[English]
I don't know where Garrett Baldi is. All
right. It's not like we were close. I
was just his trainer at the gym.
>> Then why were you always going out to
dinner with him? Was he doing reps of
linguini?
>> Noise.
>> Look, you don't say no to Garrett Baldi.
All right. That's why I always let him
work his chest and his abs and never his
legs.
>> Yeah. The key is balance. That's why I
never work any of it.
>> Unless you guys are going to arrest me,
I got to go. There's an emergency at the
gym.
>> Emergency at the gym. Just when two cops
show up at his door. That seems
suspicious. We should follow him.
>> Yeah, this case might actually lead
somewhere. Why do you sound surprised?
>> Because every day on this job is a
wonder.
>> Damn right it is.
>> Medical examiner. Jackpot. The gym is
full of bodies.
>> No. Department of Health.
>> There's been an outbreak of the Mumps. H
mumps. That's a funny word.
>> It's actually a very serious and highly
contagious infectious disease.
>> Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in
contact with that guy for a couple of
seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any
of our eyeballs.
>> So, you both have the MS. Sorry to say
it's very contagious.
>> You may not want to be here, detective.
>> Oh, it's cool. I keep up to date on all
my vaccinations. I'm immune to stuff
you've never even heard of,
>> but not immune to bragadosio.
>> Anyhow, over the next several hours, you
will more than likely develop fever,
aching, fatigue. Doesn't sound too bad.
>> Also, tart foods will cause intense jaw
pain. So, you may want to avoid sour
candies.
>> What?
>> You may get painful like swelling in
your neck and often extreme testicular
discomfort.
>> Okay.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. No doubt.
>> This might just be the fever talking,
but this unedited footage of an Italian
restaurant from 8 years ago might be the
best movie I've ever seen. Also, how
weird are forks?
>> Forks are very weird. I've always
thought so.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
Did we take too much cold medicine?
>> Not by a long shot. Bothar is a thirsty
...
>> Ah, I'll drink to that. [laughter]
>> Wait, look.
Garamargo.
Oh, sorry. Can't talk. Need more magnet.
Gabaldi.
He's eating snakes.
>> No, it's spaghetti. [music]
It's always spaghetti.
>> I'm just saying if that's spaghetti, it
looks like snakes.
>> Jake, you need to drop this case.
>> What are you talking about? The plan is
working perfectly. Halt hasn't been
lonely all week.
>> Yeah, because he's too busy almost
dying. Look at him.
>> What? He's just beautiful minding it.
Because he's a genius.
>> He's writing the word case over and over
again. Oh, now he's spelling it with a
K.
>> Is that not how you spell it? Again, I
have a mouth neck and testicle melting
fever. Jake, enough is enough. You need
to drop this stupid back burner cold
case before you both die or I will kill
you.
>> Oh my god, I thought I was following
her. Yeah, I should probably lie down.
Here we go.
Case.
>> So, you lied to me out of pity. You pity
me.
>> I wouldn't put it that way.
>> I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am
very tired. So, I'm going to take a nap.
But when I wake up, oh, you are in for
it. [music]
>> How dare you?
>> How dare me? How dare you? I was just
trying to help.
>> Wow, your help feels an awful lot like
pity. So, do me a favor and don't ever
help me again.
>> Wow. Well, you didn't seem to mind me
helping you when I got you your job back
at the 99.
>> I didn't ask YOU TO DO THAT.
You said we were out of peas. YOU PEE
HOG.
>> YOU'RE THE PEE HOG.
>> YOU'RE THE PEE HOG.
>> NO, YOU YOU YOU BACK. [screaming]
>> Double poke.
[screaming]
>> Wait a minute.
I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was too
proud to admit I was lonely. So,
thank you.
>> You're welcome. Ain't no thing.
>> No, it is a thing. And an even bigger
thing is that you brought me back to the
99. And I'll always be grateful for
that. So, here.
This is for you.
Sour candies. I missed you so much.
[sighs]
[screaming] BIRDS. [laughter]
THANK YOU for this gift.
>> And Captain, you can help me decorate.
I'm at your disposal. Just tell me what
to do. I'm here to implement your
vision.
>> Oh, we just want to keep it classy.
>> Got it. Balloon arch.
>> What?
>> Say no more. It's done. I'm off to the
nearest balloon store.
>> Okay, Rosa, you go to the office, have a
couple bellinis, and just relax.
>> What's a balini?
>> Peach juice and champagne.
>> Peach juice and champagne? What am I,
six?
>> Come on, just try it. It's what Nancy
Myers would drink.
>> Fine for Nancy.
Whoa, you really made the balloon arch.
>> Made? No, I birthed her. There's no form
more graceful than the arch. No object
more whimsical than the balloon.
>> Yes, you and I think that. But [sighs]
what will Rosa think?
>> Good point. Rosa would want a much, much
bigger balloon. Arch, back to the
balloon store.
>> Uh, Amy, we've got a problem.
>> What?
>> Rosa's drunk.
>> Rosa? No. How? While Pimento stares at
Rosa, we'll all be staring at her.
>> Yes, we will.
>> She's truly breathtaking. There's a
double meaning to that. The breath that
it takes to inflate all those balloons.
Of course, I used a hand pump, but the
bone mold still works.
>> Oh no. What's happening? Someone tell me
what's happening.
>> I got some more bad news.
>> Oh wow, that thing's huge. Didn't Rosa
want things to be classy? I mean, she's
getting married, not finishing a
marathon. Don't say the hair guy. Stay
in your lane, Bucko. Right, Santiago?
>> The arch sucks. I'm sorry. I didn't want
to say anything because you're my boss
and you were so excited, but the truth
is, every time I look at it, I want to
die and take you with me.
>> Well, I wish you'd said something before
I spent all day making it. Of course,
you didn't want to burst my bubble. Pun
intended. And then you did.
Forget the arch. Charles didn't sober up
Rosa. She got him drunk.
>> Oh no. How drunk is he?
>> Remember the night they canceled bun
heads?
>> We're ruined.
>> It's fine. I'll handle it. You got your
hands full.
>> And that's why you shouldn't drink.
>> Being drunk sounds terrible.
>> Hello, Amy. I didn't see you there. How
did the wedding go?
>> Terry, what the hell, man? You said you
were going to sober them up.
>> It's her fault. My girls are never going
to grow up and lose their virginity.
>> I lost my VCard to the woman that
refilled Nana's oxygen tanks. Her hands
were so strong from turning the nozzles.
>> This is a room of nightmares.
>> You're the nightmare. You made me kill
my balloon baby. Look at me. So drunk
I'm alliterating like a beatnick.
>> Okay, everybody outside now. Just know
that you brought this on yourselves.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Can we just go to sleep for a
winker?
>> We're way past winkers. Scully
Hitchcock, bring the frost.
[music]
[screaming]
>> I suppose I can see how a balloon arch
might have been a little too much.
>> Oh, yeah, for sure.
>> No, you're supposed to say this wedding
looks like garbage.
This wedding looks like garbage.
>> No, no. As long as the bride's happy.
>> Hey there everyone. Great wedding so
far, right? Uh next up we're going to
take a quick break, which happens at
every wedding. But in the meantime, how
about a little entertainment? Boil, you
got your devil sticks?
>> Always.
>> Yeah.
>> Um I just wanted to thank you for all
your help yesterday.
>> I didn't do much. It was nothing. Good
day.
>> What's going on?
>> Just very busy. Get back to work. Wait,
what do you have in there?
>> A balloon arch.
>> Oh my god, Captain. She is magnificent.
>> VINDICATION.
[screaming]
>> What are you smiling about?
>> How uncomfortable this guy is. Jacked up
the thermostat, got the table all
sticky, made one of the chair legs too
short, and worst of all, I had Gina
greet him.
>> What did you have her do?
>> Be yourself.
>> Poor son of a Yeah. Why are you
wearing a tuxedo?
>> Kevin and I are attending the opera.
>> The opera. Is it the one Bugs Bunny
sings?
>> Yes.
>> So, who's this?
>> This is Philip Davidson.
>> What do we have on him?
>> Clear motive, clear means, and a
non-existent alibi. But the DA won't
bring a charge because he says it's all
circumstantial. If we want to bring this
guy down, we have to get him to confess
[music] right here, right now.
>> An interrogation with a ticking clock
and everything on the line. I better
call Kevin and tell him I won't be
attending the opera. There's someone
else I'd rather hear sing.
>> Oh, dang. [crying]
>> Hello, Kevin. I won't be joining you on
the phone already.
>> The tickets under my name. H O L.
>> Doctor, huh?
>> It's funny when people call dentist
doctor.
>> We are doctors. We do four years of
medical school.
>> Yeah, it's called dental school.
>> But we learn about the entire body.
>> Yeah, but if you had cancer, you would
call a dentist.
>> You know, it's actually harder to get
into dental school than medical school.
>> Why? Because there are fewer dental
schools cuz most people want to become
actual doctors. That's ridiculous. It's
not like we're college professors
calling ourselves doctors. It's
>> not the same thing, my friend.
>> Sure it is. When someone has a heart
attack on a plane, do they yell out,
"Yo, does anybody here have an art
history PhD?" A PhD is a doctorette.
It's literally describing a doctor.
>> Maybe let's refocus.
>> No, the problem here is that medical
practitioners have co-opted the word
doctor.
>> Okay, Captain. Now,
>> I know we live in a world where anything
can mean ANYTHING AND NOBODY EVEN CARES
ABOUT ETMOLOGY.
[sighs]
>> APPARENTLY, that's a trigger for me.
>> Yeah, apparently.
So now, can we lie?
>> No. [snorts]
[laughter]
>> I'm pretty sure you were going for
angry, but in my mind, it just seems
like when a muppet gets upset, it starts
going angry.
>> Oh, you want angry? I'LL SHOW YOU ANGRY.
>> Do you feel like I lost the upper hand?
Cuz I still think it's about 50/50.
>> I told you getting angry wouldn't work.
>> Well, your brilliant ideas haven't
gotten us anywhere either. I'm telling
you, the only thing that's going to work
is lying about the cabin.
>> That would be a huge mistake.
>> It'll work.
>> No, it will backfire and jeopardize the
entire case.
>> Oh, so Philip is right. You don't trust
me at all.
>> Stop it. You know, you're one of my best
detectives.
>> So, let me do this my way.
>> I did. I let you do it your way, and it
was a disaster. I had to jump in with
the dumb cop gambit to rescue the
interrogation. I'm sorry. I know you're
frustrated, Peralta, but the fact is we
don't have enough. We may not get a
confession. It happens. Are you that
desperate for everyone to know how great
you are? It's not about everyone, okay?
It's just I wanted you to know.
>> Oh my god.
I got it.
>> He's not answering any questions.
>> That's okay. I have no questions. That's
right. I'm about to monologue, son.
>> Better make it quick. You only got 8
minutes.
>> All right, then. Let me paint you a
picture. I'm Philip, a successful
periodontist that's become addicted to
dazipan. kind of sedative I take because
I'm junky scum. Also, for real,
addiction is a disease I would be super
empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.
>> What is the point of this?
>> I'll get there. So, one day I'm working
late when my boss Robert surprises me.
He found out I was stealing meds. Again,
junkie scum. Also, again, not your
fault. There's a major genetic component
to addiction. He says he's going to file
a police report. I could lose my
license. We fight and something in me
just snaps. So, I grab the first thing I
can find and I hit him with it.
>> You still have no murder weapon.
>> I do. Now, here's a pic I found on Yelp
of the surgical suite 6 months ago. And
here is a shot that our crime scene
photographer took of the same room 2
weeks after the murder. Notice any
differences?
>> We're not answering that.
>> That's all right. I can just tell you
myself. The Yelp shot has six of these
heavy looking glass awards from the
Brooklyn Periodontic Society in the
background. Whereas this shot only has
five. What happened to number six? You
murdered Robert with it. You lost all
control and you bludgeoned him to death.
There must have been blood everywhere.
But you got lucky. You were in the
surgical suite. It can be sterilized.
You never would have gotten away with it
in your carpeted office.
>> That's not what happened.
>> Don't say anything more, Phil. and your
office manager would have heard all of
the screaming, but she was at her
grandson's play. Lucky again. You put
Robert's body into a wheelchair and
shoved it in the elevator. It's a
miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.
>> That's not true.
>> Now you're in the garage with a corpse.
You panicked and left your phone in your
office and you don't have your car keys,
but Roberts are in his pocket. So, you
put him in his car and you take off. You
can't believe what you've done.
>> You're flustered. You have no GPS, so
you just start driving.
>> Next thing you know, you're in the Pine
Barons and it hits you. Your uncle's
cabin. He has a place there. You're the
luckiest son of a
>> Yes, it was. You got lucky at every
turn.
>> No, I knew exactly where I was driving.
I left my phone in the office on
purpose. I was in a surgical suite by
design, and I didn't use some glass
award that any idiot would clearly see
was missing. I made a rod out of a
special dental polymer, killed them with
it, then melted it back down. It's
already in a patient's mouth, son.
>> Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn.
>> And that is three O dams.
Oh, damn.
>> Okay, sir. The kidnapper should be
calling with his demands any minute. If
we can trace his location, we can find
your fuzzy boy.
>> That fuzzy, he's fluffy.
>> We don't know what he is anymore. He
could be fuzzy. He could be anything.
Raymond, he could be scruffy.
>> Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're
happy.
>> Why would I be happy? I clearly just
mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.
>> Just You're fired. I want your shield
and your peace.
>> That seems a little extreme. Jake is
right. Thank you, Kevin.
>> Just suspend him without pay. Why did
you ask for my help? Hey, there you are.
And oh my god, what is happening? I've
gotten mad and now I'm getting even.
>> Okay, look, sir. I know you're upset,
but you need to stay calm and treat this
like any other case. I mean, I can't
believe I'm going to say this, but now
is not the time to go all John Wick.
>> Who's that? A friend of yours?
>> I wish, but he's not a real person. He's
a movie assassin that goes nuts when
someone messes with his dog.
>> Then call me John Wixs because I'm about
to go nuts.
>> It's Wick, singular, and you already did
go nuts. It cost us the trace, remember?
Look, I need you to focus. The kidnapper
texted his demands.
>> How much does the bastard want from my
little doggy?
>> Well, that's just it. He doesn't want
money. He requested all the files we
worked for May 2004. It's a lead. He's
got to be connected to one of those
cases somehow.
>> Interesting. You know what else is
interesting?
>> Grenades.
>> Just please stop it. I'm going to take
Kevin to the park where Cheddar was
kidnapped and look for clues. I need you
to stay here, go through those files,
and put together a list of potential
suspects. Can you do that?
>> Okay, fine. I'll go through the files.
>> Great.
>> You realize I can't leave until you put
the grenades back, right?
>> Oh, but you let John Wixs have grenades.
>> It's Wick, singular. Just put him back.
>> That was weird. It's sunny outside.
>> Why is that weird?
>> Because a storm is about to rain down on
that punk.
>> Oh my god. I fell for it and I loved it.
All right, let's gear up. Kevin, you
stay here. And don't worry, we're going
to get your dog back. So, we did not get
your dog back. Unfortunately, [music] he
wasn't here.
>> No, no, no. I think Captain Holt's
taking it really well.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. If we're going to pull this off,
we need to teach you how to move, talk,
and act exactly like Kevin.
>> In other words, we have ourselves a pig
mailon situation.
>> Exactly. A pig mailman situation,
>> right?
>> It'll be okay.
>> Well, it'll be okay.
>> Let's get started.
>> Yes. Let's get started.
>> It's getting worse.
>> Spot on, Kevin.
>> Look, [music]
a yellow crusted warbler.
>> Look, Gandrusted
Warbler.
>> No, you're too excited. The warbler is a
common bird.
>> And then I said, "Which metamorphosis?
Kofka or Oette?" [laughter]
He loves it. He loves it.
>> So that's the joke. No, you tell it.
>> Oh, okay. So, [clears throat] a
professor walks into a rare books
collection.
>> No, you've ruined it now. It's not
funny. Look, Raymond, a yellow crusted
warbler. Look, Raymond, a yellow crusted
warbler.
>> Not excited enough. They may be common,
but they're still birds.
>> The 92nd Street Y had a wonderful
symposium on just that topic.
>> That's it. You're getting it.
>> Ah, cool go.
>> Oh, don't say cool. Instead, say indeed.
>> Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed,
indeed. That's weird. Look, Raymond, a
yellow crusted worbler.
>> Yes, that's the right level of
excitement for such a bird. You've
captured the essence of Kevin. You've
done it.
>> Correction, I've accomplished it.
>> Indeed.
>> Indeed. Indeed, indeed. Indeed, indeed.
Indeed, Indeed, indeed. Indeed.
>> It's growing on me.
>> Oh, it's our fluffy boy.
>> Good dog. Good dog.
>> Oh, Mr. Cheddar, [music] how I've missed
you.
>> We both have. I'm putting that GPS tag
on your collar immediately. Damn it.
It's not here. I'm wearing Peralta's
pants. And now my hands are sticky.
>> Wait, so Peralta's wearing your pants,
which means
>> he doesn't have sticky hands?
>> Yes, but also he has the GPS tracker.
>> YOU WANT PD?
>> SPLIT UP. COVER THE EXITS.
>> FREEZE.
>> CAPTAIN, [screaming]
>> he's not getting away. HE TOOK MY DOG.
>> OH my god, it's happening.
>> [screaming]
[groaning]
>> Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you
need is an umbrella.
>> Tell them [music] why. Tell them why.
>> Cuz there's a storm going to rain down
on you, bunk.
>> [screaming]
[screaming and groaning]
>> My goodness.
>> [groaning]
[screaming]
>> You took the wrong fluffy boy.
>> What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?
>> No, [music] we just had a knockdown
dragout fight. My calendar had the lake
houses free.
>> Strange. Mine had it as unoccupied.
>> Well, it seems we're at an impass.
>> I would call it more of a deadlock. He
gets in such good zingers.
>> He's tired from driving, so he's staying
the night and going back in the morning.
>> Well, that could be good. Maybe you guys
could spend some time together.
>> We've agreed to keep our distance and
issue a verbal warning anytime one of us
is about to enter the room.
>> Raymond Halt, entering the kitchen.
>> Hold on. That call, that's the call a
corn crate makes when it wants to root.
I'll respond.
This way.
>> Oh, you were not a corn crank.
>> But you heard the call.
>> Yes, it was majestic.
>> Well, look what we caught in our gil
net. A couple of fresh fatty trout.
That'll last us the next 5 days. More if
we eat the egg sack.
>> Jake picnic. It attracted bees.
>> No. No. God, they're everywhere. Get
away. Quick, everyone, form a wall
around me.
>> Peralta, I'm sorry, Kevin. It's just I'm
very allergic. If I get stung, I have a
terrible reaction. Kind of like this.
>> Oh my. No, that's much worse. I just get
a scratchy throat. Why didn't you cower
behind someone?
All right, we should be good. I think
the swarm is gone. I think I was only
stung once. How do I look?
>> Good.
>> Normal. Very normal.
>> Stop it. Kevin doesn't like to be lied
to. You're disgusting to look at.
>> Thank you, Raymond. I have an EpiPen
back at the house. Would you call
someone and have them bring it?
>> There's no reception. I'll just run
back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years.
How hard can it be?
>> It's immediately awful.
>> Here, while we wait, you could try
putting this chilled bottle of champagne
against your eyes. It might help.
>> Barto, why is there a romantic picnic
sitting in this remote clearing?
>> You set this whole thing up, didn't you?
>> Uh-uh.
>> You've manipulated us into spending time
together. Uh-uh.
>> Is that your entire defense? Nuh-uh.
Uh-huh. Okay, fine. All right. Yes, but
only because I care about you. And by
the way, you should really make your
shared calendar less easy to access.
>> You got into our calendar?
>> Yeah, you already knew that. You said I
set the whole thing up.
>> I was talking about the picnic. What
were you talking about?
>> Nuh-uh. You tricked us into coming to
the lake house at the same time. You did
a dstapton.
>> What? I don't know what that is.
>> Double deactton.
>> I'm only half.
>> It's a German novel about a set of twins
who try to reunite their aranged
parents.
>> That's the parent trap. I knew my
strategim had classy origins.
>> Peralta. This is my personal life.
You've crossed the line. I'm leaving.
>> So am I. Oh no, Kevin.
We got off to a bad start there with the
bees and Kevin rolling down the hill and
then of course the second swarm of bees,
but we're good now, right? Can you guys
hear me? You keep moving away from me
for some reason.
>> I wish a bee would sting me in both ears
right now so they'd seal shut as well.
>> What was that? I couldn't hear you. I'll
just assume you said keep going.
Anyways, yeah, I just figured if I could
get you guys together, I could create a
magical moment. But of course, we now
know that magic doesn't exist.
>> It's a corn cr.
>> Oh, I can't believe it. I finally spot a
corn and my eyes are swollen shut. It's
okay, Kevin. I'll describe it to you.
Okay. Have you ever seen a duck?
>> Peralta, I got this.
>> Okay.
>> The beak color is panone 4685 C.
>> The wing is Panton 2322 C spotted with
4515C.
Oh,
>> the tail is panone 7525 C with bands of
419C.
>> My my
>> Oh, Kevin, the throat panone 7528 C.
>> Oh, Raymond,
those are some hot pantones.
Sir,
>> what are you doing here, Baralda?
>> I want to prove to you that you're wrong
to think that Kevin doesn't have
feelings for you anymore.
>> Okay, what is he doing here?
>> How? Uh, I want to prove to him that he
was wrong for hedging all day, but
that's our own separate thing, so you
can ignore it. Sir, listen. I think
Kevin wanted to stay. The only reason he
left is because he didn't know how you
felt.
>> Why would you think that? He's made no
effort whatsoever.
>> Or has he? Did you know that Kevin is
better at bird calls than you?
>> Oh, strange, hurtful nonssequator.
>> No. Who made the first corn crate call?
>> I believe I did.
>> Correct. Kevin and I heard you and he
responded. But get this, sir. You made
the wrong call. This is what a rooting
corn sounds like.
The call that you made was for a scarlet
warbler. A trash bird.
>> Okay, so you made your point. I'm a
trash man who only knows trash birds.
>> No, that is not my point. My point is
Kevin knew it wasn't a corn crreek, but
he went to it anyway
>> because he was going to you, not the
bird. He still loves you. Our plan
worked.
>> Our plan?
>> Yeah. Terry is off the hedge and on the
ledge.
>> Well, that means a lot coming from you,
Jeff, given how much you hate ledges.
>> [music]