– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

A good disguise is hard to find.

I mean that both literally and metaphorically.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

MI6 agents often wear disguises to escape

life threatening situations.

Today I'm going to be trained by an MI6 agent

on how to wear a practical disguise.

Apparently, sneaking around the city wearing a couch

is both impractical and something a (bleeping) would do.

Now, I've become a love seat.

(dramatic instrumental music)

What experience do you have

working for the British government?

25 years in the British Army,

five of which were in the Special Air Service,

and 18 years in Manchester's Secret Intelligence Service.

Your book says that you've been arrested.

You are clearly not in jail right now.

WTF?

I was arrested for murder,

which I was subsequently clear of, and released.

I was arrested for diamond smuggling in Sierra Leone,

which I have not been cleared of.

I managed to escape from Sierra Leone.

What does an MI6 agent do?

I was trained in a number of skills.

I was a very well-trained helicopter pilot,

unarmed combat,

trained free-fall parachutist,

infiltration and exfiltration

into hostile territory,

embark, disembark from submarines.

Surveillance, anti-surveillance,

and counter-surveillance.

Improvise disguises.

Not long-term disguises, but be able to

change your disguise very quickly,

so we could lose a surveillance team.

So, now I'm going to ask you a favor.

I need your help disappearing.

Will you take me under your wing and train me

and treat me like a son and give me all of your skills,

so that I can escape a private investigator

who's following me?

It's not gonna be easy,

but we'll certainly give it our best shot.

For today's challenge I'm going to learn lessons

from this MI6 agent and try using them

to escape a private investigator.

I'm going to follow your strategy suggestions.

If your strategy is successful,

and I do a great job of listening to you

and wearing a disguise,

I would like you to write a letter of recommendation

for me to work at MI6.

OK.

If your strategy does not work, I will punish you.

I will make you write a 30 second song

in a musical genre you do not like

and then we will record a music video

of you performing it.

There's only one genre I hate.

Country and western.

Is it too slow for you?

No, it's just the pathetic

lyrics involved.

(eerie atmospheric music)

What do you think my chances of success are?

90% that you're gonna succeed.

I think I'm 100% going to succeed.

OK, nothing better.

Let's go for it.

Great.

OK. Thank you.

For the next two hours, the MI6 agent

will take me under his wing and train me.

I know everyone hates school, so I won't bore you

with two hours of me learning (bleeping).

Instead, I'll show you a three second training montage.

What you're wearing.

We just turn.

Yep, too much color.

I wish high school was only three seconds of learning.

Am I right?

No one is in the room with me.

In all honesty, I'll show the relevant highlights

of my MI6 training later, when it's necessary.

Right now it's time to meet the private investigator

I'm challenging today.

How many years have to been a private investigator?

I've been a private investigator for nearly 20 years now.

What does a private investigator do?

A private investigator can do many things.

I specialize in surveillance.

When people ask you what your profession is,

do you say, I'm a sneaky boy?

No.

Now I'm going to challenge you.

(eerie atmospheric music)

Very intense.

I'm going to give you 30 minutes to follow me.

At the end of those 30 minutes, if you see me,

you can touch me and I will fall to the ground.

OK.

If at the end of these 30 minutes, you win,

I will give you my respect.

I don't need your respect.

If I win this challenge, I will punish you

by making you watch me eat a bowl of cereal.

What kind of cereal?

Cinnamon Toast Crunch, baby.

Oh.

Ken, I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you.

- [Mike Voiceover] Here are the rules for today's challenge.

Mike has 30 minutes to escape

from the private investigator.

Mike cannot run away or enter any vehicles.

After 30 minutes, Mike will stand still.

If the investigator touches him, Mike loses

and he will shatter like ice.

(dramatic orchestral music)

The challenge begins in three, two, one.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

Once the timer begins,

I follow the MI6 agent's instructions perfectly.

Never look down, because he will then

know that you're up to something.

- [Mike Voiceover] If someone following me sees

that I know someone is following me,

they might speed up plans to choke me dead.

It's best to assume that everyone is following you

and go about your business like it's a normal day.

What I'm trying to do is just

give him enough space, where he's comfortable,

but yet also uncomfortable as well.

He's crossing the street, walking normal

like no signs of letting on to me.

I could see Mike, but I don't think

he could see me.

He's got the green light, so I'm gonna go.

- [Mike Voiceover] I march up a long flight of stairs,

and enter a building with unique architecture.

So I've already lost sight of Mike.

I feel what I need to do now is make sure

I can get around.

What have I entered?

This building happens to be my alma mater,

Emerson College.

I emailed school officials two days ago

with an urgent request to use their bathrooms.

They must have thought I was another one of those kids

who graduate college and then can't find toilets.

Thankfully, the Emerson security guards

let me in to their private restrooms.

I start taking my clothes off in

preparation for my disguise.

If you look closely, you can see that

my arms and legs have no hair on them.

The night before this challenge, I spent two hours

shaving myself.

Did I want silky smooth skin so I would

finally feel sexy for once in my life?

No sir-ee.

The reason I did this is going to be

revealed to you eventually.

Be patient and grab a licorice.

- [Ken] Hey guys.

Could we get access to the third floor?

Okay.

- [Mike Voiceover] As I change into my top secret disguise,

I can't help but remember what the MI6 agent

taught me about speed.

The art of disguise for avoiding surveillance

is that it's got to be done quickly.

Maximum, five minutes.

- [Mike Voiceover] Five minutes should be plenty of time

to change my appearance, right?

Wrong.

Since I was a teenager, I've had

extremely sensitive skin.

I'm not the Lebron James of shaving my face,

and by that, I mean I accidentally cut myself

shaving all the (bleeping) time.

So now that I know security's watching us,

I know he's not in the building like screwing around.

So that really only leads him to one option,

was he slipped out while I was on

the other side of the stairs,

and he slipped out the elevator, or

he waited for me to walk around.

If I do terrible razor work

and leave blood dripping down my face,

the private investigator will spot me immediately.

My sensitive skin could be my downfall

in escaping this private investigator,

as well as why I never had a girlfriend until recently.

Seven minutes in and I'm only about 74% done shaving.

There's a lot more steps to my disguise,

so I have to abandon the shave.

I can't waste more time.

I'll never look as smooth as Pitbull.

The singer, not the dog breed.

The surveillant will be focusing on your colors,

your size, your general shape,

your demeanor and your gait.

So, you change as much of that as possible.

(dramatic instrumental music)

(moves into suspenseful piano music)

All my thoughts lead me to believe that

chances are he is in here.

I put on a lovely dress and look at the time.

My transformation has taken more than 10 minutes now.

This is (bleeping) embarrassing.

I don't want to disappoint the MI6 agent today

like I disappointed everyone else in my life.

The MI6 agent suggested I disguise myself

as a pregnant woman.

(charging orchestral music)

Before I leave the building, I remember

another lesson from the MI6 agent.

Change your gait as you're walking along.

- [Mike Voiceover] The MI6 agent suggested I alter my

normal walk for a drastically different gait.

I showed him a special skill

I learned back in high school.

I call this the crab walk and he calls me an idiot.

Then he teaches me a more realistic walking style

I should use.

Right, left, right.

That's the way.

Pretending to be pregnant, and even harder,

happy, I start climbing down the stairs

of the building.

It's time to see if the private investigator

spots me.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

Will the investigator believe I'm a real

happy go lucky pregnant woman?

Will he see my pathetic shaving job,

rip my dress off and tackle me?

Will he get jealous of how good I look and decide

to get pregnant himself?

One glaring mistake I made while rushing

to put this disguise on is that I forgot

to zip up the back of my dress.

My bra straps and lower back are exposed,

like I'm a flirty, pregnant stripper named Diamonds.

So, I'm about two blocks away from where we started.

(moves into dramatic electronic music)

Victory belongs to Mike.

Because I'm not a monster, I decide to show

the private investigator how I escaped.

(upbeat rock music)

Ken, you can look at me.

(laughing)

I was a pregnant woman.

I wasn't really paying attention to

the woman crossing the street.

I won, so I'm going to punish you

by making you watch me eat cereal.

(cereal crunching)

This is a good box.

I decided to do a little pre workup of my own.

Instead of watching you for the half hour

to two hours, I watched you for 12 hours.

I've got you heading out to a little lunch.

Was this on Saturday?

- [Ken] It was Saturday.

- [Mike] You followed me (mumbling).

You went into the market.

I really couldn't figure out what you bought,

'cause I was a couple steps behind you.

Wow.

I call the MI6 agent who trained me

to tell him the wonderful news.

Your plan worked perfectly.

Oh, well done my son.

I told you we could do it.

To Mr. Alexander Junder, CMG,

MI6 Headquarters, London, England.

Dear Alex, recommendation for employment.

My good friend Mike Carrier.

The next time you see me,

I might be working for the British government.

Oh, and one more thing.

The MI6 agent gave me permission

to release the song he wrote.

I hope you enjoy his music video.

Okay, so this is a little song

that my poppy told me

when I was no higher than the raccoons (bleeping).

♪ Met a girl, she was a beauty ♪

♪ And she came from Tennessee ♪

♪ Stole my heart when she laid beside me ♪

♪ She gave to me an STD ♪

♪ 15 years we've been together ♪

♪ Plowed the fields ♪

♪ And battled with our foes ♪

♪ You're leaving now, and all I'm left with ♪

♪ 14 kids, one leg and a busted nose ♪

♪ Billy Joe, I love your body ♪

♪ Tattooed skin from head to toe ♪

♪ The works of Shakespeare cross your backside ♪

♪ And I'll be left with nothing ♪

♪ To read if you should go ♪

♪ Yee-haw ♪

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
disguise /dɪsˈɡaɪz/ B1	noun - something used to conceal or hide one's true appearance or identity. verb - to conceal or hide one's true appearance or identity.
literally /ˈlɪtərəli/ B1	adverb - in a literal manner or sense; exactly.
metaphorically /ˌmetəˈfɔːrɪkli/ C1	adverb - in a metaphorical way; not literally.
agent /ˈeɪdʒənt/ B1	noun - a person who acts on behalf of another.
practical /ˈpræktɪkl/ B1	adjective - likely to be successful; useful.
impractical /ɪmˈpræktɪkl/ B2	adjective - not practical; not likely to be successful.
arrested /əˈrestɪd/ B1	verb - to take into custody by legal authority.
smuggling /ˈsmʌɡlɪŋ/ B2	noun - the illegal transportation of goods.
escape /ɪˈskeɪp/ B1	verb - to get away from confinement or danger.
trained /treɪnd/ B1	verb - to teach a particular skill or type of behavior.
surveillance /səˈveɪləns/ B2	noun - the action or process of watching or guarding someone or something.
improvise /ˈɪmprəvaɪz/ B2	verb - to create or perform something spontaneously.
disappearing /ˌdɪsəˈpɪərɪŋ/ B1	verb - to vanish or cease to be visible.
strategy /ˈstrætɪdʒi/ B2	noun - a plan of action designed to achieve a long-term or overall aim.
recommendation /ˌrekəmenˈdeɪʃən/ B2	noun - a suggestion or proposal as to the best course of action.
punish /ˈpʌnɪʃ/ B1	verb - to inflict a penalty or suffering on someone for an offense.
lyrics /ˈlɪrɪks/ B1	noun - the words of a song.
success /səkˈses/ B1	noun - the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.