– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

no no I pressed seven but the man on

seven said I had to press three and

you're three

no no well the point is you have sent me

a bill I can't possibly

pay I can't pay it because it is for the

sum

of0 0 Pence so uh I am just notifying

you what do you mean I've got to pay

it I've got to pay you the sum

of0 or else the computer won't

understand okay fine I'll do it but can

I suggest that you employ a computer

that isn't on the autism spectrum no

that's all thank

you so how we doing team

ow oh God it's static it's this cardigan

I feel like a ball of electricity it's

like being one of the Xmen knitwear

woman so how was school still

there

ow cheerier than yesterday yeah she

should have settled in by

now I thought once the first ter was

over should be okay but big school takes

a lot of getting used to took me months

to start making friends I remember one

day the other kids grabbed my scarf and

threw it on the railway

line and then my

shoes and my

trousers and my

Underpants and there was another time at

the sports ground is just going to be

the anecdote about the time you got

lashed to the roof of the Mini Bus

possibly okay the big thing she's

struggling with is is not being the star

turn I mean academically these kids are

much stronger

I don't know maybe we've got the wrong

school maybe we should have sent her to

S mongos maybe I've heard horror stories

that's mongos well Frank Pringle says

that his son has already been offered

drugs

twice once by an re teacher do you think

we've made the right choice well we

never know for

certain besides is it the school that's

the problem or is it her she's not

exactly H

up why does he always slam the door like

that every time can you not slam the

door did I slam it yes the windows are

still rattling you're a bit late had an

audition for the lower school show it's

a musical I bet it's Oliver yeah be

Oliver schools always do Oliver no

sparus musical about Spartacus yeah I

didn't know there was a musical about

Sparticus there isn't yet Mr Farwell was

writing it Mr faring well the new music

teacher the one that let Ben borrow the

school drum kit over CHR Christmas oh

yes I remember anyway it's going to be

awesome there's songs Gladiator fights

and we have a SE

battle and you're auditioning for a

singing part yeah that involves singing

yeah well good for you that's really

great that you're having a crack at

something outside your comfort zone but

just you know just remember that an

audition can be

you know there's always a chance that

you might be disappointed won't bother

me if I don't get aart Mr far says I

don't get aart I can do the lights the

lights when electricity yeah really like

Mr faring he has some really big

Ideas it is last school he put on a

musical about s rushy

right and how did that go fine he had to

have a policeman outside his house for a

few months but listen to this the Romans

were so frightened as part of and his

Rebels that they decided to evacuate

Rome well that's the Italian Army for

you racist

joke how was that a racist joke no maybe

you're right maybe it's was just racist

I'm not this again I'm just saying you

purely assuming that all Italians are

cowards is racist I'm not saying all

Italians are cowards I'm going you're

going to pick a fight with Paulo Deano

you think he wouldn't have to pick a

fight with Paulo Deano he would pick a

fight with you so I'm not a racist I'm

not criticizing you I'm just saying it's

unfortunate that you have to be burdened

with that mindset he's got a point Deb

you can't help it you know that story

you tell about Mr Patel at the news

agent you can't tell that story without

doing this weird wobbling with your head

he wobbles his head so why is that funny

why' you laugh at it why is you imp it's

funny it just is funny okay fine well

why didn't you ever you do what I would

consider racist things what about your

video games they're racist how are they

racist you have a towel head count all

right boys let's

ow why is it maybe it's you you hey

maybe it's not the cardigan maybe it's

you maybe your body is you know

especially

static

staticky yeah Pete Brockman man of

science hey Dad look at Beckham's latest

tattoo god what does he look like he

looks good used to be only Sailors got

tattooed and now every morning on the

tube I'm surrounded by human billboards

with

snakes peeping out of their

sleeves in 40 years time we will be the

most unattractive Nation on the planet

everyone will be covered in very

wrinkly saggy reptiles I reckon anyone

who gets a tattoo needs a brain CL blant

you've got a tattoo hav you what you got

a tattoo yeah where in cam town on your

body oh right um it's just behind my

right shoulder for God's sake come on

then show us the damage what were you

thinking of

honestly okay first question what the

hell is it looks like a spider it's the

ancient Persian word for peace what

possessed you it was an Impulse we were

in clamon Market you're in Camden Market

and you suddenly decide to get a tattoo

what are you a German tourist look how

much did it cost actually it was really

cheap explains the green edges what the

edges are green oh right yeah he said to

start with there might be some

discoloration right a cheap tattoo

parlor smart move Jake oh I'm sorry but

all the Harley Street tattooists were

booked up hey neat spider it's not a

spider it's ancient Persian a sucker I

made a fashion Choice hat is a fashion

Choice carving into your body Mom I'm 17

I'm old enough to decide to die for my

country I can choose to get a tattoo

you're not very likely to die for your

country although you are quite likely D

from sep semia it's just a tattoo it's

not

genocide

you concentrate on the littlest one

because you think she's the one with the

problems and then the one that's

virtually an adult goes and does

something

stupid do you think Ben will be all

right if he doesn't get a part in that

show he's more sensitive than he lets on

and everybody forgets he's only 13

because he's so bloody huge oh you'll be

fine well if it involves singing don't

have to be able to sing to be in the

musical Russell Crow proved that but

Ben's got a voice like a warus again

Russell Crow for L

miserable

listen you've got to stop worrying about

everyone okay I'm

okay yeah she's okay you okay uh I'm a

bit worried about

something all right okay well well come

on let's um let's chat about it

sweetheart it's been worrying me for

weeks whatever the problem is I'm

certain we can sort it out it's about

Tommy Tommy the hamster yeah I'm worried

that he's stuck under the floorboards

look I I think we're going to have to be

realistic about this darling he

disappeared down that hole 2 months ago

and even if he is trapped by now there

was that factory that collaps in

Bangladesh and they found that woman

weeks after it collap on her still alive

so we can't give up on dmy I really

don't think there's anything we can do

you said whatever the problem was you

were certain that you could sort it out

yeah but that was [ __ ]

hey no

no what I meant was any problem of a non

hamster related nature look we did

everything we could possibly do at the

time didn't we we made a thorough search

of the house we put all those pictures

pictures of him up on the lamp posts you

called Chris packam on Autumn watch and

at his

home I really don't think there's

anything constructively that we can

do well we could take up the floorboards

what it taking up the floorboards might

be a little bit expensive how much would

it cost about 2,000 hamsters

worth look I'll tell you what your dad

and I will have a think about it and

we'll see what we can come up with

okay

okay what did you say that for well

she's had such a difficult time lately I

didn't want to upset her anymore so what

do you suggest cuz now she's not going

to be happy until that hamster is the

focus of an International Rescue effort

and live reports from all the Garing

it's not about the

hamster isn't it no it's her anxiety

about school coming out sideways we

don't have to do anything we just have

to be

sympathetic it's all that stuff you said

that was

[ __ ] oh okay fair

enough I need to pick a piece of my

audition could I try some out on you um

I was thinking that I'm going to go with

the Whitney Houston song I Will Always

Love You right

that's that that's quite

high is it yeah there are quite a

few top notes I'm sure you can hit Ben

yeah I'll be uh in the shed if anyone

wants me stay and listen if you want I

know no I've got a tin here your mom

she's the Musical one I'll catch you

later could you just could you just buy

me that card again there's a bit of a

draft in

here oh dear you must be

staticky what are you doing it's qu past

midnight what do you make of this I sent

an email to Karen's form tutor telling

her that Karen didn't want to sit next

to this girl Dion Because she finds her

disruptive and the form tutor's email

back saying that she takes my point but

she

is running out of classmates who Karen

is prepared to sit next to that's fair

comment isn't it I just got me thinking

that's all maybe Karen isn't the only

one who's having problem settling maybe

it's a more General problem and then I

thought there's a quick way to find out

which is ask the other parents so I'm

sending them all an email in God's name

no what you cannot send an email at

12:15

why not because you will start one of

those late night email firestorms that'

be ridiculous you should never ever send

an email asking someone's opinion after

11:00 at night well actually I've

already sent it that's insane all I've

done is ask for the input of 30 or so

adults many of whom will have half a

bottle of mow inside them would be just

eing to pour out their gripes rubbish

this is exactly the kind of group

consultation the email is perfect for

they are I've already got a reply I

think that's an interesting thing this

one piece will make 52 layers watch on

mobile devices or the big screen all for

free no subscription

required that's a lot of capital letters

isn't it well she's obviously a cons con

ered mother who's who's a bit

upset uh about the fact that the school

has failed to make the connection

between her

child's Pyromania and and and the fact

that that she is exceptionally gifted

right that was another one

whoa look at the exclamation marks on

that well again he's a concerned father

who's a bit concerned about the quality

of the teaching stuff

the first time I've seen the word wank

is spell with a

zed you got another five replies no six

you have hit a grievance gusher

yeah you're not replying are you well

you can't not reply to a reply that's

rude you've already poked The Hornet's

Nest you don't want to carry on whacking

it in a way this respon is is quite

reassuring because Karen is obviously

not the only one with parents who are

concerned I'm not concerned I'm going to

bed

13

14

15

16 thing is a king of toasters I'll tell

you a way to make friends at New School

Ken do something mental I don't do

mental my second day I got this huge

tray and I sledged down the roof of the

music block after that I had tons of

friends and the surgical colum yeah got

want to sign it why don't you join a

band Karen that's a good way to make

friends or you could like be the funny

girl you could like create all the jokes

and stuff and you could make like a song

up about your teacher and then put it on

the internet but remember wear a mask or

something cuz well I didn't and you need

to hide your identity how's the shoulder

Spider Boy fine you're good how about

you Karen how you raring It Go got

double English today you like English

don't you dad I did some

research there are these things called

thermal imaging cameras we could hire

one Karen Tommy's gone he's not going to

survive for 2 months on his own why not

well because he's a hamster not Bear

Grills yeah all right all right hamsters

a domestic pet you don't see David aser

documentaries about hamsters roaming the

open plane okay that's Tom's natural

environment is a wheel you're just

grumpy because your spider's going green

it's not spider oh jeez look at the time

come on Karen Chop Chop cuz you're going

to miss your BS and no fluorescent socks

better check the travel news see the

district l wound in sick again why

didn't you send Karen to the same school

as me and

Jake well every child is different yeah

no two kids are the same she just said

that yeah and I was I was reinforcing it

I mean it was a tight decision yes uh we

felt that um on on balance um uh the

school Karen's at is known for having

lots of structure structure that's right

and uh the school is a school with a

more Scholastic approach so in the end

we felt uh Karen would perhaps benefits

from being

challenged academically

speaking are you saying she's brighter

than us no not at all in the reverse no

cuz actually what we actually are saying

is that every child has different needs

and one chooses a school which is best

hated to that child's

needs better

shift I think they bought

[Music]

it B nah the slam wasn't deafening

enough what are you doing psychology say

well watching TV listening to music and

Facebooking mhm and multitasking there's

no such thing as multitasking just doing

lots of things badly the correct term is

multia Warrior returns feed me once Pete

this is is

me hello Mr

Brockman hi is me uh

t uh that's encouraging she's invited a

friend I invited her yeah I I overheard

her mom struggling with some pickups on

the phone so I volunteered to have has

me for a bit you know for a bit of

bonding so girls how was school

today anything exciting

happened you're very quiet Karen she got

four l in English well that doesn't

sound so bad no it is well uh then Karen

it's it's a very good position to

improve from and then she argued with

the teacher about her bad Mark and

because she kept arguing we missed most

of our break well she's a horrible

teacher she's obsessed with apostrophes

apostrophes are important no they're not

everyone gets them wrong and they slow

you down when you're texting you need

punctuation if you didn't have

punctuation the words would just crash

into each other you need colons you need

semicolons why colons very important if

you didn't have a colon you wouldn't be

able to put a smiley face at the end of

your text messages ni Punctuation is

stupid it's just trying let's not get

get Sid trck shall we the thing is Karen

you go to a school where there are a lot

of bright kids and it's important that

you don't measure yourself against

anyone else you must always just measure

yourself against yourself how can you

measure something against itself it

would just be the same size what was the

exact Mark 49% well that's Midway it's

slightly lower than that actually yes

thank you esy you're clearly very good

at maths I am quite good they ask me to

Mentor Karen cuz she's struggling a

bit who wants some ice cream ice cream

yes please is me oh no she can't have

any because she's lactose intolerant

isn't that a shame okay oh no not that

either it's got nuts and so her face

will go

like and then they'll have to stab her

with an epip

pen I'm home what has that door ever

done to you what uh Ben es me so how did

the audition go with the uh singing

brilliant good right so so you got a

part yeah right which one I'm Spartacus

no I'm Spartacus I'm Spartacus I'm want

to hear that joke a lot aren't I that's

brilliant Ben so so is that

um is that a big part I'm Spartacus in a

musical called Spartacus no of course

sorry no but it's it's so that's the

lead yeah and um um does the lead sing

songs does the lead sing songs in a

musical yeah I I know I what I

meant does the lead sing many songs yeah

it looks

right but M faring says he didn't cast

me because of my voice he cast me for my

sense of attack what the way you attack

the songs no the way I attack the other

Gladiators my Trident we having ice

cream yeah apart from as me she's

lactose intolerant well scoot me in how

was you doing at school Karen she got a

written warning for non-regulation socks

yeah well and a poor Mark in English

well the midterm marks don't really

count for much they do we have Contin

should I drive you home es me um I'm not

sure my mom's home yet that's all right

we can wait in the

car Me Goodbye Mr

Brockman there you go madame's ice cream

what flavor is it your favorite lemon

and badger

I wish asy hadn't gone I wanted to eat

this in front of her really slowly yeah

I

know you know being a star student it's

not to be all and end all

Churchill Winston Churchill not the

insurance dog he never came top at

school in fact most of the time he came

bottom but that didn't stop him leading

Britain to victory in the war well maybe

if he'd studied harder the war wouldn't

have taken him so long to

win oh Fair

Point you haven't been firing off more

emails to parents have you no I was just

acknowledging an email from the school

about the inset day all right non-

intervention that's always the best

policy look at Tony Blair thought he

could solve The World's problems no

everyone hates him mind you I hated him

from the start too many teeth

so what was esm's mom like well sort of

as you'd expect really she thinks es

isn't being stretched enough I'd like to

stretch her on a

rack made of

peanuts when I was at school we had a

kid like her got sent to Colchester

centry no I stuck him in a crate and

sent him to

coester it's a bit of a worry though

isn't it it Karen being less popular

than a girl like esm I feel so helpless

don't you it's because of our

programming hey we that generation of

parents have been conditioned to think

that everything should revolve around

our kids when I was a kid my dad and my

uncle took me to watch football then

afterwards they went to the pub and left

me in the car outside every hour or so

they brought me a bottle of

tier they locked me in the car obviously

they weren't irresponsible but what

would have happened if the car caught

fire I thought that

of course yeah and that was better was

it abandoning children in death traps

I'm just saying that in those days your

parents just left you alone yeah I

suppose we do get too involved in their

lives my parents didn't even help me

with my homework they load do it for me

oh have you sent the alarm yeah 7:15 oh

no I need to get up at 7:00 no it's all

right cuz I've started setting this

clock 15 minutes fast why because then

when I get up it's a nice surprise when

I realize I've got more time than I

thought I

had

right no explains why I've been getting

to work so

ear is this SP is the movie I'm doing

research he just ambushed the Romans

with flaming

logs I'm going to mention that to Mr

Farwell as a possible finale see that

chin Kirk Douglas we have proper film

stars back then proper men none of your

pasty faed pretty boys are all

cheekbones and can only play vampires

you left out a bit about how Tigers

weren't built by computers well I still

say that life of P would have been a lot

more exciting if we've been trapped in

that boat with a real

tiger certainly a lot

shorter they've only sent me a reminder

for 0 and0 P it's

unbelievable

Dad yeah um I was considering the option

of maybe having the tattoo removed oh

right yeah so I mean any idea how much a

tattoo removal might cost no no because

I've never been doing enough to get

myself tattooed and the answer to your

next question is no you're going to have

to pay for it out of your own money

what's all this that's some quotes from

a company who hire out thermal imaging

cameras she's not so banging on about

that Hamer is she yeah she's pretty

thick for someone who's too bright to go

to our

school all right they didn't bite so

where is the girl tunneling under the

floor boards um no she's up in a room

she's she's had a few problems today

what were these

problems well do you remember when I

acknowledged the school email about the

insect day y well I sort of um I sort of

added a little addendum uh just to say

that if Karen was to be punished for

this sock thing then I felt the School

dress code should be enforced

consistently cuz I've seen lots of girls

wearing black trainers right well it

seems that the school took it on board

because apparently today a lot of the

kids were punished for not wearing the

proper school uniform how is this

Karen's

problem

well it's like this um so I sent the

secretary the email but accidentally by

mistake oh no I also sent it please no

to the parents of Karen's classmates oh

for it's so easily done but the really

unfortunate bit is that one of the

parents rather irresponsibly in my

view obviously mentioned it to one of

the kids and uh Karen has been on the

receiving end of quite a lot of verbal

abuse today I I we talked about this

haven't we we've talked about the

dangers of the urge to intervene I know

this this is Tony Blair you are Tony

Blair I'm not Tony Blair yes you are you

went charging in according to the wiki

Spartacus is from thracia so I'm going

to work on singing in a thran accent

just as soon as I find out where graer

is intervention invariably I clicked on

the wrong thing everybody's done it it

was late I was multitasking there is no

such thing as multi choose your next

words very carefully because they could

be your

last it'll blow over in the

end I'll go up and talk to her you put

in a good word for me won't you of

course ow wait that's

it I heard you had a bit of a bad day

I'm not going to school tomorrow oh come

on I'm not

going mom didn't mean to cause you

problems it's just that sometimes things

turn out badly even if they're done with

good intentions like um well do you

remember when Ben decided to surprise

Mom on Mother's Day with a lovely cooked

breakfast

you probably don't remember you very

little remember being carried by a

fireman well that is a classic example

you see Ben thought that he was doing

something very kind and thoughtful but

it ended up with everyone getting very

cross mom was cross with Ben the fireman

got cross with Mom I got cross with the

man for the insurance company who tried

to argue that Ben qualified as an act of

God but it all began with good

intentions well try telling that to the

morons at my school did you call them

morons yes did that make them back off

no no generally telling people they're

morons doesn't really help especially if

they're morons cuz morons are

notoriously slow to catch on but how am

I going to get them out of my face I've

got to do something listen the best

thing to do is just ignore them

sometimes a bad day will come along but

when it does what we have to do is we

have to dust ourselves down we have to

get up and we have to face the

world okay

okay everything will be fine we'll

see can I tell them that it's all mom's

fault for being an interfering

idiot okay but this conversation never

happened okay everyone dinner in

five that smells nice is it hor probably

how was Jake's driving lesson I really

think that we should pay a proper

instructor to teach him why because they

are professionally trained to hide the

terror oh come on hey boys now I need

you to clear away your homework stuff

doesn't seem to notice things no

important things solid things because

he's a teenager they dreamy mentally

he's just not there at one point I

yelled pedestrian and he thought it was

a criticism so jammy you get to do

psychology what do I get to do Oxbow

legs what the hell is an Oxbow leg

anyway can I mine in front of the

football no we are all sitting down

together for once psychology is so

interesting yeah it is interesting until

you have to study it and it becomes

annoying like everything else yeah but

it's a study of the Mind once you

understand the mind you can bend it to

your will like Darren Brown he can make

people think they're being attacked by

zombies a very useful life skill Ben I

need this clear and and careerwise

psycholog is practical I will never do

anything that makes me work with an

oxbow lake but I might be a psychiatrist

psychologist what's the difference uh a

psychiatrist studies diseases of the

Mind whereas a

psychologist writes crappy self-help

books

Karen could you lay the table please so

your dad was just filling me in about

your driving lesson how how do you think

it went I need lessons from a paid

instructor yeah see someone who knows

what they're doing well I know what I'm

doing well it's very distracting sitting

next to someone who's constantly

slamming their foot into the floor yeah

but that's a reflex a survival

Instinct the same as throwing your hands

in front of your face which is also very

distracting and he's too vague he says

bare left when there's loads of lefts

there was one available left well I

think I proved that was untrue didn't I

but that left was a canal you said turn

left so I turned left and I stopped in

plenty all right I tell you what why

don't I take you out tomorrow look I

just I don't think a good idea to be

taught by family member it'll be fine

Karen T oh you haven't forgotten that

you're taking her to a super me match

tomorrow have you no I haven't forgotten

I've tried to you know I think this is

perfect timing her getting on the school

team it will give her a chance to settle

in with the other kids it will boost her

self-confidence isn't it her

self-confidence that's cheesing off the

other

kids well yeah but I think a lot of that

a mask to hide her

insecurities a mask yeah that she's been

wearing for 11

years

yeah I've got a bad feeling about this

when you swam for the primary school it

was always little tournaments and she

always won but this one is against that

big new Academy the one who's kids

aren't allowed into Shops look it

doesn't matter how she does the key here

is that she's finally engaged in a

school activity what if she doesn't win

well it'll be good for her I'm not

thinking of her I'm thinking of us yeah

think what kind of wheat we'll have oh

God do you remember black March and she

lost that game of Risk can I eat

watching Game of Thrones no we're all

going to eat together like a prop Now

where's Jake gone Jake need the toilet

Ben I said lay the table

Karen what what are you doing I just

going to print something off what is it

first 50 pages of my novel which one the

one I'm working on currently the one

about the samurai who can time travel oh

right that one cuz Phil at work his wife

is an editor for a publisher so do you

think you could do this later on because

the printer is playing m games and I

need to get everybody sat down where's

Ben Ben back in a sec Karen Jake it's

it's it's like hurting cats Karen are

you ignoring me or are you wearing your

headphones I'm ignoring you she's in a

foul mood she picked up a detention

today for commenting on the deputy

head's mustache all right so the deputy

head is ultra sensitive about his

mustache her

mustache all right I don't know why

Karen does this stuff I do it's because

of you two hey no you need to challenge

her behavior confront her

more I'm being serious I know that's

what's so funny you need to control her

she needs boundaries what I think you're

being a bit hard on us isn't he of

course he is we brought you up we didn't

do a bad job there did we yeah but then

you just seem to lose the hang of it you

cut her way too much slack she treats

this place like a hotel oh well that's

just rubbish mom I have dinner in my

room that is an untypical coincidence

that is just Karen you will come down

here and have your dinner with everybody

else like a proper

person there what are these it's part of

my costume for Sparticus it's a father

says I can take him home cuz I need to

try and get used to them he says I have

to try and get myself into the mindset

of a rebel slave who's taking on the

might of Imperial Rome this is a musical

isn't it Ben I won't say it again no

Gladiator Nets at the dinner table

you're so strict there see hallelujah

we're all here all assembled at last we

where you going I need a shower we're

all about to eat put plate over I'll

marrow it later no you'll eat it now or

it's going down the toilet all right all

right a family should always eat

together yep the bers always it

together no your mom's right we should

eat together salt and pepper

Ben Karen what was that weird thing you

were doing in the bathroom earlier oh

yeah that was my victory dance for

tomorrow at swimming victory dance yeah

I um make a k so I spread my arms out

like

yeah k for K irritating doesn't like a k

like a deformed you K have to be like

your arms to be long sit down and eat no

okay okay enough everybody let's just

eat so I was reading this piece

yesterday about how families never eat

together anymore because family life has

become so fragmented and

antio really how interesting soon did

you know that Spartacus hid from the

Romans in the volcano of vvus hiding in

an active volcano well that's either

extremely clever or fantastically stupid

just imagine what it'd be like to be in

Pompei when vuia is exploded imagine

being mummified in in an embarrassing

position cuz you would have thought that

at least one person would be on the

toilet well if the volcano exploding I

imagine most of the town would be on the

toilet did you know what the loudest

bang ever recorded was you shut the

front door I imagine cracker TOA well

this really makes a pleasant change

doesn't it us all sitting down together

having a lovely sociable meal from Karen

what okay no no no no you said where are

you

going yeah sorry the signal

rubbish BPP tea

everybody M this is delicious mother

oh it's my absolute pleasure to cook for

you perhaps you'd like us to cook your

meal tomorrow really yes that would be

lovely very lovely and maybe somebody

could do the washing up

[Music]

afterward

[Music]

okay let's call it a draw shall we the

ey more tired than you

competition oh shut up

do you think Jake's right do you think

we have lost the plot as parents is it

that self-righteous phase when I was his

age I was absolutely convinced that my

parents were totally wrong about

everything one you there were really I

mean all the normal parenting techniques

have never worked on

Karen not the blackmail nor

bribery the

threats she worked out it was all just a

bluff at the age of

three she gave us a contract at five

time I remember the thing that worries

me is the way she is with other kids I

keep waiting for the penny to drop you

know if you want to make friends you

have to be

friendly maybe Jake's right maybe we

need to tackle her more head

on tackle her more head on yeah try and

control her try and control her you stop

doing that

please and we're not that bad as parents

are we if the three of them make it to

adulthood and none of them are in prison

our work is done I mean we're not bad

bad Jake's exaggerating isn't

he we're more sort of middling rather

than

bad Jake's wrong about bad isn't

he

Pete and we have a competition

winner what the hell are you talking

about computer cannot communicate with

printer it's there it's it's less than a

foot away did you get a chance to print

off my novel no this printer's playing

up why don't you email it to Phil to get

him to print it out no his printer's

playing up maybe all the printers are

ganging up on us maybe it's a robot

conspiracy to tip us all over into

madness just that Phil's wife said that

the budget deadline for new commission I

will print out your time traveling

Samurai okay it's just at the moment I'm

trying to get this registration form

done for the course the firm is sending

me on which is tomorrow so I think

that's slightly more pressing mind you

if Phil gets a novel to his wife and she

likes it and it gets published and it

does well we could all be millionaire is

oh yeah I was

forgetting oh bloody hell look at the

time Karen you going to miss your P dad

come check this out it's a thing that

psychologists use it's called the ink

block test is that the one where they

work out someone's in the most Feelings

by spilling ink all over the table what

you spill ink all over the table oh yeah

I was wondering about that um anyway

what you have to do is you have to see

if you can find any shapes I'm busy go

on just what can you see I see Mom H

that's interesting because Freud thought

that every man wanted to kill their

father and sleep with their mother yeah

well frud never met my mother this is so

you can see your mom in this I said mom

your mom my wife I can see her face

she's screaming she's screaming what PR

spell ink all over the

table hey Karen if you want to win the

race what you got to do is visualization

you know when you visually see yourself

winning the race visually well I'll just

wait until this afternoon and then I

will see myself win this race well yes

but today isn't all about the winning is

it it's about the taking part isn't it

it's about being part of a

team team player on a team I was looking

up loads of that psychology stuff last

night some of it's brilliant have you

heard about that bloke R

Lang is he the one who thought that

people's mental health could be improved

if they smeared their feces all over the

wall yeah I'm going to find out more

about

him that is one of the most frightening

things I've ever heard it's called

camaraderie everyone pulling together

there's no ey in Team all for one and

one let's just

[Applause]

go Dad can you look after my stuff only

I didn't trust the other girls some of

them have got an agenda especially that

one ever since I I tweeted about her

tweeted about her yeah she gets offended

very easily very sensitive most of the

girls in my class are listen Karen

you're going to keep finding yourself in

confrontations until you learn not to be

so confrontational you're 11 now You'

got to learn a bit of self-control well

I can't help being up front it's who I

am I've got to be me this isn't Made in

Chelsea this is the real world you can't

just go around telling everyone what you

think of them you in your real world R

my Coos oh by the way if you win this

heat I really wouldn't do your K dance

it's my signature move yeah but it will

just antagonize your fellow competitors

it will really get up their noses and it

will affect their performance exactly I

know what I'm doing

Dad now you must Brave New dangers if

you are to reach the Citadel all oh

cybercraft I hate them why can't you

just print

print

it print it why are you any chance of a

bit more noise take that up to your room

then don't have internet connection up

there no

vampire yes he's been playing that for

over an hour now oh in the name of God

just just PR he should be doing his

school workor oh so you're on Ben Patrol

now I'm just saying that's all over an

hour Ben can you stop playing with that

now and start doing your homework fair

enough a child has just done what I

asked oh more

psychology you see I told Mr Jacobs I

wanted to take psychology in the six

form and he said that it's a bullshitter

subject because the only reason people

opt into doing it is because they think

the exams are going to be really

easy uh well he wears a bow tie so he's

not qualified to talk about anything can

you crack your

knuckles no okay let's try

help and help is no help because the

computer has gone offline only Ibrahim

says that girls really like boys who can

make their Knuckles crack yeah that is a

well-known aphrodisiac the sound of

grinding

bones why are you getting angry I'm

angry because I've just started a new

job and they're not going to take me

very seriously if I can't even print out

a simple register rtion document maybe

you think that's why you're getting

angry he flud reckons that when you get

angry with something you're really

getting angry with something else

something subconscious so you're getting

angry with the printer because it

represents dad or Jake or why can't you

be the printer I just chose you for an

example why can't you choose yourself as

an example you don't choose yourself

example this prin is off at the wall who

the hell did that oh yeah that was me

sorry you're definitely the printer now

you watched me struggle with that I was

turning it off and on again to try and

make it work I could kill you but is

this really about me yes yes yes this is

definitely about you well Freud said

that women were always more

angry because they didn't have a penis

you're joking aren't you you could be

statistically more Angry that's absolute

bollocks I'm angry because you turned

the printer off at the wall a lot of

this aggression might stem from your

childhood not aggression I'm not

aggressive what's all no that's just Mom

threatening to kill Ben all right how's

Karen getting on well she won a heat

although she was nearly disqualified at

the starts what for full start no for

sledging yeah I couldn't quite hear what

she was saying but the gesture didn't

look very nice well you'll have to have

a word with her yes yes she's your

responsibility okay spare me the lecture

can you put me Mom on it has nothing to

do with breastfeeding Mom it's

Dad

thanks hi a did you put out those novel

Pages yet no not quite yet the printer's

been off at the wall and the computer's

got oh it's

back okay how's Karen getting on is she

interacting with the other

kids

yes she won a heat but there are some

very fast girls in this final God knows

what she'll do if she doesn't win

probably going on a guns spree okay now

I'm in a file called Pete's novels uh I

don't want to print out the wrong thing

so is it called Amber Reflections no

that's the one about the psychic dwarf

in the court of the miches Pluto's Feast

that's the at truscan General who

befriends a blind wolf it's called

Bido I think or did I change that oh

yeah got it

Bido right good luck with

Karen

okay Mission

Control we have LIF off

yes at last the humans have

won excuse me sir sir do you mind not

filming you're not serious I'm just

filming my daughter yes but there other

children in the race and without

consulting their parents it's come on no

parent is going to object well um that

one did

oh for God's sake I'm the law of the

land mate no it's not rum pole it has no

basis in law there is nothing to stop me

filming my daughter at a swimming

Gara I'm getting

better almost got next door's cat he can

make himself really big imagine if we

could do that you already have you're

gigantic I know be only human can you

please stop doing this okay you can put

me down thank thank you does this still

fit you m fit me a month ago take that

as a no give it to Jacob a hamme down

huh LOL okay Jake once you finish that

I'll take you out for that driving

lesson I still think I need a proper

driving instructor oh don't be Dar it

all costs money be fine you'll see

you'll have your license by summer well

I don't want to take my test too early

why I don't want to be the first one in

my lot driving do I I'll end up fairing

everyone about everywhere it's no fun

being a glorified Taxi Driver no no it's

not anyway we better get out soon before

the traffic starts to build up well oh

come on it'll be fine my dad taught me

how to drive and then my uncle why' your

dad stop teaching

you no that's what I've just said there

is no basis in law we don't know who you

are or whether you've even got a

daughter that is my daughter in Lane

three there you have got a daughter in

Lane 3 there why don't you at home we

don't have a lane three at home I think

there are laws against this there are no

laws against this I'm very uncomfortable

when I think some of the other parents

around could the supervisor come to pite

please R so

basically you're saying what happened in

your driving lesson was granddad's fault

yeah I had to break I had no choice if

he'd been wearing his seat Bel and he'd

had his dentures in properly he would

have been fine it was just you know an

unfortunate accident no such thing is

accidents that's what psychologists

reckon is that right yeah what they mean

is say remember when I was little and I

had that accident in Hastings what when

you fell off the pier yeah that must

have happened for a reason yeah and the

reason was you were doing cartwheels on

the handrail maybe deep down I wanted to

fall into the ocean maybe it was all

about some inner emotion I was

suppressing when have you ever

suppressed an emotion that's what I'm do

this camera phone hang out and I resent

the suggestion that I am in some way a

pedophile well you might be a pedophile

I am not a pedophile gentlemen perhaps

we could move this uh discussion into my

office listen mate you don't have to

look like a pedophile to be a pedophile

I've been crb sorry did Jimmy Sav look

like a

pedophile oh yes yes he did actually I'm

a gentleman he looked about as pervy as

it is possible for a human being to look

yeah but nobody knew it was a the

thought yes they did loads of people

hundreds of them look can everybody stop

mentioning Jimmy savil I get this every

bloody day I think you'll find us a

wellknown

fact to your daily maale EXC can we just

sorry um can we please I'm a teacher

they're the worst is they teachers next

to priest if we could exercise some

self-control nobody even knows who this

bloat

is hi my name is Peter Brockman and I am

not I repeat not a pedophile although I

am a gay Gypsy Asylum Seeker

is he takeing the piss my office now or

I call the police tell you something

mate if I'm trying to do is f my

daughter swimming that's

all I think I'm doing what everybody

here is thinking I'm actually doing is

that your

dading come on let's go to the office

sort this out in the office let's

go

okay what the we printed it all out in

symbol

what the hell has he done that for he's

like it's like soding Japanese it's just

full of asteres and exclamation marks

you should have kept on it as it was

going through does your advice Center

never close going to have to start again

now that stupid novel has used up all

the

paper hang on there's there's no paper

left there was a whole box of paper here

yesterday where the hell is it going on

oh yeah I might be able to help you with

this I did print out some stuff on

Spartacus and psychologist and knuckle

cracking so you're telling me that

you've used up a whole box of paper

Printing out

material about that was more on knuckle

cracking than I expected oh God I need

to print out this registration form that

the courses tomorrow why is this

happening to

me maybe deep down you want it to happen

to

you I'd run if I were

you so Karen recorded a personal best

yep brilliant is she pleased not really

came third

third third oh God do you want a drink

I've already got one thanks have you

taken Jake out for his Drive

yeah and how we'll pay for an

instructor with jeal controls how long

were you out there with him te that days

especially when we got onto the Dual

carriageway you took him on a dual

carriageway not intentionally he just

suddenly turned left for no earthly

reason I told you he will never pass his

test well I don't know his emergency

stops are quite

good oh did you get to print my novel

off yeah it's on the side hi hi that was

rehearsal yeah it was good Mr father

really likes my psychological

interpretation as spus you know how he

is only rebelling against Rome cuz he

really wants Rome's approval

right I can't give this to Phil's wife

to read look at it you go blind well I'm

sorry but that was the only paper left

okay this hasn't even got to the bit

with the samai teams up with Gandy

where's the rest of it the printer

broke broke yeah was an accident there

are no accidents he had it coming does

no one in this family have any

self-control

so K came third I'm afraid too no I

think all we can do is is is keep

positive and give her as much emotion oh

hello sweetheart hey well done on today

personal best that's brilliant yeah

brilliant it's it's quite an achievement

to to Ben Ben how you doing honestly

sorry I was just trying to lighten

things up yeah but people aren't always

in the mood to be in smeared and n

sweetheart sit

down yeah no PB that's uh something to

be proud of did they give you a medal if

you left it behind in a

bin well I suppose even Champions lose

sometimes but the mark of a true

champion is whether you can accept

defeat

gracefully did you accept defeat

gracefully yes apart from demanding A

drugs test that girl had shoulders like

a gorilla and dropping out the relay

team oh Karen honestly and you let her

get away with that I can't physically

Force someone to swim can I well I saw

Bradley Wiggins doing an interview and

he says that you actually learn more

from the feat well that's very true you

work out why you didn't win I know why I

didn't win good it's because of this

family hey you all wrecked my

confidence I think that him with his

visualizing and you with your long talks

that I can never follow and dad was this

banging on about self-control and then

telling everyone that he's a gypsy gay

Asylum

Seeker that was

irony not everyone got it it's no wonder

that I lost maybe you wanted to lose I

lost because I come from a family of

losers well thanks for that I could to

go watch pointless this is exactly what

I mean she needs someone to lay down

some boundaries spell out some realities

be our gu best oh someone has to well

you're clearly the man for the job being

such a parenting expert all right then I

will listen Karen you need to have a

long hard look at yourself because this

life doesn't owe you a living you know

and it's not a oneway street because it

goes two ways not one and it doesn't

revolve around you like

your some kind of roundabout like he

understands about

roundabouts oh African countries

beginning with a b

um

Bui Pino Faso no don't get

P how long should we leave him in there

with herly Spirit breaks Belgian Congo

actually does it this building what I'm

really saying is you have to be prepared

to meet people halfway and not make the

world come to you all the way this this

is Dil now that is exactly what I mean

Karen that stop it Mom

[Music]

Dad

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
autism /ˈɔː.tɪ.zəm/ B2	noun - a developmental disorder characterized by difficulties with social interaction and communication
spectrum /ˈspek.trəm/ B2	noun - a continuous range of values or qualities; in context, the range of traits associated with autism
audition /ɔːˈdɪʃ.ən/ B1	noun - a trial performance to obtain a role in a production verb - to perform an audition
gladiator /ˈɡlæd.i.eɪ.tər/ B2	noun - a fighter in ancient Roman arenas, often armed with swords and shields
camaraderie /ˌkæm.əˈrɑː.dɚ.i/ C1	noun - mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together
psychology /saɪˈkɒl.ə.dʒi/ B2	noun - the scientific study of mind and behavior
rebel /ˈrɛb.əl/ B1	noun - a person who resists authority or control verb - to resist or defy authority
anxiety /æŋˈzak.si/ B2	noun - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome
discipline /ˈdɪs.ɪ.plɪn/ B2	noun - training that develops self‑control and obedience
confrontation /kənˌfrʌnˈteɪ.ʃən/ C1	noun - a face‑to‑face conflict or clash
self‑control /self kənˈtrəʊl/ B2	noun - the ability to regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and actions
boundary /ˈbaʊn.də.ri/ B1	noun - a limit or edge; a line that marks the end of something
bullying /ˈbʊl.i.ɪŋ/ B1	noun - repeated aggressive behaviour intended to hurt another person
visualization /ˌvɪʒ.u.əl.ɪˈzeɪ.ʃən/ C1	noun - the act of forming mental images of something, often used to improve performance
tattoo /ˈtæ.tuː/ B2	noun - a permanent design made on the skin using ink
impulse /ˈɪm.pʌls/ B2	noun - a sudden strong desire to act verb - to cause a sudden movement or change

Key Grammar Structures

• I can"'t" possibly pay it because it is for the sum of 0 pence.

  ➔ Modal verb ‘can’t’ – expressing inability or impossibility.

  ➔ The word “can’t” shows that the speaker is unable to pay.

• "Could" I suggest that you employ a computer that isn’t on the autism spectrum?

  ➔ Modal ‘could’ used in a polite suggestion/question.

  ➔ The word “could” softens the request, making it polite.

• If we "send" the email after 11:00, we will start a firestorm.

  ➔ First conditional – simple present in the if‑clause, future with ‘will’ in the main clause.

  ➔ The verb “send” is in the simple present because the condition is real and possible.

• She "has been" struggling with a computer that isn’t on the autism spectrum.

  ➔ Present perfect continuous – ‘has been’ + present participle to show an action that started in the past and continues.

  ➔ “has been” + “struggling” tells us the struggle began earlier and is still happening.

• He said that he "would" cast me for my sense of attack.

  ➔ Reported speech – past tense ‘would’ (future in the past) after a reporting verb.

  ➔ The word “would” replaces the original “will” because the statement is being reported after the past “said”.

• "Might" they be misunderstood if we don’t explain clearly?

  ➔ Modal ‘might’ – expressing possibility, often used for less certain predictions.

  ➔ The word “might” shows that misunderstanding is only a possible outcome.

• I "wish" I could have been there earlier.

  ➔ Wish + could have + past participle – expressing regret about a past situation.

  ➔ “wish” + “could have been” shows a desire that was impossible in the past.

• It is important that you "be" on time.

  ➔ Subjunctive mood after adjectives like ‘important’ – base form ‘be’ without ‘to’.

  ➔ The verb “be” is in the subjunctive form, showing a requirement rather than a statement of fact.

• "Despite" being 13, he still thinks he is a star.

  ➔ Preposition ‘despite’ + gerund – showing contrast between a fact and an expectation.

  ➔ The word “despite” introduces a clause (“being 13”) that contrasts with his belief.