– Bilingual Lyrics Chinese/English

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Hello everyone

I am Wang Jiaying

from Nanjing Normal University

I am an ordinary college psychology teacher

and also a psychological counselor

This is where I work

A small psychological counseling room

In the past 10 years

countless young people with frowns have come here

I still

often sigh and be grateful for my luck

You can face real people

Feel those sincere and complex emotions

You can explore possibilities together

I do my favorite job

Then my main work targets are college students

Including undergraduates, masters and doctors

When they come for consultation

We will count why they come

Among all the main reasons for complaint

The top three are

Self-exploration Emotional distress and interpersonal relationships

Today I want to start from these three parts

Share with you

Some observations during my work process

In the consulting room

Students will show great confusion about themselves

They use various examples and expressions to say

I don’t know what my advantages are

I don’t know what I like

I don’t know what kind of life I want to live

I don’t know what my relationship is with the world

I can’t find my place either

They will cry and tell me

Teacher, I don’t want to listen to my parents’ arrangements

They don’t know what I want

But what makes me saddest is

I don’t know myself either

There is a class on self-theme in college

The teacher will definitely take the students

to do such an exercise

Call 20 people who I am

That is,

Write 20 sentences describing yourself starting with me

For example, what is my name

Am I a boy or a girl

I am tall

I am very curious about the world

I like to play games

I am a person who is cold on the outside and hot on the inside

Sometimes I like myself

But sometimes I hate myself

I hope that in the future I can not care about other people's eyes

Live the life I want

For some students

they can write 20 long sentences smoothly

But some students will get stuck

They can only write about themselves

The basic information of the social self and the physiological self

It is difficult to write those more vivid and rich

descriptions of the psychological self

So who am I

What is my value

What kind of person do I want to be

Erikson called this

continuous, integrated, stable inner experience of the self

called self-identity

He proposed the stage theory of social development

Divide a person's life into eight stages of development

In each stage

there is a specific development task that we need to complete

and a crisis that needs to be overcome

And self-identity is the most important development task in adolescence

that is 12 to 18 years old

...

In 2000

Arnett, an American developmental psychologist, proposed

Due to the popularization of higher education

The age of marriage and childbirth is generally postponed

Social change factors such as unstable career paths

Young people's self-exploration has begun to lag

The relationship between adolescence and early adulthood

will become blurred

So a new stage of development

is called emerging adulthood

Generally refers to the interval from 18 to 29 years old

According to Arnett's research

he said that most people in the world will

feel like adults at the age of 29

So for a young person

chaos, conflict and contradiction

are all normal

They need to be rebellious

need to break the rules

need to be in that chaos

to clash

to explore

Go try

Find your new coordinates

But in the process of our growth

we are often told this

Just go to junior high school

Just go to high school

Just go to university

It seems that before the age of 18

The college entrance examination is the only goal in our lives

Many students will tell me

They actually feel best when they are in their third year of high school

Because at that time

they have clear goals

no distracting thoughts

life is simple

just do questions every day

everything is for the college entrance examination

But in such an environment

we have no time and space to think about who we are

And when they actually went to college

they found that college was not as good as others said.

College is difficult

and very complicated

Not only do they have to study

They also have to participate in student organizations

Comprehensive evaluation

Volunteer service

Scientific research competition

There are also group reports and other things

So the children are broken

They feel at a loss

I see some students trapped in the past

They will have recurring nightmares about the college entrance examination until their senior year.

In that dream, he couldn't write the answer in the examination room

And the scene in this dream

has also been transferred to real life

Before every exam

he would toss and turn and have difficulty falling asleep

There is no way to face the challenges in current life

There is a concept in psychology called learned helplessness

It refers to the individual's repeated failures or setbacks.

A mental state of

helplessness, hopelessness and helplessness

This comes from an experiment on electric shock dogs by Martin Seligman in the 1960s

...

...

Their initial explanation for this experiment was

If a person accepts some frustrating experiences

then this frustrating experience will make him

Learned helplessness

Due to the development of neuroscience 50 years later

psychologists put forward a new perspective on this experiment

...

They said that it turns out that helplessness is human nature

When we encounter difficulties

When we are in trouble

We will freeze and be overwhelmed

And control is something we learn

That is to say, it is the successful experiences in the past

that give us the courage to take action when facing difficulties

...

So

instead of always remembering and reviewing those failures

what we should think of more often is

my past successful experiences

those things that I think I have done pretty well

Some people are trapped in the past

There are also some students who will be trapped in the future

They will hold on to the vision of a better future

Give up the current life

Invest in the wave of graduate school, public examination, and big factory

To pursue the good future that others say

Leave everything to uncertainty

There are also some students who will be trapped in comparison

Compare scores

Compare extra points for activities

Compare competitions

Compare winning awards

Compare eloquence

How much better than friends

And in the comparison again and again

keep denying ourselves

It seems that we must be better than others

in order to feel our own value

And these difficulties surround college students

They have lost the courage to try and make mistakes

Nor do they know

how to choose

when facing the major choices in life

I am often asked

teacher what should I choose

Should I take the postgraduate entrance examination or go to work

Should I go back to my hometown or go to a big city

Should I be a self-media or a teacher

Should I insist on staying apart or break up

Those students who are confused

are eager to find a correct answer

because they are afraid of making the wrong choice

Also afraid of being responsible for my own choices

I will tell them

I don’t know

Because that is not my life

But I will accompany them to explore

In fact, it is normal to be confused about myself at this stage

...

I didn’t know what I wanted to study when I took the college entrance examination

There was no Zhang Xuefeng at that time

My parents didn’t understand either

But there seems to be a basic consensus that

If you study mathematics, physics and chemistry well, you will not be afraid of traveling all over the world

So I randomly applied for an engineering major in the Yangtze River Delta region

It seemed to have a rather powerful name

It was called Thermal Energy and Power Engineering (Energy and Environment)

It was not until later that I found out

It was a boiler-burning major

In my junior year, we started to visit for internships

Then we are going to visit power plants, turbine plants and boiler plants

There are huge conveyor belts in those plants

Huge chimneys

And particularly huge boilers

Then there is a 6×6 display screen in the control room

On it are real-time monitoring numbers and charts

I was so stupid standing there

I said, oh my God, what kind of place is this

I will never work here in the future

That was the first time in my life that

an idea popped up very clearly in my mind

I don't like numbers and charts

I want to do work related to people

So when I went back that day

I made up my mind to take the postgraduate examination in psychology across majors

In fact, I didn't have any goals in college

Maybe it was because I didn't know anything

So I have a lot of space to explore

and do a lot of useless things

The decision to cross majors is so easy

Maybe it's because

we couldn't see the employment rankings and salary levels at that time

So it seems that you can listen to your inner voice more

There are many unknowns in this world

You can only practice by yourself

And similar choices

I think for today's college students

it has indeed become more difficult

because they are now facing a

highly complex and tense environment

Information explosion

Value diversity

Intensified competition

Uncertain future employment prospects

Turn on your phone and all the information will teach you how to behave

Tell you what is right

Parents will also be very anxious

They tell their children

Every step in life is important

You cannot make a mistake in every step

Children have also been asking themselves to be correct.

They will often say what I should be like

What I must be like

And in such an environment

It becomes increasingly difficult to distinguish

what I want to be

and what others want me to be

...

Some students told me

They will present different selves on different platforms

Be independent, confident and vital in the circle of friends

On Xiaohongshu, I love life and the years are quiet.

But on Weibo,

I am fragile and sensitive, irritable and irritable, and I go crazy every day.

Under these carefully crafted characters,

they cannot see their own appearance clearly.

Use the false self to conform to the expectations of the outside world.

The false self

is a concept proposed by the British psychologist Winnicott.

It initially refers to the early stage of an individual's life.

Due to the lack of response from his mother,

he will suppress his own needs

and give priority to obeying the mother's needs.

Develop a false self that is functional

but relatively empty.

This false self

is like a protective mask.

It can help us survive in social relationships.

But it will lead to a break with the inner true self.

Brings self-alienation

Due to the incomplete development of self-identity

this sense of self-confusion

will make young people have blurred values, lack of goals, and self-contradiction

It is difficult to make major choices in life

But what they have to face is

He must make a choice at the end of college

But self-development is actually a lifelong process

Jung calls it individuation

Jung said that rather than being a perfect person

I would rather be a complete person

It is closely related to our psychology

In addition to the self

There is also our emotions

I want to ask everyone first

How often do you cry

Do you still remember why you cried last time

A boy came to the consultation room before

He said teacher, I feel very uncomfortable

Actually I really want to cry

But I haven't cried for a long time

I haven't cried since junior high school

I asked why

He said because I think crying is a very weak sign

And I will worry that I won't be able to stop crying

I said we have 50 minutes

And there is a lot of paper here

Maybe you can try

So he started crying

After 25 minutes

He slowly calmed down

He said teacher, I'm done crying

I asked him how he felt now

He said it felt like a big stone that had been weighing on his heart disappeared

We were born to interact with the world through crying

Babies send signals to the outside world through crying

They will calm down when they are satisfied

In the cultural background of all mankind

there are six common basic emotions

They are happiness, sadness, fear, surprise, anger and disgust

Surprise is a neutral emotion here

The only positive emotion is happiness

The other four are negative emotions

Emotions themselves are not right or wrong

It is a unique feeling that belongs to each of us

When our needs are met

I will have positive emotions

When my needs are not met

I will have negative emotions

And as we grow up

it seems that crying

becomes a wrong thing

Often students will cry in the consultation room when they are moved

They will stop suddenly

Then don’t go over your head and say sorry to the teacher

Why should we be sorry for our true emotions

Why should we feel sorry for our sadness

The essence of emotions is change

It is the denial, neglect and suppression

that allow us to fix the emotions that would otherwise flow away

Sadness, anger and joy will appear

and then disappear

Just like clouds in the sky

We will send messages to others to wish them well and say

I wish you happiness every day

Because no one can be happy every day

So this is a blessing

Emotions will flow away naturally

You should be outgoing

Optimistic and cheerful

Positive

Boys should be brave

What problems can crying solve

Girls are emotional

Young people often hear these voices

They have also implanted these beliefs into their own minds

They are telling themselves that negative emotions are bad

They should not exist

They should be denied, ignored and suppressed

So college students are very accustomed to

packing those negative emotions into a ball

They cannot tell

whether they are sad, worried, dissatisfied or wronged

Just trying to pack those bad things

Throw them all into the trash can

Some time ago, a student came to me and said

She said teacher

Now my friends and I will call ourselves rat people

What I mean is rat people

Rat people refer to

Living in the basement like rats

They don’t want to socialize

Don’t want to go out

Day and night are reversed

Playing with mobile phones every day

Living by taking out food

Then they have no confidence in themselves

and no hope for the future

A state of low energy

This description of rat people

It is actually a kind of self-deprecation by students

But I think it also contains

A very important self-attack of college students

I would like to ask everyone to take a few seconds to think about a question

If you have important things in the next few days

But you didn’t do anything today

You also stayed up until midnight to watch short videos

What voice will appear in your mind

I heard some answers already

Waste

Another day wasted

Can’t even control the phone

What else can you do

You are so stupid

Who will like you

You are so useless

Why do you tremble every time you speak

It's just because you are lazy

So you can't do anything well

You always think randomly

You are really useless

These words pierce people's hearts like arrows

But the ones who shoot the arrows are ourselves

Not as cool and cool as the students look

...

Their minds are filled with the voice of self-attack

If our finger is hurt

we might wrap it up with a Band-Aid

But if our heart is hurt

In that moment of hurt

That moment of defeat

we will instead rub salt into the wound

Stab ourselves hard two more times

And this kind of self-attack is often

It doesn’t appear after something particularly important

Maybe it’s just because you stayed up late playing with your phone

Recently gained two pounds

or you were nervous when speaking

These external criticisms and demands from teachers, parents, society

...

will be internalized by us

and become our inner voices

It’s like a critic lives in our hearts

The critic mistakenly believes that

we must be good enough

must be perfect

must be excellent

to avoid being criticized

And that critic always strikes first

He thinks I have already attacked myself

Others can't hurt me anymore

So we will learn

External attribution for good things and internal attribution for bad things

I did well in the exam because I was lucky or the questions were easy

If I didn't do well in the exam, it was because I was bad and I was stupid

Some students would break down in the consulting room

He said that I had worked very hard

But my parents could only see my shortcomings

I don't know where the end is

Isn't it appropriate to attack yourself

I can't think of anything else to say to myself

What I want to say to everyone is

The reason why young people have emotional problems

is not because they are not motivated

They don't want to be strong

It's not because they really lie down

but because their requirements for themselves

have never been lowered

Their aggressiveness has not been lowered either

They always hope that they can do better

But these cycles of self-attack

In addition to making our emotions more depressed and painful

there is no way to make things better

We should look at

what our needs are behind that emotion

to understand ourselves

care for ourselves

treat ourselves as kindly as we treat friends

tell yourself that you have done your best

you have done a good job

When you are already the injured person

Don’t shoot a second arrow at yourself

Individual psychologist Adler said

All troubles come from interpersonal troubles

Interpersonal relationships are also a common psychological distress among college students

According to the 2024 National Mental Health Development Report

Supportive classmate relationships

Family relationships and roommate relationships

can significantly reduce the risk of depression and anxiety

Harvard University once conducted a study

called the Harvard Adult Development Study

This study is also known as the longest

study on a happy life

It tracked the lives of 724 people in the past 80 years

just to see what makes people happier

The results were unexpected

It is not wealth, IQ and social status

but the quality of good interpersonal relationships

The quality of interpersonal relationships is the strongest factor that can predict a person's

happiness and health and longevity

Unfortunately

loneliness is a common state among college students today

College students will install bed curtains in their dormitories

Our bed curtains in the past may have been more like curtains

But now the bed curtains are like a cubic cover

The inside is black

I think this represents

their very important need for personal space

And this outer cover-like space

is actually a representation of their inner space

They hope to keep distance from others

They need to have an independent space of their own

Don't let strangers come near

Don't let others disturb you

I will ask students some questions in class

I will ask them what kind of people do you like

The answers are generally the same

They will all like

Sincere and kind

Will not judge others

Will respect others

Considerate people

Then I will ask you what kind of people you don't like

In the past few years

selfish people were the number one answer

But in recent years, more and more students will say

They don't like people who have no sense of boundaries

So what kind of people are people who have no sense of boundaries?

For example, he always pours bitter words on you

Whether you want to listen or not

You have to go to sleep

He keeps calling you

Unwilling to let go

You always have to accept his emotional garbage

This is an emotional transgression

If he directly picks up your water glass to drink

Moves your belongings without your consent

This is a material transgression

If he asks you every day

Where have you been?

What did you buy again

Why do you love spending money so much

You said my mother didn't care about me

You have to care about me

This is an identity crossing

It sounds really annoying, right

But our need for a sense of boundaries

It will also bring about another tendency

It seems that we are always polite

Polite and restrained

It is difficult to get really close to others

Students will tell me

His friendships before going to college

all came from the "arranged marriage" of the class teacher

He would make friends with whomever the class teacher arranged for him to be his deskmate

They would also say that they are very inconsistent online and offline

You can call each other baby when you just add friends

But we met on campus

But they would pretend not to see it

Pass by

Then we will have a psychology class

We need to discuss in groups

But I saw some students in the group

Everyone was holding their mobile phones and not talking

So I walked over to see what was wrong

I found that they were all sitting together

But they used their mobile phones to discuss issues in the group

There are also students who often describe it

Their relationship in the dormitory is a match

We can go to a class together

Go have a meal

Don't interfere with each other

Let's have dinner together occasionally

That's good

There's nothing else we could ask for

So what do students think about love

I asked if falling in love is a compulsory course in college

90% of the students disagree

It seems like in the dormitory

The blushing and heart-pounding love topic slowly disappears

Girls will play otome games

When she turns on the phone, there will be a handsome guy waiting for her

Whether he is mature and wise or gentle and gentle

You can choose

The key is that this handsome guy is also considerate

Respect women

Can provide emotional value

Someone told me

She really liked herself more because of playing this game

So girls will discuss male celebrities

Male idols

Male characters in comics and novels

But they are not willing

to discuss a certain boy in real life

Boys' answers are simpler

Falling in love is too troublesome

It’s better to play games

College students’ interest and attention in love are declining

But in fact, I found that compared with actively choosing to enjoy loneliness

Most students are actually in a state of swing

They will miss the friendships in high school

Those close friends

He will also hope that someone can understand him

Support him

Accompany him

But it is difficult for him to really try to make new friends

They also want to fall in love

But it is very popular now that wise men do not fall in love

Independent women do not need love

To live a wonderful life alone

It seems to make them ashamed to express their desire for love

As if that is not cool

College students don’t want to, don’t dare, won’t

They are afraid of consuming time, energy, and emotions

Some students say that I am actually quite lonely

I also know that interpersonal relationships are important

But it takes so much time

Investing so much energy in one person

There may be no reward in the end

I can't do it

I can understand that maybe he has a lot of confusion behind this

A lot of worries

A lot of fear

and the desire for a good relationship

Students tend to

avoid negative experiences in relationships

They are afraid of being rejected

Also afraid of getting hurt

Afraid of worsening the already shaky self

This fear makes it difficult to start and maintain their relationship

Sometimes I will ask

I said why don't you take the initiative to ask others to be together

You also said that you have some friends

Why don't you talk to them when you are worried

Often the answer is the same

They will say that everyone is busy

Everyone has their own things to do

I don't want to talk too much to others

They will think that I am a trouble

This statement is very common in interpersonal relationships

It is actually a typical cognitive distortion

called mind reading

That is, I assume other people's thoughts

and treat it as a fact

It's like looking at the world with a filter

I will ask them

Do I say this is a fact or your assumption

Others think you are a trouble

Is it your guess or did he tell you personally

Is it possible that others are also worried that they will trouble you

and are also looking forward to your invitation

And those students who really step out of their comfort zone

and are willing to extend invitations

and confide their concerns to their trusted friends

will tell me during the next consultation

Teacher I'm glad I made this attempt

It's a wonderful experience

The British anthropologist Robin Dunbar

proposed the concept of Dunbar's number

also known as the 150 law

refers to the cognitive ability of the human cerebral cortex

which can only enable us to maintain stable interpersonal relationships with about 150 people

...

But these 150 people will be based on

The closeness and distance of our relationship

are divided into different circles

So we can see that interpersonal relationships are a process of development

I often tell students

I say good friends will not fall from the sky

We just need to spend some time

Say a lot of words together

Walk a long road together

Then slowly get closer to each other

People's hearts are different

Each has its own face

Although I just mentioned some similarities

, everyone's life story is unique

It seems that I just described a phenomenon very lightly

in one or two sentences

For the person involved

But it is heavy

The real pain and dilemma that weighs on them

Some people will also ask

Why do young people have so many psychological problems

There will be some voices in the media

pointing the finger at the family of origin or teachers

The family of origin and educational background are of course important

Many students have been hurt by this

But what I want to tell you today is

It seems that we are always habitually

looking for a reason for a result

dismantling a complex thing into many single chains

A cause corresponds to an effect

This is a linear view of cause and effect

But the human mind is too complex

Human psychological development

is a process of dynamic interaction of multiple factors

It is composed of physiological basis

personal growth experience

social and cultural background

and individuals

No one object can bear full responsibility for this

In the past few years

I had a classmate who consulted

who did not seek medical treatment for various reasons

and finally chose to drop out

During that time I fell into deep doubt

I kept asking myself

Can I really help them

What can I help them

It seems that he still has to face parents with high expectations when he returns home

Back to the dormitory

Facing roommates who can never agree on the air conditioning temperature

He has to face difficult schoolwork

Physical illness

Financial scarcity

and a bad growth experience

I have no way to help him solve any of his life problems

How can I help him

Later, a visitor told me

She said that after psychological consultation

She felt as if she had a sword in her hand

She knew that there would still be thorns on the road ahead

She will still encounter many monsters

But she is no longer afraid

Yes

We have no way to control and eliminate those problems in life

External stimulation is there

But psychological counseling may build a space for us

We know that we always have a chance to choose

We also know that we can always cope

There is a distance between stimulation and response

The key to growth and happiness is there

I think the distance between stimulus and response

is what psychological counseling can help us

What I can help them do

When preparing this speech

Many young faces appeared in my mind

They cut their hearts open

Show me those

fragility, pain, shame, sadness and tears

That small psychological consultation room seems to be

The real world and the fantasy world

A transitional space in between

Let's walk in and sit down

Within 50 minutes

Enter the deep valley completely together

Go explore the light

Then stand up and go out to live life

As someone who is in close contact with the inner world of college students

I really like these students

They are sincere, brave and interesting Imaginative

They are always using their own way

to cope and adapt to this era

I also hope that everyone can give these young people

a little more time

a little space

a little understanding

and different evaluation standards from the past

Thank you all

[Chinese]

大家好

我是王佳莹

来自南京师范大学

我是一个普通的高校心理教师

也是一个心理咨询师

这是我工作的地方

一间小小的心理咨询室

在10年间

有无数皱着眉头的年轻人来到这里

我到现在还常常会

感叹和感恩于自己的幸运

可以去面对真实的人

去感受那些真挚和复杂的情感

可以一起去探寻可能性

我做了自己最喜欢的工作

那么我的主要工作对象是大学生

包括本科硕士和博士

当他们来做咨询的时候

我们会统计他们为什么会来

在所有的主诉原因当中

排名前三的是

自我探索 情绪困扰和人际关系

今天我就想要从这三个部分出发

和大家分享

我在工作过程当中的一些观察

在咨询室里

学生们会表现出对自我无比的困惑

他们用各种各样的例子和表达在说

我不知道自己到底有什么优点

我不知道自己喜欢什么

我不知道自己想要去过一个什么样的人生

我不知道自己和这个世界的关系是怎样的

我也找不到自己的位置

他们会哭着告诉我说

老师 我不想听我爸妈的安排

他们根本不知道我想要什么

可是让我最难过的是

我自己也不知道

在大学有关于自我主题的课上

老师一定会带着学生

做这样的一个练习

叫20个我是谁

也就是

以我开头写下20句描述自己的句子

例如我叫什么名字

我是一个男生还是一个女生

我个子很高

我对这个世界感到很好奇

我喜欢打游戏

我是一个外冷内热的人

我有的时候喜欢自己

但是有的时候讨厌自己

我希望未来可以不在意别人的目光

过自己想要的人生

对于有一些同学来说

他们可以很顺利地写出20条长长的句子

而有一些同学会卡住

他们只能写下关于自己的

社会自我和生理自我的基础信息

很难写出那些更生动的 更丰富的

关于心理自我的描述

那么我是谁

我的价值是什么

我想要成为一个什么样的人

埃里克森将这种对于自我的

连续 整合 稳定的内在体验

称为自我同一性

他提出了社会发展阶段理论

将人的一生分成了八个发展阶段

在每一个阶段

都有我们特定要完成的一个发展的任务

和需要克服的危机

而自我同一性是青春期

也就是12到18岁

最重要的发展任务

在2000年

美国的发展心理学家阿奈特提出

由于高等教育普及化

婚育年龄普遍推迟

职业路径不稳定等社会变革因素

年轻人们的自我的探索开始滞后了

在青春期和成年早期之间的关系

会变得模糊

于是出现了一个新的发展阶段

被称为成年初显期

一般是指从18到29岁的这个区间

根据阿奈特的研究

他说世界上大多数人都会在29岁的时候

觉得自己像个成年人了

所以对于一个年轻人来说

混乱 冲突 矛盾

都是正常的

他们需要叛逆

需要打破规则

需要在那种混乱当中

去冲撞

去摸索

去尝试

找到自己新的坐标

但是在我们的成长过程当中

我们常常会被这样说

你上了初中就好了

考上高中就好了

考上大学就好了

好像在18岁之前

高考是我们人生当中的唯一一个目标

很多学生会告诉我

他们在高三下的时候其实感觉最好

因为那个时候

目标明确

心无杂念

生活简单

每天就是做题

一切都为了高考

可是在这样的环境下

我们没有时间和空间去思考自己到底是谁

而等到他们真的上了大学呢

发现大学根本没有别人说的那么好

大学很难

也很复杂

不光要学习

他们还要参加学生组织

综合评价

志愿服务

科研竞赛

还有小组汇报等等事情

于是孩子们就碎了

他们感到无所适从

我看到有的学生困于过去

直到大四还会反复做有关于高考的噩梦

在那个梦中在考场上他写不出答案

而这个梦中的景象

也被迁移到了现实生活当中

他会在每一次考试之前

辗转反侧 难以入睡

也没有办法去面对当前生活当中的挑战

在心理学中有一个概念叫习得性无助

是指个体因为多次的失败或受挫

而形成的一种

无助 无望 无可奈何的心理状态

这来源于20世纪60年代

马丁·塞利格曼的

一个关于电击狗狗的实验

最开始他们对于这个实验的解释是

如果一个人接受了一些挫败的体验

那这挫败的体验会让他

习得了无助的这件事

在50年后由于脑神经科学的发展

心理学家们对于这个实验

提出了一个新的视角

他们说原来无助是人的天性

当我们遇到困难时

当我们处于困境中

我们就是会僵住和不知所措的

而掌控是我们习得的

也就是说是过去的那些成功的经验

使我们在面对困境时

有勇气做出行动

所以

和一直牢牢地记住和回顾那些失败相比

我们更应该常常想起的是

我过去的成功经验

那些我觉得自己做得还很不错的事情

有些人困于过去

还有一些学生会困于未来

他们会抱着对美好未来的愿景

放弃当下的生活

投入保研 考公 进大厂的浪潮

去追求别人口中那个好的未来

把一切都交给不确定性

还有一些同学他们会困于比较

比分数

比活动加分

比竞赛

比得奖

比口才

比朋友多少

并且在一次一次的比较当中

不停地否定自己

好像我们必须要比别人优秀

才能感受到自己的价值

而这些困境将大学生们重重围住

他们失去了试错的勇气

也不知道

在面对人生的重大的选择的时候

应该如何抉择

我常常会被问到

老师 我到底应该怎么选

是考研还是去工作

是回老家还是去大城市

是做自媒体还是当老师

我要坚持异地还是分手呢

那些纠结的同学们

急于去寻求一个正确的答案

因为他们既害怕选错

也害怕为自己的选择负责

我会告诉他们

我不知道

因为那不是我的人生

但是我会陪着他们一起去探索

其实在这个阶段对自己感到困惑

是再正常不过的一件事了

我在高考的时候根本不知道自己要学什么

那个时候也没有张雪峰

父母也不懂

但是好像有一个基本的共识是

学好数理化走遍天下都不怕

所以我当时随便报了一个长三角地区

看起来名字比较厉害的工科专业

叫热能与动力工程（能源与环境）

直到后来我才知道

那是一个烧锅炉的专业

在大三的时候我们开始去参观实习

然后我们要去电厂 汽轮机厂和锅炉厂参观

那些厂里面就有巨大的传送带

巨大的烟囱

还有特别巨大的锅炉

然后那个控制室上有6×6的显示屏

上面就是实时监控的数字和图表

我站在那里就傻掉了

我说 天呐 这是什么地方

我以后绝对不能在这里工作

那是我人生当中第一次脑海中

特别清晰地蹦出来一个念头

我不喜欢数字和图表

我想要做和人相关的工作

于是那天回去

我就下定决心要跨专业考心理学的研究生

在大学间其实我没有什么目标

可能正是因为什么都不知道

所以我有了很多空间去探索

也可以去做很多无用之事

跨专业的这个决定这么容易

或许是因为那个时候

我们也看不到就业排名和薪资水平

所以好像你能更多地倾听自己内心的声音

这个世界上有很多的未知

你只能靠自己去实践

而类似的选择

我想对于今天的大学生来说

的确变得更困难

因为他们现在面对的是一个

高度复杂且充满张力的环境

信息爆炸

价值多元

竞争加剧

未来的就业前景不明

打开手机所有的信息都在教你做人

告诉你什么是对的

父母也会很焦虑

他们跟自己的孩子说

人生每一步都很重要

你每一步都不能走错

孩子们也一直在要求自己正确

他们会常常说我应该怎么样

我必须怎么样

而在这样的环境下

想要去分辨

我想成为的样子

和他人希望我成为的样子

变得愈发的困难

有学生告诉我

他们会在不同的平台呈现不同的自我

在朋友圈里独立自信有生命力

在小红书上热爱生活岁月静好

但是在微博上

脆弱敏感 暴躁易怒 天天发疯

在这些精心打造的人设下

他们看不清自己的模样

用假性的自体去顺应外界的期待

假性自体

是英国的心理学家温尼科特提出的一个概念

最开始是指在个体的生命早期

由于得不到母亲的回应

他会压抑自己的需要

去优先顺从母亲的需要

发展出一个虽然有功能

但是比较空洞的虚假的自我

这种假性自体

它很像一层保护性的面具

可以帮助我们在社会关系中生存

但是就会导致与内在真实的自我断裂

带来自我异化

由于自我同一性发展不完善的

这种自我的混乱感

会使年轻人们价值观模糊 目标缺失 自我矛盾

很难以做出人生的重大选择

可是他们不得不面对的是

在大学的末尾他必须要做出选择

但自我发展其实是一个终生的历程

荣格将其称之为自性化

荣格说与其做一个完美的人

我宁可做一个完整的人

和我们的心理息息相关的

除了自我以外

还有我们的情绪

我想先问问大家

你多久哭一次

你还记得你上一次哭是因为什么吗

之前有一个男生来到咨询室

他说老师我心里很难受

其实我很想哭

但是我已经很久都没有哭过了

我从初中就开始没有哭过了

我问为什么

他说因为我觉得哭是一个很脆弱的表现

而且我会担心我一哭就停不下来

我说我们有50分钟

而且这里还有很多的纸

你或许可以试试看

于是他就开始大哭

在25分钟之后

他慢慢地平静下来

他说老师我哭得差不多了

我就问他现在感觉怎么样

他说好像心里一直压的一块大石头消失了

我们生来就是用哭声和这个世界互动的

婴儿通过哭声向外界去传递信号

当他们被满足之后就会平静下来

在全人类的文化背景下

有六种共通的基本情绪

它们是开心 悲伤 害怕 惊讶 愤怒和厌恶

在这里惊讶算是一种中性的情绪

正性的情绪只有开心一种

其他的四种都是负面情绪

情绪本身是没有对错好坏之分的

它是属于我们每一个人的独特的感受

当我们的需要被满足时

我就会出现积极的情绪

当我的需要没有被满足时

我就会出现消极的情绪

而随着我们长大

好像哭

变成了一件错事

经常有同学会在咨询室里说到动容处流泪

他们会突然停下来

然后别过头说对不起老师

我们到底为什么要为自己的真实情感

到底为什么要为我们的难过而感到抱歉呢

情绪的本质是变化

是那些否定 忽视和压抑

才让我们原本会流走的情绪固定下来

悲伤 愤怒 愉悦都会出现

然后消失

就像天上的云朵一样

我们会给别人发信息去祝福他说

祝你天天开心

因为没有人能天天开心

所以这是一个祝福

情绪本身就是会自然地流走的

你要外向

乐观开朗

积极向上

男孩子要勇敢

哭能解决什么问题

女孩子就是情绪化

年轻人经常听到这些声音

他们也把这些信念植入了自己的脑海里

他们在告诉自己负性情绪是不好的

是不应该存在的

是应该要去否定忽视和压抑的

所以大学生很习惯于

将那些消极的情绪打包成一团

他们无法说出

自己是悲伤 担忧 不满还是委屈

只是试图将那些不好的东西

统统丢进垃圾桶

在前段时间有一个学生过来跟我说

她说老师

现在我和我的朋友们会叫自己老鼠人

我说什么是老鼠人

老鼠人是指

好像老鼠一样生活在地下室里

他们不想社交

不想出门

昼夜颠倒

每天玩手机

靠外卖为生

然后他们对自己没有信心

也会对未来没有希望的

一种低能量的状态

这种关于老鼠人的描述

它其实是学生的一种自嘲

但我想其中也包含了

大学生的很重要的自我攻击

我想请大家花几秒来思考一个问题

如果你过几天有重要的事情

但是你今天什么都没做

还刷短视频刷到了半夜

你的脑海里会出现什么声音呢

我听到的已经有一些答案了

废物

又浪费了一天

连手机都控制不了

你还能干吗

你真是太笨了

谁会喜欢你呀

你真没用

为什么每次说话都发抖

就是因为你懒

所以什么事都做不好

你总是胡思乱想

你真是一无是处

这些话像箭一样扎进人的心里

不过放箭的人是我们自己

不像学生们看上去

那么潇洒 那么酷

他们的脑海里充满了自我攻击的声音

如果我们的手指受伤了

我们可能会用创可贴把它包扎起来

但如果我们的心受伤了

在那个受伤的时刻

那个挫败的时刻

我们却反而会在伤口上撒盐

向自己用力地再插两刀

而这种自我攻击往往

不是出现在特别重大的事情之后

或许只是因为你熬夜玩手机

最近长了两斤

或者发言的时候紧张了

而来自老师 家长 社会

外部的这些批评指责和要求

会被我们内化

变成自己内心的声音

好像我们的心里住进了一个批评者

那个批评者错误地以为

我们必须要足够好

必须要完美

必须要优秀

才能避免被批评

并且那个批评者他总是先发制人

他想我都已经攻击自己了

别人总不能再伤害到我了吧

于是我们会学到

好事外归因 坏事内归因

我考得好就是因为我运气好或者题目简单

如果我考不好就是因为我很差劲 我很笨

有学生会在咨询室当中崩溃

他说我已经很努力了

但是父母只能看到我的不足

我不知道尽头在哪里

自我攻击不是应该的吗

我想不到其他可以对自己说的话

我想要和大家说的是

年轻人之所以会有情绪问题

不是因为他们不上进

他们不要强

不是因为他们真的就躺平了

而是因为他们对自己的要求

从来都没有降低

他们的进取心也没有降低

他们总是希望自己可以做得更好

但这些循环的自我攻击

除了让我们的情绪更沮丧更痛苦

没有办法让事情好起来

我们更应该去看看

那个情绪的背后我们的需要是什么

去理解自己

关怀自己

像对待朋友一样友善地对待自己

告诉自己你已经尽你所能了

你已经做得很好了

当你已经是那个受伤的人的时候

不要再向自己射第二支箭

个体心理学家阿德勒说

一切烦恼都来自于人际关系的烦恼

人际关系也是大学生常见的一种心理困扰

根据2024年国民心理健康发展报告

有支持性的同学关系

家庭关系和舍友关系

都能显著地降低抑郁和焦虑的风险

哈佛大学曾经做过一个研究

叫哈佛成人发展研究

这个研究也被称为史上最漫长的

关于幸福人生的研究

它在近80年间追踪了724个人的一生

就为了看看是什么能使人更幸福

结果出人意料

不是财富 智商和社会地位

而是良好的人际关系质量

人际关系质量是可以预测一个人

幸福和健康长寿的最强因子

可遗憾的是

当今孤独是大学生的普遍状态

大学生的宿舍里都会安装床帘

我们过去的床帘可能更像一个窗帘

但现在的床帘像一个立方体的罩子

里面是黑的

我想这代表着

他们对于个人空间的非常重要的需要

而这个外部的罩子一样的空间

其实也是他们心的空间的一个呈现

他们希望可以和别人保持距离

他们需要有一个属于自己的独立的空间

是生人勿近的

是别人不要随便来打扰的

我在课上会问学生一些问题

我会问他们你们喜欢什么样的人

这个答案大体是差不多的

他们都会喜欢

真诚的 善良的

不会评判别人的

会尊重别人的

善解人意的人

然后我会问你们不喜欢什么样的人

在前几年

自私的人是稳居第一的答案

但是近几年有越来越多的同学会说

他们不喜欢没有边界感的人

那什么样的人是没有边界感的人呢

比如他总是冲你倒苦水

不管你愿不愿意听

你都要睡觉了

他还一直给你打电话

不愿意放下

你总是要去接受他的情绪的垃圾

这是情感越界

如果他直接拿起你的水杯喝水

没有经过你的同意就动了你的物品

这是物质越界

如果他每天问你

你去哪儿了

你又买了什么东西

你怎么这么爱花钱

你说我妈都没管我

你要来管我

这是身份越界

听起来真的让人有点不喜欢对吧

但是我们对于边界感的这种需要

它也会带来另外一个倾向

就是好像我们总是彬彬有礼

礼貌克制的

很难去和别人真正地靠近

学生们会告诉我

他在上大学之前的友情

都来自于班主任的“包办婚姻”

班主任安排他和谁做同桌他就和谁交朋友

他们也会说他们在线上线下很不一致

刚加好友就可以互相叫宝宝

但是在校园里面见面了

却会假装看不见

擦身而过

然后我们会上心理课

课上需要大家小组讨论

但是我就看到有的小组学生

每个人都抱着手机不说话

于是我就走过去想看看是怎么了

就发现他们都坐在一起

但是却用手机在群里面讨论问题

还有学生会常常形容

他们的宿舍关系就是搭子

能一起去上个课

去吃个饭

互不干涉

偶尔聚个餐

已经很好了

别无他求了

那么学生们又是如何看待爱情的呢

我问谈恋爱是大学必修课吗

有90%的同学不同意

好像在宿舍里面

让人脸红心跳的恋爱话题慢慢消失了

女生们会玩乙女游戏

打开手机就有个帅哥在等她

是成熟睿智型的还是温柔奶狗型的

你都可以自选

关键是这个帅哥还善解人意

尊重女性

能提供情绪价值

有人告诉我

她真的因为玩了这个游戏感到更喜欢自己

所以女孩子们会讨论男明星

男偶像

漫画和小说里的男性角色

但是她们不太愿意

再去讨论真实生活当中的某一个男孩

男生们的回答更简单

谈恋爱太麻烦

不如打游戏

大学生们对于恋爱的兴趣和关注度都在下降

但其实我发现和主动选择享受孤独相比

大部分学生其实都处于一个摇摆的状态

他们会很怀念高中的友情

那些密友

他也会希望可以有人能理解他

支持他

陪着他

但是他很难真的做出尝试去结交新朋友

他们也想恋爱

但是现在很流行智者不入爱河

独立女性不需要爱情

要一个人活得精彩

好像让他们很羞于表达自己对爱的渴望

好像那样就不酷了

大学生们不想 不敢 不会

他们害怕消耗时间 消耗精力 消耗情绪

有学生说我其实也挺孤独的

我也知道人际关系很重要

但是要花那么多时间

投入那么多精力对一个人付出

最后还可能没有回报

我做不到

我能理解这背后或许是他存在很多的困惑

很多的忧虑

很多的害怕

和对好的关系的渴望

学生们很倾向于

回避在关系当中的负面的经验

他们很害怕被拒绝

也害怕受伤

害怕本就摇摇欲坠的自我雪上加霜

这种害怕让他们的关系既难开始又难维持

有些时候我也会问

我说那你怎么不主动约别人一起

你也说有一些朋友

你有心事的时候你怎么不和他们倾诉呢

往往回答都是一样的

他们会说大家都很忙

每个人都有自己的事情要做

我也不想和别人说太多

他们会觉得我是个麻烦

这种说法在人际关系当中非常常见

它其实是一种典型的认知歪曲

叫读心术

就是我假设了别人的想法

并且把它当成是事实

好像带着一个滤镜去看待这个世界一样

我就会问他们

我说这是事实还是你的假设呢

别人觉得你是个麻烦

是你猜的还是他亲口告诉你的

有没有可能别人也担心会麻烦到你

也在期待你的邀约呢

而那些真的走出舒适圈

愿意去发出邀请

和向他信任的朋友倾吐心事的学生

会在下一次的咨询的时候告诉我说

老师 我很庆幸我做了这个尝试

这是一种很美妙的体验

英国的人类学家罗宾·邓巴

提出了一个邓巴数的概念

也被称为150定律

是指人类的大脑皮层的认知能力

只能使我们与大概150个人

维持稳定的人际关系

但这150个人会根据

我们关系的亲密和远近

分成不同的圈层

所以我们能看到人际关系是一个发展的过程

我常常会和学生们说

我说好朋友不会从天上掉下来

我们就是需要花一些时间

一起说很多的话

一起走长长的路

然后再慢慢地去靠近彼此

人心不同

各如其面

虽然我刚才说到了一些相似点

但是每个人的生命故事都是独一无二的

好像我刚才在这很轻飘飘地

用一两句话描述了一个现象

对于当事人来说

却是沉甸甸的

压在他们身上的真实的痛苦和困境

也会有人问

为什么年轻人会有这么多心理问题呢

媒体上会有一些声音

将矛头指向原生家庭或者是老师

原生家庭和教育背景当然都很重要

有很多学生被此所伤

但我今天想要和大家说的是

好像我们总是习惯性地

为一个结果去找一个原因

把一个复杂的事情拆解成很多单一的链条

一个因对应着一个果

这是线性因果观

但人心太复杂了

人的心理发展

是多重因素动态交互的一个过程

它是由生理基础

个人的成长经历

社会文化背景

还有个体共同构建的

没有一个对象可以为此负全部的责任

在前几年

我有一个咨询的同学

因为种种原因没有就医

最后还是选择了退学

在那段时间我陷入了深深的怀疑

我不停地问自己

我真的能帮到他们吗

我能帮到他们什么呢

好像他回家还是要面对高期待的父母

回到宿舍

要面对永远无法就空调温度达成一致意见的舍友

他要去面对困难的课业

身体的病痛

经济的匮乏

和糟糕的成长经历

他的人生难题我一个都没有办法帮他解决

我到底能帮到他什么呢

后来一个来访告诉我

她说在心理咨询之后

她觉得手中好像有了一把宝剑

她知道前方路上还是会荆棘密布

她还是会遇到很多怪兽

但是她不再害怕了

是的

我们没有办法控制和消除那些人生中的难题

外部的刺激就在那里

但是心理咨询或许可以为我们构建一个空间

我们知道自己永远有机会选择

我们也知道自己永远都可以应对

在刺激和回应之间有一段距离

成长和幸福的关键就在那里

我想那个刺激和回应之间的距离

就是心理咨询可以帮我们做的事

我能帮他们做的事

在准备这次演讲的时候

我的脑海当中浮现了很多年轻的脸庞

他们把心剖开来

向我展示那些

脆弱 痛苦 羞耻 悲伤和眼泪

那个小小的心理咨询室好像是

现实世界和幻想世界

中间的一个过渡性空间

我们走进来 坐下来

在50分钟之内

一起全然地进入深谷

去探寻光亮

然后站起来走出去投入生活

作为和大学生的内心世界密切接触的人

我真的很喜欢这些学生们

他们真诚 勇敢 有趣 有想象力

他们始终在用自己的方式

去应对和适应这个时代

也希望大家可以给这些年轻人们

更多的一点时间

一点空间

一点理解

和与以往不同的评价标准

谢谢大家

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
confusion /kənˈfjuːʒən/ B2	noun - a lack of understanding or clarity
explore /ɪkˈsplɔːr/ B1	verb - to search or travel through an unfamiliar area
identity /aɪˈdɛntɪti/ B2	noun - the distinct personality of an individual
anxiety /æŋˈzaɪəti/ B2	noun - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease
relationship /rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp/ B1	noun - the connection between people
self-exploration /ˌsɛlf ɪkˈsplɔːreɪʃən/ C1	noun - the process of discovering one's own character or abilities
emotion /ɪˈmoʊʃən/ B1	noun - a strong feeling such as love, anger, or hatred
uncertainty /ʌnˈsɜːrtənti/ B2	noun - a state of doubt or lack of knowledge
authentic /ɔːˈθɛntɪk/ B2	adjective - real or genuine, not copied or false
complex /ˈkɑːmpleks/ B2	adjective - consisting of many different and connected parts
possibility /ˌpɑːsəˈbɪlɪti/ B1	noun - a thing that may happen or be true
integration /ˌɪntɪˈɡreɪʃən/ C1	noun - the act of combining different parts into a whole
stable /ˈsteɪbəl/ B1	adjective - firmly fixed or not likely to move or change
crisis /ˈkraɪsɪs/ B2	noun - a time of intense difficulty or danger
emerging /ɪˈmɜːrdʒɪŋ/ B2	verb - to come into existence or prominence
dilemma /daɪˈlɛmə/ B2	noun - a situation where a difficult choice has to be made
self-attack /ˌsɛlf əˈtæk/ C1	noun - the act of criticizing or blaming oneself
resilience /rɪˈzɪliəns/ C1	noun - the ability to recover from difficulties
boundary /ˈbaʊndəri/ B2	noun - a limit or division
loneliness /ˈloʊnliːnəs/ B2	noun - sadness because one has no friends or company