– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Honey, I'm....

Barney, what the hell is going on here?

Lily, I can explain...

How could you? In our own home?

You bastard!

I'm so sorry. I didn't know he had...

Just get out.

This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years

to put you through medical school?

I got breast implants for you, I...

was just about to turn on the tears.

Brava.

Yeah, 'cause nothing says "casual" like inviting a hundred people

over just to mack on one girl.

Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.

You waited five minutes to tell me that?

All right, so call her up.

Let's face it, the gang is over.

Ted's gone, Robin's gone.

We might as well just go our separate ways.

God, Barney, enough with the abandonment issues.

Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group. We all are.

Wait a minute.

Why are you saying that all of a sudden?

Oh, God, you're pregnant!

No!

Oh, God, you already had the baby!

It's right behind me, isn't it?

Allow us to demonstrate.

Lily?

Hey, guys, I just found a great new sushi restaurant.

It's called Katsu...

...yoku. Katsuyoku.

My idea. I'm Ted.

Nailed it.

Totally.

That's terrible.

Well, see you.

Well, can I stay here maybe?

Oh, I'd let you, but I don't have any room.

What? You live in a two-bedroom apartment.

You have one room just for your suits.

Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family.

Got to moisturize!

Got to keep that pretty face moist.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

What's wrong with her?

She hates that word.

What word, "Moist"?

No! Seriously stop!

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

That was the first forty minutes of Barney's show.

Moist.

You are in the heart of bachelor country.

And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here.

Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa,

but that only lasts twelve hours.

Fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry.

Ew...

is something some lame, judgmental chick would say,

but I say give me multiple high fives.

Wow, you really are desperate.

I really am.

Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me.

You wanna hang?

Nah.

Whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time

undressing me with your eyes.

You even take off my shoes.

High heels chafe my shoulders.

But you don't have to worry about that anymore.

Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big, fat manatee.

Well, you're a big, stupid, octopus face!

Barney planned on being a violinist.

Lily!

Don't tell me things.

Now, Lil, you can do this.

All you have to do is look that guy in the eye,

say your name is Marissa Heller,

and we are golden.

And again, just so we're clear,

no accent.

Are we sure she's not British, innit?

No!

Look, I know this is messy.

My dream versus Marshall's dream.

I won't force you guys to choose sides.

Good, because I totally side with Marshall.

That would have been so awkward.

You're getting on board with Barney's idea?

Man, you really have snapped.

It's nine weeks till the wedding.

At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.

Well...

No, Barney.

And then we endured about twenty minutes of this.

I have to go refill.

I'll be back in a moment.

Play's not over!

I never get picked for audience participation.

Okay, you can stay here for two days.

But I only have one rule.

You can't change anything.

Why would I change anything?

This place is...

perfect.

Mmm.

Smells delicious.

Thank you.

There was no food in the fridge, so I picked...

What are you doing?

Lily, what was the first rule again?

Don't change anything.

And what was the second rule?

There was no second rule.

Exactly!

There was only one rule, and you broke it!

Oh, I should go.

Lily, can I talk to you for a second?

So, um, I made an appointment with that cardiologist.

Aw, and you want me to go with you

'cause you're a little scared?

No.

Do you want me to go with you because you're a lot scared?

Yes!

Okay, fine.

If there's one thing you never do,

it's call a woman fat right to her face!

I'm sorry, Lily.

Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?

You're a jerk.

I will give you one hundred dollars to fist bump me.

Two hundred dollars.

Just put it down, Barney.

Your arm must be killing you by now.

Ten thousand dollars.

Oh, hell no!

Ow!

Claudia is getting married tomorrow.

and, so help me God, if I catch you

even so much as breathing the same air as her,

I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles

and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out,

and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.

Wait. My eyes or my testicles?

One of each.

All right! All right.

Barney, that's like the third one in a row that you've screwed up.

Well, I'm trying, but it's...

Look, you fold twice in the middle, fold back and forth,

pull the ends out, flip over, open the flaps, fold the edges,

crease the front, fold in half, fold the wings down,

push in the bottom corners, and fold the wings back out.

Or would you like one of my kindergartners to show you?

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, I think I've got it.

No.

Forget it, the paper's too expensive.

You're out.

Oh, nerts.

There's nothing to be...

alarmed about.

Go on, doctor.

Are those tears?

They're awesome, manly pain tears.

They're not emotional.

Okay, they're a little bit emotional.

So, from the bottom of my heart,

for whatever I did to you,

I apologize.

Oh, Barney.

Aw, I'm so proud of you.

That's not her.

I'm so sorry.

What? What?

I think what Barney's saying, is that definitions are important.

You're their teacher, not their friend.

Exactly.

If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.

Amen.

You have to make things clear.

Run, tell that!

Define the relationship.

Yes! No!

Lily, private convo time.

So, uh, what scotches you got?

Oh, here at the center, we have a very strict no alcohol policy.

Hey, hey, wait.

Come on. I was ki... Wait, wait, wait.

There is another addendum to the mermaid theory.

A pregnant woman who's become a manatee

can become a mermaid again through one simple act.

What's that?

Breast-feeding. Hot.

Really?

Really.

When those things swell up to three times their normal size,

so do I.

That's so sweet.

See, kids? Told you I'd get it.

Robin just needs to see this new side of you.

So, just call her up.

Just call her up.

She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.

You left a voice but it wasn't male.

Suits are full of joy.

They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.

Sartorial?

Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade.

Suits are for the living.

So many questions.

Firstly, what do you think would happen if a guy walked

into that store wearing a suit of boots?

Well, Barney, your heart sounds fine.

See, Lily? She was worried.

Although, it seems like you might have a slight Arrhythmia.

Ow! Nails, nails!

Lily, can't you just let us be happy?

You're not happy.

You just think you're happy because you feel happy.

And that's not happy?

Of course not.

Guys, seriously.

Why are you in our bed?

I took the drunk train and got stuck out here.

Oh, God, I am so hungover.

Oh, God, Lily's not wearing a bra!

I'd like to see you accept someone else's challenge.

Challenge accept-

Wait, what's the challenge?

Interesting. An opportunity rife with possibilities.

We need to find something with just the right amount of poetic...

Get a girl's number while talking like a dolphin.

That works.

Go for Barney.

Hey, Barney. Listen, I have something to tell you.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

I've been waiting for this one.

You talked to Robin.

She told you what's under the hood,

and you want to take it for a spin yourself.

Not even if you boiled it in detergent.

Gotta go. Bye.

Ha, ha, ha.

That was just a practical joke.

I'm not really in love with Robin.

You should've seen the look on your face.

There's cameras right there, and there, and there.

What a legendary prank that we're never gonna speak of again.

You son of a bitch.

She's gone, and so is the playbook.

I think we all know who is responsible for this.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah. Al-Qaeda.

No, you idiot.

It was me.

You son of a bitch.

Do you think...

Okay, I already know. I don't want to hear this.

Do you think that if we did it,

Yeah, I was right. I don't want to hear this.

and I did a really good job,

Please leave.

that... I could turn that into my baby?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Morning sickness?

No.

Next challenge.

Oh, this is an all night thing?

Okay. Um...

Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.

I'd be glad to.

Just hope she's not too hefty.

And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.

I'm not done.

You also can't use the letter E.

Yes, you're here.

This is fantastic!

Baby, simmer. Your husband's right here.

At least attempt to hide it.

The characters, yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the...

Universe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Barney, what are you doing here?"

I can't believe it's really you.

Come in, have a seat.

Do you want some tea?

I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space.

Let me show you some of my paintings.

I think it's some of my best work ever."

Just stop it.

As long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons,

no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits,

no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.

I noticed you left out flimflams.

No more flimflams!

Damn it!

But who would woo, Lily?

Who would woo?

Would you?

Would you...

woo?

Lily, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.

Ah. Here to give him something.

Gotcha. Nice.

Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.

Can I just give it to you?

Sure. Okay.

And then you'll give it to him?

Hey, oh, hey, I don't know about all that.

I mean, yours would have to be really good.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You think we had anything to do with that?

Yeah, I think we did.

Nice job, Barney.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Oh, that was killing my arm.

My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen years old

and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

Up top!

Oh no.

Okay, Barney.

You wanna make this real?

Let's make this real.

Terms.

If you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off,

I will let you touch one boob.

Both boobs.

Just one.

Touch and squeeze.

Just touch.

Touch and motorboat.

Just touch.

Honka honka?

Barney.

Just touch.

Just touch.

For one hour.

For one second.

Twenty minutes. Both boobs.

Thirty seconds. One boob.

Four minutes. Both boobs. Three squeezes.

One minute. Both boobs. One squeeze.

Deal.

I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.

You and me.

Don't make me laugh, Lily.

You wanna hit this so hard.

Seriously. She's playing footsies with me as I speak...

Ow! No!

But,

if you can't do everything, and I mean everything,

then you have to wear Marshall's ducky tie for one year.

Oooh!

Deal.

You're better than porn.

Thank you.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
stripper /ˈstrɪpər/ B1	noun - a person who removes their clothes for entertainment
implants /ˈɪmpleɪnts/ B2	noun - artificial objects inserted into the body
mack /mæk/ B2	verb - to flirt or make romantic advances
pregnant /ˈpreɡnənt/ A2	adjective - carrying a developing embryo or fetus
manatee /ˈmænəti/ C1	noun - a large aquatic mammal
moist /mɔɪst/ A2	adjective - slightly wet
bamboozle /bæmˈbuːzəl/ C1	verb - to deceive or confuse
sartorial /sɑrˈtɔriəl/ C2	adjective - relating to tailoring or clothes
arrhythmia /əˈrɪðmiə/ C1	noun - irregular heartbeat
platonic /pləˈtɒnɪk/ B2	adjective - relating to a deep, non-romantic friendship
violinist /ˌvaɪəˈlɪnɪst/ B1	noun - a person who plays the violin
cardiologist /ˌkɑrdiˈɒlədʒɪst/ C1	noun - a doctor specializing in heart diseases
hoodwink /ˈhʊdwɪŋk/ C1	verb - to deceive or trick someone
stratagem /ˈstrætədʒəm/ C1	noun - a clever plan or trick to achieve something
flimflam /ˈflɪmflæm/ C2	noun - nonsense or deception