– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

all

right the number bods do not be fooled

by their job descriptions they are

absolutely mad all of

them especially that one he's

mental not literally obviously that

wouldn't work last place you'd want

something like that is in accounts this

is the uh recycling bin right obviously

we get through a lot of paper we make a

lot

sell it yeah doesn't grow on

trees you know yeah it's

p okay Mr Davis can I just call you back

something just come up 2 minutes thanks

very much bye what you doing Gareth what

are you doing I'm just pushing the stuff

off my desk I can't concentrate on your

desk it was it's all overlapping it's

all coming over the edge here all right

one word two syllables demarcation all

right David Bren I presume

let's just do that to cheer these all

right send them out to get the plants

the girls can makees them a little bit

happier uh cuz they can sometimes get a

little

bit want get some batteries for Billy

Big Mouth take out a petty

cash can't put a price on

Comedy uh you're a [ __ ] Gareth you're a

[ __ ] and a end I'm still not listening

so it's not offending me right okay so

you won't hear this you're a [ __ ] you're

a [ __ ] you're a

[ __ ] you're a [ __ ] yeah look this is the

sort of work we're doing

cartoons does my bum look big in these

it's not sexy that's the bloke saying it

at last so all for that all for that in

the

workplace man to scrap it first in

you've met Tim

you oh careful what's this one Gareth

Keenan in the

area new T your good see um Gareth

Keenan assistant regional manager

assistant to the regional manager

gareth's my right hand man immediately

beneath me oh there's an actual Central

Bishop no he's not I'm not tell know

about your car and your kung fu and

everything uh yeah I got a tr3 uh V for

1200 uh up now it's worth three grand

profit on that suspension new

engine oh what is that W right that is

it slow down you move too fast Solomon's

here all part of the job what's going on

put my ster inside a jelly again that's

the third time he's done it wasn't even

funny the first time why has he done

that told him once that I don't like

jelly trust the way it moves yeah you

showed him a weakness he pounds you

should know about that oh what is it

there it's my stapler well don't do that

well eat it out there's people starving

the world which I hate so and it's a

waste so how' you know it's yours cuz

it's got my name on it in tipex yeah

don't eat it now chemicals right you can

be my witness give him an official

warning how do you know it was me it's

always you can you can you discipline

him oh

kinky no the thing about practical jokes

you got to know when to stop as well as

start and now is the time to start

putting gareth's personal possessions in

jelly all right G it's only a trifling

matter here we go always like this you

should put him in

custody he's going to fit in here B and

B aren we one extra one oh God yeah I'm

more worried really about damage to

company property that's

all I was just trying to think about the

desserts to do

dreaded first day yeah right yeah know

right yeah you seen the vibe yeah

chilled out you

know oh dear we work hard I mean we play

hard play hard we should be working hard

sometimes partly down to me sure

um I let them get out with murder in

return they let me get out with murder

you know the girls love me but uh not in

that way

but uh you know I suppose I've created

an atmosphere where I'm a friend first

and a boss second probably an

Entertainer third but hold on practical

jokes yeah right right okay practical

jokes don't give me

away come

in and then the head office said yeah so

that be thanks don't don't go do can you

put up a chair I was call you in anyway

I need a quick

word

um as you are aware there are going to

be redundancies and you've made my life

easier in as much as I'm going to have

to let you go first what why

why stealing

thieving thieving yeah

um uh what am I meant to stolen Post-it

notes Post-it

notes what are they worth about 12p oh

got your Bible on you Ricky no Thou

shalt not steal and this is only worth

12p you steal a th000 post notes at 12p

and you've

made profit why would I still post it

not you know to make the little things

on the end of joints roaches C your drug

addict no are you serious

yeah I

can't God

I've never stolen as much as a paperclip

and you're firing me and the good news

is I don't need to give you any

Severance by CU it's gross misconduct so

you can go straight

away oh

now that was the joke there

good girl that's a joke

weing well done settling

in practical jokes for the good thanks

for these check them

out do these now actually

you

wanker come

on you're such a sad little

man am

I didn't know

that what is the single most important

thing for a company is it the building

is it the stock is it the turnover

it's the people investment in people

yeah my proudest moment here wasn't when

I increased profit by 17% or cut

expenditure without losing a single

member of

staff was a young Greek guy first job in

the country hardly spoke a word of

English but he came to me and he went Mr

Brent will you be the Godfather to my

child

so didn't happen in the end we had to

let him go he was rubbish he was rubbish

that is you won need to use

that you've met this lot um Gareth you

saw in the meeting formal introductions

um hi Darth welcome just a handshake

that's fine and Ricky hi nice to meet

you even longer even Tim hello good okay

um sett her in get her started show her

the phones and everything but first we

think the lady does need a chair sit

down

AR maybe she should sit down here then I

could teach her the ropes that's my

responsibility as team leader David I'm

just saying maybe when people say oh

would you rather be thought of as a

funny man or a great Boss Mar St is the

same to me they're not mutually

exclusive there's there's a weight of

intellect behind my comedy yeah if you

were to ask me to name three Geniuses I

probably would wouldn't say um Einstein

Newton you know I'd go Milligan CLE

Everett

sessions car have you got a license to

carry that portable phone all right can

you swap places with Donna please no I'm

not moving do as you told why what are

you going to do phone me

I am team leader I don't you you're so

immature okay if there's one thing that

I am not it is Immature Immature little

[Music]

tosser dth Keenan

[ __ ] so David um I was just saying to

Tim

okay gun holster just my pable telephone

I was just saying to Tim

maybe I just sorry I just talk

to and know what just thinking did I

make five or six

cars the question is do you feel lucky

punk well do you this would spot

on let's let him get with it

okay we're all uh online here hooked up

to the worldwide web internet no

shopping all right um everyone's got uh

email have you used email before yeah

it's easy is it um just I just show on

oh oh you got a new one all you do there

see what it says new mail just go that

just click on that

Ah that's yeah it's not funny because

Donna should not have to see me as a

woman with two men doing that all over

me got nice boobs no it's just not it's

just my head they just put it on there

too who else has seen this filth you

know what I'm talking about who else

seen this

filth you haven't even got email Joan

someone printed it out for

me who printed this out for

Joan

well I'm angry and not because I'm in it

but because it degrades women which I

hate and the culprit whoever he is is in

this room or she it could be a woman

women are as filthy as men naming no

names I don't know any but women are

dirty David this is a meeting yeah yeah

okay that's all anything else um oh

teffy phone from the warehouse he's got

another funny video for you thanks okay

this is just one big boys club isn't it

not really sey little men with seedy

little jokes this morning perfect

example I do not want to be put in that

position again don't go down the

warehouse that's all David don't tell me

where I can and can't go in my own

company you're on very thin ice as it is

you've already lied to me today what's

that you lied to me because you don't

have the guts to do your own job I have

the guts if you're not man enough to do

your job I will do it for you

not mad

enough

okay come

here busy at

work is there a problem yeah

that so what's that what's that I don't

know a dirty picture in my head on it as

a sex object and don't you know I like a

laugh Tim I'm

porno laughs are not funny okay I'm

disappointed you think I did this case

closed oh I should I say that is it was

my investigation and what annoys me is

you obviously didn't do it in your own

time who whoa whoa Columbo here figured

it out did it well yeah she sorry yeah I

must be guilty if you got your best man

on the case yeah stop trying to be funny

for one second Tim okay and listen Okay

and stop taking advantage of my good

nature cuz I could be like every other

boss in this situation okay right you're

taking the piss and I'm getting sick of

it David it wasn't me okay it was your

good friend Chris

Finch he used my computer he said he was

your best mate and you'd find it

hilarious

oh no it is that's that's never in

question I think it's bloody hilarious

you're missing the but are you going to

apologize to Tim tell about families you

don't have to in a way so are you going

to apologize to Tim I have in a way are

you going to apologize now

yes sorry about

that you were invol he covered for it so

well as well you were involved in you

covered that's what I like well I

wouldn't want to be here any you ball

out finching you won't be it's not fair

nor will you so so it's it's not

offensive now it's chrisfch let's not

dwell on whether it is or isn't this or

let's stop degrading women please let's

have a laugh with them not at them let's

have a laugh at work with women at us so

I trust you'll be telling Chris Finch he

won't be working with us anymore yeah

that's a good idea I'll get rid of a

good rep cuz he didn't played the joke

brilliant David don't even start no fine

that's come from the top

yeah hi Chris it's David here yeah bad

news mate we're going to have to let you

go we can't use you anymore now yeah cuz

of the joke no I've got a sense of humor

but that you know that was offensive

towards women and you know to be I can't

tolerate I'm going to have to pass on

and sponsored by accurist will be 4 21

and 40

seconds pathetic is it at the third

stroke the time sponsored by accurist

will be 421

and 50

seconds so has anyone got the right

time you uh get my pleas Tim got your

PR oh thanks a lot thank you happy

birthday man there you thanks very much

Lee you're nice good man

W this is

exciting um this is

big big and

exciting exciting huge inflatable [ __ ]

God you can sit on that if you like

that's not just from me mate that's from

dawn as well God God you haven't got

already have you um no you can never

have too many anyway I think and you do

prefer it to the money yeah yeah I'd

have only spent it on a huge inflamable

[ __ ] gor um that is oh stop playing with

it you getting that brilliant oh God

look at

that D exper

minate hello Austin Powers I'm a naked

mini

me um Thomas a tank engine rolled into

town Ringo Star like who lines

anyway don't grab it unless you got one

medic cuz it slows it down oh that is

brilliant

oh oh happy birthday remember you're

only as old as a woman you feel I say

that sometimes yeah I just say it the

other day and I thought I 's one of my

catchphrases I don't mind influencing

young comedian you're not a comedian but

you know I usually credit someone if I

use their comedy well what ones are

yours do I use same [ __ ] different day

it's mine exqueeze me toad of excuse me

oh um thank you very much yeah I met

that one start to a wait or something

thank you very much doesn't

he oh it is one right witnesses that I

started this one right if someone's um

unlucky you go I'm not saying he's

unlucky but if he fell in a barrel full

of tits he'd come up sucking his own

thumb bit not sck it I thought you suck

NS do

you

got they're cracking

up oh God some yeah there are limits to

my comedy there are things that uh I'll

will never laugh at um

the

handicapped because there's nothing

funny about them or any you know

deformity yeah um it's like when you see

someone look at a a little handicapped

and go oh look at him he's not able

boded I am I'm prejudiced yeah well at

least a little handicap fell is

able-minded

unless he's not it's difficult to tell

where the wheelchair ones so just give

generously to all of

them don't birthday 10 it's today and

also we'll be going out for drinks later

this evening not tonight why tonight

quiz oh right well we can go before

when's it start 700 always okay well

drinks at 600 then did you get him a

gift no but it it starts at 7:00 I know

yeah well okay drinks at six I get him

my card whatever fin is coming down so

got you ready to go at 7:00 okay drinks

at 6 but starts at 7 drinks at

6 studying quiz yeah you team

again just three is

it you excited first B quiz looking

forward to it it's not the first though

I was on

Blockbusters what what the tell yeah

yeah mhm will you one of the two or

byself there's two of you cheating one

of B just one just one do you win

anything or yeah two gold runs camping

equipment wman first person shout out

the correct answer wins all right so if

you're ready which Shakespeare play

features a character called calaban MCB

yes no M someone ice dream Hamlet had

you go no you said the first person to

shout out the answer wins you didn't say

you only had one Shout The Tempest

Tempest he's got

it ladies and gentlemen the winners I

give

you you didn't say you only had one go

you said the first person to shout out

the answer wins yeah the first person

that's my point yeah

here he is Chris is it haml is it m or

is it well maybe I'll write the

questions next time and you can have

list F bter no it's not b b not now all

right okay so when we had the question

name the Cuban leader who's been in

power since the revolution of 1959

Castro yeah you know it now yeah what

did you say

then tell them tell what did you say

then what did you you say

then who's the Cuban

leader FR

bentos no one of this place is going

down the pan you're a Wast of blood

don't get at him just cuz they beat you

they beat me I could give you a list of

50 things I could beat them at both like

throwing throwing right so landlord of

the Lamb Pub in chitester yeah

challenges me to throw one of these

little you know copper kettles over his

Pub right so go outside take off me tie

tie it to the

handle did you go

over obviously yeah that's actually an

official uh territorial Army method if

you're in the jungle so you wouldn't use

a tie obviously you use Vines from the

trees would you use a kettle no with the

equivalent right coconut I will throw

anything that you choose over this

building if I do it we win the quiz new

challenge how does that work double quiz

a challenge yeah so you choose anything

if you can throw it over we've won the

champagne and that's it and that's the

real quiz that was the real quiz chose

one thing really are a couple of sad

little men aren't you they sad little

men he's thrown a kettle over a pub what

have you done do you not if I do it we

win the quiz we win the priz exactly

that's the real qu

realair

seriously challenge it's just chall

tickle him tickle him tickle him back

can

back using the time method I know the

shoes I'm fast I knew he would I knew he

would typical that'll work

so

back how we goes over how are we going

to know if it goes over go check it goes

over on right here we go here we go

two and a three and a

four yes looking

good come on now did it go over did it

go over yeah it came by past

me wonder screw blood Busters screw bers

and screw your go sh your [ __ ] [ __ ] yes

I am the B like spring Ste Born to Run

the slow br un education didn't help now

let that be a lesson to you respect your

elders and do not [ __ ] with the

big no don't check his over because he

the radio as

[Music]

well yeah yeah awful Isn't it oh yeah oh

really and you know I said to him excuse

me I am in a hurry I'm on the phone God

people rude I must tell you about George

it all started about a year ago and I

saw well done

that customer won't be bothering you

again ever let's see what should have

happened yeah yeah awful Isn't it oh

yeah oh really you know and I said to

him oh I'm sorry s be with me in more

moment sorry Jean I'm going to have to

go off a customer I'll call you back at

a more convenient

time all she had to do was acknowledge

the customer's presence and end her

personal call as quickly as possible

this is what we call the customer care

tree so your prescription will be ready

on Friday Madam fine see you

[Music]

Tuesday so if you've put together a

crack team don't let your business get

taken hostage by complacency make your

motto who cares wins hey I know you can

I off your autograph oh of course you

can thank you Mr no

[Music]

very good very good okay then right

that's that what we're going to John

yeah they work together on Blue Peter

that's what the ref with can I

hear yeah okay right well you've all

seen uh the video now it's time for the

dreaded role play uh we'll kick off with

your leader David Brent David if you'd

like to come up here big round of

applause for David no no no I'm cheating

really I've done this before Oh that

should you that should make it a lot

easier for us yeah okay well nice and

simple to start with hard as you like

cuz well let's just kick off with

something nice and easy okay but I want

us to to uh play out a scenario that

highlights customer care okay that all

of you have to deal with people and it's

always possible to improve your people's

skills right in this uh scenario we'll

start something nice and easy I'm going

to play and and and this will be the

wrong way to do it I'm going to play a

very bad Hotel manager who just doesn't

care

and if it's a Basel 40 type character

then with their T maybe I should do it

just for the comedy yeah well let me

just play just you know just to kick

things off okay I'll probably bring so

much to this well anyway so right okay

well you've got a complaint you come and

complain and I'll show you the wrong way

to handle it this will be the wrong way

okay right so off we

go sorry what was the complaint just

just make it up anything because there's

no right or wrong thing in this scenario

then we tell you the right thing

afterwards so okay we might as you got

right okay okay I'd like to make a

complaint please don't

care well um I am staying in the hotel I

don't care it's not my shift well you're

an ambassador for the hotel I think

you'll care when I tell you what the

complaint is I think there's been a rape

up

there I got his attention get their

attention okay

right so well some some interesting

points very interesting points FL up

there it's not not not quite the point I

was trying to make points to be made uh

I'm more interested really in customer

care so am I and the way that we

would maybe I should as I thought I

should play the hotel manager cuz I'm

used to that I phased you but uh you

have a go see if you can phase me okay

uh yeah right okay okay

um uh hello uh I wish to make a

complaint not interested uh my room is

an absolute disgrace care the bathroom

doesn't appear will been clean what room

you in 362 there is no 362 in this

hotel sometimes the complaints will be

false

okay

good yeah and I get all this oh David

you know you're a brilliant singer

songwriter you're stuck in slow while

it's Texas that are off you know making

all the money you and they're rubbish

compared to you and I go don't slag them

off I say I've been there I've done that

you know that's behind me you know and I

I respect thing is uh we're both good in

our own Fields I'm sure Texas couldn't

run and manage a successful paper

Merchants yeah I couldn't you know do

what actually I could do what they do

and I think they knew that even back

then probably what spurred them on

[Music]

I wrote this I I only play songs I've

written myself so he went home to get

it Spaceman came down to answer some

things the world gathered round from

popers to Kings I'll answer your

questions I'll answer them true I'll

show you the way you know what to do who

is wrong and who is Right yellow brown

black or white space man answer said you

no longer mind I've opened your eyes

you're now color blind racial so she's

the serpent who guards the Gates of

[Applause]

[Music]

Hell pretty girl on the hood of a

Cadillac yeah broken down on freeway n

take a look at her engines started a

leave a puring and I Roll On by Bye by

free love on the free love Freeway the

love is free and the freeway is long I

got some hot love on the hot love

Highway and going home cuz my baby is

gone she's not

dead long time later see a cowboy crying

says Hey bu bu what can I do says I

lived a good life about about a thousand

women I said why are the tears he says

cuz none of them was you oh you no he's

looking at a photograph of you no of his

girlfriend the video would have shown up

yeah he sounds a bit gay at the moment

not

gay is free and the freeways long I got

some hot love on the hot love Highway

way ain't going home cuz my baby's gone

she's gone free love on the free love

Freeway the love is free and the freeway

is long I got some hot love on the hot

love Highway going home cuz my baby's

gone she's gone yeah My Baby's Gone

she's gone yeah gone away she's gone

she's gone yeah she just gone

[Music]

yeah Prett

yeah what other ones we used to do right

that's lunch

okay yeah are you ready to see rer yeah

hey

hello let's get you sat down okay I've

got got over here

ready good pop it down good right the

interview see what we've got

here Karen

rer curriculum

V just looking at this checking it

out good tell me about yourself um well

I I did gcscs and a levels and too

boring tell me about

yourself okay um well I'm quite into

films and music

yeah this right I don't really know just

put

that last year I took a year out and I

went traveling um exploring exploring

yourself

and

Asia just with your boyfriend just just

no was good by yourself just out there

free getting what you

can while you're

young I I don't know

well you've Charmed me yeah you've got

the job think the decision I'll make it

good work out your notice with the place

right now and we put you on a month's

probation but don't it's just to see if

we

okay yeah good

good out tonight celebrating I suppose

um yeah um going to do you know the

Chasers oh I don't believe it oh you see

a three divorced drunkards in the corner

keep away from us no come over come over

the drinks are be on me in me what time

you going to cruise down there it's not

definite there no come down come down

definitely what's your tiple um boding

Coke me

lger uh finchy lger Gareth lger

sometimes cider so different drinks for

different

needs yeah good well done well done

again congratulations than thank

you new secretary

good efficient

so you resigned then yeah I just got

hand him my notice make it official you

embarrassed yourself and all didn't you

asking door out no I didn't ask her that

was why does everyone think it was as a

friend okay it was just as a

friend what' you watch on telly last

night I didn't watch Telly I watched the

video I watched that Peak practice yeah

I've never seen it bloody

repeat it's annoying is it not for me I

haven't seen

it boring isn't it just staying in

watching Peak practice with your life

yeah not for me I like it yeah I just

stayed in had a big

WN be

f

it despite having done it twice my

people

my job okay just R to

beat I bloody love football don't I

service Farm lger Bucker and Coke gave

it the gig oh God the dreaded form it s

there with you married or single she

scores it doesn't matter whatever bring

your boyfriend down tonight if you want

I don't have a boyfriend whatever oh

sorry sorry that is a man's game that is

that is yeah I can't see accidental let

me look let me look

that's why I shouldn't get involved

really oh

[Music]

God hello all

right just was I'm going to go SEC so I

can here

so we should go for some drink oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah you mainly yeah the

three of us yeah I can probably get

someone to come along so good uh in the

next few weeks definitely of course I'll

just check his leave yeah absolutely

yeah of

course Gareth right gadio how are you

mate nothing good to

see you weren't trying to get off with

her were

you okay welcome to wornham hog health

and safety training with Gareth Keenan

okay that's me pleased to meet

you there are many hidden dangers in the

workspace and today we're going to find

out what those dangers are together all

right starting off with your work

station now I want you to imagine that

this is a mug of hot coffee it's not

okay cuz that would be dangerous even in

a training situation what we're going to

do is play a little fun game that I made

up all right I like to have a bit fun

when I'm teaching people I like to ever

laugh most of the time in and out of

work fact there's a few of us going out

tonight should we crack

on Good King excellent all

right now watch where I place this mug

in order to simulate where someone might

put a mug you know in real life and what

I want you to do is shout out and Shout

mind safe or dangerous right think you

can manage that

okay let's

go

dangerous I'm moving on you been fired

no no no I've been made into a

partner they've made you into a partner

so it' be wam hog Taylor Clark that's

metal have to change the station yeah I

think we might get a discount though as

we're in the business 40% sometimes the

point is David my job is now available

and the board thought that either you or

Neil should take over the

role I can tell you now the board have

voted 5 to two in favor of you taking

the

job vot for me 52 there's only seven on

the board isn't it so it's five out of

seven now I did that's a landslide David

go on you've always made it very clear

that you're 100% committed to your

branch proberbly why I got that you do

understand that if you take on my job

Neil will stay in Swindon and your

branch will be downsized and

incorporated into his yep well I know

that you're very loyal to your family

here I'll be loyal to his I'll be loyal

to all the whole family it's one big

family yeah I'm just sensitive to the

fact that you have strong let's say

emotional ties to your team well yeah

but there is the emotion as good in

business syndrome sure not withstanding

the cruel to be kind scenario I'm sorry

David you BL me well you're not looking

at the whole pie Jenny war of hog is one

big pie and if they've let be in charge

of that one big pie I'll be in charge of

the the pie and the people of the fruit

and I I don't have time for the pie p

thing you don't want it no I'm saying

yeah okay I'll take the job please good

okay well the first step is to meet with

alen and the board yeah

what's 5 7 percentage uh

70%

71.4 so call Susan and arrange to meet

the board and finalize all the details

well congratulations and good luck yeah

you don't need luck when you got 71.4%

of the population behind

you she's still here

you

think the news what did you

say what's the

damage it's

complicated are you going to tell us

yeah

David by

you'd like to know now okay

right okay gather yeah you are um well

there's good news and bad news the bad

news is Nia will be taking over both

branches and some of you will lose your

jobs yeah yeah those of you who are kept

on will have to relocate the Swindon if

you want to yeah stay I know I know

gutting

gutting you you didn't see

me on a more positive note the good news

is I've been

promoted

so every

cloud you're still thinking about the

bad news aren't you yeah there no good

news David it's only bad news and

irrelevant news yeah that's not a phrase

though is it I couldn't come out and go

got some bad news and some irrelevant

news just told us about Neil kept your

promotion to yourself yeah should told

us the good news first got you happy no

good news David I think promotion is

genuinely considered good news we're

going to lose our jobs you're not all

going to lose your jobs God just right

you're not going to lose your job you're

not going to lose your job you know

you're not going to lose your job so

let's get it in perspective yeah okay

hello everyone um

for those of you that don't know me my

name is Neil Godwin hello hello for

those of you that do know me keep

stom um I'm a man of Simple Pleasures I

don't need lovely houses beautiful girls

and classy restaurants so it's a good

job I move to

slow no it's great to be in slow really

it is I've just spent a year in

Beirut now I know David is feeling a bit

worried about taking on all these new

staff because

as manager it's going to mean a lot more

responsibility he'll now have to

delegate twice as much

work but but there will be perks for him

I'm sure he's looking forward to having

a whole new group of men Underneath

Him Anyway here's the man at the top of

the pile David

Brent right you know he was saying there

about me being the top of the parliament

right saying I'm gay right I'm not gay

in fact I can honestly say I've never

come over a little

queerer that's get the real that's the

real that was just it was putting me off

welcome to slow to the to the new people

uh my name's David Brent and um I've

always been in the paper industry

haven't I yeah my um parents owned a

paper shop until it blew away it was

paper there better

okay yeah I'm not I'm not used to public

squeaking I piss pronunciate a lot of my

worms do you know that's the two Ron is

do you know like that that is classic

stuff turn the phone off that's part of

it if you're not concentrating you're

not going to enjoy it as

much Focus okay anyway good to have you

all here from Swindon cuz I hear they

dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon about

15 quids worth of

damage right okay let's

right oh good job Eric hitchmo isn't

here CU you know what he'd say I don't

agree with that in the workplace

wouldn't he oh imagine if uh Eric was a

Los Angeles detective be a bit weird

wouldn't it um yeah one final thing my

wife loved you but I don't agree with

that in the workplace what's that Eric

you've given up being a Los Sciences

detective and you started running a

hotel in t yes don't mention the War I

mentioned it once but I think I got I

don't agree with that in the workplace I

don't agree with that in the workplace

do you not know who Eric kmo is who's

been to the commentary

conference right so do you not know kmo

well yeah but I didn't know he talk like

that talks exactly like that Dy Gareth I

prefer the stuff you do about his little

hand I don't do stuff about his little

hand what you do the wanking claw

don't has everyone heard of Harry

Enfield has everyone heard of Harry

Enfield

yes right then okay then who's

this I do not believe you w to do that

only

me oh come on try some and

that's

oh um thank thanks David

thanks whatever

just okay there's uh there's plenty of

wine and and snacks uh left through

there so if you you want to help

yourself to do anything else

through

thanks

ah lunchtime gigs they the worst I think

near warmed up to be honest that's what

it went over he's not a professional

comedian so he was funny though but uh

often an AM to will stitch up

professional Le what I should have told

you right roal family Yeah Christmas day

had lunch sitting down Camila goes let's

play a game right let's play 20

questions I think at something and

you've got to guess what I'm thinking of

and what she's thinking of is a black

man's [ __ ] right so Charles goes uh is

it bigger than a bread bin she goes yes

Philip goes could I put it in my mouth

she goes yes so the queen goes is it a

black

a sorry were you doing a joke no that

was it what did the queen

say

didn't come on what was the joke it's

about the royal family playing 20

questons oh yeah yeah it's not the black

man's [ __ ] one is it you might be but I

don't bad it it's all right it's funny

H Miss well

done have you all met the uh this little

lady this

lady well it's a shame this had happen

on Neil's first day but well I've just

had a complaint from one of the new

intake what complaint I can't believe

that you think the way to welcome people

is by telling racist jokes wrong no way

but he'd heard it before right he

thought it was funny so I don't know why

he's complaining now he it was a woman

thought I assumed it was the the new guy

whoever it was is wrong cuz it isn't

racist what is it so what the joke the

gist of it won't be funny now would it I

don't care what's the

content royal family sitting at home

Christmas Day and uh Camila goes oh

let's play a game I think of Summer and

you have to guess what I'm thinking of

and what she's actually thinking of is a

black man's [ __ ]

so uh Charles goes um is it bigger than

the bread bin Camila goes yep so Philip

goes can I put it in my mouth cam goes

yep so the queen goes oh is it a black

man's

[ __ ] and he's heard it before so that's

the sort of there

yeah I can see why someone would find

that offensive it's not racist though is

it I don't say anything bad about black

people it's about a black man's [ __ ] why

is that racist it just happens to be a

black man's [ __ ] it could no you're

using the ethnic stereotype that all

black men have large penises because you

think that makes it funnier it's not an

insult though is it it's a compliment if

anything so so what you're saying is

that black people ought to be flattered

that their only achievement in this

world is having oversized genitalia I'm

saying they shouldn't be ashamed of them

it's a Miss I don't know Jennifer I

could show you a magazine where

literally could you well I haven't got

it with me but when you're next

in I could change it I could just say

big not mention the color well you could

or you could save those jokes for your

free time and not tell them in the

workplace it was his joke he told me it

yeah whatever David let's leave it there

you've heard my opinion on the matter

now should we go back outside

yeah she's uh right to be careful cuz uh

some of them can be a little bit

sensitive you know so sorry who who can

some some people can take things the

wrong way oh as an actor said to a

bishop and that's not a gay stereotype

the wrong way I'm not saying that is the

wrong way I'm saying it's a way and some

women like it the wrong way don't they

and they're straight it doesn't matter

if you're straight or gay you know a lot

of people are they're 1 in 10 apparent

that seems a bit High doesn't it but you

know if you you might be if you are good

luck to you you know just just make sure

it's legal and be safe okay

under

strengths you've just put accounts

yeah that's your job though that's just

that's

just no Keith what I sort of looking for

your skills within your job so is there

anything else you could have put

there oh okay

um under weaknesses you've put

eczema you had a fantastically welcoming

buffer the wine was something else

everyone's friend yeah everyone's and

Tim Tim seems nice yeah he a good

laugh I was just going to

um has he got a a

girlfriend why

what's why why

would

you um the equation yeah I know but I

mean if you weren't would he

be

key well you've left you've left this

section completely blank Keith you

haven't done the Q&A I thought that you

filled that in no no no no this is aimed

at you look um to what extent do you

believe that you have the skills and

knowledge to perform your job

effectively and then you just tick one

of the boxes not at all to some extent

very much so don't know what would you

tick don't

know

okay um question two uh do you feel you

have received adequate training to use

your computer

effectively what the options same as

they're always the same always the same

not at all to some extent very much so

don't know don't know don't know again

okay do you feel you are given the

flexibility to decide how best to

accomplish your

goals do you want the options again yeah

not at

all to some extent always the same very

much so don't know if don't know wasn't

there what would you put

well the option not at all to some

extent very much so don't know very much

so do you remember what the question was

no okay do you let's we're going to

leave that

there so if you want a really good pie

the gardeners

it's it's been a wash out in it yeah I

don't know why bother if uh no one else

going to make the effort you know we

have made the effort huh we have made

the

effort yeah I'm not having to go at you

it's just obiously the best people

haven't turned up and it's just I'm

going to shoot off back to the

office see

all

right what are you doing having a laugh

oh yeah yeah Pi a laughing public lunch

time selfish bit dangerous isn't it in

an office if you want to want to work

maybe you should work as it's quarter 2

yeah all right we're just finishing off

now yeah we're just finishing off just

want to be popular as the new boss oh

love me pathetic

um well I think we should uh call it a

day there Tim do you mind putting those

away guys can we go back to work um

pleas

sorry David can have a word please you

want um I'm confused I don't know what

just happened there but obviously you've

got a problem with something what is it

no time for work wasn't it that's what

you say that's work instead of mucking

around the office you see your attitude

confuses me if you don't want to tell me

what the problem is then fine but don't

speak to me like that in front of Staff

okay cuz you're acting like a petulent

kid young at

heart if you've got a problem come and

speak to me but don't stand out there

and embarrass me and yourself because I

will not stand for it okay I've been

trying to be nice I've been trying to

deal with this situation delicately

because I was mildly embarrassed that we

were equivalent and now I'm your boss

but that's the deal live with it I don't

let anyone talk to me the way you just

did not my staff not my boss no one and

certainly not you do you understand yeah

do you understand stand good look you're

a good bloke Dave and if there's a

problem I'd rather discuss it sensibly

and have to have these little chats all

right Shake on it great thank

you I'll see you guys later okay all

right yeah cheers NE have a good night

did you hear that did you hear any of

the conversation there no I just out

with Neil he showed his true colors

didn't he what do you mean he's all

right he seems like a good BL what you

think oh that's better not say anything

then watch your back slacking you off

what slacking you off yeah well me

personally yeah yeah with just me yeah

and you sling all you what did you

saying just going oh you a lot of

rubbish I was going

a lot of rubber sh s a lot of

[ __ ] and he got got aggressive and I

went berserk

yeah if I had done need to come through

that wall I don't know he's pretty trim

mate yeah I gu karate so David what did

he actually say about us just just like

like can you laugh I he SW little slugs

little slugs with no personality and

just jealous that we're better at

everything than

you I tell you what a serious night if

he did kick off do get out I don't want

you not getting it it's not worth it

I'll just step in if you want let be big

boy [ __ ] mate cheers use it one hit him

really hard above the ears caus a vacuum

in the brain kills him instantly I

wouldn't want him to die I'd want to

keep little [ __ ] alive with the [ __ ] I

was going to put on

him oh my

God even

shocked you

did one size

I just sorry can I just look at the face

look at the face SC look at the face I

can't believe touching that why

look you don't know where that's been

made well I do know where it's it's been

in a box no I mean at the factory you

don't know what Factory you got your

amazing mind again in my experience

women who work in factories are slappers

so don't know

what thank you everybody for my lovely

present they're

malleable MH and you know that that's

what I like really I don't like people

coming here with uh or we did it this

way we did it that way I just want to

go do it this way if you like if you

don't team playing te I call it team

individuality it's a new it's like a

management style again guilty unorthodox

sue me is but you know you what you

nothing ever changes by staying the

same quite

literally hi guys hello all right you

like that don't you what is that because

it looks like yours yeah it's identical

Well mine's not that size it's very very

tiny but it is made of plastic mine's

massive and it ain't made of

plastic I dare to go and put it in

vent's

office why it's a dare yeah I know but

he's he's having a meeting with Neil I

can't yeah well that's kind of the

challenge mate or why would IA that cuz

it'll make me laugh I'll do it I'll do

it it's all right all you got to do is

just you know go in there and hide it in

there somewhere that's just hide it yeah

simple it couldn't be easier

straightforward come in sorry to hi um

just wondered

if that's embarrassing I've completely

forgotten what I came in for I'm sorry

about that um what's G on come on come

on

Tim get it back no to late night oh no

sorry it's totally gone don't worry

about it I'm holding your folder sorry

um I just no it's gone BC come back no

more beef as you're here um there's

something you can do for me my lot

haven't even been down to the warehouse

yet okay um it'd be would you mind take

them down just point not to see you one

organization I think it be quite a good

idea for everyone to to know everyone

else if you just tell Glenn I said it's

okay tell tell tell happy that I said it

was okay and that NE agrees with me okay

that's thanks

re sorry that was brilliant did you see

where it went went on the

folder I'm going to phone da no I'm

going to write things for you to say can

come here and then I'm going to phone

David and I want you to say exactly what

I write down okay no way you make me

sound like a bender no look I swear I

won't it'll just be it'll just be funny

things it'll come out cute and I'm not

I'm not going to say anything that makes

me sound like a Bend hello hi it's

Gareth hi I'm in a meet a moment Gareth

yeah um just going to say you a few

things all right you're you're doing a

great

job okay just employee saying what a

superb job I'm

doing is that it no no I like your

little

beard okay is that it one one more thing

what um you should wear tighter

trousers can I give you a call back yeah

bye that was genius thank you genius

genius

[Laughter]

uh

brilliant we have a website with

profiles of all our speakers on them

would you mind answering a few questions

no go for it okay if you could have a

working lunch with anyone living or dead

who would it

be Martin Luther King and the Dalai

Lama and Rory Bremner

just to because they get a bit heavy

couldn't they two of them and need lien

things up probably do impressions of

them and

me what's your biggest

disappointment alt and

Towers oh I've never been it's rubbish

next

hello still doing practical

jokes trying to do some work now should

be giving them a rest no I've got some

yeah what' you

got

oh what I used to do Lo what were

they oh but you know we can we can think

of some we could yeah absolutely we

could think new ones yeah okay let's

think of some good ones for who for what

about Gareth Poss it's about time he had

some tricks played with him I think what

would your motto be

well I've noticed that some bosses are

intimidated by training their staff up

too well they don't I don't mind it I

actually like my staff to be better than

me that way you know it keeps me on my

toes so my motto would be be careful cuz

there's always someone ready to step

into your shoes and do your job better

than

you do it

he I'm gluing the

phone in the name of fun he will hate

[Music]

you you cooked it sorry this just little

little birthday P for TR so birthday

organize this

I over the top it how much that cost you

we're paying you too much I made it

myself made it

yourself every

year oh it's sweet in it too rich really

nice you want tast lemon drizz cak even

really I prefer a

FL going go carting again at the weekend

with the

lads oh yeah what down super carts y you

any good came first last time I went 8

minutes 51 got a

certificate yeah well I went down there

the first day opened right and I did a

couple of laps I pulled over BL the runs

the thing came over and said o no

professionals I took my helmet off I

said I'm not a professional he said

you're not a professional I said no he

said well you should be if I was you I'd

take up Formula 1 and if you drive like

that You' probably be the best in the

country so I'm not interested on making

shitloads out of computers

you had to go Speedway have you yep

right well I was doing it once and um I

was bombing it round and some idiot had

left like a a ramp thing out L bugs I

could see the people were going oh my

God if that guy hits that ramp going at

that speed he's definitely dead I hit

the ramp I took off in the air I turned

over in the air they were going well

he's definitely dead now I landed on my

wheels pulled over and said what we

worried

about uh about five five and so who was

this check with again what's this in the

mother's meeting so Dawn tells me

shutting down reception at

5: wow just half hour early today you

think it can run C

that yeah phones are go they can answer

their own they do their own post tonight

just that's good so we can probably lose

her all together then can we what do you

mean well if you don't need a

receptionist we may as well let her go

you know either she's needed or she's

not we do need a receptionist my point

is David you haven't put a system in

place you know for your own needs you've

told Dawn to shut down reception at 5:

you haven't told these people they pick

up the phone if it rings I mean does

Dawn know that they can do their own

post Dawn they can do their own post

tonight yeah there no yeah know he's

telling her now say there's no system in

place you're not thinking things through

I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking David

all right chill out don't have a cow

mate don't talk to me like you've

forgotten who's in charge let me remind

you I'm your boss okay yeah just try and

think things

through that was your fault again took

the r for you didn't I you

once right when Bruce Lee was filming

one of the extras just came over and

just started a fight oh yeah I know this

and it was amazing at coming through but

Bruce Lee just did a roundhouse on him

well no he smashed him through a wall

instead of firing him he just said go

back to where you were let's get over

the fil man those cats were as fast as

Lightning you know when he's fighting

Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragon no you

not seen that no have you not I can't

that is a classic no not seen him fight

chat Norris in Enter the Dragon I've

seen him fight chat Norris in way of the

Dragon that's what I meant that's what I

is it yeah why did you say' seen him

fight Chuck Norris and Enter the Dragon

he fights Bob Wall in both but Norris is

only in way of the Dragon yeah I know so

when he's fighting CH Norris in what in

way of the Dragon correct at last

um you know Bruce Lee is not really dead

don't you yes it's in a book what he did

was he faked his own death so he could

work undercover for the Hong Kong police

infiltrating drugs gangs in the Triads

yeah I reckon that's true yeah I reckon

that's true cuz if you were going to

send someone undercover to investigate

the Triads you'd probably want the

world's most famous Chinese film

star well gone off Dawn now have you

what

what what are you talking

about just shut up shut up

[Applause]

thank you very much it's quite AIT in

there you can add that to yours if you

like all right cheers I've already

raised more than that in a way cheers

anyway could we did last time so and if

you want to danc in should have come to

me didn't if you want I know you'd

rehears that as a plan big time

more more stuff than that as well yeah I

sort of fused Flash Dance with MC Hammer

[ __ ] all right mate well let's you know

show us your moves there's no

beat you

music well

let just for a little

[Music]

bit d

[Music]

[Laughter]

so and that's play Dave yeah

well a bit warning next time you might

get we don't have to give a donation for

that do we well don't say it like that

all the money collected is for both

dances both excellent dances in there

well you know if there is a difference

mine was impromptu you so but I don't

think you should get extra points for

that necessarily make your own minds up

leave me out of it I'm collecting for

charity right so

uh you've seen me entertain and raise

money but maybe I'd like to do that in

the future for a living you know use my

humor and my profile to both help and

amuse people you know and if it's ideas

for TV shows you know game shows or

whatever you want I'm your man you know

I'm already exploring the entertainment

Avenue with my management training but

you know I'd like to do that on a global

scale really and that's not going oh

look at me today I'm entertaining whilst

saving lives aren't I brilliant it's

going if you think I'm brilliant then

give generously and help save these guys

who are starving but are also brilliant

not as entertainers a lot of them can't

even speak English but you know don't

give their own game show but um save

them from dying at least and then maybe

they could you know do something in

their own country on television or

whatever they have the wireless or I

don't know something give them give him

a job on the world service or

something excuse me DAV um yes can can

we have another quick word not now no

I'm literally running downstairs this

minute um the gazetta coming in to take

my picture so uh I'm going to be in the

paper well wam hog are going to be in

the paper free advertising so that's not

why I'm doing it this shouldn't take

long okay um sorry to bring this on you

now um we've been discussing something

you said earlier and it's it's certainly

something we've been thinking about as

well

um we'd like to offer you a very

generous redundancy

package are you offering me or you

telling me you got to take it um we're

telling you you've got to take it we

will put in a proper meeting

tomorrow it's a good timing and it

telling me that

today the day of

laughter

brilliant that's that ruined isn't it

that's what I

was little pockets and

everything so now I'll try and go down

there and be

funny it's going to

be good is

it with

that going

through I knew you were up to Summer

planning summer Jennifer do you agree

with this because we

can I'll be all right don't well with me

I've got other irons in the fire so this

is the best thing that's ever happened

to me to be honest but I'm going to love

to see you telling that lot out there

cuz you are going to have a muty on your

hands they will go

berserk

definitely if that's it can you leave

now

please go on I've got stuff to do I've

got I've got laughter just I've got

money to raise mouths to feed thanks for

your time yeah

yeah you wondering what that meeting was

just about in

there that's

it I've been my

redundant

yeah after it was me who saved others

from redundancy and then it's back

good day

young um oh I said you lot of go

mental and I got to go and give

laughter

but see

it huh

okay you just want to make it

P

yeah just run around a

bit yeah

good

yeah here we are the mad

house all right

Tim yeah all right what here just write

an article on me for inside paper

are you wondering Ben are you wondering

who that is well I'll tell you all if

you're wondering who this stranger is

wandering around she's writing an

article on me for inside paper where

have you been where else we' missed me

telling everyone she's writing an

article on me for

in subject

matter

right what do you want to know do you

mind if I talk to some of your staff

later why well my train doesn't leave to

1:30 so I'll hang about if that's okay

and have a chat with well I want to see

what they say for I'm not going to put

anything nasty in it's say anything

nasty

so

okay right so would you like to tell me

about your individual outlook on

management sure um

put David Bren is refreshingly laidback

for a man with such responsibility yeah

can you can you just answer in your own

words and I'll I'll work it up later

um Brent mused and then repli do you

just say what's uh on your mind and I'm

getting it down well are you getting it

down cuz you're not doing Shand and I'm

going to be

pretty just wow okay your question I

suppose was is it difficult to remain

authoritative and yet so popular no that

was my question well well should I

answer that one first sorry no can we

just stick to my questions well maybe

you should be clear what the question is

because I'm getting a little bit and

that's you know

okay but that's what he's on the

offensive what's so what's so funny

nothing

nothing I was just

um I was I was talking to um Emma about

what what is that um that Pub we went to

on Friday Oh's Keenan hello hi baby it's

an all right are you coming around

tonight uh can't going up for chases

with the lads oh come on first we'll

have a bit of time together all right

have some fun yep okay are you um going

to bring the toys again

um

yeah

okay yeah look forward to doing it to

you too all right

bye the toys shut up what are the toys

is it back a room

not Boggle is it shut up if it's klun

I'm coming out it was actually a private

phone call so don't put it on speaker

phone and

guys yeah Johnny farmer is off is it

Hungry

[Laughter]

Hippo private life then just to flesh

out David Brent the man is there a

better

H David quipped why buy a book when you

can join the

library so you play the

well I'm not going around like using

chicks and [ __ ] but I'm just you know

chilling out while I'm young I suppose

so and is there a chick in at the moment

oh I don't kiss and tail I'm just trying

to find out if you're in a relationship

at the moment oh Brent says no

comment right so you don't have a

girlfriend wow what is a

girlfriend and there someone you'd have

sex with oh I don't get Co in a magazine

for the public I don't think you're

going to pull it to for Filth

all right D yep fine you y good small

talk done okay thanks very much um

everyone really appreciates what you've

done

yeah okay down to

business um that's what we've come up

with as a redundancy

offer more than I expected

we've been quite generous bad

Bing now um you can leave on the 3 with

your holiday I understand which is

Tuesday now we wondered if you wanted to

come back for a party on the Friday or

leave on the Friday

before

whatever okay well again thanks very

much D don't make me

redundant please

look David I don't I've changed my mind

I don't want redundancy I don't want

that I haven't signed anything so

well D unfortunately it's not really up

to you okay then sorry all right then

well I'm asking okay please don't make

redundant you can you can talk to

someone

Jenny the wheels are already in motion

no we'll stop them because David we're

not going to discuss this now but just

say that it's not definite now before

you go and we

can I will try twice hard I really will

I have been complacent and I I'll turn

this place around if we just say that

that it's not definite now and then we

can um are you're not going until you're

starting from now starting from now

life is just a series of Peaks and

troughs and you don't know whether

you're in a trough until you're climbing

out or on a peak until you're coming

down and that's it you know you never

know what's around the corner uh but

it's all good yeah um yeah if you want

the rainbow you've got up with the

rain do you know which philosopher said

that Dolly Parton

yeah and people say she's just a big

pair of

tits it's a little bit different now

though because um Gareth is not general

manager as such like I was when I was

here I was sort of omnipotent and uh is

doing a much more water down version of

the just because of your redundancy

thing they couldn't call the job the

same thing and he sued them so did you

WI oh yes had to pay you off didn't they

yeah out of court settlement so quite a

lot of money waste your most of it

though I didn't waste it tell it what

you spend it

on I released my own single so if that's

a waste of money well it is a waste of

money cuz you didn't even get in the top

100 good didn't want it to

next how much did that cost put out a

single uh cost is a bit misleading

because um I I was paying for everything

I paid for the studio time PR cost all

myself rly how much do you think you

spend roughly £42,000 h

uh you know that's that's all outgo so

that's not taking into account the money

I made from the singles sold so uh you

know how much did you make um well cuz I

had my own record label J to position

records um I was taking the line share

so I was making a clear1 profit for

every single Sal how many records did

you

sell uh 50 something like that the over

all sorry

150 that was mainly to friends and

family and people in you and they were

only buying sympathy definitely not so

he's I bought five out of sympathy no

you bought one for your mates

so they're still in the garage

[Music]

what you will never never never know me

[Music]

ooh all the things

[Music]

that we've been

[Music]

through you shouldn't understand

me like I understand

you now girl I know the

difference between right and

wrong or I ain't going to do

nothing to break up my happy

[Music]

home oh I don't get so excited

I get home a little late at

night cuz we only act like

children when we argue F and

fight you don't know me by now if you

don't know me you will never never never

know

me no you won't

no if you don't know Me by if you don't

know me you will never never never know

me no you

won't okay Kim it's time to meet the two

that you turned down you turned down

contestant number one from Big Brother

that is

[Applause]

Bubbles hey you've lost him did you like

him did you like him yeah yeah we have

lost him I'm afraid you also turned down

contestant number two from the office

that is of course David

[Laughter]

[Applause]

brenty who the [ __ ] that who are

you what have you been on before nothing

so don't wanker you're the wanker mate

if anyone is

who' you think that win from my point of

view yeah brilliant

money money for old rope you know but um

you saw how many idiots out there paying

8 quid each so uh call me a wanker

they're the wanker so uh I'm just taking

the money so uh they haven't even been

on the Telly do you know what I

mean never work with am has learned me

lesson don't know what they're doing

what so uh what you said I'm saying that

we knew the answers so I'm reading that

and I'm doing my bit and then she starts

going what was that [ __ ] what was that

[ __ ] what was your [ __ ] come it's only

bit of fun yeah if I want advice off you

mate it' be about mortgages so uh

yeah right can I retaliate I can't hit a

woman but I can certainly retaliate so

can I have some beer please thank you

very much do you like it oh should I put

that on you

brilliant twice I was already wet so the

jokes on

it chart oh I could

have you should get that dry clean

before you take it back huh you should

get that dry clean before you take it

back they'll take you deposit you reckon

yeah you Reon they take if it's ripped

little bit ripped do you reckon they if

it's a little bit [ __ ]

ripped you're cracking

you want another

beer was that my beer yeah what you

don't want me to get

yes I've only got you got any change

take it out of that

[Music]

look at that 41 look 30 look at those

yes pile yeah if she's got a good

personality mind you though it says it's

a recent photo how can you be sure

though that could have been taken when

she was 30 I think they she have to have

a picture taken with a copy of today's

newspaper so all right hi he okay yeah

busy y uh Gareth I'll be back at 3: I

need to have a chat with you then okay

okay uh see you at the Christmas party D

see you then you still need the two

tickets do you you're still bringing a

lady friend for the party yeah good look

forward to meeting

you no come on with

go no

everybody if I can have your attention

please short

announcement okay uh for those of you

who care or liked her Dawn Tinsley will

be coming in this afternoon if you never

heard of her before uh she was just a

receptionist worked here for some years

um her and her fiance Lee went to

Florida and yes Tim that's uh fiance if

you know what that word means um

uh maybe want to keep your thoughts to

yourself this

time all right back to it then

please hey I know what it's like I

worked in a lot of places over the years

and the number of infatuations bles have

had over

me oh God I'm me another car have me but

don't stop them I don't want it is about

me they light so

much I'm rcking my

brains this is nice isn't it

yeah see what's on offer

nice no your necklace I

wasn't I don't think so although funnily

enough the reason women wear necklaces

is to draw attention to the breasts I

don't no I mean subconsciously S no I

don't I wear this because my mother gave

it to me before she died yeah well I

mean she probably W to draw attention to

hers but I mean sorry can we not talk

about my dead mother's

breasts duck

[Music]

Pat I wasn't being Ned but I was now I'm

just interested in

breasts no um anthropology sort of all

that what signals we give off I'm not

giving off any signals no no we all are

I was a program on um Discovery Channel

interesting it was uh you know the

reason why men are attracted to to

cleavage it's because it reminds us of

women's bcks because I suppose

presumably when we were cavemen we used

to sort of do you from behind so we like

the and then we evolved and probably

turned you over when language came into

either chat or just to look at the

breast that reminded us of the buttocks

in the first place

can we not talk about breasts full

stop you want to stter no let's go

straight to the main

course yeah I spoke to her on the phone

seemed quite nice so uh feel a bit sick

really not nerves um excitement really

not sexual you know um she said to be

wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me

spot her so um oh the [ __ ]

David

huh yeah hi sus yeah yeah can I get you

a drink no get one have you got one you

going sit down I'll get one

said on your form you like classical

music did he yeah yeah you

yes who do you like all the big ones all

the big names I love greed oh he's good

a he yeah not as good as B though I

think he's generally considered to be

the best baen which baen all the all his

main hits all the big on yeah yeah yeah

totally

de is

he all I'm a musician myself and all

those stuff he came up with I I don't

think he could have done better if he

could have heard what he was playing in

my

opinion what else is

um what else do you like don't have to

just talk about classical music we talk

about anything I talk so famous for we

talk about anything any subject you name

a subject and I but you name you name

some and I'll tell you an interesting

fact about it sort of trivia or S what

sort of thing

anything you can get this huh cows cows

cows have got four

stomachs

right don't me like that you said c

choose anything choose

anything lemons lemons well I can CH

something no you said lemons but on that

do

uh pound for pound there's more sugar in

a lemon than a

strawberry well I wouldn't know if that

was true or not wow you would cuz I just

told you it is I'm not a liar no no look

it up when you get home is that your uh

party trick not a trick is it knowledge

education don't you

so how do you feel that way um well not

Bal over to be

honest in fact I'm seriously thinking of

asking for money back under the trades

descriptions at because this is the

recent photo she sent

in i' don't been up for

that and what really annoys me is when I

first saw her I thought oh God and then

I thought well you know maybe she's got

a good personality she

hasn't I thought she'd be one of them

sort of happy bubbly ones cuz we're

eating

she's nothing you know I not talking

about me you couldn't hear that anyway

could you

no

right

so would you want to do this again with

you yes wouldn't have thought so I yeah

see you

later what did you think of him well he

wasn't quite what I

expected can I show you the photo we

sent in

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
fooled /fuːld/ A2	verb - to deceive or trick someone
descriptions /dɪˈskrɪpʃənz/ A2	noun - a spoken or written account of something or someone
absolutely /ˈæbsəluːtli/ A2	adverb - completely or totally
mad /mæd/ A1	adjective - mentally ill or insane
literally /ˈlɪtərəli/ A2	adverb - in a literal sense or manner
accounts /əˈkaʊnts/ A2	noun - a record of financial transactions
recycling /riːˈsaɪklɪŋ/ A2	noun - the process of converting waste materials into new materials and objects
obviously /ˈɒbviəsli/ A2	adverb - in a way that is obvious or easily perceived
concentrate /ˈkɒnsənˌtreɪt/ A2	verb - to focus one's attention or mental effort on something
overlapping /ˌoʊvərˈlæpɪŋ/ B1	adjective - extending over the same area or time
demarcation /ˌdiːmɑːrˈkeɪʃən/ B2	noun - the act of marking or defining a boundary
presume /prɪˈzjuːm/ B1	verb - to suppose or assume something to be true without proof
batteries /ˈbætəriz/ A2	noun - devices that store chemical energy and convert it into electrical energy
petty /ˈpɛti/ B1	adjective - of minor importance or on a small scale
comedy /ˈkɒmədi/ A2	noun - a genre of film, television, or literature that aims to amuse and make people laugh

Key Grammar Structures

• all right the number bods do not be fooled by their job descriptions they are absolutely mad all of them especially that one he's mental not literally obviously that wouldn't work

  ➔ Present Continuous (do not be fooled)

  ➔ The phrase "do not be fooled" uses the present continuous tense to emphasize an ongoing action or warning.

• last place you'd want something like that is in accounts this is the uh recycling bin right obviously we get through a lot of paper we make a lot sell it yeah doesn't grow on trees you know yeah it's p okay

  ➔ Conditional (last place you'd want)

  ➔ The phrase "last place you'd want" uses the conditional to express a hypothetical situation or preference.

• what you doing Gareth what are you doing I'm just pushing the stuff off my desk I can't concentrate on your desk it was it's all overlapping it's all coming over the edge here

  ➔ Present Continuous (what are you doing)

  ➔ The question "what are you doing" uses the present continuous to ask about an action happening at the moment.

• send them out to get the plants the girls can makees them a little bit happier uh cuz they can sometimes get a little bit want get some batteries for Billy Big Mouth

  ➔ Modal Verb (can makees them)

  ➔ The phrase "can makees them" uses the modal verb "can" to express ability or possibility.

• you're a [__] Gareth you're a [__] and a end I'm still not listening so it's not offending me right okay so you won't hear this you're a [__] you're a [__] you're a [__] you're a [__]

  ➔ Present Simple (you're a [__])

  ➔ The phrase "you're a [__]" uses the present simple to make a statement about a habitual or general truth.

• gareth's my right hand man immediately beneath me oh there's an actual Central Bishop no he's not I'm not tell know about your car and your kung fu and everything

  ➔ Possessive Adjective (gareth's my)

  ➔ The phrase "gareth's my" uses the possessive adjective "gareth's" to show ownership.

• what's going on put my ster inside a jelly again that's the third time he's done it wasn't even funny the first time why has he done that told him once that I don't like jelly

  ➔ Present Perfect (that's the third time he's done it)

  ➔ The phrase "that's the third time he's done it" uses the present perfect to describe an action that occurred in the past with a result in the present.

• how do you know it's yours cuz it's got my name on it in tipex yeah don't eat it now chemicals right you can be my witness give him an official warning

  ➔ Present Simple (it's got my name)

  ➔ The phrase "it's got my name" uses the present simple to describe a current state or fact.