– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Hi, I am Caleb Hearon, and this is my last meal.

Every person has exactly two things in common.

We all got to eat and we're all gonna die.

Today's guest is a writer, actor, podcaster, and standup

comedian whose debut special model comedian comes out on HBO

Max September 19th in college.

He often frequented the Bear Cloth Center for Learning and

Writing at the Meyer Library at Missouri State University.

Caleb Hearon, welcome to the show.

Hey, Josh.

Thanks for having me.

Of course.

I know education is very important to you.

Tell me how you found out about the value of the writing center.

Okay, Josh.

So my, when I got dropped off at college mm-hmm.

I'm assuming you know this, um, when I got

dropped off at college, I, my mom dropped me off.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

We moved my stuff into my dorm, uh, outside of the dorm.

I came out to her as bisexual.

And, uh, I was like, I'm bisexual.

And she was like, crying.

She's like, am I gonna have grandkids?

I was like, it's really not about you at the moment.

And then I sent her away and then I went, I got on

Grindr, which I had already, but I got on Grindr, went

to a, the dorm next to mine, hooked up with a guy, uh, who

was like a sophomore there.

And when after we hooked up, he was brushing his teeth.

Because there was a sink in his room.

I know some of 'em had sinks in the room.

Shout out Missouri State.

He was brushing his teeth and he was like, you really

gotta use the writing center.

It's an incredible resource.

He was like an ra And I was like, I will.

And I did.

That's incredible.

That's great.

That's building community and building life skills.

I love that he was doing his job.

Yeah, we hooked up and then I went to the

writing center a lot.

'cause I was a sociopolitical communication major.

I just wrote a lot of papers so I had to use their help a lot.

But yeah, that was the first thing I learned

about college man.

Incredible.

Not funny.

What a life. What a life to live.

What?

Hey, shout out Missouri State.

Go Bears.

Uh, my Chance, who works on my show is here.

He went there too.

But yeah, we, we love Missouri State Chance,

how long did it take for you to hook up with an ra?

Um, still waiting.

Yeah, still waiting.

He'll get there one day.

Well, well hold on.

Let you know.

Let's, let's, Hey man, people, one of those like

military students who's there as like a 30-year-old.

Yeah. Yeah.

A non-traditional with the rolly backpack.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Great.

Um, thank you for being here, by the way.

Thanks for having me.

I'm very excited.

Have you thought about your last meal before?

Uh, yes.

Often I think about meals pretty much constantly.

I'm never not thinking about a meal.

I really am.

I'm, I'll be at a meal talking about my next meal

with whoever I'm with.

Uh, sometimes I'll be eating food thinking, man, I wish I

was eating a meal right now.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's like I, I can't, obviously I can't stop and I love it.

Um, but yeah, I've thought about it.

I've thought about it quite often.

Did anything that made your list today surprise you?

Were there any deep cut pulls?

You're like, oh, I didn't know I felt that way about that dish.

I don't know if you have people express this to you often, but

I didn't want to stress your staff out, so I tried to keep

it very logistically easy.

No, you were probably the first person to ever say

that and I, I genuinely think that says a lot about you

and where your value slices.

I was like, what are these people gonna do if I say

something complicated?

So I'm like picking places and it's all stuff I love.

I love, I have a reason I picked every one of these

things and I'll talk about it, but I was thinking

like he's got some poor.

He's got some poor staff person driving around in like

a beat up Toyota Corolla, like putting shit in their trunk.

Yeah.

I gotta make it easy.

No, you are absolutely correct that that does happen.

Um, the, the worst thing is when people just say

pizza from New York.

Yeah.

And then, and then we have to say like, what kind of pizza?

Where in New York?

What are you talking about?

So you were incredibly descriptive.

Like, I wanna say that was a very empathetic

move of you to do that.

Uh, how often do you think about death?

Okay.

Often, but I've gotten way better about it.

I used to be, dude.

I used to be.

So is there a better and worse?

Well, yes, because I used to be obsessed when I was

really, really depressed.

Shout out to depression.

Shout out to being a sophomore in college.

Shout out.

Depression is sponsoring this video.

Yeah, yeah.

The little, the little, uh, skeleton finger that

tickles the title card.

I'm familiar.

Um, I, I know that, I know that Death and Depression

are, uh, are our big sponsors of the show.

Yeah.

Um, yeah.

I thought about it so much that I was like, paralyzed by it.

Mm-hmm. And like very depressed.

And then it made me a hypochondriac for a while,

and then I kicked that.

I was like, no more.

I can't be doing this.

I kicked a hypochondria and biting my nails

in the same year.

Cold Turkey on both or used patches?

No, I, I used the patches on both.

I said, no more.

This is ruining you.

But I used to think about death in such a negative

way, and then I started to think of it as a. Do Okay.

This might be helpful to somebody.

Mm-hmm.

This is how I kicked my fear of death.

Okay. I'm being dead serious.

I started to think of, uh, death as like a, you know, when

you hang out with people all day, like you had like a whole

day of hanging out with your family or something, and then

you, um, drive home alone and you like have the windows on.

It's really nice.

You listen to music by yourself and you're so glad

that you just saw everybody.

You're like, oh man, it was so nice to see everybody, but

I'm so glad to be doing my own thing now, and I'm assuming I'll

see them again at some point.

But I guess kind of, who knows?

I started to view death as that to be like, oh,

I just left a great hang.

Maybe I'll see them again.

Maybe I won't.

But now I'm just kinda doing my own thing for a second and that

really helped me get over it.

But I was thinking about death like every minute of every day.

That's actually a really beautiful sentiment.

I think it might have been Ramdas who said death is like

taking off an uncomfortable shoe at the end of the day.

God, I hope that'd be a fantastic, yeah, it's

probably not true, but kid isn't that beautiful.

That's incredible.

He's probably full of shit, but God, wouldn't that be nice?

I remember there was like a, maybe when I was in like fourth

grade, I came home from a soccer game and I was like sobbing.

I was so upset.

And my mom was like, what?

What?

What is wrong?

What happened?

And I was like, I'm just like, when you die, do

you get to play soccer?

And she was like, fuck.

She was like, I don't know.

So I've been, it's been on my mind for a while.

Uh, you ready to eat?

I'm ready to eat.

Let's do it.

Caleb, for the first course of your final meal on Earth,

we have the crispy buffalo wings with homemade ranch.

These were inspired by Ye Rustic Inn, but they.

Did refuse to give us their actual sauce.

So this is all homemade.

Did they really?

Yeah.

Can you talk to your boys, small businesses, knock it off.

We're trying to help you out.

Agreed.

And a can of Dr. Pepper, but then also we have one

more surprise dish for you.

Okay.

Just as a gift from the kitchen.

Okay.

Oh my God.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's cupcake.

You went, you went on Royal Court with Brittany Broski and

she served you store-bought cinnamon rolls and lukewarm

chili, Brittany, because she's a terrible host.

She's just rude and churlish and so we wanted to make you

the Candy City Delight fresh.

She's a, sorry.

I'm not mythical kitchen girl.

I'm sure I'm not mythical kitchen girl.

I mean, good girl.

Brittany, I love you.

So much.

I'm so sorry they did this to you, girl, because this already

looks way back, Brittany.

I'm so sorry you did that to Caleb.

Britney, because now we had to come.

Correct.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Dig it.

There's a secret ingredient in chili and I'm wondering if you

can, uh, identify it if, yeah, if, if you have any, if you

have any knowledge of me at all.

I think I know what it's, have you ever had, uh,

uh, CINON roll with chili?

I never have.

No.

Oh, it's such mid Midwest depending on what part of

the Midwest you're from.

Mm-hmm.

You guys put some grape jelly in there.

What's up brother?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Puts some grape jelly in there.

Why do you put grape jelly in chili?

It thickens it.

It makes it sweeter.

Are you, did you enjoy your bite?

I did enjoy my bite.

Wow.

Oh, fair.

So then what is there to ask?

Hey, fair point.

No, it's um, it makes it thicker, it makes it sweeter.

It's really nice.

Grape grape jelly also for meatballs.

Mm-hmm.

Grape jelly for meatballs.

Grape jelly for chili.

What meats doesn't grape jelly go with?

I don't know that there is one.

Maybe chicken.

Yeah, maybe you put grape jelly chicken.

Little grape jelly chicken away.

I think that's the only meat I have put grape jelly on.

This is really good.

Oh, Brittany, I'm so sorry girl.

You're getting cooked alive.

Yeah, Brittany.

Oh, this is horrible.

I refuse to apologize for this.

Uh, this was other, oh, Brittany remind me the

people who cooked it.

So I think Lily was the architect.

Mine, the chili Lily.

We have an incredible staff.

They do all the work.

I just get to sit here and yap.

And I'm incredibly grateful for em.

Can Lily hear me right, hear me right now?

Uh, yeah.

She's on a headset.

Lily, this is so good my love.

You don't have to respond.

Don't worry.

She's doing the Brittany breast right now, now responding.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Me not hearing a response and getting insecure.

Don't worry.

No need to respond.

Lily.

Um, I'm gonna ask about the wings because I know your mom,

Kelly has said she could quote.

Solve Iraq and Iran by, right?

Yeah, by flying over with a case of Miller Lights and homemade

chicken wings and ranch.

Yeah.

Do you think you got your activist streak

from your mother?

She's obviously very talented at us.

This woman, this is the most special person on her, to me.

I love her so much.

She's so wonderful.

What happened was she came on my podcast for the second

time and the night before we were at dinner and she

was like, how you been?

You know? I'm like, oh, I'm good.

I'm just.

I'm really, you know, spinning out about the world as usual.

Mm-hmm.

And I was like, you know, Iraq and Israel

and the bombs and shit.

And I, I'm just really worried about it.

And I was specifically going on a rant about, um, when

we bombed, um, Iraq with those planes, took off from

Missouri, the Air Force base by my, by my hometown.

And I was like, God, it just feels like these really

expensive planes flying over a bunch of people who don't

have healthcare and can't afford their houses to go drop

bombs on other poor people.

It just feels insane.

And I'm telling her this and she goes, yeah.

Well, I'm thinking about going out drinking

with Jen this weekend,

and then she comes on my show the next day and she's

like, I think, you know, we were talking about Iraq

and um, Iran last night.

Iran never entered the conversation, but then she,

she, yeah, she goes, I'm gonna send chicken wings

and Miller Light and fix it.

Incredible.

I think that's, that's the sort of Midwest hospitality.

Yeah.

That you really, a nation of people who really

don't drink alcohol.

Fantastic.

Yeah.

I'm completely addicted to her.

She's the coolest person who's ever lived.

Um, but yeah, I, um, maybe, I don't know if I got an

activist streak from her, but I definitely, um, wanting to fix

things with food I got from her.

I respect that sign of which please dig, dig into the wings.

I'm curious how, how we did compared to you rusting.

'cause they are probably the best in la I'm, I'm mad with

them now though, that they, that they did You guys like that?

Oh, I am your own priorities.

You can, we never wanna pull rank.

We never wanna ask for anything special.

I do.

Well, I should call them.

Okay.

These are, yeah.

Incredible.

Do you have a chicken wing eating strategy?

It just depends.

You're seeing one right now that I don't think

I've ever done in my life.

I love that.

It's your last meal.

You gotta live here, you gotta experiment.

But this is the important thing.

When you're eating a chicken wing, you gotta

push it off a little bit.

Mm-hmm.

You do this one, sometimes you can do both, like right.

And then you dip, and then you just, yeah.

You going side mount.

I go straight.

Right now in the middle, right down works.

Mm-hmm.

Was this Lily again?

Mm-hmm.

Lily combination of people.

This might have been Tony.

Only Lily.

Only Lily.

You did an amazing job.

Give her all the credit.

She, she's the headphone producer.

The chef gets all the credit.

Oh no.

This is incredible.

And the ranch is so good.

Your mom used to work at bars growing up, right?

She did while she was going to nursing school and raising

two kids as a single mom.

My mom, yes.

Raising two kids by herself.

Uh, working three jobs and going to nursing school.

Um, she's an absolute hero.

And never had the balls to do comedy though.

And, um, never too late mom.

She would bring home chicken wings from the bar.

So it was my favorite food because she would come home

with them and then we'd get to, you know, eat together.

And also it was like mom's home, so it's actually mom whole day.

And she smelled, one of the jobs she had was, she worked

at a bowling alley, and so she smelled all the time

when she came home, watch odd times I'd be asleep and

she'd come like, give us a hug while we were asleep.

She smelled like, um, cigarettes and stale beer and fried food.

And I was like, ah.

So now still to this day when I walk into a bowling alley,

I'm like, it feels like, oh, it sounds like as far as parents

go, like a truly heroic effort.

And you one time called DFS on her because she took your

PlayStation away and said that she abused you and then

caused a bunch of home visits.

Did you come for the king?

Don't miss, do you remember the first time that you had

that adult sit down with your mom and you're like, Hey.

As an adult now through a retrospective lens, I understand

how much you did, and I'm sorry.

Was there ever that conversation.

No.

No. Yeah.

I mean, there's been a bunch of 'em, I think

like a lot in college.

I don't know if that happens for a lot of people in college.

Yeah.

I, I'm assuming that it does, but really in college, just

like trying to pay my bills and get myself everywhere

and also do my laundry.

Yeah.

And like feed myself and do all this stuff that

she was helping with.

I was like, man, that I can't believe she had

us, you know what I mean?

I, I distinctly remember one phone call in college.

I'm sorry, this is crazy.

I was like, why didn't you have an abortion?

I was like, seriously?

What?

Damn, what were you thinking?

Having kids?

'cause she was.

Young.

She had my brother when she was 17, she was a child and she

would, we are very, very broke.

And I'm like, what the hell were you thinking?

And she's like, no, no.

I just thought we figured it out.

And we kind of did.

And I was like, rock on girl, whatever.

That's kind of like a laissez-faire attitude that

I. Maybe respect in a way.

I think it's cool as hell.

Meanwhile, I'm not having kids until I'm like certain that

I have nothing else to do.

I've got like enough money in the bank.

Yeah.

Wanna be with someone for quite a while, you know?

What's your motivation behind wanting to have kids?

Because I, I think especially like I, I grew up in from a

really poor background, single parents, both them die pretty

early and I know damn well that a lot of my motivation

is, oh, I can do this better.

Yeah.

And I don't feel good about that motivation, but I'm

wondering where your comes from.

Yeah. Well, you were born in Maryland.

Uh, he knows the bio.

And then you, and then you came out here.

Did you come up here with your parents or was there a

different I made, I made one stop between Maryland and here.

What was the pit stop?

Kansas City, Missouri for five years.

Knock it off right up.

No, you did not.

There's videos of me, there's, there's videos and

photos of me and a little chiefs beanie, you know.

Are you serious?

I'm not serious.

Yeah.

What part did you live in?

I think it was called like Gladstone or

Brookstone something Stone.

Brookside or Gladstone.

Those are called Gladstone.

Gladstone.

Gladstone, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

In the Northland, apparently.

That's crazy.

I don't remember much about it, but it's kind of, you didn't

have me on this show sooner.

I agree.

Actually, now it's, you're kind of starting to look

bad to me a little bit.

Yeah, no, I get that.

I hear that a lot actually.

Yeah.

Because we have all these things in common.

I wish we could do it back, but yeah.

Well, let's just make this one good.

I guess it's good.

I guess I feel like the mood is soured, but you know,

we can, we can get it back.

Oh, I'm gonna be negative the rest of the shoot.

Yeah.

Um, okay.

So why do I wanna have kids?

Same deal.

I think I can do a, I think I'll never do better than my mom did.

I could do better than my dad with my hands tied by my back.

God, God love him.

He just was not good.

He should not have had kids.

Um, this is making my nose run, so we'll be dealing with

that for the rest of the shoot.

Love y'all.

Um, yeah.

Could do better than my dad.

Truly.

I, I, it would be, I impossible to imagine being

as bad of a parent as my dad.

He just was not, he just wasn't good at it.

He refused to talk to me like a kid in some ways.

Made me smarter, but was not, you know, helpful.

I would like to do that.

And I also think like so many.

People I don't like are having like six and seven

kids and like repopulating the earth and their kids might

turn out to be really cool.

Plenty of people turn out to be different than their parents,

but I'm like, I wanna raise like cool little kids, you know?

Yeah.

I wanna raise like fun, nice human beings who

like do cool stuff.

I think it'd be good.

Do you think I shouldn't?

No, no.

I. What do you think?

What did you get from that look?

You think I gave you a look?

That, what do you think I should have said?

I shouldn't have kids.

What do you think?

I shouldn't have kids or I think should, no, I think

you should have kids.

Nice.

I think if you want kids, I think that's the most

important thing to having kids.

And like you said, it seemed like your dad really didn't

wanna have kids and your mom was at least indifferent

enough to not ab bore you.

And I think that's beautiful.

That's, you know what I mean?

How long have you and your wife been together?

Uh, only married for like eight months, but together for

like five and a half years.

Long time.

Why not kids?

Uh, we're

alright, grandma.

Fine.

We're, we're trying.

I'm just, I'm, I'm in the, the, I'm at the driving range

almost, you know, every night.

Well, two nights a week, one night a week we get tired.

Um, you're doing dr. You're at the golf, dr.

You're driving golf balls.

That was a metaphor for us having sex.

Oh, nice.

This didn't come through.

I thought you meant I can't.

My wife 'cause I'm at the driving,

sorry man, I can't give up the driving race.

You know what, I know.

I went, I went too many layers deep.

Um, that's so funny.

I'm no Kelly hair and I don't have the comedic timing.

Um, I'll get her pregnant once I stop golfing so damn much.

That is something I'd say no, we, we are like actively

in the process of trying and we're, we're both like very

aligned on it, but yeah.

Have you ever gotten close to finding that person

that you think you wanna have kids with or no?

Mm.

I don't know.

It's a complicated, uh, it's a complicated question.

I've recently found someone that I could imagine

myself having kids with.

Is it like a romantic person or like a surrogate?

Yes, yes.

It's a romantic person.

Imagine it was a surrogate.

I'm like, yeah, I saw a woman the other day who just

looked like she could do it.

Um, I don't know.

I do have mini surrogates in my life.

I mean, all these lesbians, you know, so don't many of

'em I've got, I could, I could practically, I could

pick up the phone right now I think, and get a lesbian

to go down to the clinic.

But who are, who are the top three lesbians in your

life right now that you think would surrogate?

It's tough 'cause they're all career ladies.

Mm-hmm.

But, and so they all wanna act and stuff, you know, I think you

then have to find the one whose career trajectory is going down.

Oh, that's, God, that's easy.

Okay.

Um, my top three lesbian friends whose careers aren't going well.

Yeah. Correct.

Okay. And this is my camera.

Yeah. Okay.

Um, no, I dunno.

There's so many lesbians that I'd like to have

kids with, actually.

I feel very, do you know those guys who have that

sickness where they want to have kids, like as an illness?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where they have to, they want, they're like, I

want a hundred kids.

Yeah.

I low key understand them just from like sheer

kind of narcissism that like need to spread.

No, no.

Their's is narcissism.

Mine's not about like spreading my seed or

something sick like that.

But I do go, God, all these lesbians and I would have such

beautiful children, you know?

I think it'd be so fun to be like, oh man, that's

my kid with that one.

You know?

Who's this person not?

Not asking you to name names, but how did you realize that

this might be a person that you wanna have kids with?

What are you looking for?

He has, uh, many wonderful qualities, but I think when

I think about raising kids with someone or starting

a family with someone in general, not even just

kids, just like operating a household like day to day.

Yeah.

Patience is the thing that I'm like, yeah, when something

goes wrong on vacation or when your kids are being

really annoying or just a lot of life situations, call

for someone to just be like.

Okay.

That'll be fine.

You know what I mean?

That's, that's the thing that I love most about my wife.

I'll say that like I.

Asians I married.

What?

Patience.

I thought you said Asians.

I was like, no, Jewish.

Uh, you said I love that about my, I go Asian.

Uh, no.

She's like, I, I feel like I'm married up, like

morally, like I married up in character in a way that is

really aspirational for me.

Are you debauch?

Am I debauch?

That's the weirder question than Asian.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's your wife's race and also are you debauch?

I've been a debas, lecherous.

Cantankerous, like a lot of us is.

Um, but no, she's somebody who I think just has like

a very direct, beautiful moral compass that makes me

want to be a better person.

Yeah.

You know, and I think transmitting that to kids is

like when we both have kids.

They're gonna be best friends.

They're gonna play together.

That's beautiful.

What you said about your wife, I don't want to graze over that.

If you ever put that five iron down, you guys are gonna

start a beautiful family.

God, one day if you just put your driver back in with the

caddy, you guys are gonna have a beautiful family, I think,

Caleb, for the second course of your final meal

on earth, we have the pork belly burn to ends.

This has been shipped out from slaps barbecue in Kansas City.

We have the pickles, the beans, the mac and cheese,

the baked potato casserole thing I've never had before.

Little bit of white bread, some extra sauce on the side.

And then on the West coast barbecue front, we have moose

craft barbecue, poblano, Oaxaca sausage with both

of their barbecue sauces and some pickled chilies.

Yeah, this means so much to me that you pick this.

Do you like this place?

I love this place.

It's the best barbecue in LA in my opinion.

That means the world to me, especially coming from

Kansas City, one of the great barbecue cities in the

barbecue, uh, uh, triangle.

I know I love, well, kin city barbecue is incredible

and I shout out to slaps.

I'm so glad they sent you all this.

Their pork belly burns are not always on the menu.

It slaps isn't necessarily where I would send someone who's

never had Kin City barbecue.

Mm-hmm.

But it's where I would take someone if they were

like, what barbecue would you have for lunch today?

For real?

Yeah.

I wouldn't go to one of the crazy spots with a

line down the street.

This place often does have a line, but this is

more to me like when, you know, the, the landscape

of barbecue in Kin City.

This is where you go to like, just have lunch.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

I respect that so much, man.

I can, I can't wait to dig you this, it looks so goddamn good.

Okay.

Let's, I really, really hope you like it.

Oh, they're so nice there too.

I love them.

Oh.

I'm so mad that everyone else in here isn't

eating this right now.

Someone come, where's Lily?

Willie Li, come here back.

Lily, would you come here please?

Right here, Lily.

At this point, it's like, no, this is so, and y'all, Ooh.

So how did you, I wanna know how you got this here.

Can you, will you just tell me that briefly?

Yeah.

So they, they shipped it here, vacuum shield, and it was our,

uh, it was whole and then we.

Cut it up, crisped it up in the oven, then let it sit in the

sauce like, 'cause the burnt end is sitting in that heat

and the sauce for a long time.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This makes me proud to be an American.

I wanna thank you for saying that.

'cause right now I do feel politically right now

that's a scary thing to say.

Yeah.

And I wanna thank you for saying that.

No, I do, I do know what you mean though.

There are, I never feel more like, like, uh, bald eagle,

soaring in the background country music rising.

Yeah.

Than when I'm at a barbecue restaurant in Missouri or

Texas or North Carolina and I'm sitting out there and everyone's

just like smiling and eating.

So too much food in the heat.

Yeah, I like that.

This is also like a very unique part.

Of American culture that doesn't exist roughly

anywhere in the world.

Well, I get mad sometimes.

It's funny 'cause you were talking earlier about Orange

County and people having a very particular idea of

Orange County and they go, oh, orange County is rich

white people or whatever.

Mm-hmm.

People paint the whole middle, uh, part of the

country as just like, oh, just like, you know, ignorant

white people or whatever.

And they do it with Kansas City too.

And I'm like, Kansas City is such a profoundly

influenced black city.

Kansas City's like 20 to 30% black depending on.

Like what's going on with the census at any given time?

It's a jazz capital of the country.

Like Ja, the jazz history in Kinsey is a very black history.

Barbecue is extremely black.

And so I get really annoyed when people are like, oh God, I don't

know if I wanna come over there.

You know?

I'm like, no, come on.

What are you talking about?

Like some of the best parts of our country

are from black culture.

No.

In places like Kansas City, I learned about woman town

in Kansas City from a podcast that you did with a gay

Missouri historian come on.

Which was like incredible.

Like you're really, you're putting your culture on the map.

Lesbianism, my culture of lesbians, I'm gonna eat all

of this and be safe, all that.

I'll do it with you.

My culture of lesbians.

Yeah, no woman town is this really interesting, um, thing

that happened in like the eighties and nineties where a

bunch of lesbians were like, we're gonna build a utopia.

And they mean build it.

I mean these are lesbians we're talking about, so they're like.

And nailing shit, you know, I've seen 'em do it.

It's crazy.

It's crazy how handy they are with shelves and things.

Um, so they, they go to all these women's festivals,

you know, like Louis Fair and stuff, and they're like,

Hey, we're building a, and they're putting, they're

writing in the lesbian like publications, come to Kansas

City, we're building a utopia.

And they bought up a bunch of properties and started like

fixing up houses together.

And the running joke at the time, my friend Stuart Hines

was telling me he is a gay professor in Kansas City.

But he was telling me that the joke at the time was,

if you're a man and you drive through Woman Town

duck because they'll shoot.

And it was just like a super like pro woman.

I was researching for some characters that I was writing,

um, and talking to a bunch of these older lesbians who

were around that community when they were making it.

And it's still a very gay neighborhood in Kansas City.

Kansas City's a very queer city.

Um, but yeah.

Really, really interesting.

The political right seems to have co-opted the entire

Midwest for themselves and the narrative.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think you're taking it upon yourself to try and

kind of reverse that in a way?

I'm just telling the truth.

Sure.

That it's not like that they can't have it.

We're for, I'm from there.

We're still over there.

And so they, it's so convenient for them that

they want it to be theirs.

They wanna be like, this is this, this whole they, they

like to do that thing where they share like the red map that's

like all land and they're like, look how red this country is.

And it's like, that's empty land.

You moron.

Even though that red, that could be.

38% blue and that is still representative of like

millions of individuals that have hopes and dreams

and souls and aspirations.

Yeah. And live in community there.

And are your neighbors and are your neighbors

I the electoral college.

The electoral college has to go.

It's not working for us.

It's bad.

It's bad.

It's bad. It's bad, it's not working.

And I think it's so silly and stupid.

Like most people, most people don't even vote the, and,

and the ones that do don't have any clear ideology.

I, in my standup specialist coming out, I talk about

this like, most people in this country aren't

Democrat or Republican.

They're like a secret third thing that's

even more psychotic.

You can't like.

You can't actually pin them down.

The trying to paint like the whole Midwest and south

as being like one type of way is very silly to me.

Um, and the, the smartest like sharpest, coolest left

activist that I, uh, have ever met and learned the

most from live in Missouri.

Yeah, because they're so embattled, they need, it's

like actually crucial to their day-to-day lives.

Then I moved to Chicago and, you know, I love Chicago dearly,

but a lot of the activists I was around were just kind of like.

We're chilling.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it wasn't so existential.

Sure. It just wasn't.

They're brilliant.

They're very, very educated.

But the, the things I learned about activism from people

working in, uh, leftist politics in Missouri are still

the most important things I learned about politics.

I love those people.

Can I give you a sausage?

Would you, I'm really excited now.

You dodged me.

You dodged me earlier.

Right before we cut about God.

I did.

I dodged.

You didn't wanna talk to me about God.

What's your faith?

None.

You know? Faith, no faith.

Did you ever think about it?

Nah.

Never crossed your mind.

Ready to go on course number two.

You think I'm not gonna ask you, you about God in the next one.

No.

No, no.

I'm, no, no.

That wasn't, I was literally stopping.

So you would ask me about God in the next one.

Okay. Um, I grew up.

Jewish, but by culture and not faith necessarily.

Okay.

I found out that all of my Jewish grandmas, everyone, ones

who kept kosher just straight, did not believe in God one bit.

Mm-hmm.

They're like, this is here.

This is a cultural tradition.

Our family fled Lithuania from the pogroms in the 1880s.

This is what has kept us sort of alive as a family,

are these traditions, but no actual theology.

It's not until recently I started thinking about that.

I grew up right next to the second biggest evangelical

mega church in America.

Thank you Saddleback.

Uh, Saddleback Church.

Mm-hmm. In Orange County.

Love their work.

Have you, are you familiar with 'em?

No. Okay.

Thank God.

Uh, Jesus.

Like, no, they got me, but like actively tried to be converted.

I, I remember going to a friend's house and his

family was serving KFC and I reached to grab a piece

of chicken and his dad.

Grabbed my hand and said, in this house, we thank our

Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for our meals, and if you

would like to partake in this bounty of Kentucky Fried

Chicken, you will do the same.

That's awesome. He knew I was Jewish.

That's awesome.

It was awesome.

And then I ate it and I threw up on his trampoline.

Yeah. A bunch of cole slaw.

That's awesome.

With the same coming in and out.

That's awesome.

I hope you don't cut.

When I did that to you before we started the show.

No, you, you tried to bring out the food and I said, we

pray so, and now you said you were gonna cut it, but please

don't let him out because we're gonna actually, we're

actually, we'll shoot a pickup later just so we get it clean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what about you?

I know you grew up in a big evangelical church,

but it sounds like it was your decision.

It wasn't like any family.

My mom's, she has always been, she's very nice person.

She's a Christian.

She reads the Bible, but she's never gone to church 'cause

she was working so much and raising kids that she was

like, the last thing I'm doing on my Sunday morning.

Is getting dressed up and going to a building

to be told how to act.

God wouldn't want that.

She's like, no, he rested.

Like it was just never her thing.

And so, but I, all my friends were going to church and so

I was like, I wanna fit in.

So I started like sending myself to church.

And my mom was, I, I think I do genuine, she would never

say this, but I genuinely think she was little.

Like, ha you know, I think, I think she was like, you're

kind of like a loser, you know?

Being like, what do you mean you wanna go to

church two times a week?

Freak you're like a kid.

You know?

Yeah.

That, I mean I see that from her perspective.

Yeah.

But it was also where all my friends were hanging

out and I went to one of those cool megachurches.

Do you see that?

That I hope the camera caught that like incredible

juice pop from that sausage get the instant replay.

I really didn't.

I really wanted to just get into it and not cut it with a egg.

'cause I think that's the proper way to eat that sausage.

You're correct.

And it looked really cool.

I hope the camera shows what I saw.

Um, but yeah, all my friends were hanging out there.

They were like giving out iPods and shit.

Was there a moment when you really knew like,

oh, this isn't for me.

I gotta get out.

Yeah, there were a couple.

First of all, I read the Bible.

That's, yeah.

It's a bad start to kid stomach.

That one that's big.

I'm, I'm dead serious.

You read that thing front to cover and you

go, this is bad shit.

I really like Revelation.

I loved it, man.

You go, this shit's crazy.

Another one was, I remember in youth group one time I

asked, we, there was a, um, Hey, this is gonna be sad.

There was a kid that, uh, killed themselves.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm so sorry to bring that up, but they, I asked

at youth group, you know, we were talking about it, we were

having a discussion, which is actually quite healthy

and good, but I was like, you know what happens to someone?

Who, uh, who like commit suicide.

And they were like, well, unfortunately

they do go to hell.

And I was like, okay.

Insane to just stare at someone's face and

say that truly crazy about like their friend.

And then I, and then I remember I was like, okay, let me take

it a step further and see if I really understand this.

And then I was like, I was maybe in like middle school,

I was like, what about someone who's born in genuinely

never heard the word of God?

Like never, no one ever witnessed to them.

They're like a far corner of the world.

And I, I'm not kidding you, my very otherwise, like reasonable

youth pastor, like a reasonable guy who exists in the world.

It was like, well, the Bible says that we should

know by the wind and the trees that God is real.

And I said, this is fucking stupid, man.

I was like, I'm so sorry, but that's crazy.

Here's your iPod, sir. I, I was like, I'm taking my latte

and I'm hitting the road.

This is crazy.

I just couldn't believe it.

And that for me was one of the times that

I was like, no chance.

As I get older, I just start craving that amount of faith and

I don't know if it's certainty.

Some sort of purpose community.

I know you went through like this very heavy atheist phase

where you were just posting on Facebook about the Flying

Spaghetti Monster and you were hosting a, you were hosting

film screenings of atheist films for the youth group kids.

Yeah.

Did you show them the movie Jesus Camp?

No.

Jesus Camp was a little bit after that.

Mm-hmm.

So we were already out of, but I showed them, um, well

now I feel bad that I put his work on 'cause he's gone nuts.

But Bill Maher, the, that, that movie I was

showing all my Christian friends and being like.

So what do you have to say?

You know, like trying to like ruin their faith.

Yeah.

Um, as a teenager, but I, I truly, I think like what I

want more than anything all the time is just connection.

I'm like chasing connection.

I wanna connect with people.

It used to, I think when I was a little bit younger, I

was wanting people to like me really badly and I was mistaking

that for chasing connection.

I was like, everyone needs to like me.

I can connect with plenty of people who don't like me.

I think it happens all the time, you know?

Yeah.

But I just want to connect with people so badly that I'm

like, yeah, I could, I could see myself ending up in a

religious movement on accident.

Where do you actually stand in terms of theology though?

Like, if you were to say, does God exist or not?

Or is that question even on top of your mind?

Yeah, I think, uh, to me, God is, uh, an

energy and like a force.

I think God is like, I, I do think that generally

humans have within us.

Now, some of us bury it and some of us destroy it, and

some of us put greed ahead of it, but I think humans at a

baseline are fundamentally good.

There's a force in the universe that pushes us to want to

be good and do good, and to love people and to be nice.

And I think that force is God, but I don't think God's like

a person in the sky, like, you know, raining down judgment.

And I don't, I'm, I'm heaven, maybe hell absolutely not.

Makes sense.

There's no such thing as hell.

Makes no sense.

There's no such, there's nothing you could do on this Earth

that would be proportional to an eternity of anything.

If it was really down there, we would've found it.

With strip mining, I'm, you know, we would've just gotten

there and I, yeah, I do a lot of drilling for oil.

Sure. Yeah.

You know, I didn't know that about, so I, the side

hustle has some drive.

Uber, you.

Mine for oil.

I'm mine for oil, and I'm happy to do it.

And the reason is because, are those ducks recovered yet?

No.

No.

Well, whatcha gonna do, but they're ducks.

They're ducks at certain point.

Who fucking cares?

I don't care about 'em at all.

Um, but I do, I drill, I drill, I drill.

And I, I think I would've found something down there.

I think so.

Yeah. The way that we're drilling.

Yeah.

Has the fracking company, has that taken off yet?

Is that public knowledge?

If we, we don't have to talk about the fracking

company if you don't want to, if it's not public.

But I, I would love for you to tell them about it.

Where's my publicist?

She's here somewhere, isn't she?

Caleb, for course number three of your final meal on

earth, we have the Bucatini with Gule from Hippo.

We have the crab fried rice from love to eat Thai Bistro.

Then the Sichuan green beans from Shang la Can I

offer you some fresh grated cheese on top of your buin?

I'm actually okay without cheese, but I would, I

would love to do it for you if you would allow me

to give you some on yours.

I, I, yeah.

Okay. Fabulous.

Thank you.

Do you want me to hold that?

Yeah. Are you ready?

Okay.

Say when maybe we could put that some Italian music over this.

This is way harder than you think.

Huh? Am I doing this the right way?

Sorry, I'm listening to the Italian music

in my head or whatever.

When it's like the Gond test.

Uh, you watch Eurovision?

No.

What? Why?

What's that?

You don't know about Eurovision?

It's the Super Bowl of That's the singing one International.

Yeah, it's, oh yeah.

No, I've never seen it, but I know about them.

They have like the freakish people from Finland and

stuff that do their songs.

Yeah. Yeah.

So you're talking about, uh, cha Chacha by Kara should

have won in 2023, but.

Did not.

It's actually pretty upsetting to me 'cause I was,

I dressed like him for the next Eurovision party though.

Yeah.

We rented out our favorite dive bar.

I wore chain mail.

Yeah.

That's enough cheese.

Thank you so much, much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah.

I don't, I find, um, I find it very scary

when Europeans gather.

Nothing good happens when they do.

I'll tell you that historically we shouldn't

let them get together.

And when they do, I feel very scared.

Either Paganism or fascism.

Yeah. Neither one.

It's like, don't touch me.

Yeah. I don't like it.

Or when they sing even it's like, give stop it.

I don't know.

I like the, I like the sexy bisexual Italian

rock bands though.

They're funny.

Sexy by bisexual Italian rock bands.

Moskin, they won in 2021.

Incredible year.

Why am I have to tattoo?

Well.

This is incredible.

One thing I tried to do with my dishes was I thought,

ma'am, so many people might watch this 'cause you guys

have such a big following.

Thank you. Have a very successful show.

I appreciate that.

Really means a lot that you've said that I

wanna congratulate you.

Um, but so many people might watch this and if they come to

LA I don't, I won't, don't wanna give dishes from restaurants

they can't get into, you know?

Okay.

I'm like, oh, these are things I love that I actually ate

when I lived here, hippo.

Great restaurant, good pasta, get a whole high

go sit on the patio.

Yeah.

It's a great place.

Why not out there?

Out there in the sticks though?

Depending on where you live, you gotta get out to Highland Park.

That's true.

You know, that's really true.

I do, I do love the Bucatini.

With the guanciale and I will say it's, um, it's, it's taken

on a lot of sauce, the bini, so it's a little overcooked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The noodles are too soft.

Sure.

So when I asked you that, Hey, we, we got this driven over from

HaBO, the chef made it fresh.

Yes.

But we couldn't fire it fresh.

Yeah.

And the noodles are gonna be overcooked.

So if you could not.

Pay any attention to that.

You decided then that you were going to do that?

Yes, sir. And do you wanna know why I made that, that call?

I would love to know, because I often will do this thing

on interview shows where I accuse someone of being,

you know, homophobic or Republican or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You, in all seriousness, before the cameras rolled for this

segment, you called me a hack.

Um, you called me a hack.

No, I said many people were saying you have hack tendencies.

You called me a hack.

And so I'm trying to do that to go to you out of saying

that the pasta was overcooked.

You know, I came in here with nothing but respect

for you and your staff.

Um, the way you've treated me has been crazy.

Yeah.

Um, it has been so crazy with respect and kindness

since we did that with respect and kindness.

Yeah.

How do you think you've remained so bulletproof with

all the crazy shit you say?

Is it because people know that you have a really good

heart, but I'm a comedian.

I feel like I'm supposed to say.

I'm supposed to be saying edgy stuff.

Don't you feel I, there are certain things that you say

that end up being Republican coded as in, and I don't think

it should be this way, say it, but saying that I'm a comedian,

I should be saying edgy stuff.

Yeah.

There's a very different type of comic than you that

generally says those things.

Yeah.

But in the same way that Republicans have tried to.

Intellectually colonize the Midwest.

Do you think they're doing that with edgy comedy?

I think it's very funny that leftists, like we get, so like

the thing that the right says all the time about like queer

people and trans people and like leftists is they're we're

like woke scolds or something.

I'm like, if you hung out with some of the trans

women I hang out with.

You would hear the most vile shit you have ever

heard in your, I mean, these people are nasty.

They're really funny and they're joking about everything and

it's really, really, I mean, it cracks me up, but I just

think, yeah, I don't know.

I just wanna be funny.

And I think if, if in a couple years people go, that guy is so

annoying, I'd go, no worries.

Go. Hey, rock on.

You know?

Especially a healthy way to think about it.

Well, whatever, you know, you can't do everything forever.

Hard pivot here.

I'm twofold.

To find a segue, you're writing a movie directed by

Lily Wakowski about your dead dad called Trash Mountain.

Yeah.

What do you want people to take away from that?

Well, I wanna thank you for doing that question with care.

Um,

I just love how you teed that one up and No, I'm playing.

I, my, uh, imagine I was sensitive.

Um, yeah.

I wrote a movie about my dad dying.

He was a hoarder.

Which is awesome.

But yeah, it's about, it's about going home to deal with that.

And it's, um, yeah, it's a great team.

Colin Avaro is producing Lily's involved.

Chris Ray, uh, brilliant director is also involved.

Um, just gonna be, I co-wrote it with my friend Ruby

Castor, who's a genius.

Um, and we have some really fun cast attached to it, but you're

never allowed to talk about that stuff in case it doesn't happen.

Um, but I'm excited.

I think we're, I think we'll probably make it pretty soon.

I know you said that when you went to spend weekends

with your dad, it felt like disappearing into a black

hole, which is like a really.

Heartbreaking thing.

Yeah.

Um, 'cause I grew up going to a visitation divorce dad,

where it was like awesome.

And I look forward to that all the time.

But are there any things that you look back on as an adult

with time with your dad that you're really grateful for?

My dad showed me a lot of comedy.

He showed me a lot of standup, which he should

not have been doing.

I mean, he showed me Carlin when I was like six.

Damn.

Um, my dad would love like random shit.

Like he was a huge fan.

He was a fan of Thurgood Marshall, the

Supreme Court Justice.

He like, he like loved the guy.

He was like, yeah, his decisions were either they,

they were just measured.

Like, he like really loved the Supreme Court justice, Thurgood

Marshall and I just like, he, he respected integrity.

He, he taught me a lot about like what it means to be a nice

person and like being, he was very big on like politeness.

Um, which is funny 'cause he was kind of an asshole.

But yeah, he taught me so many.

Did he, if he was an asshole, would he agree with that?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

But he would always, he would give it like a folksy kind of

like, he'd be like, he'd be like, he'd be, I'm a little

rough around the edges.

I'm like, you're an asshole.

You know?

Yeah. Yeah.

And you said your dad was also kind of depressed and

socially anxious, but people would often tell you that

you reminded them of him.

Yeah. When he was young.

Does any part of that freak you out?

Yes.

That, oh, am I just doomed to turn into this person who

was obviously such a brighter light earlier in his life?

Totally.

Dude.

My dad would be like, when I was.

When he was still alive, my dad would be like, I

used to be just like you.

Oh, I lit up every room.

And I was like, don't say that.

Have that beautiful singing voice too.

I was like, yeah, it's such a scary thing to say.

'cause he's like, yeah.

Then some, something someday just flipped.

I don't actually feel that it'll happen to me because I

think the, the big mistake of my dad's life was that he, he

really gave into the mental illness and he like really just

was like, well, I'm depressed.

What am I supposed to do?

You know?

And he, like, he allowed himself to be siloed and I don't even,

you know, I have like a rule.

That when I'm feeling depressed or I'm feeling

down, it's two to one.

Two to one.

You have to say yes.

And one you can say no, you can.

If you, if Monday night you wanna stay in the

house, cancel your plans.

Mm. And, uh, you know, eat horribly, do nothing,

watch garbage, go nuts.

But the next two nights you're doing something.

You know, and I think those rules and that like the, the

community and the network that I have, um, I think that will.

Help me to not ever become like him.

But that's scary shit to say to your kid, knowing, knowing

that you're off, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

To to be like, yeah, I used to be like you, and

then something just clicked and now I'm depressed

for the rest of my life.

I think I saw that in both my parents.

That's always been my biggest fear.

My wife and I were having the conversation recently of

Are we all sort of doomed?

Mm. But it sounds like you think that there are actual measures

that you could put in place that can like stop you from.

Succumbing to that.

You okay?

You wanna talk about a moment where I sound

kind of Republican?

I do randomly believe in personal responsibility.

Hey. Oh, you said it.

Ring the bell,

Caleb, for your final course of your final meal.

Yeah. On Earth.

You got the Whole Foods Berry Chantilly cake.

But we wanted to make it a little extra special for you.

So you were recently named the Six Caleb.

You recently named the six Most influential Creator in the

World by Rolling Stone Magazine.

That is one spot higher than Mr. Beast, who then rage

tweeted that he couldn't believe that a person with

only 1 million followers.

It was named more influential than him, and that the Rolling

Stones were, were mad at him.

And so I know you've been in Active Peace talks.

Yeah.

We're hoping that this cakes can sort of seal the deal.

Yeah, that's very cute.

Thank you. Um, God love him.

I, IJ you know, he, he called me.

Yeah.

Mr. Beast called me and said, I'm so sorry about that.

And I said, did he actually, this is really happened.

He really, he really did incredible.

He called, he said, can I call you?

I said, yeah, sure.

He called me.

I said, why the hell not brother?

He called me.

He was so apologetic.

I said, I leg, I legitimately thought it was funny.

I thought it was so funny.

Yeah, I laughed so hard.

It meant nothing to me.

I also, by the way, he's right.

It's like, hold on, hold on.

Okay, now we gotta change.

So this is no longer, sorry Mr. Beast.

This is, sorry.

Comma sign.

Mr. Beast.

Also, I just snuffed the candle flame out with my hand.

That was beautiful improv though.

You really, you got that quick.

Sorry, Mr. Beast, you should blow the camera.

It's only, it's only I will, but I thought it was funny.

I thought he was right.

I thought the whole thing.

I also don't, by the way, I don't think the list

was meant to be ranked.

I think they just put it in order of what they thought

would make people keep reading.

But I thought it was so funny.

I was like, that's hilarious.

And he was very apologetic.

I was like, no worries, dude.

I thought it was funny.

You've made it.

Yeah. Uh, please.

Are you guys impressed by that?

No one cared.

I did that from so far away.

Thank you guys.

Okay.

Can I cut you a piece?

Yeah.

Do you want from the, sorry, Mr. B side or the berry side?

Uh, berry side.

So there was some, uh, berry Chantilly, uh, cake

from Whole Foods Community backed me up on this.

In the comments.

There was the, uh, there was some drama.

Because Whole Foods, now you're thinking, Caleb,

you're a classy guy.

Why did you put a cake from Whole Foods on the

damn list on the show?

Because the cake is genuinely incredible and

you can get it anywhere.

So when you're traveling, it feels like a little,

uh, something familiar.

And they changed the recipe and they thought we wouldn't notice.

And we did the Chantilly cake community.

We went.

Yeah.

All of us, the they and we in this are interesting.

They changed the recipe and thought we wouldn't notice they

Whole Foods we the community.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Apparently it was very simple.

We the Chantilly cake community.

Yeah. Yeah.

We, the Chantilly Cake community.

We noticed, we Uproared and I've heard that maybe

they changed it back.

I don't know if they did change it back.

I don't know.

I haven't had it in a minute.

'cause when they changed it, I boycotted silently.

But you're very brave.

The, the history of activism does run deep into that.

Yes.

If I would could send this cake to a terrorist group, I think

I could get 'em to stop it.

Just to knock it off.

Pick a terrorist group and send him this cake

and just write a note that says, would you guys quit?

Yeah.

And I think they will.

And they would say, sorry, Mr. Sorry, Mr. Which is crazy.

It's incredible.

Have you been to Sweet Lady Jane?

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

You're trying to talk to me about another cake when you

just had my cake actually.

Yeah.

No, I can actually, I'm dead serious right now.

You talked about I'm kind of earn, I look at what I said

and I'm disgusted by that.

Where is sweet?

Where Sweet Lady Jane?

I don't know where.

Sweet lady Jane and popularized this cake in LA called

the triple berry cake.

Oh, you think this is a, this is a knockoff of it.

This is a knockoff and it's not.

That's not as good.

Well, now I'm doubling down on all the rudeness.

Oh my God. That's not nearly as good.

But you see how he's been secretly kind of rude

to me the whole episode and now it's coming out.

Yeah, it's coming out very directly.

I've been so passive aggressive and now I'm bold

because this's about crappy.

That's crazy.

But if you left now, we could still have a functional episode.

Yeah.

Uh, so now I have nothing to lose.

No, I just really, I think you're awesome and I really

enjoyed hanging out with you, but you clearly have

a real boiling hatred for me under the skin.

Yeah.

And the cake thing was a, the mask slipped my friend.

I didn't, the comment the commenters will

prove me right on this.

I normally don't blow up like that.

And, and I lost my cool there.

We gotta get this guy to the golf course.

I need blow up some steam.

I, I was thinking about what Mr. B said, and like

you said, he is correct.

Mm-hmm.

You only have a million followers.

You also are incredibly influential though.

Barely a million.

You are a lot more influential than your followers would belie.

And then I was thinking.

You could have way more followers and you've

actively made choices not to.

I don't want more followers.

Love that for you.

Don't. Please don't cut that.

I Please stop following.

No, I don't want more followers.

Graham, get outta here.

What do I need?

I'm chilling.

My bills are paid.

I sell.

I get to do shows.

I do the size of venues that I like.

My, my staff is paid.

My family is sick.

I'm like chilling.

I'm chilling.

I don't want more.

I like really?

I'm actually very scared.

Um, if you want an earnest uh, note, I had a big crash out

to my friends recently 'cause with the HBO special coming

out and some of the work and stuff, I'm very grateful 'cause

I like making stuff, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I like being in movies and I like working with people

and collaborating, but I'm like really scared 'cause I

don't want to be more famous.

I really, really, really am scared of it.

I think it's, um, I've seen people get very famous that

I know, and I really view it as a process of isolation.

And you just, a hundred percent, it's like you're

standing on a landmass and it becomes smaller and

smaller under your feet until you're on an island of one.

You can't go grocery shopping, you can't go to a

concert and be left alone.

You can't go get a coffee without it being strange.

I really, really, really am not.

Dying for more of it, but it's, it's kind of, I can

understand why people would be annoyed to hear me say that

if they were, because then here I am doing this shit.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. I'm on Your show is a huge show.

I'm doing like a standup special where I stand up

there for an hour and talk.

I just like it.

I like making stuff and I wanna make people laugh.

I'm very scared of fame and so I try very hard to thread

this needle of like, okay, I do have a public career and

that's insane of me for someone who says they don't want more

followers, but I try to just be like, well, I don't have to.

I don't have to try to constantly be growing

it end over end.

Do you know what I mean?

After climbing the mountain, what's left for me?

But lightning, I've been saying that You took

that from me, bitch.

That's my quote.

You took that.

That was your high school yearbook quote.

High school yearbook quote.

I authored that.

The, the world seems to be getting worse, you think?

So?

The, the phone, the phones are killing people.

The AI is making us dumb.

The oceans are acidifying.

All this.

What,

what gives you hope for the future?

Um, yeah, I guess it is getting pretty bad.

You just thought about it?

Well, shit, uh, no.

I feel bad for bursting the bubble.

Oh, damn.

I hadn't thought about it though.

Yeah, I know.

Things were going pretty well until the, they changed the

cake and I think that's when it.

That's when it started.

You're kidding.

But wait until the Barry Chantilly heads

get ahold of this.

I mean, they're gonna be in the comments letting you know we

had a real moment of crisis.

Um, what's giving me hope?

Like people, you know, I think people are, I think

people are mostly nice.

I really do think, like, you read all this stuff

about how like everyone's antisocial and everyone's

this or that, and then you go, we go out and you're

like, Hey, how's it going?

And they're like, oh good.

What about you?

It's like people are generally nice.

You're reading it on your phone.

Yeah. It's killing you.

You, you, I think if you go out into the world with

an energy of wanting to meet nice people, yeah.

You, of course you interact with some crazy annoying people.

Sure.

But for the most part, you meet nice people.

I do think we're mostly good, and I think that what

gives me hope is the idea that, um, whether I'm right

or wrong, maybe I'm just really naive and dumb and I'm

totally at peace with that.

But I really do think people mostly wanna do good.

And I think that we will, even though we're in

a really weird moment.

I, the reason I think that is 'cause even people who support

really bad evil stuff, they do believe that they're good.

You know what I mean?

And I, and I think that their, their desire to be good,

even though they're wrong and being bad is that's important.

'cause it means they want to be good.

So if we can just, it's so that can be harnessed and directed.

Yeah.

If we can just show them that, you know, it's like you're

actually not doing good even though you want to so badly.

That's obviously the hard part that I don't

know who's gonna do it.

Probably not me, I'm busy.

But, um.

Somebody's gotta get into that.

You have an HBO special coming out?

Well, I have an HBO special coming out.

I can't be worried about stuff.

Other stuff.

It's a different military conflicts and things

like that or not?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

But if you guys could stream my HBO special, I think that's

the first step in healing.

Got Caleb here in model comedian?

Yes.

And it's out on September 19th.

It's on September 19th on HBO.

Sure.

But you don't think the world conflicts are gonna

be going on after that?

No.

So the special comes out September 19th.

Sure.

And then I think war ends on the 20th.

That makes sense.

Yeah. No more war after the 20th.

I got the plugs, uh, switched up.

I would say war ends.

19th.

You're special out on the 20th?

No.

Yeah, it's special out 19th as a result, war ends the 20th.

That makes more sense then.

And then by Halloween, no famine.

And then I think everyone's housed by January.

Yeah.

That's, that's my plan.

That's what your publicist sent me.

That's what my publicists are telling people.

Sure.

So, but you guys have to stream, you know, if you

don't stream, we can't do anything about houselessness.

Yeah. That's, that's a tough thing.

Thing. So please stream.

What do you think happens when you die?

I have a real fear that it's nothing you

ever think about that.

Think about, yeah.

Yeah. You ever think about that?

I'm almost like a 99.7% certain in my own politics.

And in spirituality.

God, that would be tough.

That the case.

Wouldn't that be silly?

All this for nothing.

Like taking off a shoe though, you know?

Or driving home from your friends, except, yeah.

Forever.

And the thing about taking off the shoe is

that you get to watch TV or something afterwards.

You know, it's real tough to be like, you take off the shoe

and then it's nothing, and then you fall into a black hole.

It's like, okay, I'll keep the shoe on.

Yeah.

Um, what do I think happens when we die?

I really hope it's something nice.

I kind of have been flirting with the idea

recently that maybe everyone goes to a good place.

And that no one gets punished for anything that they did

here and that it's just like, oh, we all get there and we

all kind of go like, that was crazy that you did that.

You know?

But they're good in the, you know, they're good once

they get there that they go, yeah, I'm sorry y'all.

What was I thinking?

All those people that tried to do good but ended up doing

bad in their effort to do good, they kind of get up

there and they're all healed in this universal love.

And if it's nothing, I'm gonna be so pissed.

'cause what was all this about?

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

What do you think of me?

What?

Well, I will say that that is the second time you've

asked me that and knowing each other for about 68 minutes.

What do you think of me?

Sure.

Uh, no, I think you are.

No, no.

Don't answer.

Don't answer.

No, I'm gonna answer.

I think you could have done anything that you

wanted in this life.

I think you were that gifted.

Logos, pathos, ethos.

Like you have every single trapping of

somebody who could have.

Frankly conquered the world and done bad things.

Evil.

A little bit.

Yeah. Life is long.

You know, life is long.

You could still be pivoting, become, uh, lead, uh,

legal counsel, counsel for British Petroleum.

Yeah, something like that.

I know you'd do it.

Um, but I'm very glad that you've chosen

to use those skills.

For comedy, and I think you have incredible deductive

powers to use that for your own happiness, not your own power,

which I think is very important.

Well, that's very sweet.

I, I did, when I said it, I thought maybe we would come

to kind of a funny place where you did like a joke and then

you said something very sweet, which was extremely nice of you.

And I do appreciate that.

Do you want me to do it?

We can do another take.

Do you wanna do a take where we do a joke?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

And then you guys just decide what you wanna use?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Okay.

You guys ready?

Okay.

What do you think of me?

Kay, if you're already gotten the lightning

round, yeah, let's go.

Let's do it.

Gotta give them options.

Doing this for, what do you think of me

Ca? Who's the one person dead or alive?

You'd want to share your actual last meal with Dolly Parton.

What song do you want to be played at your funeral?

Um, dynamite.

I don't even know who sings that song.

Is that acon?

Diana?

Tyo Cruz.

Thank you.

By the way, why is that Everyone's so

fast on Tayo Cruise.

Dina nailed it up there.

What was your name?

Samara Real is truly, I went, who does?

At Cruz Crazy Pull.

Yeah, that one.

Yeah. That's a good song.

What is the gender of Dr.

Pepper?

Uh, Dr. Pepper is a boy.

Huh?

Yeah.

'cause I just love guys and I just think like, yeah, it's not

that women can't be doctors, it's not like that at all.

Sure. No, no.

But I just love guys and hanging out with guys and when

I, um, when I crack a cold Dr. Pepper open and I just

feel like I'm with the boys.

Yeah, dude.

You know?

It's got sick ass.

Cheers for real dinosaurs on, but shout out to

women in many ways.

Why do you love women as well?

Orange Crush is women.

Orange Crush is, and you know what else is women?

What is that? Cherry Coke.

Uh, who's your dream eulogize at your funeral?

Oh, you know, you know who I want.

Huh? A Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Oh.

Wouldn't that be nice if he knew me and he, and he's had really

sweet stuff to say about me.

Yeah, but you would only want him.

In so far as he knew you and was able to speak to

your work and character?

Yeah, that it is just that he'd get like choked up and

he'd do that thing, you know, that thing that men do when

they're clearly wanting to cry, but they are embarrassed.

And so they go, they go like,

you know, where they just like, can't they just try

to like talk through it, but they're like, oh dang

it, like that kind of thing.

Or you threw a real small hole in your, like it'd be cool if

he did, like he was so busted up over my death that he was

doing stuff like that 'cause, but real not acted or you'd let

him or you'd lead one to act.

No, I feel that his acting was only a demonstration of

how, how interesting of a person he was in real life.

Yeah.

Um, at what point during the Kansas City Chiefs

Eagles Super Bowl?

Did your heart officially break and know that the game was lost?

Yeah.

I was home by halftime.

I left my friends, we were having a watch.

I was in Kansas City.

We were having a watch party.

I wanna tell you, before it even went to half, I had my

crockpot and I was loading it.

I was loading it into the trunk of my car.

No, the little the, the, the, the little smokies

with the grape jelly in the barbecue sauce.

You took that home?

I took, I grabbed, I truly, it was like, I don't know, we

were down by like a hundred thousand points or something,

and Jalen Hertz as being like the sexiest person alive.

He's so sexy.

Him and Saquon Barkley are being so hot on the sidelines.

Cooper de Jean pick six.

Oh my God.

They're like piling around over there.

I was in the kitchen just grabbing my shit angry,

just like grabbing my chips and I walked and my friends

were like, are you good?

Heading out?

I was like, yeah, put my stuff in the car.

Went home.

Didn't even watch the rest of the game.

I was so upset for two consecutive hours.

I was the only Eagles fan there.

Me and my wife.

Both independent Eagles fans.

Yeah, only Eagles fans there.

We were sitting there as everybody came up

to us and just went.

Congratulations.

Like we were a 6-year-old at our own birthday party.

We were hammered.

I made something called bird juice that was bright green

with Midori in it, and I. Thank you Mr. Thanks y'all.

And then, yeah, it was great.

Well, you guys are brave 'cause I don't, my, I

host watch parties for the Chiefs every week.

Uh, and I don't know, allow anyone who's not a Chiefs fan

to come, you have to cheer for the chiefs or you can't

come, uh, what's your biggest fear either being, you know,

like when you sit down on the toilet and you don't,

you forgot to look inside.

And then if a snake jumped up and bit you.

Yeah.

Well if you're ever sitting on the toilet and you

think of this, you could be really, really scared.

Yeah. And I often am.

And then, um, other than that, it's maybe that

I, people don't like me.

Um, this is really like a one biggest fear.

Yeah.

I'll go snake more.

You'd rather somebody dislike you, but you're asshole

not be bitten by a snake.

Yeah.

I'm going snake.

I get that.

Yeah.

What was the strongest bit from your SNL edition?

Uh, you know what, uh, the two best things ever happened

to me are that I didn't get that job twice, but I did.

That's the top two.

That was really good.

That was good. That's the top two.

I, I did though, the first time I really wanted it.

'cause the first time I auditioned for SNL was 2019.

Yeah.

And I didn't have any followers or team or

any career to speak of.

And I was like, oh, I wanna make comedy and people

actually see it, you know?

And, um.

I had this one bit called haunted mirror.

It was my closer at the time.

You know, you get a five minute character set and they, this is

why they flew me out to screen test, is that they saw this

bit live in Chicago and it was this woman who she was talking

to her daughters like fr uh, friends at their sleepover.

And she was like laying down the ground rules for the house.

And she was like, y'all just have fun and like,

you know, keep, keep the noise to a dull reward.

And then, uh, one last thing.

Don't go upstairs and look into my haunted mirror.

Okay.

And then.

She, she, you know, there's no one else there, but

I'd go, I'd go, oh, sorry.

What's that, honey?

Oh yeah, there's a mirror upstairs with a green

glow of its own emission.

Don't look into it.

All right.

Thank you.

Sugar.

What?

And then she kept answering questions about it, and

it was just all about this mirror she got.

And she's like, yeah, one day I brought it home.

The first time I looked into it, I woke up three hours later

with blood coming from my eyes and nose and she's telling

about this haunted mirror.

And it was, I don't remember most of it, but it was a,

I was very, very proud of it and I loved that bit.

And, um, I didn't get it.

I'm so glad they didn't find that funny.

'cause otherwise I don't know if you'd be here.

So that's, I think it's a real blessing.

Yeah, it was a blessing.

Shout.

Shout out to all my friends who worked there, but I know

it was a blessing for me.

Um, but yeah, I love that bit.

Finally, Caleb, are you happy?

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am happy.

I am quite happy.

I feel, um, I feel very happy.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm happy, you know?

'cause you have a day where you're like really stressed

out and you're like, do I like what I'm doing?

Am I happy?

Feelings are not characteristics.

They're things that happen to you all the time.

So, am I always happy?

No. Sometimes I'm pissed off.

Sometimes I'm sad.

But I think overall when we ask if someone's happy, we

mean, do you like your life?

Are you happy to be alive?

Yeah.

Would you like to continue doing it?

And the answer to all those questions for

me is absolutely yes.

Caleb, if you wanna deliver your last words to

that camera right there.

Okay. My very last words.

I hope everybody had a nice time.

That's the, I hope everybody had a nice time.

Wouldn't that be sweet?

That would be really sweet if they did.

I think those are really nice last words.

I think so too.

Yeah.

Everyone check out Caleb Herron, model comedian on

HBO Max nine 19, and then on nine 20 no more wars.

Tell him about the the famine ending.

No more war on nine 20.

By Halloween.

No more houselessness.

Um, by the new year?

No, there's Halloween famine.

Halloween Feminines.

And that's also on HBO Max in 2026.

Yeah, these are all specials I have coming out this year.

Yeah.

2026. No more unhoused.

Sure. That's Unless you wanna be No.

Unless you wanna be, yeah.

If you wanna be hungry or unhoused, you're welcome

to a hundred percent.

Yeah.

On HBO Max.

All on HBO.

Thank you HBO.

We really love you a hundred percent.

And I wanna thank Depression for being a proud

sponsor of this episode.

You've always come through.

You're the reason I drive a 9-year-old Nissan.

So thank you so much to depression.

Kaylee. Got anything else to plug?

No, I would just love to hang out with you again, brother.

With the driving range or wherever I would,

yeah, driving range.

Just me, you and my wife.

Just hitting in that driving range.

We all gotta eat and we're all gonna die.

But in the meantime, check out our last Meals t-shirt and hat.

Available now at mythical.com.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
eat /iːt/ A1	verb - to put food into the mouth, chew it, and swallow it
die /daɪ/ A2	verb - to stop living
college /ˈkɒlɪdʒ/ B1	noun - an institution of higher education
mom /mɒm/ A1	noun - mother
bisexual /ˌbaɪˈsɛkʃuəl/ B2	adjective - sexually attracted to both men and women
writing /ˈraɪtɪŋ/ A2	verb - producing text or marks on a surface noun - the activity of writing
hook /hʊk/ B2	verb - to attract or engage someone noun - a curved device for catching or holding
think /θɪŋk/ A1	verb - to have thoughts or ideas
life /laɪf/ A1	noun - the period from birth to death
depressed /dɪˈprɛst/ B1	adjective - feeling severe sadness
cry /kraɪ/ A2	verb - to produce tears from the eyes
teach /tiːtʃ/ A1	verb - to give instruction
barbecue /ˈbɑːrbɪkjuː/ B2	noun - a meal or gathering where food is cooked outdoors verb - to cook food on a barbecue
death /dɛθ/ B1	noun - the end of life
love /lʌv/ A1	verb - to feel deep affection noun - a strong feeling of affection
comedian /kəˈmiːdiən/ C1	noun - a person who entertains others by telling jokes
audience /ˈɔːdiəns/ B2	noun - the group of people who watch or listen to something
celebrate /ˈsɛlɪbreɪt/ A2	verb - to show happiness or honor
joke /dʒoʊk/ B1	noun - a funny story or trick verb - to say something in a playful way to make people laugh
community /kəˈmjuːnɪti/ B1	noun - a group of people living in the same place or having the same interests