street to my hpuse used what little life force she had left

from sucking the souls of innocent babies

i was not confronting her so i hid for about an hour

and she left

and i never spoke to her again

no more piano no more pianonomorepiano

ah wtv

i told my parents she moved to scotland or something

and i decided that instead i would spend my money on something that would make me happy (a PS2?)

a pet hamster (really m8)

and we all know how well that worked out dont we

oh r.i.p suki

jesus i had a traumatizing childhood didnt i???

and there we go my parentd never found out why i stopped my lessons

i didn't speak to the evil piano teacher ever again

and i didnt get round to learning how to read sheet music or improving in any way.

so now i just learn songs that i like by ear

and play them really badly.

[plays Mia and Sebastian's Theme from 'La La Land' end]

[bell sounds, applause]

but now, after literally ten years

I think I'm finally over it and I'm actually considering getting lessons again,

which is why i decided to film this

and hey, this time, if the teacher's mean to me,

I'll tell my Mum!

Instead of just suffering in silence.

Which I did quite a lot as a child.

I guess the point I'm making in this video

is don't let anybody crush your spirit,

find somebody positive that will nurture your talent and inspire you,

and Arthur had a bigger impression on me as a child than any adult.

The End.

Well, that was really like a public therapy session, wasn't it?

Eh, who am I kidding, that's this entire channel, isn't it?

Leave a comment down below this post telling me any stories that you might have

about any insane, or maybe inspiring, teachers that have a more just ending than mine hopefully,

and I will read those later. Thanks.

8:44.4 If you want more slightly too personal stories from somebody less functional than yourself

then you can click here to subscribe to my channel,

and make sure you ding that bell to get notifications when I upload.

Also, make sure you check out the videos that I am uploading to my side channel each week,

which are hour-long livestreams

where I have deep, philosophical, intimate conversations about things

which you might enjoy if you want to see another side of me,

and yeah, Arthur is furry propaganda designed to brainwash our children

and that is all. Bye!

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
dreams /driːmz/ B1	noun - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.
crushed /krʌʃt/ B1	verb - to press something forcefully so as to break, injure, or deform it.
talent /ˈtælənt/ B1	noun - a natural aptitude or skill.
inspiring /ɪnˈspaɪərɪŋ/ B2	adjective - arousing enthusiasm and eagerness.
episode /ˈepɪsoʊd/ B1	noun - an event or a group of events occurring as part of a larger sequence.
joking /ˈdʒoʊkɪŋ/ A2	verb - saying something to cause laughter.
genuinely /ˈdʒenjuɪnli/ B1	adverb - in a sincere and honest way.
cool /kuːl/ A2	adjective - fashionable or attractive.
afford /əˈfɔːrd/ A2	verb - have enough money to pay for.
shitty /ˈʃɪti/ C1	adjective - very bad or unpleasant.
lessons /ˈlesənz/ A2	noun - a period of teaching or training.
saving /ˈseɪvɪŋ/ A2	verb - accumulating money.
tutor /ˈtuːtər/ B1	noun - a person who provides assistance or instruction.
incredible /ɪnˈkredəbl/ B2	adjective - difficult to believe; extraordinary.
spirit /ˈspɪrɪt/ B1	noun - the non-physical part of a person.
elephant /ˈelɪfənt/ A2	noun - a very large mammal with a trunk.
sadistic /səˈdɪstɪk/ C1	adjective - deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
aspirations /ˌæspəˈreɪʃənz/ B2	noun - a hope or ambition of achieving something.

Key Grammar Structures

• I actually decided to start learning myself when I was twelve.

  ➔ Past Simple + infinitive of purpose

  ➔ The verb "decided" is in the **past simple** to show a completed decision, and "to start" is an **infinitive** expressing the purpose of that decision.

• If I saved my money, I could have bought a PS2 by now.

  ➔ Third conditional (mixed past‑present)

  ➔ "If I saved" uses the **past simple** in the if‑clause, while "could have bought" is a **modal + perfect infinitive** showing an unreal result that would affect the present.

• She was a sadistic witch passing the time until her lonely death.

  ➔ Past continuous participle phrase

  ➔ "passing" is a **present participle** that adds extra information about what she was doing while being described as a "sadistic witch".

• I never considered that she'd come to me.

  ➔ Past simple + reported clause with future-in-the-past

  ➔ "never considered" is in the **past simple**, and "she'd come" is a contraction of "she would come", which is the **future-in-the-past** form.

• I was terrified of her.

  ➔ Past simple of verb "to be" + adjective

  ➔ "was" is the **past simple** of "be", and "terrified" functions as an adjective describing the subject's feeling.

• I hid under the bed.

  ➔ Past simple of verb "hide"

  ➔ "hid" is the **past simple** form of "hide", indicating a completed action in the past.

• I think I'm finally over it and I'm actually considering getting lessons again.

  ➔ Present simple + present progressive + infinitive of purpose

  ➔ "I think" is **present simple**, "I'm finally over it" uses **present progressive** to describe a current state, and "considering getting" employs the **gerund** after "consider" to talk about a future action.

• I'll tell my mum!

  ➔ Future simple with "will"

  ➔ "I'll" is a contraction of "I will", the **future simple** used to express a decision made at the moment of speaking.