Aquarius
00:10
There's travel in your future
00:12
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
00:13
Fill that void in your pathetic life
00:17
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
00:19
Pisces
00:22
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
00:22
You are the true Lord of the dance
00:27
No matter what those idiots at work say
00:30
Aries
00:32
The look on your face will be priceless
00:32
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
00:34
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
00:38
Taurus
00:42
You will never find true happiness
00:42
What you gonna do, cry about it?
00:45
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
00:48
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
00:50
That's your horoscope for today
00:53
That's your horoscope for today
00:58
That's your horoscope for today
01:03
That's your horoscope for today
01:08
Gemini
01:12
Your birthday party will be ruined
01:14
Once again by your explosive flatulence
01:16
Your love life will run into trouble
01:18
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
01:20
Cancer
01:23
the position of Jupiter says that
01:26
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
01:26
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
01:29
Leo
01:34
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
01:34
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
01:37
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
01:39
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
01:41
Virgo
01:44
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
01:45
Expect a big surprise today
01:49
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
01:52
That's your horoscope for today
01:55
That's your horoscope for today
02:00
That's your horoscope for today
02:05
That's your horoscope for today
02:10
Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
02:13
The relative position of the planets and the stars
02:18
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
02:21
That exclusively applies to only you
02:23
But, let me give you my assurance that
02:25
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
02:26
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
02:28
So you would have to be some kind of moron
02:30
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
02:32
Where was I?
02:35
Libra
02:36
A big promotion is just around
02:36
The corner for someone much more talented than you
02:38
Laughter is the very best medicine
02:41
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
02:43
Scorpio
02:46
get ready for an
02:47
Unexpected trip
02:47
When you fall screaming from an open window
02:48
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
02:51
Sagittarius
02:56
All your friends are laughing behind your back
02:57
Take down all those naked pictures of
03:01
Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
03:04
Capricorn
03:06
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
03:07
But, you know they're lying
03:11
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
03:12
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
03:14
That's your horoscope for today
03:17
That's your horoscope for today
03:22
That's your horoscope for today
03:27
That's your horoscope for today
03:33
That's your horoscope for today
03:38
That's your horoscope for today
03:43
That's your horoscope for today
03:48
That's your horoscope for today
03:53
Lyrics & Translation
[English]
Aquarius
There's travel in your future
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the dance
No matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined
Once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
the position of Jupiter says that
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
The relative position of the planets and the stars
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
That exclusively applies to only you
But, let me give you my assurance that
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around
The corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
get ready for an
Unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back
Take down all those naked pictures of
Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But, you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Key Vocabulary
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Key Grammar Structures
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