– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

[dial tone]

[ ♫ intro theme in background ♫ ]

[Male employee] Papa John's...

[Ethan] Hi,

Is Pa- Is Papa in the house?

- Who?

- Papa?

- Mmhm.

- Okay great,

can I get a sodie pop and a pizza pie please?

I'm a fan of the Papa.

And when Papa's in the house, I order sodie pops

so just one sodie pop.

[Employee] Yeah, I know but he's not here, you know what I'm saying?

[intro music stops] - Wait, Papa's not in the house?

- No.

- Oh, shit.

Wait I thought at the beginning you said Papa was in the house.

- No-no-no-no.

- Aw man, okay I'll call a different store.

- Alright.

- Thank you.

♪ [intro theme] ♪ Wow, Ethan

♪ [intro theme] ♪ great moves.

♪ [intro theme] ♪ Keep it up. Proud of you.

♪

[keyboard typing sound]

♪

[Ethan, imitating Papa John] Welcome.

Welcome to Papa's House.

- Welcome!

- Today I come to you bearing great news, my friends.

We have hit...

two million subscribers! - Woo!

[clapping]

(shoot your ear to hear)

[Hila giggles]

- Ahh, man!

- Ugh!

- This stinks, right? - It stinks!

- This fu—

*sniffs*

[Ethan Klein Cough™: Stench Edition™]

DUDE!

[Hila laughs]

Just a tip guys: if you ever want to send us a shirt,

(voice recoils due to stench) please wash it first.

[retches]

- It smells like a working man.

- Some fuckin' Papa John employee, God bless you, Papa bless you,

I appreciate the thought, I mean,

it's a nice—it's a wonderful gift!

But maybe...

It smell—it's got like a cigarette burn

and it smells like sweat and sewage

[Ethan Klein Cough™]

[fist slams on table]

But, I do think that I—

First of all,

I need to put up all the buttons

because Papa John's is a job that deserves reverence and respect

and you need to zip up all the buttons.

First of all, I feel like this is a glimpse into my future.

[Hila laughs]

When this channel fails and we never reach 3 million,

this is the job that I'm gonna be working

- Well don't worry,

'cause someone sent us this

- Both of us, dude! You think you're gonna—

Dude me and Hila are gonna be Team Papa John!

- I'll be joining you.

Papa, if you're watching this, we have promoted your product tirelessly

for the last years.

You owe us a job when all of this falls apart

and fuckin' Papa, Shatner, Beau!

You guys owe us.

Anyway, someone sent us this uniform,

and I think it's terrific.

- Yeah - But, basically,

[the violent cough of a thankful Ethan]

Wash it, please! Next time.

I feel like I shouldn't have worn this.

Oh God.

Now since one million subs, we've been collecting a lot of fan mail

and even though we don't put our P.O. Box out, people, the dedicated people,

find a way to find it.

- They find it. - I don't know how they find it but they find it.

and they send us the weirdest shit ever.

Okay, now basically,

just a couple of days ago this thing arrived. I'm just gonna show you.

I don't know what's inside of it.

I don't know how the fuck we're gonna get it out.

[the cough of a strong Ethan]

[the cough of a successful Ethan]

[Hila laughs]

[Hila]: Should we be scared?

- I'm—I'm always scared that somebody's gonna send us anthrax.

What if this is a huge, elaborate ploy to get me to breathe anthrax?

Like I would never suspect it in this... painting box

If you guys send me anthrax, I'm gonna be so pissed, dude!

I'm gonna get dilapidated, I'm gonna lose my ability to talk,

and then I'm gonna end up delivering Papa John's pizza pies to you guys

and then you're gonna meme me hard someone's gonna record me

coming to the door in my Papa John's suit.

Did you seriously tell me to open this with a power tool??

Dude, I can torque like a thousand BPMs!

[Hila]: This is gonna take forever!

But here's the thing...

We're gonna open this last.

'Cause I'm gonna bait you to watch this whole video and trust me when I say:

there's surprises throughout this video, and if you skip to the end

you are gonna miss out on SO much.

So I'm gonna put this to the side...

Ah, shit!

Fuck!

Agh!

Fuck!

Shit!

Well this is probably my favorite item we're received so far,

which we call the Beanie King.

And this—this was really something special.

I've never seen a beanie of this caliber before;

it makes me feel more like a man.

[Hila chuckles] When I wear this. You know what I mean?

I'm just gonna wear this just to kinda rock the Papa King

- So... - So let's start, Hila! What have we got?

- We got a drawing of you.

- REALLY??

I really like it because I don't ever need to imagine anymore

what I'll look like as a true broccoli assassin.

[Hila laughs]

- So we got this... weed beanie.

- BLAAAAAAZE!

That's definitely for you.

NEXT!

- Some...

some kind of hat with a beard.

- This is a new level of beanie-ness.

This take the beanie game to the next level. Let me try it on.

I feel like there's people in Brooklyn that walk around with this unironically.

You know what I mean? [Hila laughs]

- It fits you!

- It feels good.

The mouth hole really fits naturally over your face.

I gotta say, Hila, you make a pretty handsome guy.

Like,

I straight up- - Thank you.

I would straight up...

Pssh. Yeah, dude.

I would jump the fence for you right now.

I am both gay and straight for you, Hila. That's true love, honestly.

- I appreciate that. - Hell yeah, dude.

NEEEEEXT!

WEW!

Oh myyyy goood!

This one truly shocked me when I opened it.

I'm like a little dying baby!

[Hila loses hope]

I look like a little dying baby!

It's like as if I came out of my... out of the womb wearing a beanie

and had a mustache.

I mean, I appreciate your gift, Kerry, and that you made it by hand,

but I can't have this in the same house as me.

Okay? It's disturbing.

It freaks me out. When I look at it, I'm scared.

- I'll keep it next to our bed.

- I'm gonna wake up next to it and fuckin' have an existential crisis.

I'm afraid that when me and Hila have a baby...

That it's gonna come out

LIKE THIS. - oh my god.

With a beard and a little beanie, coughing.

[Hila]: ...yeah that's pretty much it.

[Ethan Klein Baby Cough™]

I mean, I don't know what you were trying to say with this one, dawg.

Apparently this is like a 200 dollar toothbrush... a 300 dollar toothbrush

so I appreciate the gesture,

but what the fuck's the message?

Like who would just send you a $300 electric toothbrush?

What's the— what's the... well—

Like what am I supposed to take from this?

Am I supposed to be flattered that you fuckin' thought of me?

That you think I need better oral hygiene?

- This looks pretty serious...

- That's what I'm saying!

He's like "Dawg, I'm not gonna send you ANY electric toothbrush,

"I'm gonna send you the top-of-the-line one

"because you need all the help you can get."

"Trust me."

I should be using this, by the way.

To be honest, this is like...

Oh my god, that's powerful!

YEE-HOO!!!

It tickles my lips!

[blood-curdling scream]

It's like a mouth vibrator, seriously, try that.

I can't use it; it tickles my lips, it's too strong.

- Woah.

Aaah!

- It tickles the lips!

It's a lip-tickler!

- That's crazy.

- Excuse me, guys I'm just gonna...

Hila, I'm gonna need a minute to brush my teeth, you know what I'm saying?

[Lip Tickler™ vibrating]

DON'T COME IN, MOM,

I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH!

- Okay, next we got a poster. - This one is fucking crazy.

Here I'll take one side.

Oh

my

GOD!

[Hila]: Can you see everything?

[Ethan]: Okay, well, let's give them a panorama here... start from here

There we are.

It's like the Sistine Chapel, It's like a classic Leonardo da Vinci over here.

Here I am

- And then let's move it

- Oh my God,

Papa John is God.

If you guys wanna watch, there's a time lapse video of the guy painting it.

I'll put the link in the description

and, uh, check that out.

Anyway, thank you.

And now...

Now

It's time

To get back on this fucking thing

[dramatic build-up music]

[the cough of a hard-working Ethan]

[cough]

Dude, I'm tired

I just

It's just one thing

I mean, I can't

It's too much to

- I thought you said you were gonna do it, we gotta open this thing

[in despair] AWHH, I CAN'T DO IT

Hila: what are you doing?

Taking a break, dude

I need to char- fuel up

[Ethan groans]

It's too hard.

I'm never gonna get in, dude.

Don't record me.

You fucking kidding me?

It's empty

It's completely empty

PSYCH!

OH

MY

FUCKING

GAWD

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD

OH

MY

FUCKING [Hila]: Wow.

GOD

[Hila]: This is crazy.

- This is pretty much, officially, the greatest gift of all time.

I'm gonna be one of those guys who has a portrait of himself

over his fireplace, like one of them psychopaths. [Hila bursts laughing] - Yeah!

- But I didn't make it.

[Hila laughs]

Hoo, my god!

Who drew— Is this a...

Is this a Leonardo da Vinci original?

[Hila laughs]

Who drew this?

I'm speechless, Hila.

I'm so flattered.

- I feel like we got a serious, like, van Gogh, or something.

- This is serious art! - Yeah.

- I feel like I don't even wanna be on the show any more;

I'm just gonna cover my face and put this now. This is me.

Guys, no longer— Ethan is off the show

It's just a portrait of Ethan now, with a voice.

This is it.

This is who I am now.

So this portrait was drawn by this amazing artist named Vic Harris.

So the link is in the description; definitely check out ya boy Vic Harris.

And a big thank you for the g— I think, the greatest gift ever. - Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just amazing.

Well, thank you, guys, for all the amazing gifts.

- Yeah.

- Thank you, guys, for all the thoughtful, kind support.

Hitting 2 million— I mean, a million was our unattainable dream. - Yeah.

- TWO million— - A million was something we never thought we could achieve.

- We're like "maybe in five years".

Y'know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- Two million is beyond our wildest dreams.

And we just honestly can't thank you guys enough for all the love

and support you guys have always shown us.

We love our community, and we are just so grateful for you guys.

Accepting us, inviting us into your life and letting be a part... of your life.

Because I'm always watching... and I wanna know what you're up to.

When you're in the shower, when you're in bed, I will always be watching and I want to know.

- That's weird.

- It's not weird. I'm just sayin', we're part of their life, Hila, whether you want it or not.

[knocking on door]

[Hila]: Uh-oh.

[in background] (Wow, Ethan, great moves!) [outro theme plays]

(Keep it up, proud of you!)

[Ethan]: Hey, how's it going?

Thanks, 'preciate ya.

Papa bless ya.

Have a good day, Papa bless.

Say hi to Beau.

[louder] Say hi to Beau.

[Pizza deliverer]: Beau?

- He's in the house.

- Alright... thank you!

- Bye.

[door shuts] [outro theme cuts off] What?!

This is what I got?!

I got a two liter sodie pop, Papa John.

This— nobody sells this.

How am I supposed to celebrate with this?

[disappointing sodie pop thud]

This is how we celebrate two million, guys.

You think we're living, like, a very luxurious life.

Like, wow, two million subs, YouTubers are doing good, like

wow, everyone assumes we're, like, rich now.

This is it.

This is our fuckin' celebration in this shithole.

Everyone thinks 'Oh, you live in New York; you're rich. Ah, YouTubers'.

This is our life, guys.

One peperoncini, some fuckin' heart attack shit schmutz.

Okay? And one tiny, little, diet fuckin' cola.

This is my life, guys.

Wow, we made it, dude! We fucking made it!

See you guys out on the street. I'll be delivering Papa John pizzas before we hit three million.

Watch, I'm sure of it.

Fuck this, dude.

Man, fuck this. Hila, don't— don't, dude.

Stop.

[Hila]: But, we gon' celebrate.

- Okay, let's do it.

[outro theme continues]

♪

[low-tempo intro theme beat]

[audience chatter]

[applause]

Guys,

the Chub 'n' Tuck

is a simple maneuver.

Okay? It only requires two basic ingredients.

You got your Chub...

[wolf-whistle]

You've got your Tuck.

Guys, it ba— it's elementary.

Okay? This is one-on-one here. Now...

the perfect Chub n' Tuck is mid-waist.

Waist needs to be...

[Ethan Klein Cough™]

...high.

Now, unfortunately

not everyone is born with a beautiful Chub 'n' Tuck body

and sorry to break it— reality to you guys: but hey, life's not fair.

Okay, Hila, you know what? You fucked that up, okay? [Hila laughs]

You gotta work on your mimicking. - I know, I tried.

- It's embarrassing. - I tried.

- We're trying to sell this shit, like—

[outro theme plays]

I mean, just keep working at it, you know? A perfect body takes a lot of work.

Takes a LOT of work, and a lot of commitment.

[crickets chirping]

[Filthy Frank]: You're taking it too far, this is fucking stupid.

[smack]

[can clanks]

[minor Ethan Klein Cough™]

[calm outro music]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
reverence /ˈrɛvərəns/ B2	noun - deep respect for someone or something
glimpse /ɡlɪmps/ A2	noun - a quick look at something
tireless /ˈtaɪərˌlɛs/ B1	adjective - showing no sign of getting tired
anthrax /ˈænθræks/ B2	noun - a serious infectious bacterial disease
dilapidated /dɪˈlæpɪdeɪtɪd/ B2	adjective - in a state of disrepair or ruin as a result of age or neglect
existential /ˌɛɡzɪˈstɛnʃəl/ C1	adjective - relating to existence, especially of the self
hygiene /ˈhaɪdʒiːn/ B1	noun - conditions or practices conducive to maintaining health and preventing disease
flattered /ˈflætərd/ A2	adjective - pleased or gratified by a compliment or attention
gratitude /ˈɡrætɪtud/ B1	noun - the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness
thoughtful /ˈθɔːtfʊl/ A2	adjective - absorbing or involving thought; reflective
community /kəˈmjuːnɪti/ A1	noun - a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common
grateful /ˈɡreɪtfəl/ A2	adjective - feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful
commitment /kəˈmɪtmənt/ B1	noun - the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity

Key Grammar Structures

• I'm a fan of the Papa.

  ➔ Present simple tense with 'be' as a linking verb

  ➔ The sentence uses 'am' (contracted form of 'I am') as a linking verb to describe a state of being a fan.

• When Papa's in the house, I order sodie pops

  ➔ Present simple tense with 'when' clause

  ➔ The sentence uses a 'when' clause to indicate a habitual action that occurs under a specific condition.

• I would straight up... Pssh. Yeah, dude.

  ➔ Conditional mood with 'would'

  ➔ The sentence uses 'would' to express a hypothetical or conditional action.

• I'm gonna be so pissed, dude!

  ➔ Future with 'be going to'

  ➔ The sentence uses 'be going to' to express a future action based on present evidence or intention.

• If you guys send me anthrax, I'm gonna be so pissed, dude!

  ➔ Conditional sentence Type 1

  ➔ The sentence uses 'if' to express a possible condition and its probable result in the future.

• I feel like I shouldn't have worn this.

  ➔ Modal verb 'should' for advice or regret

  ➔ The sentence uses 'should' to express regret or advice about a past action.

• We have hit... two million subscribers!

  ➔ Present perfect tense with 'have'

  ➔ The sentence uses the present perfect tense to describe an action that occurred in the past but has results relevant to the present.

• I'm gonna need a minute to brush my teeth, you know what I'm saying?

  ➔ Future intention with 'be going to'

  ➔ The sentence uses 'be going to' to express a future intention based on a present decision.

• I appreciate the thought, I mean, it's a nice—it's a wonderful gift!

  ➔ Use of dashes for interruption or emphasis

  ➔ The sentence uses dashes to interrupt the flow of the sentence for emphasis or clarification.