– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> Have you ever moved to a new city as an

adult?

Mhm? Yeah?

It's not as much fun as you think it'd

be.

I mean, yeah, it seems great on the

surface. You're like, "Yay,

new everything."

And then you realize, "Oh,

like new everything."

I got to find a new dentist.

I got to find a new dog sitter.

I got to find new friends.

Now, I moved to Asheville from Oakland,

California during the pandemic. So,

finding all that new stuff was even

harder cuz no one was doing anything new

other than maybe learning to bake bread.

But, eventually, the world went back to

normal and I found a dentist. I found a

really, really great dog sitter.

But, what I didn't find was friends. I

mean, I met a lot of people, but I

didn't have my people.

And you probably know what I mean when I

say my people.

I'm talking about my sit on the front

porch, talk about nothing at all people.

My

"Oh my god, what is this rash?"

people.

"My dog just died and I don't even have

the energy to get out of bed" people.

Like all of those people live 2,500

miles away in California.

And there were times when the loneliness

of that fact

felt like it might kill me.

And if that sounds like hyperbole,

it turns out I wasn't actually that far

off.

When the US Surgeon General published

its report on the epidemic of loneliness

in 2023,

they shared some very serious warnings

about the physical consequences of poor

social connection. I mean,

look at these numbers.

It's staggering.

Loneliness can literally kill us.

But here's what they don't tell you in

any of these reports. They don't tell

you how to survive this epidemic. They

don't tell you how to go out there and

make friends.

Now, when I say make friends, it sounds

so simple. And it was simple when we

were little kids, right? All you had to

do to make friends was go to school and

there's all the other little kids

waiting to play with you at recess.

But how the heck do you actually make

friends

as an adult?

Right? So many of us work from home. The

people that we love probably live all

over the country. We tend to move every

couple of years and we're all addicted

to our phones.

But there's more. Research shows takes

about 100 hours to make a friend and 200

or more hours to make an intimate

friend.

Meanwhile, we tend to lose about 50% of

our friends every 7 years.

People move.

People fall out with one another.

People die.

So you might be sitting here thinking

like, I don't need to make more friends.

I got plenty of friends.

But do the math.

>> [laughter]

>> If you're not pretty consistently making

friends all the time,

you run the risk of eventually feeling

very, very lonely.

Now, I'll be honest. I didn't think that

I personally was going to need to answer

to question of how to make friends as an

adult because before my whole

lonely in Asheville thing

I worked at a company that was basically

a friend factory where all of my

co-workers were super smart, super

interesting, really just wonderful

people.

I got to go to work and hang out with my

best friend Sally every day. It was

almost like we had our own standing

coffee date, but somehow we were getting

paid to drink the coffee.

And if I had a question or I needed

advice, I would just ask my friends Kim

or Karen. They'd be sitting just a few

desks away from me.

So it was like

friendship Shangri-La.

So I thought I had my friendship game

dialed in.

Until of course I didn't. I'd moved to

this new city. I didn't have my cool

co-workers anymore. And after the

pandemic, everyone just went on with

their lives.

So at first I tried solving this the

old-fashioned way.

Where I would go to events that I found

online

and hope for the best.

But how do you walk into a room full of

50, maybe a hundred people and figure

out which ones are your people?

I'd go to each event and just like stand

in the corner with a drink in my hand

hoping that someone would talk to me.

And I'm betting that some of you here

today have done a similar thing in your

life where you walk into a party full of

strangers

and just freeze.

Wondering

is anybody here going to like me?

Maybe even wondering am I going to like

anybody else?

So

I utterly failed at making friends this

way and I kept failing over and over and

over again for a couple of years.

And then it occurred to me,

what if I could prototype friendship?

Remember that friendship Shangri-La I

was talking about a few minutes ago?

That company is the international design

firm IDEO,

which happens to be the birthplace of a

methodology called design thinking.

Now, you could take a semester-long

course on the subject of design

thinking, but I'm going to save you the

time and the money.

Design thinking boils down to two big

ideas. Number one is that you talk to

people about what they want, what they

need, what they care about to gain

insight and empathy before you start

designing something. And two is that you

use that insight, that empathy to create

low-fidelity experiments or prototypes

so you can try your ideas out and learn

from them over time with feedback.

Maybe, I thought, I could use that

methodology, talking to people about

what they want and need, experimenting

my way forward.

Maybe I could use that to make friends.

So, I had recently connected on LinkedIn

with a woman from Asheville named Angie

who graduated from the same college as

me.

And we got together for the very first

time over lunch at All Day Darling. So,

Buddha bowls for both of us.

And normally a get-together like this

would end with one of us saying

something like, "You know, we should

totally hang out sometime."

And

followed by nothing actually happening.

But in this situation, we both started

talking about how we were longing for

more in-person community.

So, I took a chance.

And I asked my

hopefully new friend Angie,

Do you want to try a friendship

experiment with me?

And she looks at me across the table.

And there's the tiniest pause before she

replies. And it's a pause just long

enough for me to think, "Oh god.

>> [cheering]

>> What what have I done?"

>> [laughter]

>> And then she said,

"I'd love that."

So we outlined the first iteration of

our experiment right there at the table.

We would each invite a few people that

we wanted to get to know better to a

group dinner and take it from there. So

it was a super simple thing, right? It

was almost like

friend matchmaking where we each brought

a few potential candidates. But

instead of keeping the goal of the

evening a secret from everyone, we

decided to be really intentional and

open about it. So I brought a friend of

mine named Aaron. Angie brought two

people from the gym named Emily and

Jess. And we sat outside at a brew pub

sharing tater tots and getting to know

one another.

And at first it was a little bit

awkward.

But eventually we got around to talking

about the reason we were getting

together in the first place to try this

friendship experiment.

And I started by asking everyone what

they wanted and needed out of a friend

group.

And almost immediately the conversation

was tender and sweet.

Two of the women who were there are

single.

And they talked about how challenging it

is to do everyday life stuff without a

partner, like, you know, hanging a

picture on the wall or carrying a heavy

box to the car.

We talked about missing that sense of

having a gang like we did in our 20s.

And we talked about wanting to learn

from one another since we all did such

different things out in the world.

So, we listened to each other deeply. We

talked about what we each needed, and

then we openly discussed what we

expected from others, what we could

commit to, what we couldn't. So, set

some ground rules. We set expectations.

We agreed to be on a group chat

together.

We agreed to get together regularly in

the real world. And we agreed to teach

each other things based on what we were

each individually good at. So, just to

hammer this point home, we were

deliberate and intentional with the

creation of this group, which is

something I have never done before in my

life.

And lastly,

we gave ourselves a name.

This sounds ridiculous on the surface,

but it actually served to make things

feel official and real.

We are MASABAG.

Which stands for the Mutual Aid Society

and Bird Appreciation Group.

>> [applause]

>> Marking us very clearly as women of a

certain age.

>> [laughter]

>> But we started hanging out together

almost immediately. There's one member

of the group who is a medical

illustrator at a law firm who also

happens to be a professional forager.

And she took us for a hike to see what

we could eat out in the forest. It was

amazing.

And secretly, I'm walking around the

woods going, "Oh my god, it's

happening."

We have had potlucks and art nights. We

help each other carry those heavy boxes.

We give rides to the airport. I mean,

basically, I have my dream friend group,

and it has been both life-changing and

life-affirming.

Now,

I want to point out that the Massa bag

prototype example,

it's a pretty big prototype.

But you don't have to do something as

big as Massa bag. You could do something

small.

This is one that I actually did. I met a

woman in my neighborhood who is a

librarian, which to me is like finding

out that she has magical powers.

So, I reached out to her,

and this is the actual text. I said,

"Hey, do you want to form the world's

smallest and most exclusive book club,

wherein we choose a book and both read

it and then go eat something and then

talk about it and then talk about other

stuff?"

And she said, "Yes.

>> [cheering and applause]

>> Yes, I do."

>> [applause]

>> It was great.

It was amazing. We got together over a

book. We became friends and then started

dreaming of another idea from there.

We're calling it Books and Bites. It's a

book potluck, where each person brings a

new copy of their favorite book, pitches

it to everyone else about why they love

it, and then everybody gets to choose a

book that they're interested in, go home

with a new book, maybe even a new

friend.

If you are a book lover, steal this

idea.

>> [laughter]

>> I love it so much. It's so good.

So, this whole idea just came out of a

conversation with my new friend, Mary

the librarian, about what we each loved

and hated about book clubs. All right,

so we're listening to each other, coming

up with an idea to try based on what we

heard. In other words, using the basics

of design thinking that empathetic

listening,

quick prototyping,

to make friends.

But what was I really doing with each of

these prototypes?

I was creating

a container

for friendship to grow in. Right? Just a

little bit of structure that gives

people something to hold on to.

And here's the important part.

All framed as an experiment. Right?

There's nothing precious, nothing that

can't be changed. It's just an

invitation to try something, learn from

the experiment, and then change the

container to suit the needs of the

people who are involved.

And all of this turns the scary part

of making friends

into something different.

I'm not going to say that it's easy. I

mean, you still have to be vulnerable,

still have to be brave. You need that

intentionality, but it's just an

experiment. That's it.

And by asking people what they want,

what they need, what they expect from

the experiment, you dramatically

increase the chances of everyone

actually enjoying themselves.

So, if you're sitting here and you're

thinking to yourself, "Yeah, I would

like to make a few friends." Or maybe

even I just want to deepen the

friendships that I already have.

I give you this challenge right now.

Design a friendship prototype.

Make it simple.

Make it goofy. And give it a name.

Make it whatever you want, but give it a

try.

Don't ever underestimate how much other

people will appreciate you

stepping forward and offering up a

container for interesting things to

happen within.

Because if there is one thing that is

going to get us all through

what ahead,

it's friendship.

Thanks.

>> [cheering and applause]

[applause]

[cheering]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
epidemic /ˌɛpɪˈdɛmɪk/ C1	noun - a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease or a sudden, widespread occurrence of a particular undesirable phenomenon
loneliness /ˈloʊnlinəs/ B2	noun - sadness because one has no friends or company
staggering /ˈstæɡərɪŋ/ C1	adjective - deeply shocking; astonishing
consequences /ˈkɑnsɪkwənsɪz/ B2	noun - a result or effect of an action or condition
hyperbole /haɪˈpɜːrbəli/ C2	noun - exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally
intimate /ˈɪntɪmət/ B2	adjective - closely acquainted; familiar, close
prototype /ˈproʊtətaɪp/ C1	noun - a first or preliminary model of something verb - to make a preliminary model of something
empathy /ˈɛmpəθi/ C1	noun - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another
insight /ˈɪnsaɪt/ C1	noun - a deep understanding of a person or thing
vulnerable /ˈvʌlnərəbl/ C1	adjective - susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm
intentional /ɪnˈtɛnʃənl/ B2	adjective - done on purpose; deliberate
candidate /ˈkændɪdeɪt/ B2	noun - a person who is considered for something
iteration /ˌɪtəˈreɪʃn/ C2	noun - the action or a process of repeating
consistent /kənˈsɪstənt/ B2	adjective - acting or done in the same way over time
surgeon /ˈsɜːrdʒən/ B2	noun - a medical practitioner qualified to practice surgery

Key Grammar Structures

• Have you ever moved to a new city as an adult?

  ➔ Present Perfect

  ➔ Use "Have you ever" + past participle to ask about life experiences at an unspecified time in the past.

• It's not as much fun as you think it'd be.

  ➔ Comparative structure: not as... as

  ➔ This structure is used to show that one thing does not reach the same level as another. Note "it'd be" (it would be) for a hypothetical situation.

• I'm talking about my sit on the front porch, talk about nothing at all people.

  ➔ Noun phrase modification (Compound adjectives)

  ➔ The speaker creates a "long" adjective using verbs "sit" and "talk" to describe "my people".

• Research shows it takes about 100 hours to make a friend.

  ➔ It takes [time] to [verb]

  ➔ This is used to describe the duration required to perform an action. "It" is a dummy subject.

• You might be sitting here thinking like, I don't need to make more friends.

  ➔ Modal verb for possibility (might)

  ➔ "Might" is used to suggest a weak possibility of an action happening or a state being true.

• I would just ask my friends Kim or Karen.

  ➔ Would for past habits/routine

  ➔ Here, "would" is used to describe a typical action that happened repeatedly in the past.

• I kept failing over and over and over again for a couple of years.

  ➔ Keep + V-ing

  ➔ This construction emphasizes the continuous, repetitive nature of an action.

• If you are a book lover, steal this idea.

  ➔ First Conditional

  ➔ A condition (If + present) followed by an imperative sentence to give advice or a call to action.