– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Okay. So, when you're done with your

tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell

you your fortune.

>> I didn't know you read tea leaves.

>> Oh, yeah. I've done it for years. I

actually stopped because I was so

accurate, you know, and and you know,

one of the great joys of life is it's

its wondrous unpredictability, you know,

and also tea tends to give me the trots.

>> Okay, I'm done. Read mine.

>> Okay. Ooh, I see a ladder,

which can mean either a promotion or a

violent death.

I I'm the head chef. I I can't get

promoted.

>> Mhm. Mhm. Who's next?

>> Okay, I'm done. Do mine.

>> Okay. Um Oh, okay. I see a circle. Oh.

>> Oh. which can either mean you're having

a baby or you're going to make a

scientific discovery.

>> Well, I have been spending a lot of time

in the lab.

>> What does yours say, peeps?

>> Um, wow. All right.

Wow. Yay.

Oh, I'm going to meet a guy and really

soon. And he's going to be the man of my

dreams.

Probably not the guy I had a dream about

last night.

Oh, wait a second, you guys.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been

seeing that guy everywhere I go. We take

the same bus. We go to the same

bookstore, same dry cleaner. Maybe he's

the tea guy.

>> Did you see that? He totally checked you

out and he is so cute.

>> Mine is a picture of the village people.

What does that mean?

Oh, hello.

>> Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere.

>> I'm Jim. Jim Nelson.

>> Oh, Jim. Jim Nelson. I'm Phoebe Phoebe

Buffet.

>> Certainly have been seeing a lot of each

other lately.

>> We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each

other at dinner tomorrow night. Say

around 8:00.

>> Well, maybe we will.

Oh,

isn't it funny how we kept running into

each other? It's as if someone really

wants us to be together.

>> Someone does. Me.

>> O, witty banter. Well done.

>> Good.

>> So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

>> Oh, okay. Well, I'm a masseuse and I

used to work at this place.

>> Do you like to party?

>> I I I like I like parties.

>> You're wild, aren't you?

Yeah, I guess a little.

>> That ain't no thing. I'm wild, too.

>> So, um, anyway,

I I I've lived in New York somewhat

wildly, I guess, for um well, since I

was 14.

>> I'm sorry I'm staring.

>> It's just that you have the most

beautiful eyes.

>> Oh, stop it. and your breasts.

>> Okay,

look, you're coming on a little strong,

but I'm going to give you the benefit of

the doubt because seems the universe

really wants us to be together. So, why

don't we just start over, okay? And you

can just tell me about yourself.

>> All right.

>> Okay.

>> I write erotic novels for children.

What?

>> They're wildly unpopular.

>> My god.

>> Oh, also you might be interested to know

that I have a PhD.

>> Wow, you do?

>> Yep. Uh, pretty huge.

>> I'm here ready to play.

>> Okay.

>> I brought a bunch of stuff for the

house. So, check it out.

>> What's this?

>> That's a dog. Every house should have a

dog.

Not one that can pee on the roof.

>> Maybe it's so big because the house was

built on radioactive waste.

>> And is this in case the house sneezes?

>> No. No. That's the ghost for the attic.

>> I don't want a ghost.

>> Well, nobody wants a ghost.

But you've got one because the house is

sitting on an ancient Indian burial

ground.

>> Wait a minute. The house was built on

radioactive waste and an ancient Indian

burial ground.

That would never happen.

>> What can I do for you, my dear?

>> Oh, okay. I don't know how to say this,

but um I think when your wife's spirit

left her body, it um kind of stuck

around in me.

You're saying my wife is in you?

>> Yeah. Okay. You don't have to believe

me, but um can you think of any

unfinished business she might have had?

Like any reason she'd be hanging around?

>> Well, I don't know what to tell you,

dear. The only thing I could think of is

that she always used to say that before

she died, she wanted to see everything.

>> Everything?

>> Everything.

>> Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.

>> Oh, wait. I I I remember she also said

she wanted to sleep with me one last

time.

>> I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head.

>> Worth a shot, huh?

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, what's the matter?

>> Well,

you know that psychic I see?

>> Yeah. Well, she told me that I'm going

to die this week, so I'm kind of bummed

about that.

>> What?

>> Yeah. And I know you guys don't know a

lot about psychic readings, but that one

is pretty much the worst one you can

get.

>> That's crazy.

>> I can't believe she would say that to

you.

>> Yeah, honey. You don't believe her, do

you? I don't. She, you know, said that

I'd have triplets, but she also said one

of them would be black.

>> Just out of curiosity, did she tell you

how you're going to go? No, cuz she

didn't tell me I was going to die till

the very end of the session. And I was

not going to waste a whole other hour

there. I mean, I've only got a week

left, you know? I've really got to start

living now.

>> Hey. Hey, Feeps. You're still alive.

>> How are you feeling? Oh, it's so

exhausting waiting for death.

Oh, by the way, do you think you

>> thieves? What are you doing?

>> I was preparing you for my dead. Didn't

you think I was dead? Did that not come

off?

>> Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of me. I

thought we'd lost you forever.

Babe, do you want to lie down?

>> Yeah. Thanks. And listen, can you do me

a favor? Could you just um wake me up in

a couple hours? You know, if you can.

Hey. Hey. Listen to this.

My reading was wrong. I'm not going to

die.

>> Really? How do you know?

>> Because my psychic is dead.

She must have read the cards wrong.

>> Oh, I'm sorry. Ah, better her than me.

>> Hey, let's bake cookies.

>> You know my friend Abby who shaves her

head?

She says that if you want to break the

bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a

cleansing ritual.

>> Fibs, this woman is voluntarily bold.

>> Yeah.

So, we can do it tomorrow night, you

guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's

perfect. Okay. Well, what kind of

ritual? Okay. We can um we can burn the

stuff they gave us

>> or

or or

>> or we can chant and dance around naked,

you know, with sticks.

>> Burning's good.

>> Burning's good. Yeah, I didn't burn.

Okay, so now we need um sage branches

and the sacramental wine.

>> All I had is is oregano and a fresca.

>> Um

>> that's okay.

>> Okay.

Okay.

All right. Now, we need the semen of a

righteous man.

Okay, Febs. You know what? If we had

that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in

the first place.

We just start throwing things in. Um,

yeah. Okay. Oh, okay. Um,

okay. Barry's letters.

Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

>> And I have the receipt for my dinner

with Noulu.

>> And look, there's a picture of Scotty

Jared naked.

>> Oh, let me see.

>> Hey, he's wearing a sweater.

>> No.

>> E.

OKAY. And here we have the last of

Paulo's graa.

>> Wait, wait, Rachel, ISN'T THAT ALMOST

PURE?

OH MY GOD. NO. SHOOT, KITTY. NO. NO. NO.

NO. SHOOT. Come on. You. Come on. Crazy.

Oh my god.

>> What? Nothing. Nothing.

>> What? What's wrong?

>> I just

I just have this really strong feeling

that this cat is my mother.

You mean the mom you met in Monttok? She

was a cat.

>> No, no, no. She was a human lady. This

is the spirit of my mom, Lily. The one

that killed herself.

>> Are you sure she's in the cat or have

you been taking your grandma's glaucoma

medicine again?

>> No, Dr. Skeptismo.

I'm sure. First of all, okay, there's

the feeling.

Okay. And for another, how about the

fact that she went into my guitar case,

which is lined with orange felt.

My mother's favorite fish was orange

ruffy.

Cats like fish.

Hi, Mommy.

Oh, I haven't seen this smile in 17

years.

Dude, Phoe's mom's got a huge pill.

>> Let it go.

>> No, thieves.

>> Who else wants one of my special

homemade brownies?

>> I will have one.

>> Yeah, I'm not going to have one of

those.

>> No, no, it's just my tooth.

>> I'll have one.

>> So, what's the matter? You need a

dentist? I've got a good one.

>> Thanks. I have a good one, too. I just I

I I can't see him. See, that is the

problem with invisible dentists.

>> Why? Why can't you go to them?

>> Because

every time I go to the dentist, somebody

dies.

>> That is so weird. Because every time I

go to the dentist, I look down the

hygienist blouse.

>> Phoebe, what? Um

what?

>> Yeah. Yeah. First, it was my aunt Mary.

And then there was um John, my mailman.

And then my my cowboy friend, Albino

Bob.

>> And all of these people actually died.

>> Yes. While I was in the chair. That's

why I take such good care of my teeth

now. You know, it's not about oral

hygiene. I floss to save lives.

>> Fees. Come on. You didn't kill anybody.

These people just happened to die when

you went to the dentist. It's It's just

a coincidence.

>> Well, tell that to them. Oh, you can't.

They're dead.

>> There's nothing to tell. It's just some

guy I work with.

>> Come on. You're going out with the guy.

There's got to be something wrong with

him.

>> So, does he have a hump? A hump? And a

hairpiece?

>> Wait, does he eat chalk?

>> Just cuz I don't want her to go through

what I went through with Carl. Um,

>> okay, everybody relax. This is not even

a date. It's just two people going out

to dinner and not having sex.

>> Sounds like a date to me.

Carol moved her stuff out today.

>> Let me get you some coffee.

>> Thanks.

>> No. Oh, no. No. Don't stop cleansing my

aura.

>> Don't just leave my aura alone. Okay.

>> I'll be fine. All right. Really,

everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

>> No, you don't.

>> No, I don't. To hell with her. She left

me.

>> Bye-bye.

I just got us reservations at Michelle's

and tickets to the music man to

celebrate our first holiday season as a

betrothed couple.

>> Betrod

couple.

>> Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Oh,

babes

skull.

>> Oh yeah, IT'S MY MOM'S.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> NO, NO, NO. It's not It's not my mom. It

belonged to my mom.

>> Yeah. Though she used to put it out

every Christmas to remind us that even

though it's Christmas, people still die

>> and you can put candy in it.

>> Hey.

>> Hey. Hey. Licorice.

>> Sure.

>> Hey. I just found out I get Ben for the

holidays this year.

>> Oh, that's great.

>> Are you going to dress up as Santa?

>> Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every

year, but I think I want to take this

year to teach him all about Hanukkah.

>> And maybe I could teach Ben about the

Christmas skull and how people die.

>> You may need to use this year to teach

Ben about Phoebe.

>> This place is so depressing. If I had to

work here, I'd kill myself.

>> You obviously haven't.

>> How can I help you? Um, I need to change

my name, please. See, I need to change

it because I'm I'm hiding from the law.

>> You're fun.

>> Need to fill out this form.

>> Okay. Well, I just So, I know. I don't

know how it works exactly. See, my name

is um Buffet and my husband's name is

Hanigan. So, is it supposed to be Buffet

Hanigan or Hanigan Buffet?

>> It can be anything you want.

>> Well, not anything.

>> Yeah, anything.

>> Oh, this could take a while.

Get out of my line.

>> Okay.

>> Hey. Hey, thieves. Oh, not anymore. I

changed it today.

>> Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hanigan.

>> Wrong again.

Apparently, you can change it to

anything you want. So, I thought, all

right, here's an opportunity to be

creative. So, meet Princess Consuela

Banana Hammock.

That's what we were going to name the

baby.

>> Phoei.

>> Uh, Princess Consuela.

>> You seriously changed your name to that?

>> Uhhuh.

>> Okay. So, from now on, we have to call

you Princess Consuela.

>> Uh, no. I I'm going to have my friends

call me Valerie.

>> Hey, welcome back.

>> I missed you. Oh, me too.

>> So, what's new?

>> Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffet.

>> That's great. You changed your name?

>> Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela

Banana Hammock.

>> You're kidding, right?

>> Nope.

>> You really did that?

>> Yep.

>> You can't do that.

>> Why? Why? It's fun. It's different. No

one else has a name like it.

>> All right, then. I'm going to change my

name.

>> Great. Okay. Hey, what are you going to

change it to?

>> Crap bag.

>> Mike crap bag?

>> No. No, Mike. No, just just crap bag.

First name crap, last name bag.

>> You're not serious, right?

>> Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun. It's

different. No one else has a name like

that.

>> Mhm. Mhm. Well, then great. If you love

it, I love it.

>> I do love it. And I love your name. I

love Princess Consuela.

>> And I love crap.

After you, Miss Banana Hammock.

>> Thank you, Mr. Bag.

>> Oh, hey. How are you?

>> Good. Oh, Rita's a massage client.

>> Oh,

>> why don't you introduce me?

>> Rita, this is my husband.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Why don't you tell her my name?

>> Okay, I will. This is um this is my

husband. Um crap bag.

crap bag.

>> If you need an easy way to remember it,

just think of a bag of crap.

>> Okay, excuse me.

>> Yeah,

>> okay, fine. You made your point. Can you

please just be Mike Hanigan again?

>> Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffet.

>> How about um how about Buffet Hanigan?

>> Really?

>> Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffet Hanigan. Banana

Hammock.

>> Do you even know what a banana hammock

is?

>> It's a funny word.

>> It's a speedo.

>> Oh crap.

>> Okay, now just remember everything I

taught you and you'll be fine. Okay,

here we go. Ready,

set.

>> Wait, this seat is really uncomfortable.

Okay, maybe before we start, we should

just get another one. Perhaps like an

airplane seat or a bean bag chair.

>> Baby, you can't get out of this. Okay,

you have to learn how to ride a bike.

>> Why? Why do I have to learn?

>> Well, in in case of an emergency?

>> What kind of emergency? Well, let what

if a man comes along and puts a gun to

your head and says, "You ride this bike

or I'll I'll shoot you."

>> Okay, I would ring the bell to distract

him and then I would knock the gun out

of his hand with a Chinese throwing

star.

>> Okay, Phoebe, just just get get on the

bike and hey, I'll hold you up and and

push you. Okay,

>> you won't let go. Let's go.

>> You swear.

>> I swear.

>> Okay.

>> Come on.

>> All right. Here we go.

>> All right.

>> All right.

>> All right. Feel good.

>> Well,

>> all right. Try pedaling. That's it.

You're doing great. You're doing great.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Take control. Yes.

>> Oh. Oh. Oh. No.

>> You score. I I just thought you were

doing so well.

>> Shocked. Shocked.

>> It's a legitimate learning technique.

Wow.

>> Oh, hello liar.

>> Look, I I'm I'm really sorry I let go of

the bike.

>> I could have been killed. I hope you

know.

I know. I know.

But can we please try it again? Huh? I

mean, you were so close, Phoebe.

>> Well, I would love to, but

the bike got stolen and the police have

no suspects.

>> Phoebe,

>> what?

>> What the hell?

All right. You know what? If you are not

going to learn how to ride this bike,

then I'm sorry. I'm just going to have

to take it back.

>> What? Why?

>> Because because it's it's

it would be like you having this guitar

and and never playing it. Okay. This

guitar wants to be played and and this

bike wants to be ridden and and if you

don't ride it, you're you

killing its spirit.

The bike

is dying.

All right, if you care enough to make up

that load of crap. Okay,

>> great. Great.

You're making the bike very happy.

>> Okay, Ross.

>> Please don't die.

>> All right. Look, I need you at the

rehearsal dinner tonight at 18800 hours.

>> Uh-huh. Okay. What time is that?

>> You don't know military time?

>> Well, I must have been in missile

training the day they taught that.

>> Just subtract 12.

>> Okay. So 1,800 - 12 is 1,788.

>> 6:00.

>> Okay. Hold on. Yeah. Geller, here.

>> No, I said it has to be there by 4:00.

Goodbye.

God, how hard is it to make an ice

sculpture?

>> Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy.

I told you I just want a simple wedding.

Please, honey, leave the details to me.

Now, I want to make this day as special

for you as I can now. Okay. I was

thinking that the harpist should wear

white. Well, harpist. My friend Marjorie

is playing the steel drums.

>> Oh, she backed out.

>> She did? Why? I made her.

Steel drums don't really say elegant

wedding. Nor does Marjgery's

overwhelming scent. Hey, she will shower

when Tibet is free.

>> That's it. I cannot make this decision.

It is too difficult. So, I am just going

to leave it entirely up to the gods of

fate.

>> A magic eightball. Oh, you can't be

serious. You can't make this decision

with a toy.

>> Oh, it's not a toy.

>> Well, I don't know what else to do. I

mean, I either keep my wife and lose one

of my my best friends or I keep my

friend and get divorced for the second

time before I'm 30. So, so if anyone

else has has a better suggestion, let's

hear it because I I got nothing. All

right? Don't be shy. Any suggestion will

do.

Okay, then.

Here we go.

Magic eightball. Should I never see

Rachel again?

Ask again later.

Later is not good enough.

Ask again later.

>> What the hell? This is broken. It is

broken.

>> Nothing. This is the 9 millionth ring

store we've been to and I can't find the

perfect ring. Ugly ring. Ugly ring. Ugly

ring.

It's a beautiful selection.

Okay. So, maybe you don't get her a

ring. Maybe you maybe you do something

different. You know, maybe you get her

an engagement bracelet, you know, or an

engagement tiara or oh, an engagement

revolutionary war musket.

>> You know, I'm so glad I picked you to

help me with this,

>> huh?

>> Can't you just imagine getting down on

one knee and handing her this gorgeous

piece of weaponry?

>> Yeah, I'm going to stick with the ring.

>> Hey.

>> Hey. What are you doing here? Well, I I

thought a lot about what you said and um

I realized all maybe I was a little

judgmental.

Yeah. Oh, but Oh,

>> now Phoebe, remember, hey, they're just

fulfilling their Christmas

>> destiny. Sure. Yes.

>> Okay.

Yikes. That one doesn't look very

fulfilled.

>> Oh, that's uh that's one of the old

ones. He's just taking it to the back.

>> You keep the old ones in the back.

That is so aegist.

>> But we have to make room for the fresh

ones.

>> So what happens to the old guys?

>> Well, they go into the chipper.

>> Well, I have a feeling that's not as

happy as it sounds.

Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. And uh this one here is a Douglas

fur. Now it's a little more money, but

you get a nicer smell.

>> Looks good. I'll take it.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no,

no. You don't want that one. No, you can

have this cool brown one.

>> It It's almost dead.

>> Okay, but that's why you have to buy it.

So that it can fulfill its Christmas

destiny. Otherwise, they're going to

throw it into the chipper. Tell them,

Joey.

Yeah, the uh trees that don't fulfill

their Christmas destiny are thrown in

the chipper.

>> I I think I'm going to look around a

little bit more.

>> Peeps, you got to stop doing this. I'm

working on commission here.

>> Hey guys, I'm here to pick out my

Christmas tree.

>> Well, look no further. This one's yours.

>> Is this the one that I threw out last

year? All

right. You know what? Never mind.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO HAVE A GREEN ONE.

SORRY. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get

so emotional. I guess it's just the

holidays are just hard. Oh, honey. Is

that cuz your mom died around Christmas?

>> Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Oh.

>> Huh. Seeing that drunk Santa wet himself

really perked up my Christmas.

Oh my god.

>> Merry Christmas.

>> You guys.

Oh god, you're the best.

>> It's like Night of the Living Dead

Christmas tree.

>> Hello.

Yeah, this is she.

You're kidding. You're kidding. Oh,

thank you. I love you.

>> Sure. Everybody loves a kid.

>> I got the job.

>> God bless us, everyone.

>> Stop with the broom. We're not making

noise.

We won.

>> We did it.

>> Mr. Heckles.

>> How did this happen?

>> He must have been sweeping. They found a

broom in his hand.

>> Gosh,

>> that's terrible.

>> I know. I was sweeping yesterday. Could

have been me.

>> You never know.

>> Never know.

>> Okay. It's very faint, but I can still

sense him in the building.

>> Go into the light, Mr. Heckle.

>> Okay, Phoebe.

>> I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help.

>> Can I sing happy birthday to you now?

You sure?

>> Oh, all right. Happy birthday.

>> See you later.

>> Hey, Ra. Somebody got your shoes. Oh,

give me

>> Oh, these are my rat babies.

>> Yeah, we have rat babies now.

Oh, you brought rats to my birthday

party. So, this is what a stroke feels

like.

>> I had to bring them. We killed their

mother. They're our responsibility now.

You know, they require constant care.

You should know that, Rachel. You're a

mother.

>> Oh,

are you comparing my daughter to a rat?

No. Seven rats.

I think we should take them home. We

need to feed them. Why? You're going to

leave my party to take care of a box of

rats. Well,

>> I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you.

Okay. Not everyone can afford help.

>> I know what I want.

>> What we want, honey?

>> No. No. You don't want this.

>> I want to have your grandmother's cookie

recipe.

>> You mean the chocolate chip cookie

recipe?

>> Uh-huh. Yeah. You mean the one that my

grandmother made me swear on her

deathbed that I would never let out of

our family?

>> Dying people say the craziest things.

I've wanted it for years. I'm just going

to make cookies for my children.

Don't

>> break my heart. Oh, all right. Okay. I

don't have the recipe, but here. I wish

you health and happiness.

>> An old cookie.

>> This is what happens when you don't

register for gifts.

>> See, though, I I made a batch and I

froze it and this is the only one left.

>> We can't accept this. Why not?

>> Cuz it's gross.

>> No, wait. I think I can figure out the

recipe from this cookie. I do stuff like

this at work all the time.

>> Really?

>> Yeah. I think I can do it.

>> Oh, yay.

>> I I definitely taste nutmeg.

>> You do? You don't?

>> Well, it's the difference between a

professional and a layman.

>> That and arrogance.

>> Hey.

>> Hey. How was sailing?

>> I don't want to talk about it.

>> No, you could have at least saved me A

WHOLE COOKIE.

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> Women are mean.

>> Can't believe that. Now, the only thing

that's left of my grandmother's legacy

is this crumb.

I wish you a long and happy marriage.

Here's

batch 22.

Maybe these will taste like your

grandmother's. This has a little bit of

orange peel, but no nutmeg.

>> Let's give it a shot.

>> Okay. Well, I've not made this many

cookies since I was in the ninth grade.

>> What was that for? Like a bake sale?

>> No, just a Friday night.

>> These are pretty good.

>> Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.

>> Which one was that?

>> The ones we had right after you almost

threw up.

Oh, yeah. Batch 17 was good. I did not

like batch 16.

I'm okay.

>> Are there any more from the good batch?

Cuz we could just work off of those.

Yeah.

>> Yeah. Well, yeah. I think there's one

from batch 17 left. Uh,

it's batch 16. 16 people, get out of the

way. That would actually make my grandma

really happy to know that we're trying

to figure out her recipe. I bet she's

looking up at us and smiling right now.

>> Looking up.

>> Oh, yeah. No, she was really nice to me,

but she's in hell for sure.

Well, I've tried everything. I give up.

I guess I'm not going to be the mom who

makes the world's best chocolate chip

cookies. I do make the best duck comfi

with broccoli rub.

Kids love that, right?

Oh,

>> Feeb, come on. Isn't there any relative

that would have the recipe? What about

What about your sister?

>> Oh, no, no, no. I made a promise to

myself that the next time I would talk

to Ursula is over my dead body.

And that's not happening till October

15th, 2032.

>> That's the day you're going to die. See?

Darn it. I've got shuffle board that

day.

That's what you think.

>> Well, I mean, what about friends of your

grandmothers? Wouldn't they have the

recipe?

>> Well, you know, I I may have relatives

in France who would know. My grandmother

said she got the recipe from her

grandmother, Nestle Tulo.

>> What was her name?

>> Nestle Tulousa.

Nestle Toll House.

You Americans always butcher the French

language.

>> Phoei, is this the recipe?

>> YES.

>> OH,

I cannot believe that I just spent the

last two days trying to figure out that

recipe and it was my cupboard the whole

time.

>> I know. You see, it is stuff like this,

WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE BURNING IT OUT.

>> THERE A TIME WHEN the brightest minds in

the world believed that the earth was

flat. And up until like what, 50 years

ago, you all thought the atom was the

smallest thing until you split it open

and this like whole mess of crap came

out?

Now, are you telling me that you are so

unbelievably arrogant that you can't

admit that there's a teeny tiny

possibility that you could be wrong

about this?

There might be

a teeny

tiny

possibility

Can't believe you caved.

>> What?

>> You just abandoned your whole belief

system.

>> I mean, before I I didn't agree with

you, but at least I respected you. But

>> no, how how are you going to go into

work tomorrow?

>> How How are you going to face the other

science guys? How How are you going to

face yourself?

That was fun. So, who's hungry?

>> Oh, hey you guys.

>> Oh, hey.

>> Hi.

>> Hey, listen. Let me ask you. Do you

believe in soulmates?

>> Oh, yes, I do. I do. I believe that

there is one perfect person out there

for everyone. And you know how you find

them? You stop looking for them. That's

why I've stopped looking for Russell

Crow.

>> He'll find me.

>> Uhhuh. And you?

>> No. I mean, I believe that certain

people are more suited for each other,

and I believe in falling in love, but

soul mates, I don't think they exist.

>> Okay, good.

>> Why?

>> Well, last night I met Monica's.

>> What?

>> Yeah. I I had a date with this guy, and

I swear to God, he is her other half.

>> Come on, don't be crazy. You don't think

there's somebody out there better suited

for Monica than me, do you?

>> But what's he like?

>> Well, he's tall.

>> Uh-huh.

>> He has brown hair.

>> Of course. Of course.

>> A tall guy with hair similar to mine.

Oh, a noble universe.

>> He works with food. Oh, sure. Older,

>> obviously. And he's British.

>> I was JUST GOING TO ASK.

>> YEAH.

>> And he's he's so centered and mature and

confident. Oh, it's so sad they never

had a chance to meet.

>> Luckily, the guy she settled for can't

hear what you're talking about.

>> Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, and maybe I'm

wrong. I But you know what? I'm going to

go out with him again. I'll find out

more.

>> You believe that this guy is destined

for somebody else and you're still going

to date him?

>> Well, he may not be my soulmate, but

girls got to eat.

>> Oh. Oh,

>> hi.

>> Hi.

>> Um, Chandler, Monica, this is Dawn.

>> Oh, hello.

>> Hello. Nice to meet you, too. How are

you?

>> Tall, mate.

>> So, what have you guys been doing?

>> Well, we just had a terrible lunch at

Adriatica. What is with all the sundried

tomatoes at that place?

>> I know. What is this, 1985?

>> That's exactly what I said, Phoebe.

Isn't that strange?

>> Not really.

>> What's wrong with sundried tomatoes?

>> On a barbecued chicken pizza?

>> No.

So, Dom, what what other restaurants do

you like?

>> Well, Octavio 27 and 7. Oh, there's this

great little place, Alessandro.

>> Oh my god, that's my restaurant. I'm the

chef there.

>> You're kidding me. You your food is

fantastic. Wow. I really want to talk to

you about your menu. I'm just going to

get some coffees first. Um, anyone want

anything?

>> No, I'd like a latte. You know what? If

you're going to talk about me, I'm going

to go with you.

>> What are you doing?

>> Nothing. I swear to God, I didn't know

you guys would be here. And the good

news is you don't even believe in

soulmates. So

>> I believe in tall, handsome strangers

who hit on my wife.

>> They're just talking. And you know what?

Just cuz I think they're soulmates

doesn't mean anything's going to happen.

>> Maybe good work.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. I was afraid I love him.

>> Don't worry, we'll find you someone

else.

>> My life's gone pretty well, but I look

around and I just see so many people who

have accomplished so many of their goals

by the time they're 30. Yeah, but you

shouldn't compare yourself to me.

>> There you go.

>> I did it. One mile on a hiphop.

That's it. That's everything I wanted to

do before I was 30. Except I wanted to

patch things up with my sister.

>> Oh well. But yay.

>> And And girls, this thing is a godsend,

if you know what I mean.

>> Hey, I'm here.

>> Oh. Oh my god.

>> You like it?

>> Oh my god.

>> It's my new apothecary table.

>> Ros Stevie is going to be here any

second. She cannot see this.

>> Oh, why not? She'll She'll love it. It's

the real thing. I got a Pottery Barn.

>> I know you did. I bought the same one.

And if she sees your table, she's going

to know that I lied to her. I told her

that ours wasn't original.

>> Why did you do that?

>> Because she hates Pottery Barn.

>> She hates Pottery Barn.

>> I know. I know. She says it's all

mass-produced. Nothing is authentic. And

everyone winds up having the same stuff.

>> So, come on. She's going to be here any

second. Can we please just cover this up

with something, please?

>> What? No. No. I am not going to hide it

from Phoebe. Oh, although I did get some

great Pottery Barn sheets.

>> Oh, I forgot they made sheets.

>> Yeah.

>> I still can't believe she hates Pottery

Barn.

>> Ross, get over it. It's not like she

hates you.

>> Yeah, but Pottery Barn,

>> you know, when I think she's just she's

weird, you know? It's because she's a

twin. Twins are weird.

>> Ross, she's not weird. She just likes

her stuff to be one of a kind.

>> You know what's not one of a kind? A

twin.

>> Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, Phoe's here. Okay. So, let's turn on

all the lights and we'll just watch the

movie. Okay. Hey. Ooh, cool sheet.

>> Oh, you like it? You want to know where

I got it?

>> Sure. They got They GOT IT AT A FLEA

MARKET.

YOU BOUGHT YOUR SHEETS at a flea market.

>> Ross, come on. You got to loosen the

purse strings a little.

>> Hey babes, can you please not put your

feet up on my new

>> old sheet?

MY APOTHECARY TABLE.

WHAT? NO.

>> ROSS, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

>> I GOT IT AT POTTERY BARN. OKAY.

>> Oh my god. Baby, Pottery Barn has ripped

off the design OF OUR ANTIQUE.

>> WOW.

>> OH MY GOD. WELL, IF THEY'VE ripped off

our table, ours must be worth much more

than $1 in $50.

>> Well, this doesn't even smell like

opium.

>> Of course not. It smells like wine.

which you spilled. And thanks for

wrecking my sheet, by the way.

>> Oh, Ross, calm down. I'll give you the

80 cents.

Well, Glattus, say hello to your new

home.

>> Oh my

wow. Oh, she's so nice and big.

Oh, Monica, where are you going to

display Glattus oh so proudly?

You haven't really settled on a spot

yet.

>> Well, hey, how about right above the TV?

That way, it will be the first thing

that you see when you walk in the door.

Yeah. Yeah. And you can get rid of that

French poster. I like that poster.

Really doesn't have anything coming out

of it.

>> Or maybe there's some place for her in

your bedroom. Oh, there's nothing above

your bed. Are you still here?

>> Hey, listen. You know how uh when you're

wearing pants and you lean forward, I

check out your underwear?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, when Jake did it, I saw that he

was wearing women's underwear.

>> I know. They were mine.

>> Oh,

no. No, wait. That's weird.

>> No, it's not. We were just goofing

around and I dared him to try them on.

>> That's weird.

>> I'm wearing his briefs right now. That's

kind of hot.

>> I think so, too. And that little flap,

it's great for holding my lipstick.

>> Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.

>> And you know, Jake says that women's

underwear is actually more comfortable

and he loves the way the silk feels

against his skin.

>> Yeah. Well, next thing you know, he'd be

telling you that your high heels are

good for his posture.

There is nothing wrong with Jake, okay?

He is all man. I'm thinking even more

than you.

>> Oh yeah, he look like a real lumberjack

in those pink laces.

>> I'm just saying that only a man

completely secure with his masculinity

could walk around in women's underwear.

I don't think you could ever do that.

>> Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.

>> Okay, whatever.

>> You've seen my huge stack of porn,

right?

Yeah.

Hey, fibs.

>> Hey,

>> check it out.

>> Huh?

>> How much of a man am I?

>> Wow, nice. Manly and also kind of a

...

You know, I'm beginning to see what Jake

was talking about.

>> The silk feels really good.

>> Yeah. And and things aren't as smashed

down as I thought they were going to be.

>> It's great, Joe.

>> Yeah. And you have so many more choices

than you do with men's underwear.

Bikini, French cut, thong, and and the

fabrics. You got cotton, silk, lace, and

you know what? I've always wondered

about panty hoes. You know the way they

start at your toe and then they go all

the way up to

>> I should go take these off, shouldn't I?

>> I think it's important that you do

>> feel better.

>> Yeah. Much

Listen, uh not that I'm insecure about

my manhood or anything, you know, but uh

I think I need to hook up with a woman

like right now.

>> Yeah, I understand.

>> Yeah. Okay.

>> Hey. Hi.

>> Hi.

>> You know, you look familiar. Do I know

you from somewhere?

>> I don't think so.

>> Maybe it's because I'm on television.

>> I'm an actor on Days of Our Lives.

>> Wow.

>> Really?

>> Mhm.

>> 450, please. Oh,

>> let me get this.

These are for you.

>> Tie my shoes. So, you go ahead. I'll

catch up. Okay. Okay.

>> Come on. LET'S START RUNNING. LET'S GO.

You guys, I'm telling you, when she

runs, she looks like a cross between

Kermit the Frog and the $6 million man.

>> Monica had such a crush on him that she

used to kiss his poster every night

before she went to bed.

>> Oh, I used to do that, too.

>> Did you also have his album, It's Not

Easy Being Green.

>> Oh,

so Phoebe runs weird, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? And and I

know she's going to want to run again. I

just don't I don't know how to get out

of it. I mean, I live with her.

>> Why don't you just be straight with her?

Tell her the truth.

>> You're right.

>> You're right. I should just tell her the

truth.

>> Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Hey, Bab. Monica tripped me. I don't

think I can ever run again. Ever.

>> Why? Why would you do that?

>> I don't know.

>> Rachel, I'm I'm sorry that I hurt your

ankles. Ankle. We'll see.

>> Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. It's me. I saw you

grab your running shoes this morning and

sneak out. You lied so you could run by

yourself.

>> No. No, Phoebe. No, I was No, you know

what? I was I was actually just checking

to see if I could run, and I can.

>> Please, Rachel. I am not an idiot.

>> No, WAIT, PHOEBE.

HEY, PHOEI. Can I talk to you for a

second? Sure. Okay. Um, I

Phoebe, look, I just wanted to say that

I'm sorry. Okay. I handled the situation

horribly and and I should not have lied

to you.

>> So, what should you have done?

>> Well, I I should have told you the

truth.

>> Uhhuh. which is

well, you know, the reason that I didn't

want to go running with you is

because um well, you know, the way that

you run is just a little

So,

>> well, it's embarrassing. People were

looking at us like we were crazy.

>> Why do you care? Because they're people.

But people that you don't know and will

never see again.

>> Yes, but still they are people with

eyes.

Well, I didn't get embarrassed running

next to Miss.

>> But Oh, okay. No, no, I can see why

running with me would be embarrassing to

you. Yeah. Okay. You're uptight.

>> Well, I But I am not up to

Listen, I am not uptight, man.

That's okay, Rachel. I'm not judging

you. That's just who you are. me, I'm

more freak, you know. I run like I did

when I was a kid because it's the only

way it's fun, you know? I mean, didn't

you ever run so fast you thought your

legs were going to fall off? You know,

like when you were like running toward

the swings or or running away from

Satan,

the neighbor's dog.

I'm so sorry. You're right. This feels

great.

>> See, and you don't care if people are

staring. IT'S JUST FOR a second CUZ THEN

YOU'RE GONE.

>> GOD, I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING. I feel so

free AND SO GRACEFUL.

HEY, look out for the horse.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
fortune /ˈfɔːrtʃən/ A2	noun - what happens in the future, often referring to luck or fate
accurate /ˈækjərət/ B1	adjective - correct or exact
promotion /prəˈmoʊʃən/ A2	noun - advancement in rank or position
violent /ˈvaɪələnt/ A2	adjective - using or involving physical force intended to hurt or kill
scientific /ˌsaɪənˈtɪfɪk/ B1	adjective - relating to science or systematic study
discovery /dɪˈskʌvəri/ A2	noun - the act of finding or learning something new
dreams /driːmz/ A1	noun - a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep
universe /ˈjuːnɪvɜːrs/ B1	noun - all existing matter and space considered as a whole
together /təˈɡeθər/ A1	adverb - in or into one place, group, or whole
witty /ˈwɪti/ B1	adjective - showing or characterized by quick and inventive verbal humor
masseuse /mæˈsøz/ B1	noun - a woman who gives massages
erotic /ɪˈrɒtɪk/ B2	adjective - relating to sexual love or desire
unpopular /ˌʌnˈpɒpjələr/ A2	adjective - not liked or approved by many people
spirit /ˈspɪrɪt/ A2	noun - the non-physical part of a person that is often thought to remain after death
psychic /ˈsaɪkɪk/ B1	adjective - relating to or denoting faculties or phenomena that are ostensibly sensitive to non-physical or supernatural influences
ritual /ˈrɪtʃuəl/ A2	noun - a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order
cleansing /ˈklenzɪŋ/ B1	noun - the act of making something clean
semen /ˈsiːmən/ C1	noun - the thick white fluid containing sperm that is ejaculated by the male reproductive system
righteous /ˈrɪtʃəs/ B2	adjective - morally right or justifiable
embarrassing /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ A2	adjective - causing someone to feel self-conscious or ashamed

Key Grammar Structures

• Okay. So, when you're done with your tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell you your fortune.

  ➔ Future tense with 'will'

  ➔ The phrase 'I'll look' uses 'will' to indicate a future action.

• I actually stopped because I was so accurate, you know, and and you know, one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability.

  ➔ Relative pronoun 'that' omitted

  ➔ The sentence omits 'that' after 'because,' which is common in informal speech.

• I see a ladder, which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.

  ➔ Relative pronoun 'which'

  ➔ 'Which' is used to introduce a clause that describes the preceding noun.

• Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.

  ➔ Present perfect continuous

  ➔ The phrase 'have been spending' indicates an action that started in the past and continues to the present.

• Maybe he's the tea guy.

  ➔ Contraction 'he's'

  ➔ 'He's' is a contraction of 'he is,' used for brevity in informal speech.

• For the last couple of weeks, I've been seeing that guy everywhere I go.

  ➔ Present perfect continuous

  ➔ 'I've been seeing' indicates an action that started in the past and continues to the present.

• We take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, same dry cleaner.

  ➔ Parallel structure

  ➔ The sentence uses parallel structure with 'We take,' 'We go,' and 'same' to create a balanced and clear list.

• Someone does. Me.

  ➔ Emphatic pronoun 'Me'

  ➔ The use of 'Me' at the end of the sentence emphasizes the speaker's role.

• I'm here ready to play.

  ➔ Adverbial phrase 'ready to play'

  ➔ The phrase 'ready to play' functions as an adverbial phrase, describing the state of the speaker.

• You're coming on a little strong, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because seems the universe really wants us to be together.

  ➔ Subordinating conjunction 'because'

  ➔ 'Because' is used to introduce a clause that explains the reason for the preceding statement.