I Can't Handle Crushes
By
Emma Blackery
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Hey look everyone, it's a video that's not #spon!
Are you proud of me?
I got one of these things, those mics that are supposed to be
hidden by your clothes, but, I'm not very good at things, so...
Is this thing on? Does it work? *earphone destruction*
I probably gave you a massive earache, I'm so sorry...!
So I just wanted to say before I begin: asexuals, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm leaving you out of this one.
I—I make videos based on my own experiences, and I have had a lot of crushes.
Like really a lot—a lot of crushes.
But if...(inaudible)
If you are a person that doesn't experience crushes, I'm sorry and I hope you have a wonderful day
where no one tells you, "You just haven't found the right one yet."
...God, that must suck.
It probably comes as no surprise to people who watch my videos,
that when I have a crush, that is, finding someone attractive
and potentially thinking of the attractive babies—
No, not 'attractive baby', don't say that...!
I'm not good. Nope.
I am a mess with crushes.
Some people manage to be really subtle with their crushes—and then there's me!
If I have a crush on you—don't worry—you'll know it!
Oh boy, you will know it.
At school, which is admittedly, 54 years ago,
I used to think, "Well, if I don't make it obvious that I like someone, they'll never know
and then they'll never ask me to be with them and have their children.
So why don't I just tell them?"
So I would often lay it out there in some pretty obvious ways.
*sigh*
Psst!
What's...what's this?
Oh, I took a picture of you leaving Science this morning,
and then I merged it with a picture with me.
That's what our baby would look like!
But as someone that literally shares a face with Michael Cera...
Hah! I do! I do look like Michael Cera!
Look at my face and then look at Michael Cera's face!
My crushes are often not reciprocated, as much as we would like to say,
"The friendzone doesn't exist! Uh...people are entitled to not like you—"
I don't know what I'm doing 'this' for.
"People are entitled to not like you back."
You know, which I agree with, completely.
...Unless it's me, being friendzoned.
The amount that I've been friendzoned just, in the world where that is a real concept,
I could write novels.
Sort of like, Game of Thrones, where, instead of a character dying every ten minutes,
it's a piece of my heart. Ugh...
That was—another bit just died.
I was wondering if...you want to go see a movie this weekend.
Oh, um, sure thing, Em. Yeah.
That would be really good for our friendship, because,
because, you're like a sister to me.
*blam*
I remember this situation when I was 14 that absolutely destroyed me.
So I was 14, I was really crushing on a guy in my year,
and, we were like really, really good friends.
We'd hang out at lunchtime every single day,
because I just kept thinking,
"Well, he doesn't like me back but, if I hang around with him
constantly, he'll grow to love me!"
But I mean like, he ticked every box.
He was funny, he was cute, he played guitar.
We got on so, so well; we connected on such a spiritual level.
And then, one lunch time:
Phew...okay, um, so I've wanted to ask you this for a while.
But uh, I've been a bit nervous, so bear with me.
Uh, 'kay. Emma...
Yes?
Do you think that—
Emily in your English class thinks I'm hot?
Because she is—
She top notch. She is hot.
Oh?
Uh...
I'm
I'm sure she does!
Because you're great!
Really? That's awesome!
Do you think you'd be able to talk to her for me?
Of course I can, best friend. Hehe!
This is why you're my best friend. See you tomorrow.
Okay...
You okay down there Emma?
Yeah. Just...in pain.
Come on, we'll get your lunch in my classroom.
So that's, that's a pain, that you have to learn to just
put into a box, and put on a shelf in your brain,
and then just not think about it,
just 'compartmentalise' it, if that is a word (it is now).
F-ck it.
You just have to put it away, and then, when that box gets
full of things like that, and it overflows, then you can cry,
and pick it all back up, and put it in a bigger box.
And just repeat that—until you're a mess.
Pretty sure I'm only a couple of mental breakdowns
away from porn at this point, so...
Then there's the crushes that are an entirely different
ballpark, because they're celebrities,
and, they're people that don't know you exist!
And, oh, oh, oh...that hurts.
When I was younger, and I was crushing on people in
Busted, McFly, My Chemical Romance...
Oh...I just got MCR pain.
I was like, full on, cringefest with my crushes.
Like, I was full on, kissing my pillow and pretending it
was them...Kind of weird.
Sorry if you still do that, it's ok.
Whatever floats your boat and makes you happy.
But thankfully as I got older, I have stopped doing that.
...as much.
Oh Gerard...I know you live across the other side of the
world, and, you're in a band, and you're already married
to someone else and have children, but...
I know that together we can make it work.
Emma, your breakfast is r—
...your breakfast is ready and downstairs.
Shh...it's okay Gerard.
They'll try and stop our love.
We won't let them.
I feel like this is a bit of a therapy session, isn't it?
But fortunately, just like the crushes on people you have
in real life, they eventually die out and you stop feeling
sad about the fact that they will never love you.
...and you move on to someone else!
In my experience, the best way to get over a crush on
someone, is to get a crush on someone else,
and feel the same pain, but just for a different person.
But sometimes, just, just sometimes,
your crush is reciprocated.
...That is always a hard word I've had trouble with.
'Reciprocated.' It's like 'millennium'. I can't—mill...millen...
This is, it's not the Michael Cera thing, is it?
One of my crushes turned into a three-year relationship,
and my first celebrity crush is now my friend.
Go, and live, your dreams!
That was...weirdly inspirational.
Have you ever had a crush that's worked out?
Or what's the most embarrassing thing you've done around a crush?
Who is your first celebrity crush?
Who do you have a crush on right now?
Let me know in the comments below.
And I'm making a pledge, today, that I'm only responding
to nice comments. I feel like I need to start making that
pledge at the end of every video, and hold myself to it,
because I feel like I don't appreciate you lovely people enough,
and I'm just, always so sassy to the other people,
because, f-ck 'em.
F-ck 'em, f-ck 'em, f-ck 'em.
If you're coming somewhere to the City in London
there is going to be tons of new merch available.
Or if you're not coming, the merch will be available
online in like, like 2 or 3 weeks time.
I'm getting back into a good place right now.
So, wish me luck, hope I stay there, and I will catch you later.
Byee!
My outros are just going get more obnoxious over time,
like, in 10 years it's just going to be like an overclipping
kind of a, "BA-HEE!"
I'm sorry!
And yes, that's AJ, alright. I thought it was appropriate.
I also, wanted to show you real quick,
look, I bought this the other day when I was in
Newcastle: A CM Punk figurine. It's huge;
it's bigger than my face! Um, just thought it was funny
because CM Punk never had muscles like that, but um...
It's not the Michael Cera thing, the weird thing.
