– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

People change when they're ready,

not when you beg. People change when

their patterns hurt them,

not just you. People change when they're

humbled by reality,

not when they're pressured by others.

People change when it costs them

something,

not just you. People change for

themselves, not for your hope, not for

your timeline, not for your pain.

>> The number one health and wellness

podcast,

>> J Shetty.

>> J Shetty,

>> the one, the only J Shetty.

>> Hey, how's it going? Welcome back to

OnPurpose. It's J Shetty. I am so

grateful to each and every one of you

who've already subscribed. And if you

haven't, it would mean the world to me

if you click that button to make sure

you never miss out on an episode. We're

all here to become happier, healthier,

and more healed. If you're someone

that's on their spiritual journey, on

your personal growth journey, this is

the right place to be. This episode

today is about something that we all

struggle with. How many of you know

someone, you see their potential, and

when they don't live up to it, you feel

pain? How many of you really want to

change someone who's close to you? Could

be a parent, a family member, a partner.

And how many of you have been in

relationships or are in one right now

where you're constantly trying to get

the person you're with to upgrade and

uplevel, but it just doesn't seem to

happen. This episode is for you and is

all about what to do when people don't

change. I read a quote that changed my

life. It said people don't reveal

themsel through their words.

People reveal themselves

through their patterns.

Pay attention.

So many of us listen to what people say,

but we don't watch what they do. So many

of us look at how people look, but not

how they show up. So many of us get

carried away by how people treat others

but don't look at closely

at how they treat us. Observe patterns

and you will know the person.

Ignore patterns and you will forever be

in love with potential. People are

patterns. We all are. And yes, people

can change their patterns. But as you

know and I know patterns take a long

time to change. If you drive to work on

the same route every day, how long will

it take you to change it up? If you've

had the same breakfast cereal every

single morning for years, how long will

it take you to change it? Those are

physical things that may even be

changeable. But the patterns that are

hardwired in our mind, our subconscious,

and our thoughts require lifealtering

events often to set us on a new track

and that can sometimes be an extremely

painful process. The first point I want

to share with you today is the illusion

of potential is a projection of your own

wound. This is a harsh truth, but stay

with me. When you fall for someone's

potential, you're often falling for a

version of them that only exists in your

imagination

or worse, in your unfinished childhood

needs. Think of someone you're trying to

fix and ask yourself, "What unmet need

in me is trying to be met through them?"

Clarity starts there. We let people

treat us badly because we crave

connection. We let people talk to us

poorly because we'd rather not be alone.

We let people walk all over us

because we don't know how to stand for

ourself. But when we do those things, we

don't change them. We lose ourselves.

People change when they're ready,

not when you beg. People change when

their patterns hurt them,

not just you. People change when they're

humbled by reality,

not when they're pressured by others.

People change when it costs them

something,

not just you. People change for

themselves,

not for your hope, not for your

timeline, not for your pain. When you

realize

that you can see someone's pattern, the

question you have to ask yourself is, am

I willing to stay here if the pattern

remains the same? Am I willing to be

present if they say they want to change?

Often we say yes, but they're changing.

Have they said they want to change? Have

they showed you a plan? Have they

committed to change? You may see small

changes, but unless they've vocalized

this, unless they've verbalized it,

unless they've communicated it with you,

you're still living in imagination. Now,

I know what you're thinking, Jay, what

do I do when it's my family? What do I

do when it's my partner? The first thing

you have to look at is if it's abusive

or toxic or highly emotionally

manipulative,

you've got to take a look at that very

seriously. But if you're someone who is

listening and saying, "Jay, it's just

I'm not sure. or I really wish they

would do this. It would make a

difference. You have to ask yourself how

much you're willing to tolerate and be

patient. You have to ask yourself how

much you're losing yourself in the

process. Only you know that. Step number

two, believe what they do, not what they

say. If someone repeatedly disrespects

your time, disappears during hard

moments, or break boundaries, that's who

they are. So, if you're hoping for your

partner to become more empathetic or

less impulsive, the truth is they may

say those things, but what are you

seeing? What are they doing? What are

they acting? Because we're so emotional

and sentimental

when someone says the right thing, don't

you just light up inside? And you almost

think to yourself, I've just been

waiting for you to say that. I've just

been wishing for you to say that. I've

been wanting for you to say that. But

the reality is you're not waiting for

them to say that. You're waiting for

them to show that. That's what we have

to focus on. So track patterns. Hope is

not a strategy. Don't focus on promises.

Focus on patterns.

If someone repeatedly disrespects you,

that's who they are. At least for now.

If someone disappears when things get

hard, that's who they are. If someone

breaks your boundaries and calls it

love, that's who they are. If someone

lies to protect themselves,

not your trust, that's who they are. If

someone makes you question your worth,

that's who they are. If someone only

shows up when they need something,

that's who they are. If someone makes

you feel crazy for having standards,

that's who they are.

If someone constantly apologizes but

never changes,

that's who they are. If someone expects

grace but gives you none,

that's who they are.

They can change,

but only if they want to. A big part of

us justifies people's bad behavior.

Instead of looking at the patterns,

we say, "But they're great at this." But

they're wonderful in this way. That's

true. People are always two things. They

can be so many things. But we have to be

careful to not sacrifice ourselves for

too long. I know too many people who've

done this and 10 years later they say,

"I've lost myself. I don't know who I

am. I don't have an identity." We have

to measure how extremely

we're not accepting someone for who they

are. Step number three, this is going to

be a hard one to take in, but I have to

be honest with you. Stop mistaking your

control for love. Trying to change

people often feels like care, but it's

usually covert control. You're trying to

manage their chaos so you don't have to

face your fear of abandonment,

disappointment, or uncertainty.

Melody Bey in her foundational work on

codependency explains, "You can't force

someone to be who they're not. You can

only love them where they are or leave."

Next time you feel the urge to help

someone change, pause and ask, "Am I

doing this for them or to soothe my

discomfort with their behavior?" It's a

form of control. And again, it could be

unconscious. You could really care, but

underlying that is a care for yourself.

You don't want to have to experience the

emotions of letting them down. You don't

want to have to experience the emotion

of setting boundaries. You don't want to

have to experience the emotion of

someone not liking you. So, you'd rather

shapeshift, mold, and change them in the

process as well in order for both of you

to have a peaceful situation when it's

actually a situation where you don't

know each other. Let me give you an

example. When you're trying to change

someone, you're saying to them, "Hey, if

you were more organized, if you were

more focused, you could be more

successful." What you're trying to heal

is your personal issue with finances,

trying to heal your personal issue with

money, but you're trying to do it

through them. Now, I'm not saying you

don't need both people to earn. You may

be in a situation where you require both

people in your life to go and make

money, but the point is that person is

showing you who they are. They're

showing you where they're at. And they

might not be a good partner for you if

you're looking for mutual

responsibility.

So much of the time we get enamored by

someone's mind, someone's words,

someone's aura, someone's charisma,

someone's personality

that we forget what real life looks

like. Real life looks like looking at

your bank balance, looking at your

bills,

waking up next to someone and going to

sleep next to someone. Real life looks

like coming home when you're bored and

tired. And so are they. Real life looks

like talking when there's nothing

exciting to talk about. Real life looks

like planning when you're just waiting

for that vacation. Who do you want to be

in your life for the real things, not

just the imaginative ones? Step number

four is radical acceptance is not

resignation.

It's respect philosophy.

Dialectical behavior therapy, also known

as DBT, and Buddhism have this

understanding.

Radical acceptance, a DBT concept

created by Dr. Marsha Linhan, is about

fully accepting reality as it is, not as

we wish it were. To be honest, most of

our problems exist because of how we

want life to be and how life actually

is. The gap between those two is the

amount of pain you experience. If you

want life to feel like this, but it

actually looks like this, that gap is

the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety

you feel. So people just say, "Wait, do

I lower my expectations?"

No, we don't want expectations. We want

to experience reality so we can make

better choices. If I walk into a

restaurant and I experience the food, I

know whether I want to go back. But if I

go there with high expectations,

it may not meet mine. Or if I go there

with low expectations, I may be

impressed, but that impressed may not be

accurate because I may be impressed

because I had low expectations, so I'll

accept whatever I get. Right? When

you're hungry and you walk into a

restaurant, you go, "Oh my gosh, this

place is amazing." And then you go back

when you're kind of hungry and you're

like, "Oh, wait. It's not as good as I

remembered." Right? You've been there

before. We do that because it's not

about low or high expectations. It's

about experiencing something properly.

If you experience it, you can go,

"Actually, I didn't love this place. I'm

not coming back." Or, "I love this

place. It's amazing. I come back when

I'm tired. I come back when I'm hungry.

I come back when I'm on a date. I come

back when I'm with family." Right? You

figure out what it's actually for. It's

not about saying this is okay. It's

saying this is what is and I get to

choose how I respond.

You don't have to tolerate disrespect

just because you know their trauma. You

don't have to accept mistreatment

to prove you're loving. You don't have

to stay just because you see their

potential. You can forgive someone and

still walk away.

You can see the good in them and still

choose better for yourself.

You can understand someone's pain and

still protect your peace.

You don't have to make excuses for

behavior that's breaking you. Tolerance

doesn't mean you let someone walk all

over you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let

someone take advantage of you. Tolerance

doesn't mean you let someone disrespect

you. It means you understand this is

what it is and you tolerate until you

make your decision to stay or go to be

here and live through it or leave.

You tolerate while you're figuring it

out. Why do we stay? We stay because

we're scared of being alone

or we stay because we're hoping they'll

change. Both of those are

not great options. If we're staying just

because we don't want to be alone, we

set ourselves up for more pain. And if

we stay hoping they'll change,

we also create more pain. So what do you

do when you know someone can change?

When you want someone to change, first

you can definitely try to introduce them

to things that will help them change.

You may see their potential, but you

have to ask them if they see that

potential. I remember when I started

dating Radhi and even when we got

married, I could see who she could

become. And then I realized how selfish

that was, how it was a projection of my

own insecurities or imagination, and how

it wasn't selfless as it appeared. It

was selfish. If I really want what's

right for someone and if I love someone,

it's about asking them who they want to

be, where they want to be, and what they

want to be, that's love. That's

selflessness. But now, if it's behavior

where someone's not doing the chores,

someone's not taking responsibility,

someone's not taking accountability,

someone doesn't help out at home, they

may never change that. And it's up to

you to decide whether you're willing to

live in that space. And I get it,

leaving is hard, letting go is hard, and

we've done plenty of episodes on that.

But you have to realize that this is

what you're signing up for. It's almost

like a subscription plan, but you only

figure out the hidden language and the

small print afterwards, right? None of

us read the small print when we

subscribe to something. When we sign up

to something, you just put in your email

and you log in, you tick the box. You

never really think it through. We do the

same in relationships,

but then we experience the small print

afterwards and then we feel let down.

Read the small print.

reading between the lines. Take it for

what it is. Point number five, you're

not their mirror, you're their

environment. The Pyon effect versus the

environmental conditioning.

Yes, people rise to expectations,

but only if they want to. The Pyon

effect shows that people perform better

when high expectations are clearly

communicated. But this only works when

there's mutual investment.

You're not a sculptor, you're the soil.

You can be nourishing, but you cannot

will a plant to grow. If they don't want

the light, your sunshine will burn them.

So, you can offer support, but you can't

provide transformation.

You can't be someone's guru. You can't

be someone's guide. You can't be

someone's teacher unless they allow you

to be. And what I've seen is that people

change more by the people around them

than by someone telling them what to do.

If you're around a group of high

achievers, you'll feel like becoming a

high achiever. If you're around a group

of people who take care of their health,

you'll feel like taking care of your

health. If you're around a group of

people who gossip and talk negatively

about others, you gossip and talk

negatively about others. We are so

defined by the people that we're around.

If you really want to change yourself

and you really want to change someone

else, it's about changing who they're

around. It's not about telling them the

right thing to do. It's not about

sending them articles. It's not about

educating them. It's about taking them

to another space, allowing them to

experience that. That's where change

occurs. That's how change happens. And

the reality is sometimes the most loving

choice is often to let go.

Sometimes the deepest form of love is

saying,

"I see you clearly now and I release you

with compassion."

Research in the Journal of Positive

Psychology shows that people who

practice disengagement coping, letting

go of unchangeable people or situations,

report higher well-being and less

depression than those who continue

trying to fix. People are not yours to

fix. People are not yours to solve.

People are not yours to change.

Instead of disrespecting them, first

start with distance.

And if distance doesn't work, then

disconnect.

Often we stay close to people with

judgment, with criticism, with

complaining

only to make us far away from them.

Anyway,

Roomie once asked, "Do you know why

people shout when they're angry? Because

when you're angry and you're fighting

with someone, you're physically close to

them.

Roomie said we shout because our hearts

are far apart.

Even though we're physically close to

someone, we can be emotionally so far

that we're shouting to get the message

across.

But no one has ever changed because

someone shouted at them. No one has ever

changed because someone complained to

them.

People changed when they realized that

if they didn't,

their life would fall apart. What I want

to share with you in this episode truly

is recognizing and understanding

that relationships are difficult.

Relationships are challenging. And

sometimes our expectations of others and

what we want them to be or who we want

them to be are completely unrealistic.

And what ends up happening is that we

create more issues in trying to change

the other person than we would if we

just connected with them. This is why in

any relationship, whether it's

professional or personal or romantic,

you need to know what are your

priorities and what are your

preferences. Your priorities are things

you don't negotiate with and your

preferences are things that are nice to

have but may not always be there. We

have to realize that people also go

through seasons. You could marry someone

confident

but divorce someone broken.

You could date someone loving but break

up with someone who's hard-hearted.

You could love someone who's

compassionate,

believe someone who's judgmental.

People change in ways we don't want them

to more than they change in the ways we

want them to. The only decision under

our control is, do I want to be close?

Do I still want to be here?

Can I be patient and tolerant?

or am I losing myself?

Focus on what you can control, which is

how you feel, what you do, and whether

you stay or leave.

That's what you're in charge of. That's

what you have power over.

Focus on that. Thank you so much for

listening to today. I love recording

these episodes. I am so grateful to each

and every one of you that watches and

shares and comments. Please make sure

you pass this on to someone who could

really benefit from it. Share your

insights on Tik Tok and Instagram about

what you're learning. I love seeing the

posts. I love engaging with them. You'll

even see me share them on Instagram. And

I really, really, truly hope that this

is helping you heal and live a better,

more meaningful life. I'm committed to

that and I'm forever in your corner and

I'm always rooting for you. If you love

this episode, you will enjoy my

interview with Dr. Julie Smith on

unblocking negative emotions and how to

embrace difficult feelings.

>> You've just got to be motivated every

day. And if you're not, then what are

you doing? And and actually, humans

don't work that way. Motivation, you

have to treat it like any other emotion.

Some days it will be there.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
change /tʃeɪndʒ/ B1	verb - to make or become different noun - the act or process of becoming different
potential /pəˈtenʃəl/ B2	noun - having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.
reality /riˈæləti/ B1	noun - the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.
patterns /ˈpætərnz/ B1	noun - a typical characteristic or way of behaving.
hurt /hɜːrt/ A2	verb - cause emotional pain to.
pressure /ˈpreʃər/ B1	noun - continuous physical force exerted on or against an object by something in contact with it.
cost /kɒst/ A2	verb - to have a price
timeline /ˈtaɪmˌlaɪn/ B2	noun - a representation of a period of time in which events are placed in chronological order.
pain /peɪn/ A2	noun - physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
reveal /rɪˈviːl/ B1	verb - make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others.
observe /əbˈzɜːrv/ B1	verb - notice or perceive (something) and register it as being significant.
carried /ˈkærid/ A2	verb - hold and transport (something) by lifting it and moving it.
illusion /ɪˈljuːʒn/ B2	noun - a false idea or belief.
projection /prəˈdʒekʃn/ B2	noun - the process of causing something to appear as if it were somewhere else.
wound /wuːnd/ B1	noun - an injury, typically a cut, contusion, or fracture, to the body.
tolerance /ˈtɒlərəns/ B2	noun - the ability or willingness to accept something that one dislikes or thinks is wrong.
justify /ˈdʒʌstɪfaɪ/ B2	verb - show or prove to be right or reasonable.

Key Grammar Structures

• People change when they're ready, not when you beg.

  ➔ Present Simple for General Truths

  ➔ The sentence uses the present simple ('change', 'beg') to express a general truth or principle, not a specific action.

• If you drive to work on the same route every day, how long will it take you to change it up?

  ➔ Second Conditional

  ➔ The sentence uses the second conditional ('If you drive... will it take') to discuss a hypothetical situation and its possible outcome.

• You can forgive someone and still walk away.

  ➔ Modal Verb 'Can' for Ability

  ➔ The sentence uses the modal verb 'can' to express ability or possibility, indicating that forgiveness and walking away are both possible actions.

• We have to realize that people also go through seasons.

  ➔ Present Simple for Permanent Situations

  ➔ The sentence uses the present simple ('have to realize', 'go through') to describe a permanent or ongoing situation, emphasizing the continuous nature of people's experiences.

• The only decision under our control is, do I want to be close?

  ➔ Question Tag

  ➔ The sentence uses a question tag ('do I want to be close?') to seek confirmation or to make the statement more conversational.

• People reveal themselves through their patterns.

  ➔ Reflexive Pronoun

  ➔ The sentence uses the reflexive pronoun 'themselves' to indicate that the action of revealing is performed by the subject on itself.

• You can offer support, but you cannot will a plant to grow.

  ➔ Modal Verb 'Can' vs. 'Cannot'

  ➔ The sentence contrasts the use of 'can' (ability) with 'cannot' (inability), emphasizing the limits of one's influence.

• Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying, 'I see you clearly now and I release you with compassion.'

  ➔ Quotation Marks for Direct Speech

  ➔ The sentence uses quotation marks to enclose direct speech, making the statement more personal and impactful.