– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Well, the good news is that a

substantial amount of royalties is going

to come in in the next couple of months.

Great. Problem solved. Let's go out to

dinner. No, problem not solved. But I'm

hungry. Get used to it.

It's going to take a while to pay off

all the bills your accountant ignored.

So until then, you're going to have to

cut back. But you said I got money

coming. Shall I go get the paper cup?

Okay. What do we cut? Well, let's look

at your expenses. Uh, first thing is we

stop paying your accountant. That's a

little cold, isn't it?

He's a great guy. I've known him for

years. He's just going through a rough

patch. Charlie, you're broke. You're

right. Screw him. What's next? Um, you

have a gardener. Why do you have a

gardener? To tend my garden.

Garden? You mean the two potted palms on

the deck?

Water them yourself. Okay, but I'm going

to have to buy a hose and one of those

watering things. So, isn't that kind of

a push?

Gone. Now, the Ultimate Premiere

satellite package. Oh, that's really

cool. I get every sporting event in the

world. If a kid in Madagascar throws a

rock at a tree, I can see it and bet on

it.

It's gone. Oh, man. We can keep the

cable though, right? You have satellite

and cable. Sometimes there's solar

flares. Okay, we can cut back to basic

cable. Basic cable? That's what they get

in prison.

Hey, what you doing? Bad time, Rose.

Money problems, huh?

How did you know? I bought your espresso

maker from Bura. I got a great deal cuz

she didn't want to carry it on the bus.

Wonderful. Charlie, miscellaneous cash

expenses. What exactly is that?

I don't know. Go see a movie, buy a hot

dog, stuff like that. It was $80,000

last year.

Oh, that that's women and gambling.

Gone and gone. Great. Why don't I just

shoot myself? You can't afford a gun.

You know, I could lend you some money,

Charlie. That's very sweet, Rose, but I

don't really want to shoot myself.

Charlie, the way I see it, you're either

going to have to slash expenses or find

the money to pay your bills someplace

else. Okay.

I'll borrow on the house. You've already

got three mortgages. Is that a lot? Not

if you have three houses.

Let me ask you a tough question. What

would you think about going to mom for a

short-term loan? H interesting idea.

I think I'd rather have a pack of hyenas

tear out and devour my intestines.

Yeah, I know. I know. I can't afford

hyenas.

Morning, Ba.

Need some help? Yeah. Come to my house

and explain to my daughter that we don't

put up bail for cute guys with Costa

Rican passports.

Morning. I got your groceries, Charlie.

You owe me $74. Why don't you just use

my credit card? I tried. Funny story.

My platinum card.

Look what they did to my platinum card.

They decapitated my holographic eagle.

Yeah. Yeah, that's sad. You owe me 74

bucks. Relax. I'll write you a check.

Uh-uh.

Vera, I'm good for $74. Well, there's an

assistant store manager with bad skin

and a pair of scissors who begs to

differ. He obviously made a mistake.

Leave it to me. I'll straighten it out.

Alan, what do I do?

Uh, call the bank that issued the card

and figure out what's going on. Good

idea.

How do I get the number? It's usually on

the back of the card.

Okay, this may take a while.

Are you sure?

Okay, thanks.

I don't believe it.

None of my bills have been paid in four

months. My credit is shot. All my cards

are dead. Well, you don't have to worry

about paying me this week, Charlie.

Thank you, Ba. I'll just take this

espresso maker and be on my way.

Call me when things pick up.

Hey, how's the jingle coming? The lyrics

are fine. The music needs a little work.

How's Jake? Oh, he'll be okay. Uh, I

stayed over at the house a little while.

We watched some movies. I uh I made us

some soup and a couple of sandwiches.

And uh Judith suggested I take mine to

go.

Suggested?

Well, she started my car and threw my

sandwich in the back seat. It's rough.

Uh, listen. Uh, I'm afraid I got some

more bad news for you. Oh, no. I forgot

to bring Porky back.

See, that's the thing.

Nothing's bringing Porky back.

What? What? Porky's dead. Buddy, buddy,

buddy. That's all, folks.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

It's okay. We can We can get Jake

another guinea pig. Jake will be fine.

This is his fourth porky in three years.

He goes through them faster than shoes.

No, this is about my life.

Everything is going to hell.

Okay. Well, I I I don't don't cry. We

can still be friends.

What? I'm sorry. It's the only thing I

know to say when someone cries around

here.

I am so sorry, Porky.

You just kept running around in your

little cage trying to make everybody

happy.

And what do you get? You get dead.

You do know the pig can't hear you,

right?

Don't you get it? I am the pig. Okay.

Okay. I I I'm just asking because your

your reaction doesn't seem very healthy

to me. And what do you think would be

healthy, Charlie? I don't know. Why

don't we toss pork in the ocean and go

get bombed?

[Applause]

How could you? How could you?

Okay.

Charlie, I'm telling you right now, I'm

not going to sleep with you tonight. Oh,

whoa, whoa. Where'd that come from?

Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you

back to my house, and all of a sudden,

you think I want to sleep with you?

Yeah. You mean you don't? Hey, we just

met. Let's talk. Get to know each other.

If later down the road something

happens, great. If not, we've each made

a new friend.

That is very sweet. Well, my mother

raised me to be respectful of women, and

I've always said, "Son of a bitch."

What?

That That's what butterscotch candies.

In about 30 seconds, they're going to be

butterscotch suppositories.

Thank you. Well, we have a wild show.

Morning.

Morning. I couldn't help but notice the

guys from Goodwill hauling away Allen's

hide a bit.

Oh, yeah. He doesn't live here anymore.

No kidding. Allan's gone. Yep. Wow.

So, you couldn't think for even a second

that I might want to hide a bit?

Sorry. You want some flowered towels? B.

So, what broke your two love birds up?

He crossed the line. Must have been a

big one. Very big. Was it money? Worse,

a woman. Worse. What's worse than money

and women?

He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the

front table.

No.

Then when I told him to get rid of it,

he filled it with candy and put it on

the coffee table. Dear God.

What kind of candy? Butterscotch. M.

I mean, the son of a

Are you making fun of me? I'm trying.

So, what? You think I should just let

him put a candy dish wherever he wants?

No, you're right. He obviously had to

go. He's an ungrateful parasite who

overstepped his boundaries. Exactly.

While you, on the other hand, are a

completely reasonable man with no

control issues whatsoever.

I don't pay you to mock me, Charlie.

You'd have to pay me not to

tell the doctor that if I was a tree,

the rash is predominantly around the

mossy trunk area,

[Laughter]

but I'm starting to see some redness on

the adjacent boulders.

Oh, come on. Tree, two boulders. What

part don't you understand?

Hey. Hey. Okay, just have him call me.

Heard from Jake? Nope. I'll call him at

his mom's. See how school went? Alan,

does this look infected to you? What?

Oh,

get that away from me. I'm not asking

you to tickle it. Just take a look. No,

thank you. But you're a doctor. I'm a

chiropractor.

I work with vertebrae. And contrary to

popular belief, there's not a single

bone in the penis.

Oh, hi Judith.

Uh, no, nothing. I was I was just

talking to Charlie. Uh, hey. Hey, is

Jake home from school yet? No. Oh, okay.

Well, I was just wondering how his first

day went. Uh, have him call me. Okay.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Huh?

Hope he didn't wander under the

bleachers during lunch hour. Ah, he's

smarter than that. Smart, Charlie. He

only got out of sixth grade cuz he

couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Well, if you're that concerned, just

call him on his cell. Good idea.

[Laughter]

Well, this is going to be a sucky

weekend. Try spending it with an

11-year-old who does nothing but

complain.

You mean me?

Well, no wonder they got to write your

name in your underwear.

What am I supposed to do?

Watch TV. There's nothing on. Play a

video game. I played them all. Read a

book. You're right. Who's the now?

Okay, here's a rainy day activity. There

are 12 college basketball games on this

weekend. Dial this number and ask for

Coupe. Tell him you're calling for Mr.

Bo Jingles and write down everything he

tells you. Do I get to make some of the

picks this time? You got money? If you

pay me what you owe me,

you get an education here. That's

priceless.

What's going on? Just talking about

picking colleges. I'm Duke over Wake

Forest. Got a hunch.

You've got him thinking about college

already. You're welcome.

Well, you don't have a fever. I told you

he's fine. Let's go. Charlie, he threw

up in your umbrella stand. Did you miss

that? So Vegas is full of people who

throw up.

They built that city on a sea of vomit.

I'm okay. I can go. That's the spirit.

You really want to drive 5 hours through

the desert with a puking kid in the back

of your new Mercedes? He can stick his

head out the window. Let the guy behind

us worry about it.

We're not going. Oh, come on. It's

probably just something he ate. All

right. What have you eaten in the last

24 hours? Well, let's see. Two bowls of

cocoa puffs. Uh, a couple of blueberry

Pop-Tarts. bag of string cheese. That

reminds me, we need more string cheese.

Then for lunch, a hot pocket and a bagel

bite. Then dinner,

fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a

bologn sandwich.

Okay, it's not what he ate.

Then for snack, I had a glass of tang

and some Cheetos.

That explains the orange vomit. It's

probably some kind of stomach virus. Oh,

please. I throw up all the time. It's

just nature's way of saying everybody

out of the pool.

I'm putting him to bed. Come on. They

have beds in Vegas. What if he needs a

doctor? They have doctors in Vegas. I

bet if we looked around, we could find a

casino with a hospital theme. You know,

Caesar's cyani or something.

I'll get it.

Hello. Hey, Mom. Fine.

Nothing. Oh, yeah. I threw up in Uncle

Charlie's umbrella stand and we're going

to Vegas. No.

What kind of a father are you? Hey, I am

a good father. The minute he threw up, I

canceled the trip. But you were planning

to take my 11-year-old child to Las

Vegas. It's really a family town now.

The mob hardly has any influence at all

anymore.

Oh, good. Charlie, that helps. When were

you planning on telling me about this

trip? What happens in Vegas stays Vegas.

Oh, good, Jake. That helps.

Honey, why don't you go lie down? Why?

I'm fine. Uncle Charlie, is it too late

to get our beds down with Coupe? What

beds? Whose coupe? Go lie down. You're

delirious.

Oh, Charlie. Charlie, come here. Say

hello to your uncle Charlie. Hey, Uncle

Charlie. Hi, Jake. I can see you. I can

see you, too.

So,

what's new?

How much? What's new with you? Nothing.

Oh, wait. I Googled you and you'll never

guess what I found. Jake, are you in the

bathtub? Yeah. Got to go. No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Jake, what are you

talking about? What's he talking about?

I don't know, but if you Google me,

you'll find two pages that mention my

San Frernando Valley Chiropractor of the

year award.

That's nice. Get out of the way.

Oh. Uh, careful. There's a there's

another Alan J. Harper. Uh, he's a

school bus driver and he he also makes

these decorative pigs out of bleach

bottles and pipe cleaners. I'm not

googling you. I'm googling me.

Uh-oh.

charlie Harper sucks.com.

It's got to be a different Charlie

Harper.

[Laughter]

Okay. I have a bad feeling.

Oh boy.

Oh man.

Oh crap.

Are you still reading that thing? How

can I not? It's an entire website

devoted to trashing me. Listen to this.

Has anybody had sex with Charlie where

he actually bothered to take his socks

off?

That's just mean. I have bad circulation

in my feet. They get cold.

Check this out. Some girl posted audio

off her answering machine.

Hey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you

I had a great time last night. I'm

looking forward. Hello, Charlie.

Yeah. Hi. We weren't together last

night.

Uh,

no. Beth, Thursday.

I had a great time with you Thursday.

And I thought that maybe

Oh, well, what am I going to do? Every

woman in the city can see this stuff.

Every woman in the world.

God.

Well, you know what they say. Any

publicity is

good publicity.

No. No. No. No. What I do requires

secrecy. I need shadows and darkness.

I'm like a magician. If everybody knows

how I do it, it ceases to be

entertaining.

Frequently asked questions. Don't read

that. Yeah, right. Uh, okay. Question.

How long can you expect to date Charlie

after you have sex with him? Uh, answer.

It depends how late you sleep the next

morning.

Oh, come on. This is funny. You're just

too close to it.

Is this the new Oshikuru Demon Samurai?

Yeah. What are you doing with it? It's

being turned into a Saturday morning

cartoon and they asked me to write the

theme song. Awesome.

Yeah. Want to hear what I got so far?

Sure. So, I'll be like the first kid in

the world to hear this. Yep.

Now, this is just a rough version, but

you get an idea of the feel of it. Okay.

Oh

shu. Oh

shuru. My oh my. He's a demon samurai.

Who's the guy who had to die? Oh shu.

Boy,

that really blows.

Excuse me. Did you even read the comic?

Yeah, I looked it over.

Oh, really? What's it about?

Uh, it's about this guy named Oshikuru

who dies and comes back as a what do you

call it? Samurai.

And he's a demon.

No, it's about a teenage boy in a

futuristic society who's possessed by

the torture soul of a fetal Japanese

warrior condemned to walk the earth

fighting the evil he once embodied. So,

what's your point? He lives in a dark

world. He battles the spirits of the

damned. Your thing doesn't capture the

mood at all. It just blows.

Okay. Okay. You said blows already. Did

I say big baby chunks?

All right, fine. Thanks for your input.

Now, why don't you go read Lord of the

Flies and let me do my job. Well, if

your job is ruining a great comic book,

you can call it a night. I heard that.

Good.

Hey, it's on.

Oh

shu. Oh

shu. My oh my. He's a demon samurai.

Who's the guy who had to die? Oh shu.

That's not what we wrote. That's your

original sucky version. What can I tell

you? Network like that one better. What

are they? Brain damaged.

Welcome to show business, kid.

I still think it's snappy.

What you doing?

I'm working.

You're not going to get much done with

the TV on. What are you, my mother? Your

mother says that, too?

Listen, when you write music for a

living, you have to wait for

inspiration.

Nope, not yet.

Hey, Charlie. You want to come to the

movies with us? I can't. He's working.

On what? Liver failure.

Wonderful. He's my mother. You're my

doctor.

Oh, I assume you finished reading Lord

of the Flies for your book report.

Uh-huh. Oh, good. Uh, how'd you like it?

I thought it was a timeless American

classic.

I see. So, tell me, what's it about? You

mean the book?

Yeah, the book. Um, it's called Lord of

the Flies,

and it's about a really big fly that all

the other flies prey to.

You thought he didn't read it.

Oh, I was just joking.

It's more like Charlotte's Web, but from

the flies point of view.

Jake, you've had more than a week. Well,

why didn't you read the book? Um, I've

been waiting for inspiration.

I had a boy.

Okay. How's this for inspiration? We're

not going to the movies. And you're not

doing anything else until you finish

reading that book.

That's not fair. Of course, it's fair.

We had a deal and you didn't keep your

end of it. Oh, so now two wrongs make a

right.

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Look, Jake, you're really going to like

this book if you give it a chance. It's

about kids stranded on a deserted

island. How they get stranded? Their

plane crashes. Oh, really? Then what

happens? Well, this one kid named Ralph

becomes their leader and they form the

society and just read the book.

One big fly, huh?

Hey, I took a shot.

Honey, I'm home

in the kitchen.

Kids okay?

How's the beaver?

Everybody's fine. How's Vegas? You know,

the usual. How was your weekend? Pretty

good. Met a girl.

[Applause]

Did her name happen to be Gretchen?

yellow.

That's indelible marker, you know. I

know. And don't worry, it'll come off in

a few weeks. That's what I figured. Does

she still have her little mustache? You

know, down at the Russian front.

I wouldn't know what she's got. I was

blindfolded in hog tied. Right.

Why are you wearing sunglasses? No

reason. Why don't you take them off?

Okay, fine. You might as well know.

Bar fight.

Oh no. What happened? Uh, some bikers

were giving a stripper a hard time, so I

jumped in. You're kidding. You know me.

I can't stand to see a naked high heeled

glitter covered ping pong ball shooting

woman in distress.

Oh, that that sounds very brave. Good

for you. Thank you. H um Charlie. Yeah.

Uh if you're going to go with that

story, you might want to ask mom to stop

telling people you had your eyes done.

Damn.

The mummy strikes again.

You know, it's actually not a bad look.

Shame one guy had to ruin it for

everybody.

Are you sending us to military school?

No, of course not. Why would you think

that? I don't know. 16 years of bargain

pizza with fake cheese and Sam's Club

vanilla wafers for dessert.

I don't want to go to military school.

No one's going to military school. But

there is uh something we wanted to talk

to you about. Here it comes. Relax. It's

good news, Alan. All right. Uh, as you

both know, uh, Lindsay and I have been

dating now for 6 months. Oh, man. Did he

knock you up? No. just be quiet and

listen. Anyway, uh we've both grown very

fond of each other during that time. You

are using protection, right?

That's none of your business, but I'm

glad you're paying attention in health

class.

But what I'm trying to say is that

Lindsay and I have decided to live

together.

I don't think Uncle Charlie's going to

like that. He's never been real pleased

that you and I moved in.

Uh no, no, no. We're going to live at

Lindsay's and Eldrich's house. But I

stay here, right? No. When you're not at

your mom's, she'll be with us. So, I'm

losing my weekend beach house.

Yeah, but you're gaining a whole family.

I'd rather have a weekend beach house.

Do I have to share my bathroom with him?

Eldridge, what's wrong with sharing a

bathroom with me? I like my privacy.

Yeah, we all know what that's about.

Jake, you're Mr. Whack-a-ole, not me.

Yeah, well, at least I don't watch gay

porn. That was a total accident.

I don't want to live with him. Well, you

don't have to worry about it cuz I'm not

going. Guys, guys, come on. No, forget

it. I mean, it's bad enough you're

sleeping with this loser. Aldridge, are

you calling my dad a loser? You call him

a loser all the time. He's my dad. I'm

allowed. Well, uh, Jake, technically,

you're not allowed. Is it okay for me to

call your mom what you call her? What do

you call me? Okay, we've gotten off

track here. Uh, who's ready for

cupcakes? Screw you and your cupcakes.

Yeah,

I'll just uh take one for later.

Days are here again. The skies above are

clear again. I'm getting rid of the

queer again. Happy days are here again.

Hey. Hey there. Oh, there. What are you

doing? Just thought I'd help you get a

jump on the packing. Oh. Oh, well, you

can unpack cuz I'm not leaving. What?

No. The boys just won't go along with

it. You're giving those two morons a

vote. It's too traumatic. You know,

turning their lives upside down. So, let

them be traumatized. That's the trouble

with kids these days. Not enough trauma.

Charlie, I'm sorry. I know you were

looking forward to having the house back

to yourself, but it's just not going to

happen. Oh, it's going to happen. As God

is my witness, and by all that's holy,

it's going to happen.

Hey man, keep packing.

He couldn't spell miscellaneous.

It's my life in my house. I don't need

your permission. I don't care. I'll just

go live with dad and Stephanie. Oh,

won't that be nice? You'll be reunited

with your old babysitter. Excuse us.

Walk. Dude, don't dude me. I'm in no

mood for dude.

Ow.

Dude, don't dude him, dude.

All right. What's this I hear about you

guys not wanting to live together. I

know my privacy, and I think things are

fine. It was a rhetorical question. I

don't give a rat's ass.

Now, the happiness of your parents is at

stake here. So, we're going to reason

this out like adults in the interest of

all involved.

Here's five minute notes.

Split it up any way you want. Nice. And

that's just the down payment. There's an

extra hundred in there for every month

you keep my brother out of my house.

$100 a month? That's like a $1,000 a

year

almost.

Do we have a deal? Deal. Great.

I should write a book on parenting.

How are we supposed to split this? I

don't know, dude. No matter how I figure

it, there's going to be one left over.

I'm never going to drink again.

Quitter.

Charlie. Oh, right. Data, boy.

Here's your waist basket. I rinsed it

out, but there are still some tiny

chunks in the weave.

Maybe you could use your dad's water

pick.

Give the kid a break for his hung over.

Oh, the poor deer.

Next time, tell your friends to puke out

the window.

Want to know a surefire hangover cure?

Never stop drinking.

Charlie, let me finish. Or never start

in the first place.

See how I turned that around? Bring it

home, Dr. Cosby.

All right. For starters, you and

Eldridge stole beer that did not belong

to you. That is not how I raised you.

Hey. Hey. Jake's friend show up. Yeah,

he's here. When's he leaving?

I said he could spend the night. Really?

Did you consider clearing it with me?

You would have said no to Jake having a

friend over. If you recall, seven years

ago, I said no to having Jake over. And

yet here he is. So, what's the point in

asking?

Fine.

What do we know about the little drummer

boy? Not much. Jake says he's one of the

cool kids at school. Why is he hanging

out with Jake?

You're saying my son's not cool? I'm

saying your son got his tongue stuck to

the freezer last weekend. That could

have happened to anybody. Anybody who

tried to pick up an Eskimo pie with

their tongue?

His hands were full. With a honeybaked

ham.

Okay, so he's not cool and he eats a lot

of crap and his grades aren't the best

and his personal hygiene is a little

sketchy.

Is there a butt coming?

But he's my son and I love him.

What's so funny? Mom says the same thing

about you.

Really? Mom says she loves me.

Hey, Charles. So, when you say a bunch

of you stayed to clean up, how many are

you talking about? I don't know. A

couple. Uh-huh.

You know, technically a couple is two.

So, are you saying there were two people

in addition to you and Brad or just you

and Brad? What are you getting at?

Nothing. Just trying to get an accurate

headcount. You could have come with me,

you know. I know. It'd be nice for us to

do some things together once in a while.

We do plenty of things together besides

sex. Oh,

when Brad's wife was alive, they played

tennis every day. Probably what killed

her.

She was hit by a car.

Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball.

You know, like a dog.

You throw it, run after it, even if

there's traffic.

Goofy dogs.

The hell is that? Two guys in a cage

beating the snot out of each other.

Can't believe I wasted so many years

watching cartoons.

Turn it down. Hi, Captain Douche. Who

needs to talk about Brad? No. No, we

don't. I'm sorry. I trust you and I was

totally and completely wrong to think

there might be something going on

between you two. Thank you for that.

You're welcome. Okay, let's go home.

Hold on. I do have a confession to make.

Oh, this is never good.

The reason I got so upset by the things

you said was because well, you kind of

touched a nerve. Yeah, I do that. I'm a

nerve toucher. Runs in the family.

Okay. Hey, well, confession's over and

you forgive me. I forgive you. Let's go

home. I'm not done. A crap.

Thing is, I was kind of attracted to

Brad.

He's a great guy and we have a lot in

common.

He loves his family and really cares

about his friends and his community.

I'm taking from your tone that stuff's

important to you.

Yes, Charlie. It's important to me.

Okay.

Did you and Brad do anything

other than talk? Of course not.

Nothing's happened. Oh, thank God. But

while I do love you, I need to know you

care as much as I do. I do. You say

that, but are you willing to really work

on our relationship? Of course I am. We

can start doing things together,

community things, you know, with the the

the the kids that are poor and the old

people that fall and can't get up.

What about your family? I get a new

family.

I'm telling you, I can change. I can be

a better man, the man you want me to be.

And I promise you,

Excuse me.

Oh my god. I am so so sorry. You threw

up on my baby.

Anyway, to be fair, I don't think the

carrots were mine. Get away from him,

you kid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Cute kid.

Chelse.

[Music]

I just got a call from Chelsea.

Yeah.

She said she wants to postpone the

wedding.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Believe it or not, I do love you and I

hate to see you hurt.

Yeah, well, I guess I kind of had it

coming.

But you tried.

I did.

I just have one question.

What's that? Did you really vomit on a

baby?

Don't beat yourself up too much. We've

all done that.

No kidding.

Of course, most of us do it on our own

babies.

Hey, Jake. What's this? A phone message?

Yeah, some lady called for you. Who? I

can't read your writing.

You're a big selfish jerk.

Okay, I know who this is.

Amy.

Probably Amy.

Yep. Amy, she wants you to call her

back. Yeah, that'll happen. Why not? Cuz

I never said I'd call her back.

Remember this, Jake.

Never make promises to women that you

don't intend to keep. And you know how

you do that? Always keep my promises.

That might work.

A better way is never make promises.

What happens if Amy calls again? Okay,

I'm glad you asked that. When the phone

rings at Uncle Charlie's house, we don't

just willy-nilly pick up the receiver

and answer it. No,

what we do is we check the caller ID.

And only pick up if we want to talk to

that person. Like mom, it depends.

Your mom? Yes. My mom knew.

How come you don't want to talk to your

mom? I'll tell you all about that when

you're old enough to drink.

What if I want to talk to your mom?

Okay. That kind of attitude is going to

break down the whole system. I really

want to apologize for putting you

through this. I was wrong to blame you

for my unhappiness. No, no need to

apologize. What what's important is that

we're here and we're working on our

marriage. You look great, by the way.

Must be all the extra oxygen they pump

into the casinos.

And and and and you were right. I I see

now that the time apart did us both a

lot of good. I know I've grown. I am not

that suffocating guy you threw out of

the house four and a half days ago. Let

me tell you that. Alan. And Jake's doing

fine. I know you were concerned about

him being around my brother, but it

turns out Charlie's great with kids. All

right, last card. Down and dirty.

King's bet.

Dollar. I'm in. In.

I'll see the dollar.

Raise it five.

You raise $5 on that. I call

queens full of nines.

Hey kid, don't you know what a full

house is? Yeah. And I also know what a

psychot is.

I love this boy.

And and and I I think that we're going

to look back on this as as as a new

beginning for our marriage, a rebirth, a

renaissance, if you will. Alan, I think

I'm gay.

All right,

we'll make a list

on one side. We'll put gay stuff.

I'll see you

and raise you 20.

Think he's got you, pal. He's bluffing.

He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.

By the mighty mouse, you win.

Take him down.

Call you.

I hate this kid.

What the hell is going on here? You said

hell.

Throw a dollar in the pot. What? Hey, we

all had to.

Charlie, may I speak with you privately,

please?

Whose deal is it? Jake, go to bed. I'm

out.

Hey, where have you guys been? Van Eyes.

What were you doing in Van Eyes? That's

where the jail is.

What? I got arrested. You're kidding.

What for?

Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 mph.

And I was in the passenger seat.

Yes, I was driving. Therefore, you were

in the passenger seat.

Anyway, it turns out I had a couple

unpaid parking tickets. 17.

Thank you. They arrested you for unpaid

parking tickets? Well, there was also a

bench warrant when I didn't show up in

court. Well, how could you not show up

in court? Don't they send you a summon?

Lots of them, but I threw them away.

I thought they were for jury duty.

Long story short, when I didn't show up,

they suspended my license. Then I was in

the passenger seat.

So, you were driving with a suspended

license? Only for a couple of years.

Luckily though, my license was fine. So,

when they took him to the police

station, I followed in the Mercedes. By

the way, I reset all your radio stations

to good stuff.

I'd like to be alone now, Jake.

Understandable. You've been through a

lot. By the way, if you need anyone to

drive you to the movies or the mall or

strip club, I'm available.

Appreciate it. And you can just relax in

the passenger seat like I did earlier

today. Get out.

All right. I put Jake to bed. I folded

the laundry. I put the groceries away.

Guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.

Yeah, well, that's all I got. I'll be

back in a little while. Where are you

going? Oh, I have to bring the garbage

cans back in. Today wasn't garbage day.

Oh, no, not here. At Judith's. At

Judith's?

Alan, your wife threw you out. Yeah,

well, that doesn't mean she doesn't need

me. Yeah, it kind of does.

Well, look, we're still married. It's

still my house, and she still counts on

me to do a few chores. It It's good. It

leaves the door open for, you know,

reconciliation.

I see. So, how do you lift those garbage

cans without a spine?

They're on wheels.

What are you watching?

I'm watching a movie. And you're not

supposed to be watching anything. Oh,

yeah. Is that guy a good guy or a bad

guy? Good guy. And you're not supposed

to be watching TV. I know.

Is that his girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.

But he still loves her, right? I'm not

going to walk you through the whole

movie.

I think so.

Go to bed, Jake.

Okay.

Who's that guy? That's the guy who's in

jail with and told him where the money

was heading. All right.

Hey, you're being punished. No TV. I

know.

What the hell is going on,

Jake? night.

Hey, I'm watching that. What part of no

TV didn't you understand?

Oh, man.

Shoe.

Jake.

Jake. It was on when I came in.

Yeah, right. What did I tell you about

leaving juice boxes on my piano? How do

you know it's mine?

Oh, come on. Who else around here drinks

Transylvania goofy juice?

Good point.

And another thing, were you on the deck

feeding the seagulls again? Sorry, I

forgot.

Okay, we need to talk.

Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Look, we don't feed the seagulls because

you can't get rid of them. And we don't

leave the doors and windows open because

we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying

in the house. Okay. No, no, no. Don't

don't don't just say okay. This is not

the grown-up telling the kid what to do.

This is just two guys agreeing how to

live together. Are we cool? Yeah. Cool.

Jake,

what you got there? Just a little bread.

Please tell me you're not feeding the

seagulls again.

Okay.

Man, did you let another one of those

big flappy bastards in the house?

You have to put it all in the swear jar.

You some bastards. Smart. Poke the bear.

I'm telling you, Jake, this is the last.

Yikes.

I got to get Gail out of here before I

do something I'm going to regret. You

know, after I thoroughly enjoy it.

Just tell her to leave. I can't do that.

She's Chelsea's best friend. And they

were college roommates. Really?

You think they experimented?

Oh, yeah.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I got to figure out a way to get Gail to

leave on her own. You got the perfect

tool for the job. What are you talking

about? The one tool that's guaranteed to

drive any woman out of your house.

Hello.

Oh, look. It's an Allen wrench.

What was that about? Nothing. Nothing. I

was just telling Burda that maybe I was

wrong about you not having a shot with

Gail. Why did you say something? Did she

ask about me?

Uhoh.

[Music]

Charlie.

Charlie. No way, Alan. I really think

you need to wake up now.

[Applause]

Chelsea's sleeping perhaps, but not

here.

What the hell is your problem?

Oh dear.

What happened? I don't know.

Where is she?

What the hell do you know, Alan? I know.

We're in a strange woman's bed together.

Naked.

Let's get the hell out of here. Good

idea.

Do you remember anything? Well, I

remember we were in Pavlos. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You were hitting on some

chick.

Guess it worked.

You don't remember how I did it. Focus.

Okay. Right. Right. I I I think there

was something about a trailer in Sun

Valley. Are we in Idaho?

No mountains, no snow.

Why are you wearing my underwear?

Why are you wearing mine? Oh, boy.

Let's just go. Should we leave her a

little note? What? You know, thank you.

Maybe my phone number. Are you crazy?

Just keep moving. But she's cute and I'm

going to need a plus one for your

wedding. Oh my god, my wedding. You're

right. It could be awkward. You are a

misogynist. You are a mistake.

You are a What are we up to? N. Thank

you. Uh, you are a necroiliac.

She was drunk, not dead. I challenge

[Applause]

Okay, fine. You're a narcissist. Better.

Mhm.

You are a Nancy boy.

You are old.

You are oddly

shaped.

Hang on.

You are a parasite. Not your turn.

Hello. Oh, hey Judith. What's up?

What do you mean? What happened with

Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we

went driving to the movies. Um, ice

cream. Quack. Rectal. Suck one.

I never got my pee. All you do is pee.

What? What? Nothing. Little little word

game, you know. Exercise the brain.

Twit. Turd burglar.

Judith. I don't know what Jake's problem

is. We had a terrific weekend.

Huh?

Jake says he doesn't want to come here

anymore. Really? Why?

I know it. Did he say why?

Charlie and I don't bicker.

I mean, no more than any other couple

of guys.

Right. Right. Oh. Oh. Oh. You are a

unic.

That's E, not you. Learn to spell.

Useless.

Look, I don't know what to tell you.

He's a teenager. He'll get over it.

Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. Well, I hope you're

happy. I haven't been happy in 7 years.

For your information, I will not have

been here 7 years until next fall. Oh,

good to know. Circle the date on the

calendar so I know when to hang myself.

Haha, funny. It's because of you. Jake

doesn't want to come here anymore.

Great. Tell me what I did so I can do it

to you.

You are such a What are we up to?

Varmint.

You are a varmint. Yeah, well, you are a

vagina.

You're calling me a vagina? No, no, no,

no, no, no. That's too good for you.

What you are is

vagina adjacent.

You know, for some women, this could be

considered a hostile work environment.

Uncle Charlie, what you hungry?

Cuz if you are, we could go get

something to eat. And I'll even drive.

Jake, I'm sleeping.

Okay.

You know, you can nap in the car. I just

got to have an adult with me. They don't

have to be conscious.

I'm not hungry. Okay, fine.

You want to go see a movie? Cuz if you

do,

maybe after your nap.

Crap. Now I'm awake. Great. You hungry?

Can't I at least back it out? No. Come

on. Nothing's going to happen. Look, you

want to eat or not? Fine. What if we

went to an empty parking lot? Could I

drive it then? Damn it, Jake. How many

times I got to tell you?

What was that? I don't know. Sounds like

you ran over a cat.

[Music]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
substantial /səbˈstæn.ʃəl/ B2	adjective - Large in size, value, or importance
royalties /ˈrɔɪ.əl.tiz/ C1	noun - Payments made to a writer, songwriter, or inventor for each copy of a work sold or performed
expenses /ɪkˈspen.sɪz/ B1	noun - The money that you spend on something
gardener /ˈɡɑː.dən.ər/ A2	noun - A person who works in a garden, growing and taking care of plants
miscellaneous /ˌmɪs.əlˈeɪ.ni.əs/ C1	adjective - Consisting of many different kinds of things that are not connected and do not easily fit into any category
slash /slæʃ/ B2	verb - To cut something with a sharp blade; or to greatly reduce an amount, price, or cost
mortgages /ˈmɔː.ɡɪ.dʒɪz/ B2	noun - Legal agreements by which a bank lends money in exchange for taking title of the debtor's property
devour /dɪˈvaʊ.ər/ C1	verb - To eat food hungrily or quickly; to consume or destroy completely
decapitated /dɪˈkæp.ɪ.teɪ.tɪd/ C2	verb - Cut off the head of a person or animal; severed the top part of something
holographic /ˌhɒl.əˈɡræf.ɪk/ C2	adjective - Produced using holograms (three-dimensional images created with photographic projection)
guinea pig /ˈɡɪn.i ˌpɪɡ/ B1	noun - A small domesticated tailless South American rodent; often kept as a pet or used in scientific research
parasite /ˈpær.ə.saɪt/ C1	noun - An organism that lives in or on another organism; or a person who habitually relies on or exploits others
predominantly /prɪˈdɒm.ɪ.nənt.li/ C1	adverb - Mainly; for the most part
vertebrae /ˈvɜː.tɪ.breɪ/ C2	noun - The small bones that form the backbone or spine
chiropractor /ˈkaɪə.rəʊˌpræk.tər/ C2	noun - A practitioner of the system of complementary medicine based on the manipulative treatment of misaligned joints
delirious /dɪˈlɪr.i.əs/ C1	adjective - In an acutely disturbed state of mind resulting from illness or intoxication and characterized by restlessness, illusions, and incoherence of thought and speech
misogynist /mɪˈsɒdʒ.ən.ɪst/ C2	noun - A person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women
narcissist /ˈnɑː.sɪ.sɪst/ C1	noun - A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves