– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

her your little tip. -Thank you, Amy. It's hard  to imagine not hearing that voice every day for  

the next four years. -Thank you! -Hi, Mrs…  Ms.… Max's mom. This is Caroline Channing,  

your daughter Max's best friend and roommate and  business partner. I didn't want to leave this on  

a voice mail, but I cannot believe you didn't  show up to your own daughter's graduation when  

you are the sole reason she didn't graduate in the  first place! I mean, who takes their daughter to  

the mall on finals day? What kind of mother are  you? And all the times I've defended you to Max,  

not to make it about me, but it was a lot. Saying,  "She's not that bad. She's not that bad." Well,  

I guess you are that bad! Max is right,  you are a monster! If you're on your way,  

we're in the second row. I have blonde hair.  -Christina Bayers. -Whoo, that's my granddaughter!  

-Salazar Belmonte. -That's my boy!  -Max Black. Max Black. -Whoo-whoo!  

That's my downstairs neighbor! Whoo-whoo! -So  what, you called them all? -Yeah, you know,  

just in case. -This pastry school would be a  huge financial commitment, David. Why don't  

you just go down to Union Square and light  a bag of money on fire? -Mr. Chase, I agree,  

it's a huge undertaking. And if you'd like, we can  discuss a business plan. I did graduate top of my  

class from Wharton. -Wharton. In Philadelphia. The  city of brotherly love. And let me tell you, it  

certainly is. -Our son, Hunter, went to Wharton.  He's about your age. I'll text and tell him we've  

met you. What is your last name, Caroline? -Um…  Channing. -Caroline Channing? Your father isn't  

Martin Channing, the one in prison for the Ponzi  Scheme? -Amazing fish! II love this tilapia. It's  

almost a chicken-y fish. -Deke, you never told us  about this. -What, that the fish was chicken-y?  

You know that's why I don't come home anymore.  Why would I tell you? She didn't steal the money,  

he did. -Deke does have a point. It wasn't  Caroline, and her father is serving time. -Ah,  

speaking of serving, there are like nine forks  here. Where do I go next? -It's easy for you to  

say, Deke. You didn't lose money. Amy and  I had to move from the penthouse to the  

fourth floor! -The fourth floor, Deke! That's  three above the doorman. Only five bedrooms,  

and I can hear the "whoosh-whoosh" of the damn  elevator all night long! -Oh. Shh, shh. -Genet,  

I cannot believe you would invite a Channing  into your home. -Sir, if you say another bad  

word about her, I'm gonna "whoosh-whoosh" you off  that chair. -Max, these are our friends. -Yeah,  

well she is my friend, and she's had it pretty  rough. And I'm not gonna sit here and let them  

insult her. Oh, you only have five bedrooms?  Well, she sleeps in the wall! You rich people  

are all the same. -Max, take it down. You're gonna  "whoosh"(wish) you did later. -No Deke. I mean,  

look at this table. Seven forks and ten  knives, for what? You know what we have  

at our apartment? Five chopsticks and a spork  from Kentucky Fried Chicken, and we do fine.  

We don't need to sit here and gravel--Grovel.  -Whatever. For your money or their approval. All  

I can say is, you rich people are Lucky those  cops took my BB gun. Let's go, Caroline. -No,  

this is my fault. I'll go. -No, you know what?  We'll all go. -Deacon, sit down. You are not  

leaving the table with them. -I go where she  goes. Except not in the bathroom, because we  

doping or deserting? I can help you either  way. -We're thinking about dessert. -Cool,  

how about a Max's Homemade Cupcake? -I don't  think so. How's that cherry pie? -Nice. The  

family of mice that lives in it just renewed  their lease. So, a Max's Homemade Cupcake?  

-You keep saying "Max's Homemade Cupcakes"  like it's a thing. I've never heard of it.  

-I haven't either. And we know a lot. -And  yet you put that headband on this morning.  

-So who's Max? -Yeah, who's Max? -Who's Max?  She's Lance Armstrong's left nut. What? -Nothing.  

-Caroline, you know I'm not one to gossip, but  just about 30 seconds ago, I saw Max drop some  

major attitude and blow a chance with a possible  cupcake customer. -That's your gossip? That Max  

has an attitude? What are you gonna tell me  next, that Elton John is gay? -Anyways, I'm  

just saying about Max, bitch needs to take it down  a notch. -Bitch needs to mind his own business.  

-Let me check with Paul Platt, the party planner.  He's on the phone with him right now. -Hey, Brody.  

-Oh, no. -There's a problem with the list. She's  not on it. Her. Caroline channing. -Shh! -Paul,  

I've got Caroline channing, and she's not on the  list. -If everybody in this line could just wait  

until we get the Caroline channing situation under  control. -If you say "channing" one more time,  

I'm going to actually pull your voice box out.  -And its s so much more violent than it sounds.  

-Yes, Paul, I'll tell them. There's been a  little mix-up. Five more minutes will get you  

right in. You're not getting in. -Well, that's  it. We tried. We gave it our best shot. -Oh,  

no. This is the closest I have ever gotten  to anything in my life almost working out.  

We are not giving up. -How are we getting in?  Security's everywhere. -Yeah, out here, but  

not at the servers'entrance. I catered this last  year. That's right, we're going backdoor. -Ooh!  

spoke French! -Only enough to impress Americans!  [-Je dois utiliser les toilettes.] -Oh my God.  

Les toilettes. Les toilettes, that's where we are.  She's coming in here! What should we do? -Pretend  

we're hot plumbers? -Hide in the shower. -I think  she might notice us. -You know that's all glass,  

right? Let me just get you a clean hand towel!  She has to pee-pee. -She can't come in here to  

use the toilet,'cause my life is in it. -I know,  this is unfortunate. So go out the window. -What?  

-It's not a problem. There's a ledge wide enough  for you to walk to the neighbor's terrace, jump,  

and get away. Stephanie did it. -Who's Stephanie?  -That's not important. She's fine. -Now go! You  

have to go. Unless you think you and I still  have a shot. -I'll be on the ledge. Come on,  

Max. -No way, not happening, Lucy! -If he loses  his bad marriage, I'm responsible. -Almost. Almost  

responsible! -It's completely doable. By the  way, it's raining. Come on, we can do this! We've  

crawled 15 feet on our roof to get illegal cable.  -Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale! Something  

worth dying for! -Oh my God! Are you insane?  Get back in here! -Max, maybe you're right we  

should've taken the hot plumber route! I'm coming  back! My legs won't go Max, help me back! -Damn  

it! Damn it, bitch! [-Je ne vois pas le problème.  Je dois utiliser les toilettes, c'est tout!]  

-She's in the bathroom. Oh, she closed the  window. And she locked it! So go! Go, go! If  

Stephanie did it, we can too! I can't believe  we're up here all because of him. I am such a  

bad judge of character! Of course you are, I'm  your best friend! -Max, I'm sorry. This is bad.  

-Well, at least it can't get any worse, unless we  fall. -Or it starts to hail! -Ow! Ow! Hurts like  

"hail!" It's clear, come on! I don't wanna die!  -Me neither! That's weird. For the first time in  

my life, I don't want to die! I have a boyfriend  and my first "B." Oh God, I'm getting soft! -I  

can't die! I haven't made my comeback yet! In  my fantasy, you and I move into that penthouse  

I bought from Jennifer Lawrence. Right over there,  with the roof garden, see? -Are you two all right?  

enough to hold me up with one arm? -It's the arm I  used to drag my mother out of bars with as a baby.  

-Well, I want to say something to you. I hope you  know that if you were the one that slipped on that  

ledge--I would be dead. -Well, I'm glad that's out  in the open. -Relax. It's probably not even a rat,  

it's probably a mouse. Not a big deal. -Oh, my  God! Oh, my God, I see it! There it is! -The  

mouse? -That is not a mouse! That is a car that  a mouse drives! -Where did you see it? It was in  

the middle, right? -Why are you whispering? -I  don't want him to hear me. -How do you know it's  

a he? -He looked at me kind of rapey. There!  He just ran behind the thing! -What thing?  

-That thing! -This thing? Waah! -What? Did you  see it? -I don't think so. -Oh, you'd know so.  

It has a saddle! -Oh, my God. He just opened  the door with the strength of his whiskers!  

-He's gone. He went into the kitchen. Oh,  what should we do? Should we call the cops?  

-He doesn't have a gun. Let's just get out  of here. We'll call an exterminator in the  

morning. -Too late, he's coming back!  He's charging us! -He's gonna bite me!  

-You can stop now! You painted him to death.  

I just got a glimpse of you at a  Barneys sample sale. -What a mess!  

-They followed us! We walked into a trap? It's  a vendetta! -I can't believe this! Our intern's  

out having cocktails and I'm trapped on top  of rat mountain! He's coming after me! -Oh,  

my God! -Max! Help! -No, you bastards! Get off  her! Get off! -My foot's caught under this thing!  

-Max, that was amazing. You just lifted that  giant thing up with one hand. -I know. And now  

I'm gonna fire that bitch! -So? you know what?  We're just gonna go. You can tell that guy at  

the door he can just step aside so we can, you  know, start running. -Caroline, you are free to  

go at any time. -So we can go right now? -No.  Caroline, why don't you sit here, and Rachel,  

bring Max over by the gong. -Now, I know some of  you have not yet laid with me tonight. But it's  

come to my attention that we have an N.N. in  our midst. [-What? -Who?] -Quick Q on the N.N.  

Do either of those Ns stand for nachos? -N.N.  stands for Negative Nelly. Negative Nancy was  

already trademarked by another group run by  my ex-husband, Nancy. Caroline, do you have  

any idea who this N.N. could be? -I believe it's  "whom" and no, I don't. -Caroline, are you where  

you want to be in life? -Oh God, no! -And would  you say there's someone holding you back? -Well,  

I do feel like hearing about Amy Schumer every  day makes me feel a little "less than." -Caroline,  

is there someone in this room who you brought,  with brown hair, whose Negative Nelly-ness is  

blocking you in ways you don't even realize? -Wait  a minute. I'm starting to think this is about me!  

-Just having spent a few short hours with Max  and recording all your conversations. It's pretty  

clear that she is undermining your path to success  with her wisecracks and wordplay. -Look. Max might  

seem negative, because she is. But you would  be, too, if you were her. She's been neglected,  

rejected, knocked down, and spat on. -Some of that  was consensual. -See? That was positive. -So you  

will give up all these potential connections just  for her? -Caroline, I used to live in Jersey City,  

and now I live in a better part of New Jersey.  -Elaine, I thought I needed to make new friends,  

and that's how I wound up here, but turns out all  I needed was Max. I'll take my chances with her.  

-Huge mistake. Huge. -Well, then you're free to  go. Just need to settle up your bill. This weekend  

is only free for friends. Rachel. -Peach, there  is a problem with the cupcakes. - There can't be.  

Constance will kill me, literally. Her last two  best friends went missing. That is not attractive  

at all. Is that what food looks like? -Why are  there no cupcakes out? If you two work for me,  

I deport you. -There is a bit of cupcake  situation. The buttercream sort of broke  

down on the way up. -It's not a problem, we can  fix it. I'll just run to a delly get what we need  

my friend really wanted it, and, well, your  friend has it. -What are you sayin', bitch? -Okay,  

I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.  -Do you want to feel my foot, bitch? -Well,  

I guess we know what your favorite word is. -Ow!  Those are not extensions, bitch! -I should break  

this up, I should break this up. -No, no, no,  give her like four seconds to learn her lesson.  

bitch!" -Are you still laughing, cause it wasn't  funny. -It was so funny. It was like looney tunes  

funny. It was like Bugs Bunny getting shot in the  face funny. Only in your version, Bugs Bunny tries  

to have a dialogue with the shotgun. -I was trying  to get your t-shirt back. I wanted you to have it,  

because you lit up at the Will when you saw it.  -I do not light up, okay? There's no light inside  

me. -That is the most pretentious thing I've ever  seen. -Hi, welcome to Harlow and Daughters. I'm  

the host, Brian-Brian. -No, that is. -Yes, hi,  Brian-Brian. We have a reservation. Faison, party  

of two. -Is your whole party here? -Well, I don't  know how whole I could ever hope to be, as I'm  

illegitimate. -Yes, we're both here. Thank you.  -So both you and Mr. Faison are here? -Yes, I'm  

transitioning. Ask around. -You can have a drink,  and I'll call you when your table is ready. -Thank  

you, thank you, Brian-Brian. -I'll be right over.  Go use your new boobs to get us a seat at the bar.  

Hi, I know what "wait by the bar" means. I've  been working in restaurants since your clothes  

were in style. -It means I'll seat you when  your--Brian-Brian, Bri-Bri, B.B., come on. You  

and I both know there's no guy coming. My friend  got stood up, so please don't make things worse.  

Just take out your cool, little hunting knife  and cut us some slack. This is where I'd tip  

you with cash or offer you sex, but I'm kinda  broke and you're kinda gay, so just be nice.  

-We don't really need to bring my  sexuality into it. -I understand,  

it's hard to be out 100 years ago. -Oh,  funny. Right this way, Mr. Faison. -Wow,  

that was quick. They're so nice here! [-It's  just like that but underwater!] -Guys! Sorry,  

we're just closing, guys. -I'll take  them, Max. We need the… -Sit anywhere.  

What was that roadrunner move you just  pulled? There's still a smoke outline of  

your body Hanging in the air out there. Did  Wile E. Coyote just come in the diner? -No,  

-Why is every inbred rich guy named  William? -I don't want to see him.  

Max, close the door. I don't want him to come  in here. -Yeah, cause that happens all the  

time. Customers come in the front door and make  a beeline through the kitchen to see if there's a  

waitress hiding in the walk-in freezer. Okay, what  is the deal? Tell me fast. I'm nipping like crazy  

in here. Oh, you're smuggling some gumdrops there,  too, ice queen. -His name is William Van Horn,  

and he's… -I am leaving for sex. Last chance  for threesome, foursome, possibly fivesome,  

if her sister's train gets in on time.  -Oleg, please. I don't have time to be  

harassed right now. -Oh, okay. I'll see you and  the gumdrops tomorrow. -Story, go. -We met at  

our parents'companies'parent company picnic.  His family is the Boston Van Horns- Story,  

stop. Cut to the end. Do we hate him? -He dumped  me when I lost all my money. Never called me,  

not an email, nothing. -Oh, we hate him. Wait.  Which one's your ex the Asian one, the black  

one? I'm kidding. No, seriously. The white  one or the really, really white one? -Really,  

really white. -Service, service, service… -You  heard your bro. Service him. -Oh, crushed! -Hey,  

you better be careful, cause I can give you a run  for your money. -I don't have any money. -Well,  

with a body like that, you don't need any. -Oh!  Ba-bam! -Did you actually think that was a good  

line, or is that what you do so the check gets  paid by Richie Rich? -Hold on. Who said I was  

rich? -Let me see your Hands. -What, looking  to see if I have poor-people calluses? -No,  

I wanted to see how big your penis is.  With Hands that size, you better be rich.  

-Oh! Shazam! Not cool, bro. -What's your name? -Michelle Obama. We're closed. -I'm William. Give  

me your number. -Why? So you can put it in your  phone and never call or text or email? -Seriously.  

-You wouldn't know what to do with a good girl  if you had one. -But you're not a good girl.  

That's why I want your number. So how about it?  -We're closed. -Your sign says "open till 2:00."  

-My, my. How time does fly! 2:00 o'clock,  gentlemen, nighty night. -What did I ever do to  

you? -You didn't mention me, did you? No, I just  gave him--Just get to the end. Do you hate him? -I  

hate him! -Johnny's in the diner! Why is he here?  It can't be to eat. He's "made it." He eats "made  

it food" now. -Well obviously, he's here to see  you. Or else he won the award for biggest lying  

jerk in New York, and this is the first stop on  his press tour. -Well, I don't know why he's here,  

but you better come with me. He looks really  good, so I'm not listening to a thing coming  

out of his pretty mouth. -Well, I was gonna ask  what the specials were, but you know what? Can I  

actually just get one of Max's homemade cupcakes?  -Okay, which flavor? -Surprise me. -Kind of like  

how you surprised her with your girlfriend?  -Okay, I'm starting to get a vibe here,  

and that's why I came in, because I feel bad the  way things went down between us, and I came to  

say good-bye because I'm moving. -Oh, moving. To  where? -Manhattan. -Manhattan? That hardly calls  

for a good-bye speech. It's over there. -Yeah I  know, but it's a big change for me, and we're not  

going to be Rolling in the same circles anymore,  and I'm getting married… Over there. -Well,  

at least you and your girlfriend worked it out.  -Actually, we broke up. This is someone I met a  

couple months ago. -I was only watching his lips,  but did they just say what I think they said?  

Well, there's your cupcake. That'll be $5. The  price has gone up. Yeah, we're successful now.  

In fact, we may be working with Martha Stewart.  Caroline knows her from, you know, before. We're  

gonna talk it over with her at the met gala ball  that Caroline got invited to. Martha's on the  

committee. Caroline goes every year. Not a big  deal. My first time. Not a big deal either. In  

fact, none of it's a big deal, just two girls who  are making it but who choose to stay in Brooklyn  

cause we're cool. -That's awesome, Max. That's  awesome. It's just funny, because whenever I  

think of you, I think of you in this diner in that  uniform. In a good way. You want money now? -Yeah.  

It's business. It's not like we had a relationship  or anything. In fact, you can pay Caroline. She's  

the money. I'm the artist. -You know, I'm doing  pretty well as an artist myself. I've been selling  

a lot of my stuff. -Really? We hadn't heard. And  there's your cupcake. In case you didn't notice,  

that container's to go. Got it. -He's gone, I  got rid of him. -During the 1830s, German and  

Austrian capitalists established their businesses  here in historic Williamsburg Brooklyn. -And,  

in honor of those German and Austrian founding  fathers, here we have our Williamsburg beer-batter  

cupcake. Oof-yah, beer batter! It's good! -Wow,  you're pushing harder than I was after I ate that  

whole brick of cheese. -Soon, docks, shipyards,  refineries, mills, and other booming businesses  

opened along the growing waterfront. -Businesses  just like Max's Homemade Cupcakes! See, made in  

Williamsburg. Only 12.95, 100% cotton. -And I'm  guessing cotton oof-ya, ees good! -Actually,  

I was referencing booming Williamsburg businesses.  This is one of those small Williamsburg businesses  

that won't be here much longer. Follow me. Oh,  sir no, a free dessert comes with your end-of-tour  

meal at the Ye Olde Williamsburg Watering Hole  Restaurant. Don't waste your Euros. -How dare  

he tell those people our business won't be here.  I haven't been this speechless since the first  

time I saw your toe nails. Hi, we need to talk to  you. I'm Caroline from Max's Homemade Cupcakes.  

-Oh yeah, right. I didn't recognize you without  the worst German accent I ever heard. -And you  

are? -Dannon. -Like the yogurt? -It's a family  name. -Listen, Yoplait. I personally don't give  

a crap what you think, but you bad-mouthing our  business is upsetting my girl here. You got that,  

Activia? -Look, girls, I'm not just talking about  your business. All the businesses on that block  

are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX  theatre. -Unbelievable. -What? -Hey. How you guys  

doing? Cute strokes tee. Probably look better on  me, considering it's mine! -You snooze, you lose,  

puta. -Nice language! You kiss your obviously  closeted boyfriend with that mouth? You know what?  

I wouldn't even want it now. Now that it's been  on you, might as well have been a Kenny G shirt!  

And now I walk. -You can't just let her win. Oh  forget it, it's over. -Borscht! Pick up, pick up.  

-Hi, I'll be right with you. Oh! -Idiota! Esta  camiseta me costo cuatro dolares! Te voy a  

cortar! -Lo siento. Todo es mi culpa. I'm still a  little clumsy, it's my first week. I'll bring you  

some soda water. But seriously, your boyfriend  will come out before that borscht stain does.  

-That was awesome. -Yeah. I kinda just do stuff.  Like I just did, while you were standing there  

watching me. -Thanks, girlfriend. Oh. -What, is  she coming for me? -Run. -Who? -Caroline Channing.  

Caroline Channing? Antonia was my nanny. My family  was rich, but then my father robbed everyone, and  

we became the scourge of society, overshadowed a  little bit by Mel Gibson hating the Jews that same  

Week! Surely, you remember? -Honey, I don't even  remember how I got here. -I can't believe this. I  

constructed my entire happy childhood on the fact  that even though my mom left and apparently didn't  

love me, Antonia did. And now I get here and I  realize no one loved me, I was just a paycheck!  

One of the many kids she baby-sat. I don't even  know why I bothered to come. I'm gonna go to the  

restroom and then we can just leave. -Excuse me.  Hi. Max, Ricky's girl. I know this is a hard time  

for you, but it's a hard time for my friend as  well. And even though you never heard of her,  

I was wondering if you could just go over  there, and say you just remembered her,  

and that Antonia talked about her all the time? I  know it's a 180 on your original story and a lie,  

and I'd offer to pay you for your trouble, but my  401k is laying in that box on top of your sister.  

-Look, I only permitted you two to stay cause  your Ricky was so nice to Uncle Joe when he  

fell off the roof last year. But now, you gotta  go. -Okay. Be that way. But don't expect Ricky  

to pick up Uncle Joe for dialysis. -Max, what are  you doing? -The family asked me to put it up. They  

just remembered you. -Oh my God. I'm so pathetic,  you have to put up my picture to make me feel  

better? -In a way, yes. It belongs up there. Who  wouldn't want to know that kid? Nice to meet you,  

Antonia. Please don't haunt us. Now, let's hit the  road and get some freaking cheese steaks! -Max,  

please take that down. It's so embarrassing.  Nobody here knows anything about me. -They didn't  

know me either, chicken. -Hey, who you callin'  chicken? -Me. That was Antonia’s nickname for  

me. You know who I am? -Of course I do. Antonia's  little chick, her peep. -I'm going to take some  

of the money we made last night and get coffee.  And yes, I am walking down the street like this,  

because after last night, I am impenetrable to  shame. -Wait, we don't have any money. -Yes,  

we do. -No, we don't. We did, but we don't.  I bought something with it. I bought this.  

-You carried that home? Where was I? -Three blocks  ahead of me, telling strangers about your pattern.  

I saw you and Johnny just hanging there, and I  knew what I had to do. -So what, am I supposed  

to hang that up? -No. You're supposed to  destroy it. You need to get over him, so  

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
graduation /ˌɡrædʒuˈeɪʃən/ B1	noun - the ceremony at which students receive a diploma or degree
defend /dɪˈfɛnd/ A2	verb - to support or protect someone or something
monster /ˈmɑːnstər/ A2	noun - a large, ugly, and frightening imaginary creature
financial /fɪˈnænʃəl/ B1	adjective - relating to money or finances
undertaking /ˌʌndərˈteɪkɪŋ/ B2	noun - a task or project that is difficult or complicated
discuss /dɪˈskʌs/ A2	verb - to talk about something in detail
business /ˈbɪznəs/ A1	noun - a company or organization that provides goods or services
plan /plæn/ A1	noun - a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something verb - to make preparations for an event or activity
insult /ˈɪnsʌlt/ B1	verb - to speak to or treat with disrespect or scornful abuse
rough /rʌf/ A2	adjective - having an uneven or irregular surface
lucky /ˈlʌki/ A1	adjective - having good fortune or success
dessert /dɪˈzɜːrt/ A1	noun - a sweet course eaten at the end of a meal
customer /ˈkʌstəmər/ A1	noun - a person who buys goods or services from a shop or business
attitude /ˈætɪtjuːd/ B1	noun - a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something
gossip /ˈɡɒsɪp/ A2	noun - casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people verb - to talk about someone else's private life
negative /ˈnɛɡətɪv/ B1	adjective - expressing or meaning 'no' or the opposite of something
success /səkˈsɛs/ A2	noun - the accomplishment of an aim or purpose
connection /kəˈnɛkʃən/ B1	noun - a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else
cupcake /ˈkʌpkeɪk/ A1	noun - a small cake, often sweet and iced, baked in a cup-shaped container
situation /ˌsɪtʃuˈeɪʃən/ B1	noun - the set of circumstances in which one finds oneself

Key Grammar Structures

• It's hard to imagine not hearing that voice every day for the next four years.

  ➔ Gerund in a negative context

  ➔ Using the gerund form "hearing" after a preposition and negation with "not" in a structure showing difficulty in imagining an absence.

• Who takes their daughter to the mall on finals day?

  ➔ Rhetorical question with present simple for general truth

  ➔ The sentence uses the present simple "takes" in a rhetorical question to express disbelief or criticize a general behavior, implying it's unthinkable.

• Well, I guess you are that bad!

  ➔ Intensifying adverb "well" with concession and present simple

  ➔ "Well" signals a shift in viewpoint or concession, followed by the present simple "are" to assert a negative quality emphatically.

• You know what we have at our apartment?

  ➔ Tag question with declarative sentence

  ➔ The phrase addresses the listener directly, using "you know" as a tag to seek agreement before stating a contrast, followed by a question expecting confirmation.

• Where do I go next?

  ➔ Present simple in a question seeking advice

  ➔ "Where do I go next?" uses present simple "do" for a direct, immediate question, fitting an ongoing situation like a dinner or dilemma, without past or future inflection.

• If you were the one that slipped on that ledge--I would be dead.

  ➔ Second conditional for hypothetical situation

  ➔ The structure "If you were... I would be" represents a hypothetical past event, using subjunctive "were" and modal "would" to discuss an unreal scenario.

• He doesn't have a gun.

  ➔ Present simple with negation for habitual or general truth

  ➔ "He doesn't have" uses present simple for a general statement about possession, negating capability or state, applicable here to a rat or threat.

• We'll call an exterminator in the morning.

  ➔ Future simple with "will" for plan

  ➔ "We'll call" uses "will" to express a future intention or decision made in the present, planning a deferred action for the next day.

• You would be, too, if you were her.

  ➔ Second conditional inverted for concession

  ➔ The structure "You would be, too" inverts the conditional clause, implying "If you were her, you would be too," using "were" subjunctively for a hypothetical equality in negativity.

• It was so funny.

  ➔ Past simple for narrative past event

  ➔ "It was" uses past simple to recount a completed action or state in the past, describing a reaction to something just mentioned, as a completed event.