Transcriber: Cristina Muñoz
Reviewer: Raúl Higareda
00:00
you’re going on a boat trip,
00:09
and you get on board with your family,
and you got your bags,
00:12
and the captain comes out
to greet you and says,
00:16
“Hi, Um... My name is
Montana... Von Fliss.
00:19
Uh, so... I’ll be your captain
for this journey...
00:24
Oh, boy... Let’s just have
a great trip. Sorry.”
00:31
Nope. Get me off of this boat.
00:36
What we want in that moment
is for the captain to walk out and say,
00:40
“Hi, my name is Montana Von Fleiss,
I’ll be your captain for this journey.
00:44
Let’s have a great trip.”
00:49
The point is, when you are the speaker,
you are the captain for that journey,
00:52
and how you show up really matters.
00:57
For the last 17 years,
01:00
I’ve coached thousands
of speakers all over the world,
01:02
from big tech companies to small startups,
01:05
and everyone, from new hires
to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies,
01:08
want to know,
how do you show up and look confident?
01:14
So I’d like to share my top five tips
for how to be confident,
01:18
even if you’re not.
01:22
So let's break it down.
01:24
What was the difference
between those two captains?
01:25
What did you see? What did you hear?
01:28
And not just, “One seemed nervous,
one seemed confident.”
01:30
But what was I doing differently
to make you think that?
01:35
Different volume, different words,
certainly different body language.
01:39
But the truth is,
I wasn’t feeling particularly confident.
01:45
I was just making certain physical
and vocal choices to make you think that.
01:50
You can do that too.
01:56
Anyone can do this.
01:57
So, what are those
confident-looking choices?
01:59
Turn up the energy and speak up.
02:04
When you speak up,
even just a little bit,
02:07
it reads as confident,
and you don’t have to shout.
02:10
Think about it this way.
On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5.
02:13
Yes, it goes to 11,
02:19
but you can just aim for a five.
I’m here at a five right now.
02:23
I can bring it back down to a three here.
Nervous captain was here.
02:27
And we bring it back up to a five,
02:30
and it sounds prepared,
positive, and confident.
02:32
So turn up the energy and speak up.
02:36
Pause... like a boss.
02:41
Nervous speakers
tend to talk really fast, right?
02:46
And when they do have a pause,
02:49
they fill it in
with verbal filler, likes and ums.
02:50
However, if you try to speak more slowly,
it just sounds like this, right?
02:53
And that's not better.
02:59
So instead, make strategic pauses.
03:01
Pause in transition.
03:04
Pause for emphasis.
03:06
Pause... like a boss.
03:07
Imagine you are a superhero.
You can do it from your chair.
03:17
How would a superhero sit?
03:21
Yes. Let that change
your posture. I see you. Yes.
03:23
Let that bring a smile to your face
and have some better eye contact.
03:27
All of that reads as confident,
03:31
and pretending to be a superhero
is just a super quick way
03:35
to have confident-looking body language.
03:39
Now, this one also goes to 11.
03:42
But you can just aim for a five,
and that will be great.
03:48
Tuck in that cape and go save the day.
03:52
And you can stand in superhero backstage
to boost your confidence,
03:56
but I’m saying
bring that superhero stance on stage
04:00
so that your audience
sees you as confident.
04:04
And if you need an easy shortcut,
just make the shape.
04:08
Just make the shape of a confident person.
04:12
The audience cannot read your mind.
04:14
They don’t know how you’re feeling,
04:17
so just make the shape
and they will go with it.
04:19
Like, if you came over
to my house for dinner
04:23
and I opened up the door
and I was like,
04:25
“Hi, come on in, we’re having chicken.”
04:27
You’d be like, “Oh, is this a bad time?”
04:32
You know, you’ve got to make
the shape of a good host.
04:36
Make the smile shape, right?
04:38
Instead of crossed arm shape, open up.
04:41
“Hi, welcome. Come on in.”
04:44
If you’re not sure if you’re making
confident-looking choices,
04:48
you can just video yourself
and watch it back.
04:51
I feel like I just saw you say,
“Um, not doing that one.”
04:57
I know most people don’t like
to watch themselves, I get it.
05:01
But wouldn’t you rather...
05:05
make that adjustment
before you’re in front of your audience?
05:07
Videoing yourself is
a great way to check in
05:13
to see that you’re doing the techniques,
05:16
but also to see
that it’s still authentically you,
05:18
your version of confident captain.
05:21
Now, how can you do
all of these things on performance day?
05:25
Practice with purpose.
05:32
So, make yourself a rehearsal schedule.
05:34
Put it in your calendar.
05:37
You can give yourself a little treat
when you do a run through.
05:38
And make it practice with purpose
by giving yourself a specific goal
05:42
or layering in one new
confident captain technique each day.
05:47
If it’s a week before your event,
05:52
aim to run it all the way through
at least once a day.
05:54
If you have no time for a run through,
just take the opening and closing,
05:59
and run that three times
in a row from anywhere.
06:02
When you’re in the shower,
when you’re walking your dog,
06:05
when you’re making a meal for your kids.
06:08
I know my kids are very used to me walking
around the house talking to myself.
06:10
Whatever you need to do
to get in those repetitions.
06:15
And don’t be afraid of over practice.
06:20
Don't let that stop you.
06:24
You can just let go of your verbatim
script if it’s starting to sound robotic.
06:26
And you can still use
bullet point speaker notes
06:31
to remind yourself
of what you would like to say
06:35
and to invite you to say it a little bit
differently each time to keep it fresh.
06:38
And let me be clear,
06:44
by practice, I mean
standing up, saying it out loud,
06:46
imagining your audience
and inviting them in,
06:51
clicking through your slides,
06:55
doing it as much
like it will be on the day,
06:56
whether it’s virtual or in person.
06:59
And I know it might feel a little funny
saying it out loud to yourself,
07:02
but think about
when you learn a new sport,
07:08
or when you practice
a musical instrument.
07:12
If you had a piano concert on Friday,
and you got new music on Monday,
07:15
would you only read your music every day
07:20
and then play it for the very first time
at the concert on Friday?
07:23
And yet,
I see speakers do this all the time.
07:28
Give yourself a chance.
07:32
Practice helps everything.
07:34
And it can really boost your confidence
to practice with purpose
07:37
by layering in
one new technique each day.
07:42
Okay, those first four techniques,
they’re all about how to appear confident,
07:48
regardless of how you’re feeling.
07:53
I’ve got one more technique for you,
and it’s a big one.
07:56
But this is the real gem.
08:01
It's the one that makes
all the others shine.
08:02
This is number five, the silent sentence.
08:06
This is about
what you choose to tell yourself.
08:11
I’ve been a professional actor
since I was a kid,
08:16
and I have always loved
going on stage as an actor,
08:18
as a speaker, as an emcee.
08:22
And, at the same time,
I have often been not just nervous,
08:25
sometimes downright terrified
to step on a stage.
08:30
I’m shaking, I’m sweating, and I’m like,
08:36
“What was I thinking?
Why do I do this to myself?”
08:38
And all these unhelpful voices flood in.
08:42
And I just tried to make it stop,
push it away.
08:44
And of course that never worked.
08:48
And I kept going on stage
because I love it.
08:50
And years later,
when I became a speaker coach,
08:55
I got asked to do
all these professional presentations,
08:58
and they went well,
09:01
but I still had no way to deal
with that massive anxiety.
09:03
And I was like, “What can I do?”
09:08
And I thought, “Well,
what am I telling myself?”
09:11
“What if you mess up?
You better be perfect.”
09:16
I realized I was giving myself
an impossible instruction to be perfect.
09:20
And that really was not working.
09:27
But what would work?
What would be a better message?
09:30
And to figure that out,
I had to go back to square one.
09:33
Like, what do I want?
09:36
Why did I say yes to this speaking gig?
09:39
What is my deeper purpose here?
09:42
And I realized at the heart of it,
09:45
I just want to help my audience
to the best of my ability.
09:49
And when I said that,
I noticed everything change.
09:55
And that's where I found
my first silent sentence.
09:59
I want to help my audience
to the best of my ability.
10:03
When I said it, even silently to myself,
it acted like this override switch.
10:07
Like I might still be
shaking and sweating,
10:12
but now I have this higher goal,
this deeper purpose,
10:14
and everything aligned to that.
10:18
And that became my highest priority.
10:20
I want to help you.
10:22
And now, that thought
replaced those unhelpful thoughts
10:24
and everything went better
in my performance.
10:27
And I was like, “Yes, it worked. Yay!”
10:31
And then I was like, “Wait,
how do I do this every time?
10:37
Especially when the stakes are high.”
10:42
And it dawned on me,
10:45
if I’m writing and crafting
the words I say out loud,
10:47
why not write and craft
the words I say silently to myself?
10:51
Put it in the script.
It’s the silent part of the script.
10:56
So now, every time I rehearse,
11:02
every time I walk onto a stage,
11:06
every time I join a virtual meeting,
11:08
I say the following,
new and evolved silent sentence,
11:11
“I invite you to be here with me
while I am here with you
11:17
so that I can make this easier for you.”
11:24
Now, that invitation
to myself to be present,
11:31
that’s my definition of stage presence,
11:36
And that invitation to the audience
to be my partner,
11:41
that reminds me,
these are friends, not foes.
11:44
And I am choosing to be here.
11:48
And now I’m not just making
the shape of a good host.
11:50
I really am a good host because
I am genuinely welcoming you to my world.
11:53
Now, how do you go about
finding your silent sentence?
12:01
What's your deeper purpose?
12:08
You could be like me,
and you might just want to help people.
12:11
Or it could be something more specific.
12:15
For example, you might want
at least one person in your audience
12:17
to walk out and take a CPR class.
12:21
Or maybe you’re just super excited
to have this experience
12:25
or share with them some cool solution
you have for their problem.
12:28
You get to fill in the blank
and decide what you want to accomplish.
12:33
And this is not about graduating
to some higher level of being
12:39
where you never again feel nervous.
12:44
Yeah, I know I haven't.
12:47
I was feeling it pretty big
about 15 minutes ago
12:49
while getting ready
to walk on this stage.
12:54
And I am, and probably always will be
a recovering perfectionist.
12:56
That is a well-worn pathway in my brain.
13:05
It is there, it exists,
it cannot be erased.
13:08
But now I have this other pathway.
13:12
And when big moments
like this come up, I get to choose.
13:16
And that's what I was doing
back there in the wings.
13:20
I was choosing to gently insist
on repeating my silent sentence
13:23
to set myself up for success.
13:29
What we tell ourselves really matters.
13:34
We follow
our own instructions all day long.
13:37
Our whole selves are always listening.
13:40
So when you notice
something isn’t going well,
13:44
or you’re fearing something
might not go well in the future,
13:46
use this checklist.
13:50
What am I telling myself?
13:53
What's being broadcast?
13:56
Then replace that with a better sentence
14:00
to help set you up
for where you’d like to go.
14:04
And most importantly,
put it in the script and practice it.
14:08
Practice it just as much
as the words you say out loud.
14:12
So if you’re running your intro
in the shower three times in a row,
14:15
it would go silent bit, out loud bit,
silent, out loud, silent, out loud,
14:19
until it is inextricably linked
14:23
and it is just a part of your process,
14:27
and it is repeatable and reliable.
14:30
And then it’s just there
for you when you need it.
14:34
Now, I want to leave you
with this final thought.
14:38
When you’re at home
14:42
and you’re practicing
some of these techniques,
14:43
like turn up the energy and speak up,
14:46
practice with purpose,
and your silent sentence,
14:55
please know that it might feel
uncomfortable at first because it’s new
15:00
and that is normal.
15:04
But think back to when I was demonstrating
the nervous captain at the top.
15:06
How did that make you feel?
15:09
And then when the confident captain
came out, “Oh, what a relief.
15:12
Now I can just sit back
and enjoy the ride.”
15:16
Remember that feeling of safety
you had as an audience member
15:19
and bring that into
your next rehearsal.
15:23
You can give that gift to your audience.
15:25
Reach outside your comfort zone
to make your audience feel safe
15:29
by making the choices
of a confident captain.
15:34
You might even have fun.
15:41
(Cheers and applause)
15:47