– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Hello. Hello everybody. Welcome to

episode 62 of I Just Got My Kid to

Sleep. That's how I always introduce it

by letting everyone know how many times

I've tried this so far. 60 62 times. And

uh I'm I am honored to say that uh every

time I do it, I post. There's no been

zero redoss. Zero re like when I have

something to change, I just change it

mid mid podcast. That's That's because I

want it to be real. I want to put out

something authentic and with little very

little effort. It's called I just got my

kid to sleep. And we're keeping the

trend up of I just got him to school.

That's what you could see this glowing

light. This is not night time. This

isn't the There isn't like a light

coming in that at night like that. It'll

go away. Maybe maybe not. Maybe this

this side of my face is going to be lit

um for the whole time. And uh yeah, I

got to move the mic down here so you

guys There we go. I don't know. We're

working on it. We're figuring it out.

Um I don't I I don't know. I don't I

don't know any I I woke up today. I

didn't I did shower yesterday. Don't I

have realized it as a parent that that's

like a secret weapon. This is my good

tip for for today. If you ever want just

like extra time, you just don't shower.

And uh if you're not a parent, you can't

necessarily get away with that because

you uh you interact with human like

adults. Um and they might not know it.

But as a parent, I guess if you go to

work, you got to shower. But I don't

know. I don't uh like I would just sort

of like, oh, I'll shower in the morning

and then the morning will happen. I'm

like, well, I got to take him to school

and then got to do the podcast and then

like and then it's just like you just

save all this time and then after a day

or like a one day or like a half three

day, you can uh you can really save some

time and then also uh that shower feels

really good and you you might have to do

two anyways to make up for it. Um but I

did shower yesterday but my hair is kind

of just like it's got like a wave. It's

like it's it's My hair doesn't have

muscles, right? But how does it just

stand up? When I was a kid, my hair

always stood up in the way that wasn't

like I should have put you can put stuff

in it, you know? I guess that's this is

just it's gonna One time I was in a

store and my hair was like just sticking

up and the lady that was at the register

was like, "Hey, your hair." And I was

like, I she said it as if as if I didn't

know and then I could fix it. Um, no,

I've never been able to fix it. I went

to the barber a lot as a kid and that

wasn't like that wasn't like the best

for fixing that situation. Like

um like I feel like they I don't know. I

feel I don't know. I've never been a

barber. I don't know if you know that

about me, but I never have. Not once.

like not even one time. Um, I've never

done it. And uh, I feel like if I did,

knowing where I'm coming from now and

from where other people have came came

in the past, that uh, I would understand

the physics of hair and that if you like

do a buzz around the back, the kid's

hair is going to stick up if there's not

enough hair to balance out the physical

the physics physical physics.

uh you know he believe my barber

believed in gravity way too much is what

I'm trying to say like it would just

always just like in the right in the

back it would just always and I had to

go to a salonist a stylist my friend's

mom uh she was great she is great I

haven't gone there I don't live there I

can't be responsible for maintaining

that haircut person relationship but

finally when I was like 17 years old I

met her my stylist and she understood

the physics of it. She's like, you can't

just Here's the thing. I feel like a

barber goes in, they do their thing, and

then they don't have to live with it,

you know? But I got I got so they don't

they like cut it and then they're like,

"It's fine now." But you got to see the

future. You got to know that it's going

to grow and if it grows in a different

way, then it's going to just stick up.

It just was always like this. It was

just like not My hair was shorter back

then, too. I think when it's shorter,

you have less less of a chance to make

mistakes. Um, when you're when your

hair's longer, you get you can like like

if it's messy over here, you can make it

messy over here and then it's just like,

oh, it's just it's just balanced out. I

never know when to get a haircut because

I feel like I feel like I like it the

way it looks after the haircut and then

it grows a little bit and like oh I like

this too and then it gets to a point

where I'm like I definitely need a

haircut but then like you I don't

schedule it right away because it's got

a I have a whole list of stuff that I

got to do, you know, and uh and there's

really got to be a good reason to to

schedule it. So, by the time I get

around to scheduling it, I look in the

mirror and it's grown in a little bit

more and I'm like, "Oh, I think I think

I'm about to turn a corner, you know,

like this is it." All started when I was

uh out of college and I got cast to play

the scarecrow in uh what? Wizard of Oz.

That that scarecrow. I was the Wizard of

Oz. I was the wizard. No, I was the

scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. It was a

theater hikes production, an outdoor

theater production. I was I was doing a

show, a stand-up comedy show in a casino

at the Chipins Casino and Resort in

Harris, Michigan. And uh they've redone

it since, but in the way it used to be

was there was the stage and then the bar

and then the people. And it wasn't just

like a normal bar in front of the stage.

It was a gambling bar. like people were

actively playing video poker while you

did your show. And I I got to host I

think I talked about it before. I paid

$150, which is which is a lot of money

today to do 10 minutes on a show um

that's not televised. And I remember

telling my older brother that I got it.

And he was like he was he's a math he's

an engineer or whatever at the time he

was. He's a lawyer now. And he was like,

"Yeah, but how far is it?" It was like,

you know, it was a good drive, a good

long drive. And he was like,

"Well, then it's not that much because

you have to drive so far." And it wasn't

like he was saying it in like a way of

like like he wanted it and he was

jealous. It was just like this is a fact

and there's no reason for me to be

excited. Anyway, I was excited until I

got to the show and people were gambling

in front. Like if you've ever done

standup comed standup comedian, have you

ever been a stand-up comedian doing

standup comedy without people gambling

in front of you, it's like this it's you

know even after doing it a long time,

you still got to connect. You got to

meet in a place in between. You gotta

get there, you know? You got to you got

to there's something between you that no

one can see or but you can feel it and

the whole audience can feel it and when

it's right it's right and when it's not

right it's yeah it's still all right.

Um, but when people are gambling, it's

like I don't know. I feel that way when

I watch like uh the Olympics on TV

because I feel like they've worked their

whole life for this thing, right? And it

does. They don't care whether I'm

watching or not, but I'm like doing it

while I like full clothes or eat food,

which feels kind of insulting, but

that's just the comedian in me. Anyway,

I did the show and uh I remember the

feature and the headliner were were

nice, but uh after the show, you got the

good thing about doing shows at casinos

is you get a buff buffet

deal. Casinos usually give out really

good like food food credits. They really

like hooking you up. I don't know if

they like it, but they do it. They give

you good food credits. And so you uh I

got the food and then they had a pool

and I remember I remember the pool and

there was like a a beach painted on the

wall and uh and the pool's nicer now,

but I really liked I really remember

that beach because I went and swam in it

and I in the water and looked at the

painting and pretended like I was on a

real vacation. And then I went up to my

hotel room and uh there was a computer

for, you know, a business center. You

got to do business even when you're at

the chippens. And I looked for auditions

for plays

because I didn't want to do standup at a

casino in front of gamblers. I don't

think I consciously thought that. I

think I was very grateful for the gig.

Here's why I started doing stand.

started doing standup because uh I was

in college and I was doing a play and I

got backstage and I was like I want more

lines, you know, I didn't tell anybody

that that would be kind of rude, but I

just felt it and I'd always wanted to do

standup. So then I started doing standup

and then I was at the Chipins in Harris,

Michigan doing standup in front of

people that were losing money, actively

losing money for I didn't lose I didn't

lose money. I didn't gamble and I made

back my gas money plus some. Okay, older

brother. Uh but I was like there was

there's something in you as a human that

can look at that situation and can feel

like this is this is a good moment. This

is a happy I get to do a thing I like

and uh you know not every show is going

to be the one that knocks your socks

off.

Uh or I could look at and be like I'm

going to try to do a play. And so when I

auditioned for the Wizard of Oz and then

I did the Wizard of Oz and I was like I

think and I kept doing stand up and I

was like that was the last that was the

last play play I've done ever in my

life. That's a good life I've had where

I can be like, "Oh, my backup is

standup." And I'm like, "Let's go back

to plays."

Um, and uh, it was a theater hike and

uh, I was a scarecrow. Oh. Anyway, so

for the scarecrow, if you're familiar

with the character, uh, it's not he's

not a big part of Wicked. So, if you've

seen that play play, you seen the movie.

I don't know if he's in it. Yeah, I've

only seen the musical. Um, the musical

is a movie, but the live one. I gotta I

gotta tell you that. Uh, so,

um, the scare scarecrow has a lot of,

uh, straw and so the director's like,

"You should just grow your hair out."

Cuz we were going to save money on straw

that way. You don't have to put as much

straw, you can make your hair look like

straw. It's a smart move. And so I let

my hair grow. And uh, I went to go visit

my agent, my commercial TV agent, who

uh, one of the most supportive people in

my life really. I mean, it's been many,

many, many, many years. And uh I've

earned them very very very little money

and they still answer the phone probably

because they think someone else is

calling but

uh no nowadays. Um but they've always

been super nice and I think that's

incredible. Chicago is a great city to

start out in. And they were like, "Oh,

we we like your haircut like that." And

I was like, "Oh, this is just my

scarecrow look." But then I got head

shot and then I was like, "Now now

sometimes my hair gets long." So that's

that story. if uh anybody was ever

wondering like how I went. How did you

get from here to here? You know, I think

that's the main because it's when it's

how you're professionally look and now

it's like I don't really audition that

much anymore. I mostly just do stand up

and in standup I can look however I

choose to look. I can look in the mirror

and be like that's who you should look

like today or I can look in the mirror

and be like I need a haircut. And uh

I I uh but when you have like a head

shot and your hair is like a little long

and then they call you in and it's

really short. I don't know how they do

that. I should talk to like people who

really do just act for a living because

if your hair is like kind of long,

right? And then that's what your head

shot looks like. Real estate people

might know this too. I wonder if real

real estate real estate people ever

throw people off if they get a haircut

and it's different than their picture.

Like I'm gonna sell you this house.

Whoa. Whoa.

You're not the guy that I sat on the

bench with. I was sitting on a bench and

I was looking at you and now you look

different. I can't even look at this

house because I can't even look at you.

Have to take this all in. It's weird how

much hair is a person and also is not a

person, you know, because it's it's

really just a color and a length and a

style and a texture and uh I guess it's

a lot and uh I'm really leaning back

now. Um but I like I like I feel like

this angle is good. So,

um I can pretend I'm sitting on the

beach at Chippins indoor pool that looks

like a beach on the wall. So, because it

it's just but like if someone has a

haircut that looks like somebody, oh

that person looks like that person.

Maybe maybe like a haircut plus a

defining characteristic. Oh, you look

like that person. Isn't that crazy? Like

one time when I was in my younger years,

I uh I had a friend of a friend and we

all hung out one time and then uh we

ended up like going out on a date and it

was really nice and she had blonde hair

and then we went out on another date and

she had brown hair. No warning. No. And

like I've I've uh I haven't, you know,

been in a lot of relationships but I've

never discriminated on hair color or any

color. Um, but like I I was a little bit

thrown if I'm gonna be

honing like an audition, you gotta if

you're if you show up to the first

audition and then you look different at

the call back. It's just like But

anyway, we She was really nice. We're

friends. Um I think I think we are I'm

friends. I'm a lot of friends. A lot of

friends. Um, but yeah, so there's that.

So I don't know what the moral I think

the moral is that uh I don't think you

do should do stuff because you feel like

you don't want to do something else even

though that's what that story was and it

still turned out pretty good. So maybe

it doesn't matter. Anyway, today is

episode 62 of I just got my kid to

sleep. I'm Michael Palisac and my

haircut looks like I just woke up

because I kind of did and uh No, but I

took Jack to school and then I did that

podcast I met I meditate. I don't know

if I've never talked about this. Uh I

don't really know if I'm doing it right,

but I just sort of lay there and I

listen to a noise that's not like that's

just I can like focus on listening and

then my body my whole body re relaxes

and I've fallen asleep before. I've had

some people are like, "Don't lay down

because you'll fall asleep." My uh my

uncle was teaching me how to meditate

because I was like feeling stressed and

um and I I uh and it was like when I was

in college or something and he was like,

"You don't want to lay down because you

could just fall asleep." And I was like,

"Well, I think that would be good, too."

Like, I've had multiple people talk

about meditating and they're like,

"Well, you know, you don't if you fall

asleep, it doesn't count." Well, but

sleeping is also good. You know, they'd

be like if you went to the gym and

they're like, "All right, you got to do

the bench press." And if you uh if you

don't lay down on this bench press, then

you're not doing the bench press. And

that's how you do the bench press. And

you're like, "Well, yeah, but I also

might go for a jog, which is

good." Did that metaphor track? So,

anyway, I was uh I'm really leaning. I

feel like the camera shot is this is me

relaxed. No, I don't I don't know. I

just want the I feel like when you do a

podcast, you really got to speak into

the mic, you know, because people people

that's all people have. Unless they're

watching the video, too. If you're

watching the video, you're like, why why

is he like leaning? He's got a lean.

He's a lean lean lean. Thank you for

everyone for listening still to all of

them all the podcasts. Um, I was in um,

where was I? Uh, I got home yesterday.

Yesterday was a good day because I got

to sleep a little bit. Whenever I travel

on Mondays, I get to Today's Tuesday. I

don't usually do this on Monday. Um,

whenever I travel on t Mondays, I get to

sleep a little bit because I I can't get

my son until he gets done with school,

which is about 300 pm. 2 to 3 p.m. So,

it's a loose It's a flexible pickup. And

uh I picked him up because that's you

know I wanted to get him and we went to

the grocery store. I had the option.

Okay. I had the option of leaving him in

at school or going to the grocery store

by and going grocery store by myself or

picking them up and taking them with me.

And I did the pickup plan which I was

fine with. I don't know if everyone at

Trader Joe's liked it. Uh because here's

the the Trader Joe's by me, it's, you

know, I live in a city and they are

economical with their space and kids

when you pick them up from school. If

you go to a playground, they're going to

run. If you go to a Trader Joe's,

they're going to run. And uh I'm over

it. You know, I'm getting I'm really

getting past the point where I'm

embarrassed for my child. I'm just like,

okay, yep, you're running and no one's

getting hurt. You're not running into

somebody. All right.

All right, that that's where we're at

today.

Um, so so he's like riding he's speaking

out very loudly for and against my

purchases, which like I don't know if

you've ever been out with somebody uh

like a it might have to be a kid

probably your kid. If it's a if it's

like a kid's friend, I don't know if it

would work the same way because it's

really like family has a very specific

relationship where you you have a lot of

jokes and inside voice like inside

things that are like different voices

and stuff and you just know that stuff

and other people don't. So my kids like

basically screaming about the food that

we're getting and I I'm I don't think

it's funny. I know it's funny because I

know he's not being serious.

Like he's just not that kid that's like,

"No, no bananas, dad. No bananas." Like

he's not he's never believed in anything

that much when it comes to what I get at

the grocery store when not getting like

he wants the stuff he wants. But that's

what he's doing everywhere. Everything

we're like, "No, no tomato. No tomatoes.

No tomatoes, Dad." Just throughout the

whole grocery store. Apples. No, Dad. No

apples. No apples, Dad. No apples. I

want carrot cake

muffins. Well, those are cupcakes. Yeah,

he said he just had cupcakes. And it was

uh I knew what he was doing was funny,

but no one else was laughing. And uh

there's a chance it wasn't, but I knew

he was like his aim was comedic and he

wasn't really just being difficult. Um

yogurt dad. We need yogurt. Yogurt dad.

And I realized too that like there's the

kid out there that just demands

everything. And Jack is him, but like

he's a nice version, you know, who like

listens when I sort of agree or

disagree. And

uh and

and but nobody else knows that. They

just think there's this kid being like,

"Yogurt, dad, yogurt." I'm like, "Where

am I? I buy the yogurt dad. I want the

yogurt. Yogurt dad." And uh there's also

a chance as I'm repeating it now that I

I am uh sort of gaslighting myself into

thinking that's okay, but I anyone

anytime maybe it's because I'm a

comedian. Anytime someone's making an

effort, I'm just like, well, thanks.

Thanks for trying. You know, it's it's

hard out there. And you never say that

when someone makes a joke. That's not a

nice thing to say. If someone does tries

to make you laugh and you're like, "Ah,

it's hard." That's That's not nice. It's

not like if they're if someone's like uh

I don't know like climbing a mountain or

building a shelf and they don't do it,

you can be like that's hard to do. Um

but when someone tells a joke and it

doesn't work, you like it's hard to do

that. That's that's a better joke than

whatever. If you want to make a better

joke than the joke they just bond with,

that's the joke. Someone says something

funny, tries to, it doesn't work. You

can be like, "Yeah, it's not easy." That

That's a little comedy. Yeah. I don't I

don't give out a lot of comedy, but

that's that's

everybody's. Maybe everybody knew that.

So, anyways, we went to Trader Joe's

instead. I could have left them at

school. And um I go back and forth, you

know, because there's like an after

school thing and and they get to play

with his friends, but sometimes he say

he doesn't have friends, which as a

six-year-old, like we've gone back and

forth about this because he says he had

friends at his preschool, right? And

that at this school, he and I don't know

if that means he just doesn't know them

as well. Well, I mean, it's almost the

end of the year, but anyways, I'm like,

I'm going to pick him up early if he

doesn't like being there because when I

was a kid, we always got we just came

home from school after school, but then

we played with our friends. So, it's

like, what's the difference between

playing at your house versus like

playing at school? I think there's a big

difference. Um, but anyway, we went to

Trader Joe's and then we came home and

uh I was putting the groceries away and

then we played a little bit and then we

went to my gym because he has on Mondays

is a My Gym double header. He has ninja

training, you know, because it's 2025,

but you never need know when you're

going to need your ninja

skills. He wanted to do gymnastics and I

want him doing gymnastics, but it's the

same time. Well, it's the same day as

like another thing like soccer practice.

And I'm so excited when he does soccer

practice because it's like outside and

uh it's similar to my life. So, it just

feels okay. Like when I was a kid, I

played soccer. A lot of kids play soccer

and a lot of kids don't do

gymnastics. So anyway, my gym and then

after that they have practice and play

and um it's like free and the parents

get to go to and uh we were just making

different obstacle courses which I liked

because previously at my gym that sounds

like a TV show that's to be continued.

Previously at my gym, practice and play.

Um they have this thing that uh it's

padded and it's a tube and it's big and

Jack would go in there, he would lay

down and he have me roll them back and

forth and every time I did it he would

say

faster. And uh I don't know if you know

about me but you only have to say that

one time and I'm doing my fastest. you

know, maybe two, maybe one time I'll go

a little faster and then if you say

faster

again, I'm maxing out on fast fast

speed. So, I'm like pushing him across

the my gym floor at like, you know, a

semi-pro, not am I middle-aged,

middle-aged football player level? Like

pretty fast. I'm hitting it. I'm

sweating. Like, this is my gym now, too.

and he just keeps keeps saying faster

and then other kids want to do it and

then we give them a turn but then they

get bored and then we just keep doing it

for like a 45 minute stretch and uh and

then I start to wonder like what's the

overall health thing because we signed a

waiver you know and uh they're not

responsible for how this goes. They're

just not. If uh if this is lasting

damage, that was on me. But also, if you

put a padded tube that you can roll, I

feel like you can push somebody in it.

Anyway, this time he didn't do it one

time. We just did this obstacle course I

made up. And everything's a video game

now for him, which is like he takes

things from video games and he puts it

into like how he plays in real life. if

like we FaceTime my parents last night

and we were playing hide-and-seek and I

was wondering when this was going to

happen which is kind of sad when like he

realized that all the spots in the

apartment are kind of like known and uh

that when we can't find him it's just

you know us having fun letting him play

more. So yesterday he did a thing where

he hid in the bathroom and then he had

like uh one of my trophies here come out

and ask my parents questions in order to

unlock the magic door to try to find

Jack. And uh my parents were so like I

couldn't tell if they like, you know,

like they like playing with their

grandson, but also like I think when you

FaceTime with a kid, they expect them to

like his cousins. I think when they

FaceTime, they sit in front of a

computer and they tell them about their

week or their day and then they go on to

the next kid. But Jack, that's not how

he facetimes. He facetimes by including

you in every part of his life. And if

you're holding the phone, then you're

just the guy on the phone. Like when we

were younger, I think uh Family Matters

had an episode where Steve Urkel was

like a robot. There's a Bob's Burgers

episode where they put a screen on a

thing and move the like that's just

you're just in our lives now. And uh my

mom texted me afterwards saying that

that she liked the FaceTime, which I

think they kind of had to because they

could like we I could tell that they

were like confused by all the questions.

Like Jack's first question like he's we

played uh Paper Mario which is kind of

like an RPG game which is like a game

where it's not as much about skill as it

is about like strategy or whatever. So

he I would read him the question and

then like that's what happened in the

game. like you have to answer these

questions to move on to different

levels. And so he just starts doing that

and he's like, "Who's the most powerful

person?" And my dad says, "An elf, which

isn't a bad guess, you know, a magic

elf. That's that's playing along right

there. Way to go, grandpa." And then my

mom is just like confused. And the

trophy guy, so Jack's holding this

trophy outside the door. I'm not gonna

He's just like as if it's the trophy's

talking. It's very adorable as the dad.

Um, and uh, I also, sidebar, like it

when someone in my life gets to deal

with what I put up with all the time.

Like where it's like, oh, we can't just

do a thing. We got to do this special

version of it. I mean, you don't have

to, but when the kids excited about it,

so my, and then Jack's like, "Wrong. The

most powerful person in the world is the

queen." And if you want to try again,

knock on the door. So, I knock on the

door again and he's like, "Who's the

most powerful person in the world?" And

uh my dad's like, "The Joker." And I'm

just like, "He gave us the answer." And

then my mom's like,

"God." Okay, mom.

Um this what video game is she play?

Like that's

not Why did it have to get so like real

in her mind? like we better say God

right now because the most powerful

person in the world. I I don't know. We

go to church, you know, we know stuff.

Anyway, I just I just I just like the

con the disparity the connection of like

this is a make makeup game and my dad

doesn't listen to the answer and does a

new answer and then my mom's like says

God and then I I said I said the queen

because I listened and then there were

like two more. One was a physical

challenge where he moved his finger six

times he had to count it. One more is he

was like, "How many times I move my

thumb?" And the answer was

zero. And uh that's what I'm going

through right

now. And that's

where, you know, people some people I'm

sure I'm sure they get their kid to

sleep and their kid gets a lot of rest

and they're well rested for school, for

life. They're prepared for life. And

some kids

uh don't want to go to sleep, so they

find creative

ways to engage with the people that are

putting them to sleep. And I'm not

saying it's just as valuable, but it's

it is enjoyable. Um so anyway, last

weekend I was in Texas, Tyler, Texas,

which I didn't even know Tyler wasn't

just a name. I thought Tyler was only a

name, but it's a city in Texas where

they have the Red Dirt Music Festival

and I I did not perform in that because

I don't perform Texas country. I don't

know if that's the accent. Texas has its

own country music. Did you know that? I

didn't know that. I mean, I feel like

every state probably has people who

perform music and they're like, "Oh,

this is our people." You know, but Texas

is like like I was told that there's

Texas country musicians and they just

tour Texas and they make their living

touring Texas and if they ever go

mainstream, everybody in Texas is like,

"Well, then you're out. Goodbye. See you

later." That was the impression the

comic club owner gave me. That was the

the the

u I don't know if that's real. I found

the people in Texas to be there's a

stereotype about Texas and uh maybe it's

because of Jerry Jones or Jimmy Johnson

in my head where you just see the

Cowboys and saying how about them

Cowboys. Um but uh everyone I've met

personally in Texas has been very kind,

but maybe only kind people go to comedy

shows. I was at uh the Rose City Comedy

Club in Tyler, Texas. And uh it's a very

beautiful venue. Like the lights, the

the the things, the the lamp, the

sconces, the the sconces were pointed

out to me. They have a really good

shuderie board. It's uh if you're in the

Tyler area, um check it. Apparently,

also Tyler has really good barbecue, but

that might just be because it's Texas,

but I heard Kansas City is good

barbecue. St. Louis has really good

barbecue. Where is the good barbecue at?

Also, in my search for good barbecue.

I've had Tennessee barbecue. That was

There's a place up the street from me in

California that's really good barbecue.

And I And I know it's good barbecue

because it's like in a shack. Like, it's

not even like a restaurant you can sit.

You just got to take it to go. And it's

expensive. Um, but like where is the

good bar? Like how come where I've never

had barbecue and been like well this

one's lower. Like it's all been good. I

think it's all just a trick just to be

like try our barbecue because it's the

best. But I heard Stanley's in Tyler,

Texas is the best barbecue and I didn't

wake up early enough to go. Not that I

was slept at super late, but I went to

church on Saturday because I know that

thanks to my mom who is the most

powerful person in the world. Um, and

then uh and then I had to drive to

Oklahoma City. I did a Mother's Day show

in Oklahoma City at Bricktown Comedy

Club. And uh that was that was the

people that came out to the show were

very nice, very fun show. I had a lot of

fun. And then this week, this week I go

back to Texas. I'm turned into a Texas

comedian. I'm doing San Antonio, who did

not get the lottery pick, and uh Corpus

Christi on Friday and Saturday. So LOL

comedy club. It's not it's it's a comedy

club. It's not just a cell phone with uh

LOL. That's the joke. And then

uh Friday and Saturday, I'm at uh

Mosquite Street.

Um, so that sounds like it has good

barbecue, too. Mosquite Street. So,

Friday, Saturday, Corpus Christi.

Thursday, I'll be at um LOL in San

Antonio. And uh so I'm just going back

to Texas. That's just the way it is. I

probably could have stayed in Texas, but

I'm I just got my kid to sleep. You

know, I'm a dad. I can't just be staying

in Texas right now. Okay. Okay,

everybody. I love your state. I'm not

against it. I grew up a Bills fan, so I

had a problem and now I'm over it.

Dallas has struggled a lot lately and

based the lottery pick. Um, if you don't

know what the lottery pick is, here's

here's a little basketball. So, a friend

of mine was just telling me, a new

friend, I don't know, uh, but we were

talking about basketball and she was

saying that uh she doesn't like the

squeaking of the shoes. It's very

distracting. And I'd never noticed it

before until she said it and then I'm

like, "Oh, that is squeak." I noticed

the squeaking, but it just kind of goes

away. You know, I feel like it's just a

part of the thing. That'd be like to me

being like, "Oh, I'll go to the ballet,

but I just don't like the outfits, you

know? That's just what they wear."

Whenever I hear the squeaking on the

basketball floor, I'm like, "Oh, that's

that's that's effort. They're stopping.

They're starting." I like wearing

basketball shoes in real life so I can

get the squeaking because I then I feel

like, oh, I'm I'm keeping it going,

right? Who's who's going to guard this?

Nobody. You're in a Trader Joe's. You're

trying to catch up with your kid.

Still, I love it when Jack finds a

uh uh uh what is it called? Free sample

at the grocery store. That's very

exciting as a parent

because they want something. They want

things all the time. Kids always want

things. They've realized that they're

going to get the things they need like

food and shelter. Hopefully, you know,

hopefully you want if once they do that,

then they're like, "Well, what else can

I get? I want everything and I want it

now. I want it now." That should be so

No. Um, and I really like free samples

because we I get to give him a thing

which is good. I don't have to feel like

I'm giving in

financially. Um, and and it's we'll go

ahead and I pick it up and I give it to

him and then he tries it and then when

he doesn't like it because kids can be

picky, I get to be like, "We're not

getting it." You know, normally in a

situation with a child, you get them a

thing that they ask for over and over

and over and over and over again.

They're like, "Oh yeah, let's try new

things." And then they're just like,

"I'm done." But at the at the free

sample place, it's just like, "Yeah,

you're not going to like this. Let's see

it." I think what I like a little bit is

seeing my son disappointed at his own

workings because I feel like I've

disappointed him so much that to see him

disappoint himself, it just, you know,

it just balances things out. I haven't

like really disappointed him on

anything. like no like real like real

disappointment. He's six. He doesn't

notice really. Like I travel for work

I'm around like like over half the time.

But

um when I leave and then when I come

back he doesn't know how many maybe he

does now know how many days but uh he

can feel it anyway. No real

disappointment but like oh I want this.

Yeah we're not doing that. There was one

time we went out, we went to a Walgreens

last week because I had to get something

and he asked for three different kinds

of gummy bears and I was like, "No, no,

no." Like I like it in a child's head

that he can be like, "I want these kind

of gummy bears. That kind of" and I'm

like, "No." But and then he's the kid's

thought is it's not like, "Oh, dad

doesn't want me to buy candy right now."

He's just like, "I gotta get a different

kind of gummy bear. That's it. That's

right. Okay, dad can have these pirate

ship gummy bears which you almost I

don't think they were pirate ship gummy

bear but there was like one that I was

like that is pretty cool but I still I

still stuck to it. That's the good part

about being a parent when you get

frustrated with your situation because

we were trying to get somewhere. We had

a we're trying to pick out a school and

there was an afterchool thing, a STEM

experience, science, technology,

engineering, math for kids at the school

they were looking at and he uh we were

going to go and he was excited and I was

excited but we had to do all this stuff

first and I was getting angry at myself

because we uh we went to the bank and

this is just it started out as a short

story. Um we went to so Easter happened,

right? uh before that was lent, before

we're not going to go back to the very

beginning, but uh he got a lot of change

in his Easter eggs from the Easter Bunny

and he's like, "Dad, I want to buy Super

Mario Wonder for the Switch." We I don't

have a Switch, but his mom has a Switch

and I was like, "I'm not going to not

I'm not going to not deny." So, I was

like, "Well, let's see how much Easter

money you have. You know, I don't think

he has enough for it, but uh you know,

that's an easy way to learn about

money." And he has like an old gift card

or something for his birthday or Target.

So, I was like, "Maybe you'll be able to

get it then." So, when I was living in

Illinois, there's a bank called uh I

can't remember the name of it. The First

Midwest, and you take your change and

they pour it in a thing, and then they

give you the cash. And I was like, "Oh,

that's just everywhere." And then we

went to Chase Bank. Chase Bank, not to

speak about Chase Bank in a negative

way, but we're noticing. I don't know if

you noticed, Chase, Chase, but we

noticed, which I Googled later. I found

out a lot of big banks are like this.

So, big banks, man, you think they're

the best thing in the world and then you

find out this. I always thought they

were perfect and nice. Everyway ch we go

to Chase and I have all this change and

I'm like, "Hey, can you tell me how much

can you give me cash for this?" And

they're like, "Oh, you got to roll it."

And I have like a six-year-old sprinting

around a bank. Oh, you want me to roll

this? Yeah, let me let me fit that into

my schedule. And I didn't say that. I

didn't I'm not a big like blaming the

person, blaming the messenger thing. I'm

not going to I'm not gonna shoot the

messenger for sure. Definitely blame the

messenger. That's got to be a rough job

messaging.

Messaging. How is messaging? How is it

messenger when they're passing on a

message? It should be a messenger. Who

ruined our

language? Messenger. I was just like

kind of stunned. And they're like,

"Well, we can give you papers to roll

them with." Like, and I was like, "No."

Cuz that was my way of getting back at

them. I was like, "No, I'm not taking

your I'm not taking your the minimum

amount of assistance you can

give." And uh you know what I realized

just now? I think the reason that they

don't have a machine like that is

because they're such a big bank that

they don't need change. Man, sometimes

you just miss CO.

Like I think they would have taken them

then when there weren't quarters out

there.

No.

Inappropriate.

Um so now I have a bunch of change and

some

papers. But I think what I'm gonna do is

I'm gonna fly back with them to uh the

Chicago area. First I should call my

bank is no longer First Midwest. It's

Old National and I should ask if I can

turn in my change there. They have a

machine. If they do, it's going to

change

everything. Everything was one way, but

now it's about to change. Oh, here's a

story. Um I lost my keys and I have

spares. It's okay. But uh I get I have

to get like a new building key. And my

building manager was like, "Oh, you have

to I'll drop it off." But she forgot.

And then I saw her on her way out and

she's like, "Oh, I forgot, but I'll drop

it off later. I have jury duty." And I

was like, "Ah, I'm sorry." And she's

like, "Actually, I'm looking forward to

it." And she has like a baby, like a

one-year-old. I'm like, "Oh, that's

that's a very parent of a baby answer."

Like, "Jury, dude, I got to go to this.

I gotta go to this." What? But I have to

Yeah. Well, you got to watch your baby

because I This is I This is illegal to

not go. Well, it says you're not even

one of the first. I know, but I gota I

gotta go. I gotta go to this. I'm going

I'm going to go now. It's Friday. I'm

going to get a head start. I'm do

research on how to be a juror. Jurorer.

No, she was excit She's like, I'm not.

It's not a big deal. She was

excited. And I think when people are not

parents, they feel

differently. Anyway,

um, what

else? Oh, we went I think I don't think

I talked about this. Oh, there's a

couple things. There's a couple more

couple more

things. So, first thing is uh this is uh

like I I've talked about before, my my

son really likes video games. We play

together. I don't just have him hand him

a thing. I don't just hand him a switch

in his hand and just put him in the No,

we we're very engaged. It's usually a

Wii. There's like shaking and aggressive

and like we have joy. It's like watching

a movie, but you're in it. Anyway, so uh

we're playing Super Mario Galaxy 2. And

if you've never played that game, here's

something I learned from it. Uh you have

to get stars, right? It's a Mario thing.

And um you have to get enough stars to

go on to the next level. And we got all

the way to the end, but then there's a

bonus level, which great. And uh and I

have night not nightmares, but I have

like a some stuff in my chest from

playing Nintendo when I was a kid

because those games were hard and nobody

cared. And there were no like secrets.

There was a Game Genie, but it was like,

what are you doing? This is And you just

give up and go play outside. That was

the benefit of games being hard back

then. You would just give up and go play

outside. Now it's like, well, you get

here's 20 extra lives. Yeah. What is

every game Contra now? Like it's just in

there. So anyways, we're playing Super

Mario Galaxy 2. They save. They say like

to save as a kid, you gota just turn the

TV off and keep the game on. Anyway, so

we're playing Super and the hardest

parts of Super Mario Galaxy 2 aren't

even like the bad the bosses. For me,

it's like there's these timed levels

where there's this monkey who's like

racing you in a thing. You got to knock

up a bunch of You got to knock over a

bunch of eggs. You got to skate around.

Mario can skate. Did you know that? Uh

and then all or like get all the coins

by jumping on these heads and get like

10,000 points. And um or you got to fly

through a thing. And there's a couple I

haven't beaten yet, but there was

there's been a couple where I did. And

the thing I learned from it is like near

the end it would look like we didn't

have a chance. Like because it's it's

clocking down. It's like 10, nine,

eight. And it I would look at the score

and where we were and it looked like we

didn't have a chance. And the times

where I let that get into my head where

I was like, "Okay, we're done. It's

over. Let's try again." Is I would never

do it. I would never come

close. Sometimes I would come clo, but I

would never be. But the time, the two

times where I was like, "That's how much

time I have. This is where we're at.

Let's just keep playing. Just keep

playing." The game would like unlock a

way to earn more points at the very end

so I could

win. And I think that's how life could

be. That when things look hard and it

looks like the clock's running down, if

you just if you buy into that, then it's

over. then not your life, but like

whatever you're going for the odds of

you do. But if you just stick with what

you're doing regardless of that clock,

regardless of the points, you could keep

track. You don't have to ignore it, but

you just keep going, there's a chance

that the world might open up for you in

a way that allows you to win something

that you didn't think was

possible. There's tears in my eyes right

now.

So, I learned that from Super Mario

Galaxy 2. Specifically, the There's the

one where you're flying like a bird and

you got to beat all these other

birds and we were losing to the very

last second. I think games do that on

purpose because they want it to be

exciting. And then there was another one

that we like won at the very last

second. So, anyways, that was that was

one of the things I wanted to talk

about. And then uh we went to McDonald's

to get ice to get food because Jack uh

really likes Minecraft and not the game.

He just saw the movie and they have the

Minecraft toys at McDonald's. And last

week we went and got one and it was like

one he really liked and then uh last

week he was like, "Dad, we should go go

to McDonald's today too because we

haven't collected all the toys yet and

they're not going to be there forever."

And I was like, I shouldn't be the

parent in this situation. Like, yeah,

you're right. We should go. We should go

every day. I should go when I'm out of

town. Like, and I'm not even kidding

you. I believe that if you're going to

collect one, why not get all of them? If

you love the movie, get all the Happy

Meal toy. You know how much I love

looking at old Happy Meal toys? I have

like four still, and they're at my

parents house in this toy thing. And

they were good toys back then. They were

pullback toys. I I I'll put a video up

someday. They were they were pretty

solid toys. There used to be a

restaurant in Chicago. Maybe there still

is. It was a Thai restaurant and you'd

walk into you go to the bathroom. It was

the best one of the best bathrooms in

the city. You walk in the bathroom and

all over the walls they had like

attached old Happy Meal toys. It was

just like walking into your childhood. I

would just sit there, stand there and

just look around. And you know what they

talk about nostalgia and the trap of

nostalgia of like, well, you can never

go back, right? So why feel like you

should? But I in those moments I didn't

feel like I was going back. I feel like

they were old friends coming to me now,

you know? And I feel like that with

video games too, like old video like I

feel like they're it's not like me

reliving my childhood. It's me enjoying

something now that I enjoyed as a kid,

too. Maybe I'm addicted to nostalgia and

this is like I need intervention. But um

I agree. I was like, "Yeah, we should

go." So we went to uh McDonald's and we

got the Happy Meal. We've gotten a

different one every time. Shout out to

the McDonald's and Burbank with the

Playplace. Um, and there's a play area,

too. So, it's like a free play area,

which McDonald's play areas are not

built for parents, but I'm in there.

And,

uh, cuz playing with Jack, you know, you

play. You play. How long do you get to

play? We play anyway. So, other parents

are not playing, and I feel a little I

don't feel judged. I do feel like it'd

be nice if other player parents were

playing, but

uh, I don't want to show anybody up is

what I'm saying. So anyways, we're

playing. He gets the thing and I'm like,

"Okay, we'll go, but we're not getting a

slushie because I'm a dad and it's a

Wednesday. We have school tomorrow." And

he's like, "All right, we'll just get

ice cream." And I was like, "All right,

vanilla ice cream is probably a little

better than a than a slushie." So we get

a vanilla ice cream cone for him. And uh

it's huge. It's like 99 cent. I don't

know, but it's such a huge vanilla ice

cream cone for a Wednesday. That's a

Saturday vanilla ice cream cone. That's

a Saturday because we still have to go

to bed on Saturdays, too. This What are

we at? Disneyland. This is it's like a

it's like they looked at Jack and

they're like let's give him enough ice

cream that fill up the the height of

half his face. That's what they were

like. We're going to give you as much

ice cream as the the length of your

faces divided by two. And so he's eating

it. And like I feel this anxiety as a

parent because I want to just like eat

it for him. I'll do it if I have to.

I'll take on the sugar, the calories.

I'll I'll I'll jump on that sword. It's

almost the size of a small sword and

take that ice cream. But, you know, he's

there. Then there's the anxiety about

that that he's going to feel. So, I'm

like, "All right." And he's pretty good

at that age about just stopping when

he's done. So, he gets down to the cone

part, has a couple bites. He can eat a

cone now. Yeah. And uh and then he stops

and and he uh and he's like, "Can we

save this dad?" And so as a parent, I'm

like, "Well,

well, I don't want you to eat more, so

I'm gonna say yes." But I'm like, "How

are we going to save this ice

cream?" But then what we do is we go

back home. He's like, "You just put it

in the freezer." And so I did it, and

there was a halfeaten ice cream cone in

the freezer for a week, and then I threw

it away.

Anyway, that's that's what I've realized

as a parent. you can go along with a lot

and still get what you want. Like I

could have been like, "No, we're not

we're not saving that." And he would

have had to go through an emotional

experience and grow as a person. But

instead, I was like, "Sure." And now

there's still that hole where he could

have learned something is. So, it's not

better, but you get it. This really

picked up near the end, I feel like,

emotionally.

Um, yeah. Save this for me.

I've been doing a lot of shows lately

where people always ask your intro when

you do a show and uh they're like, "How

do you want me to bring you up?" or

whatever. And I have a YouTube special.

It's called He's Friendly. And it's

called that because I have a joke in my

special about people telling me that

their dog is friendly as their dog

chases after me. And uh I don't know

your dog. That's how your dog is

playing. I get that. But my instinct

isn't like, "Oh, friendly dog." When I

see something screaming at me and

galloping at me, like the wild animal

that he is deep down, I don't think,

"Oh, let me give him a hug." Like, I

don't think that. Okay. And the owner's

just like, "Hey, he's friendly. Well,

I'm convinced. Thank you. Thank you."

So, that's that joke. And it's a whole

thing. And that's not the whole joke.

That's not even part of the real. I just

made up that part. Uh that's like me

talking about the joke.

So this guys in in uh it's always funny

when like someone's really nice offstage

and on stage, but like then they go on

stage and they just mess up your intro

and it's just like you don't have to say

anything really. You could have just

said a really simple intro. You asked

something and then and he was like here

comes Michael or here he has a special

called I'm friendly. No, it's not called

I'm friend. Who would call their special

I'm friendly somebody?

Sure, but that's ridicul. That doesn't

No one's ever been like, let's go to

this comedy show. Why? Cuz he's

friendly. Like, no, it's the joke. It's

a joke. I am sure I'm friendly. I'm not

f there's there's waves, you know, but

it's about a dog. It's not I'm friendly.

The title of the special isn't he's

friendly because I'm also it's because

of this there's a dog and people say

that. Okay, can you get that universe

world? I was going to call it not

friendly because that's part of the joke

too and everyone's like well you are

that might be confusing to people

because you are friendly and there's

some comedians that aren't friendly and

they might

think maybe it's good

marketing. It's not called I'm friendly.

Oh, here's one more lesson. All right,

we're gonna get out of here in a minute.

Um, I went I was driving a lot and I

drove and I had to use the bathroom. So,

I went to this gas station and

uh like nothing was working. Like the

the it took my card, but it didn't work.

I had to run my card and they're like,

well, it didn't charge it. I'm like, I

don't believe you. And they're like,

well, you whatever. It all didn't work.

And I was like, ah, this and I drove a

little further and there was a really

nice gas station. So, I think that's

another lesson about life is like

whenever you need a thing, if you're in

a situation it doesn't seem like it, it

could be right there. Just get going.

Just get out of there. Just get out of

there. Un I don't know. Unless it's like

a not all thing. Don't quit your job or

whatever, but like if you're looking for

a bathroom, I guess. All right. Episode

62. Thank you. I'm Michael Palac.

I love you.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
authentic /ɔːˈθɛntɪk/ B2	adjective - genuine; not false or copied.
effort /ˈɛfərt/ A2	noun - physical or mental activity needed to achieve something.
trend /trɛnd/ B1	noun - a general direction in which something is developing or changing.
glowing /ˈɡloʊɪŋ/ B1	adjective - emitting light; shining.
authentic /ɔːˈθɛntɪk/ B2	adjective - genuine; not false or copied.
secret /ˈsiːkrɪt/ A2	noun - something kept hidden or unknown.
weapon /ˈwɛpən/ B1	noun - a thing designed or used for inflicting physical harm or damage.
interact /ˌɪntəˈrækt/ B1	verb - to act on each other.
parent /ˈpɛrənt/ A1	noun - a mother or father.
shower /ˈʃaʊər/ A1	verb - to wash your body using water.
realized /ˈriːəlaɪzd/ B1	verb - become fully aware of (something) as a fact; understand clearly.
muscles /ˈmʌsl̩z/ A2	noun - a band or bundle of fibrous tissue in a human or animal body that has the ability to contract, producing movement or maintaining posture.
barber /ˈbɑːrbər/ A2	noun - a person whose job is to cut and style men's hair.
physics /ˈfɪzɪks/ C1	noun - the branch of science concerned with the nature and properties of matter and energy.
balance /ˈbæləns/ B1	noun - an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright.
schedule /ˈʃɛdjuːl/ B1	noun - a plan for doing or happening something at a particular time.