– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Hey, hey, Grandpa.

>> Handshin.

>> Oh,

at ease. Just pull in your leg. I'm your

grandfather, not your commanding

officer. Now, come on. Give me a

handshake.

>> Okay. Right. Come on in. My dad is also

coming.

>> He is? I'm surprised he wanted to see

me.

>> Well, he doesn't exactly know you're

here. I thought it might be cool to

surprise both of you. [clears throat]

>> You know who else thought surprises were

cool? Admiral Yamamoto. We all know what

happened then, huh?

>> We do.

>> Pearl Harbor.

>> Pearl Harbor, right? Some surprises can

be bad, but this one's not going to be.

This one's going to be good. Just like

>> the battle of Midway,

>> the Bimble of Derby. Yep. We both said

the same thing at the same time.

>> Hey, Dad. Sauce me a beer. Bring the

heat.

>> No, [screaming] IT'S EXTRA REAL CAKE.

NOBODY LOOK AT THE FLOOR. NO ONE CAN SEE

THE COLOR OF THE CAKE. We can't see the

cake before Amy, which means we have to

figure out a way to clean it up without

looking at it. We have to bird box it.

>> And Bird Box is the bakery.

>> No, Bird Box is a movie where people

aren't allowed to look at things. Just

put on these blindfolds and help me

clean it up. That bird box the

stewardous and sweetened ones.

>> Dad.

Okay, that should be all of it. I think

it's safe to take off our blind. Oh

[screaming]

no. No. Look on.

What happened? We were so careful.

>> Here comes the mop. Bang. This is hard.

>> I could use a beer.

Oh, you okay?

>> The cake was blue. You're having a boy.

It's the curse.

So glad to have you here, Dad.

>> Happy to be here, darling.

>> How was your flight?

>> Oh, good. Good. You know, I did the

times cross for

>> Oh, great puzzle today, right?

>> Oh my god. 17 down.

>> Oh, I know. What about 16 across?

>> What about 34 across?

>> Oh, what about 45 down? What about 20

across?

>> Captain Holt. Uh, this is my dad.

>> Captain, heard a lot about you.

>> And you? Do you mind passing me those

crap puffs?

>> Oh, certainly. There you go. Thank you.

>> That was everything.

>> So, uh, what are you doing out here?

>> Sneaking a cigarette.

>> Just can't quit.

>> But you knew that, didn't you? Page 136.

>> What is that strange book you're

holding? I've never seen it before.

>> Jake Peralta's guide to tricking Amy's

dad.

>> What? Who put that there? Why did I use

a title page?

>> Relax, Jake. It's okay. Actually, I'm

quite impressed.

>> You are? Well, you did a ton of research

here. You made a binder. This is real

Santiago stuff.

>> Yeah, I I guess it is. I even use tabs.

>> The good ones.

>> Yes, there are good and bad types of

tabs. That's something we all know.

>> I can't believe you did all this. You

got my family tree. All of my case

files. Lot of photos.

>> Yes. And might I add, your ponytail in

the '90s puts Amy's to shame.

>> They used to call me the lion.

>> Wow. Cool nickname. They call me the

barracuda. Well, I call me that. I'm

hoping it catches on.

>> I was wondering what you thought about

one of my cases. Uh, first Essex Bank

Heist.

>> Yes, I read that one. They got robbed

the day before their grand opening.

>> I never solved that one. That bothered

me for 20 years. We should go talk to

them right now. I mean, if that would be

okay.

>> Okay? Are you kidding me? I would love

to work a case with you. That's amazing.

Looks like the lion is going to roar

again.

>> What's going on?

>> Well, honey, this man,

>> Barracuda,

>> wants to talk to me about something that

happened 20 years ago. And as I said to

that man,

>> the lion,

>> 20 years ago, I was in Pittsburgh at a

softball tournament. Oh, Pittsburgh.

Interesting. Home of the Bengals.

>> Home of the Steelers.

>> No, this is the home of the Steelers. I

set you up perfectly for that. While you

were busy establishing an alibi, your

stuns were back in Brooklyn robbing the

bank.

>> But we were at the softball tournament,

too.

>> Oh, convenient to say that now when you

have no proof.

>> Didn't you guys bring back a trophy?

>> Trophy is not really proof.

>> We also have a framed photograph of the

team, a videotape of the whole event, 39

eyewitnesses, a newspaper article about

it, and security footage from the gas

stations we stopped at on the way to and

from Pittsburgh. Okay, I got to say it

seems a little weird you're so prepared

for these questions.

>> No, it's not. My brother and I had to

gather all that information 20 years ago

when we got accused of the exact same

stuff by him.

>> Say what now?

>> So, what was that? You set me up. You

already knew they had an alibi.

>> Of course I did. I guess you must have

missed that fact when you were putting

together your sloppy, lazy, garbage

binder.

>> What? I thought you loved my binder. You

said I used all the good tabs.

>> Those tabs weren't even cascading.

>> You know why I don't like you, Jake?

>> Cuz of my binder, apparently. No,

because of my binder. Well, you think I

wouldn't do my own research, find out

everything I could about whoever my

daughter is dating.

>> Okay, fine. But it's not like you found

anything bad about me. I mean, look at

this credit score. 100

>> out of 850.

>> Oh, no. Really?

>> This binder tells the story of a sloppy,

disorganized, irresponsible individual

who's not allowed within 500 ft of

Taylor Swift.

>> That was a misunderstanding.

>> You're not good enough for my Amy. I

don't want my only daughter dating a

screw-up.

>> Oh, yeah. Well, I don't want my only

girlfriend daughtering a jerk dad. Burn

on you.

It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good

enough to have a conversation with her?

>> Honestly, no.

>> Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway.

Hello, lover. How's that butt?

>> What are you with my dad?

>> I sure am. And you're on speaker phone,

so feel free to tell me all about your

sexuality and the intercourse we might

have together. Getting it in. I was just

calling to tell you

>> there's a turkey loose in the apartment,

but somehow that's not the weirdest part

of this phone call.

>> What's going on?

>> Oh, nothing. Just had a real eye opening

conversation with your dad. I wanted his

approval, but he says I'll never be good

enough for you.

>> What the hell?

>> I know, right? Tell him he's wrong.

>> No, I'm upset with you.

>> That's right. Go get him, Tiger.

>> I'm also upset with you. What is this,

1950? I can't date someone unless I have

my father's approval.

>> Oh, obviously you can.

>> You guys act like this is your decision

to make. Like the woman doesn't even

exist in this equation. Well, this

woman.

>> Wait, Amy, shut up.

>> Excuse me.

>> I mean, I'm so sorry. You were making a

totally valid point about gender

equality, but I just thought of

something really important, so I'm going

to hang up on you. Okay, love you. Bye.

It wasn't Russo or his sons. IT WAS THE

DAUGHTER.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

Guess who just solved a 20-year-old

unsolvable case?

>> Wait, what? You guys figured out who

pulled the first Sussex bank job?

>> Yeah, we realized we never checked the

daughter's alibi. She wasn't at the

softball trip. She had access to the

plants and then she just confessed.

>> That's right. We arrested a woman today

because we are feminists.

>> So, does this mean you like each other

now?

>> Yep. We still love

>> Hi, birthday boy.

>> Mom, is something on fire?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

>> You must be Amy.

>> Let me take you in.

>> Okay.

>> I'll just take in this gorgeous front

door of yours. Mom, seriously, the fire.

>> It's fine. Things don't burn down like

they used to.

>> I'm just going to put it out.

>> Oh, must be your birthday surprise.

>> You got me the 86 Mets. Be warned, a lot

of them turned out to be drug addicts,

so this could be a bummer.

>> You ready?

Hey buddy, happy [music] birthday.

>> Dad, what are you doing here?

>> I wanted to surprise you.

Yeah. Well, I am surprised that you know

it's my birthday.

>> Actually, Jake, [music]

your father and I are uh seeing each

other again.

>> Oh, wow. That's that's so interesting.

>> Oh,

listen. I don't want to hurt your

mother. Please

don't tell her about Sheila.

>> Fine, I won't. Provided you leave right

now.

Your move, white devil.

>> Okay, we're all good. Raw garlic cures

everything. It

>> sure does. And it's so delicious.

>> Uh, where's your father?

>> Oh, Roger, you mean? He left very

suddenly. Said something about being the

worst.

>> What did you say to him, Jake?

>> What? Why do you assume that I said

something? He's a leaving jerk, so he

left like a jerk. This is what he does.

>> He's not a monster.

>> Yeah, well, you wouldn't say that if you

knew everything that he's done.

>> What did he do, Jake?

>> Nothing, you know, just like super awful

life-changing things. No follow-up

questions.

>> Is it worse than the time he cheated on

me with Sheila Boden?

[sighs]

>> You knew about that?

>> Yeah, I knew about that.

>> I can't believe you knew about Sheila.

>> I also knew about Wendy

and Bonnie.

>> Bonnie who wears a wig. She left it in

our bathroom. That's how I found out.

And also remember your turtle, Graham

crackers.

>> Dad had sex with my turtle.

>> No, no, no, no. But he he stepped on it

getting out of bed.

>> But you said Graham crackers got married

and moved in with his wife. How did I

not know any of this stuff?

>> Well, because you were a kid and kids

don't actually know a lot about their

parents. Jake,

I've dated a lot of men in the last 20

years.

>> You have? a lot.

>> Okay, you don't have to put so much

mustard on it.

>> And I haven't met anyone I like, but I

like your father. And I know he has been

a selfish jerk, but he really has

changed. Last month when I had

bronchitis, he flew in on his day off

just to bring me soup. It was this weird

Canadian soup. I I think it was just all

cheese, but it was really nice. [sighs]

>> Man, I feel stupid. I was just trying to

protect you, but I clearly made

everything worse.

>> You have been protecting me since you

were a kid.

Sometimes I think you got so good at it,

you decided to become a cop and protect

everyone.

>> Well, that's a cool thought, but I

became a cop because of Die Hard.

>> I love you.

>> I love you, too, Mom. Come here.

>> Well, well, well. Look who's trying to

skip town.

>> You told me to,

>> right?

Look, I talked to mom and I just want

her to be happy.

So, can we go back to my birthday party

now?

>> I'd love that, son.

>> This is nice. If you screw this up and

hurt her in any way, I will throw you in

jail for the rest of your life. And I

can do that now, Dad. So, do not test

me.

>> Okay.

>> I still like the hug even though you

used it to threaten me. Yeah. Well,

I kind of liked threatening you, so come

on,

>> Detective Peralta. This is my mother,

the Honorable Leverne Holt.

>> I'm very excited to meet you. And let me

just say, I'm a huge fan of your early

work. Talking about this guy right here.

>> That was humor, mother.

>> I know, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

>> I love laughing and laughter.

>> Oh,

>> yes, we all do. But enough chitchat.

Peralta, my mother's house was burgled.

>> And you want me to cover the case

because I'm your favorite detective of

all time? Yes. Also the jam- on

incident.

>> Favorite. So, why don't you tell us what

happened?

>> When I got home last night, I noticed

that the window had been smashed. The

apartment was a mess. They took all of

my jewelry. I assume they entered

through the window, but I don't want to

color your opinions.

>> Too late, but note taken. We'll stop by

later and check out the crime scene.

>> That sounds appropriate. Well, I should

be going. Detective. Captain.

>> Your honor. Detective.

>> Captain. Your honor. Hey, this is fun.

Let's do it again. Your honor. Captain.

>> Humor. Good day, gentlemen.

>> Okay. Looks like they broke through this

window, rifled through the drawers, and

then noticed

this adorbs photo of Tiny Holt with a

tiny bow tie holding a tiny toy.

>> That was his first slide rule. He

carried it with him all over preschool.

>> And then I learned to do trigonometric

functions in my head like a big boy.

Let's continue with the investigation.

>> Copy that. The alarm company said the

break-in happened around 7:30. Most

people are home at that time. Is there

anyone who knew you'd be out?

>> The people who were with me at Wine

Club. Oh my, I just remembered Carol

Spitzin's house was broken into several

months ago also during wine club.

>> Interesting. The odds of that happening

coincidentally are vanishingly small.

>> I would say infiniteesmally.

>> Yes. And I would say tenally we all know

words. So sounds like we should go

undercover to the next wine club meeting

and scope it out. You think you can get

us in?

>> I think I can arrange that. There's one

tonight.

>> Great. Final question. Is this little

Raymond's macaroni art?

>> No, that's a macaroni infographic he

made about educational spending during

the Johnson administration. Ah, of

course it is. I love it.

>> These are two prospective members,

Tyrone and Tank. Tyrone likes Bordeaux

and Tank is beloved by mothers.

>> Great. Can I get your info for our

database?

>> Absolutely. I live at 100 Charming

Avenue. And Tyrone here is at 3282nd

Street, right next to a Yuburn Pizza.

>> Great. Enjoy your tasting.

>> Thanks.

>> We have a lead, George Kenderson. We ran

his name through the system. He got a

parking ticket outside your apartment

last week. We think he was casing your

place.

>> Oh my, that is shocking. I am shocked

right now.

>> I'll get the car.

>> Jake, I need to tell you something in

confidence.

>> It's happening. It's dish time. Okay.

>> George Kenderson did not rob me. He was

not casing my apartment.

>> How do you know?

>> He was with me that night.

>> Doing what? Oh, doing you. Oh god, I'm

so sorry. I mean, way to go. I'm sex

positive. I don't know what to say.

>> George and I have been in a relationship

for 2 years. Raymond doesn't know.

Please don't tell him. I'm asking you as

a friend.

>> As a friend.

>> Copy that.

>> Lever Kenabru Halt. You're under arrest

for obstruction of justice.

>> What?

>> What?

>> I know you're sleeping with George.

>> Come on, man.

>> Raymond, I can tell that you're upset.

>> I am because you withheld information

from this detective about an ongoing

police investigation.

>> All right. I don't think this is

actually about police stuff. Maybe we

should all just take a deep breath and

consider not arresting our moms.

Fine. You're unarrested mother. And

Detective Bara, since you two are such

good friends, why don't you handle the

case on your own? Good day,

>> Captain. Daniela and her husband

confessed to the burglary and two

others. We've already recovered a number

of your items.

>> Thank you for the information. Where's

Raymond?

>> Oh, he couldn't make it. He's attending

to some urgent business.

>> That's a stone cold lie.

>> Raymond.

>> Kawa banga. Mother,

>> what? Yes,

>> we need the talk.

>> I'd say that's accurate.

>> Well, looks like my work is done here.

I'll just be leaving. Oh, damn it.

Handle's still broken off. Uh, just

pretend I'm not here. I'll close my

eyes.

>> I'm hurt.

That you didn't feel comfortable telling

me about George Kenderson.

>> I didn't know how to. We're not very

good at talking about personal matters.

>> I'd categorize that as an

understatement.

>> Yes. To alleviate some of the tension.

>> It worked. After your father died, my

personal life was very sad. I didn't

talk to you about it because I wanted

you to think I was strong.

>> And I wanted you to think the same of

me. I guess eventually we stop talking

about personal matters altogether.

>> I think it's time we let each other off

the hook. From now on, I'm going to be

15% more forthcoming on personal details

and 5% more physically affectionate. and

I will adjust in kind while also

implementing a 12% increase in impromptu

communication.

>> Oh, Raymond,

I love you.

>> I love you, too. [sighs]

>> Such a beautiful moment. Are you guys

hugging? It feels like a hugging moment.

>> Don't be absurd.

>> STOP YELLING AT ME. I SAVED THE DAY.

>> CHARLES, I'm sorry that neither of us

have the room.

>> Yes, I too am disappointed by this

unfortunate stalemate.

>> Why are you talking all Victorian?

You're lying about something. That's

what that means.

>> Nonsense, my lady. Okay, fine. I might

not be in that hotel room right now, but

my jean pool is.

>> Ew. What' you do in there?

>> I gave the hotel room to my father and

told him to check in under my name.

>> What? No. I gave my key to my mom.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong

room.

>> That's okay. [laughter] Yeah. Hey, wait

a second. Do we know each other? Is your

daughter Gina?

>> Yes. And you're that little man's

father, Boille.

>> Yeah,

>> we met at the family food drive. I'm

Darlene Lanetti.

>> Lynn Bole, pleased to rem meet you.

[laughter]

>> What do you think's going on here? Uh,

mix up something.

>> I don't know. Regina's been encouraging

me to have some romantic adventures.

>> Holy cow.

>> Hello, Lynn.

>> Hi, Regina.

>> Don't play games with me, boy.

>> This is a bad idea.

It's okay. Dad's got this. He's a real

sweet talker.

>> Let's cut the crap.

>> Okay.

>> What are your intentions with my mother?

>> To make love to her every morning until

we die.

>> So, it's just physical.

>> One of [snorts] you nuts. I'm a divorced

retired florist with a terrible gluten

allergy. Your mom is a beautiful,

brilliant travel agent. She talks to

people on the phone who've seen the

whole world. I'll never meet anyone half

as good as her. She's the best thing

that ever happened to me. You mean other

than Charles?

>> No, she's the best thing that ever

happened to me.

>> That's okay, Pop. You did what you had

to do.

>> I love her. All I want is to make her

happy forever.

>> Fine. I give you my blessing. But if you

hurt my mom in any way, so help me, God.

I will cut off your son's testicles.

Snap. Snap. Snap. And I'm not playing.

>> Deal.

WAY TO GO, DAD. YOU BAGGED THE BABE. THE

BOY BOYS ARE PLANNING A WEDDING.

>> BOYS. BOYS. BOYS. BOYS.

[screaming]

>> I'm Captain Raymond Holt. Welcome.

Marriage is a contract,

but it's so much more than that.

Marriage is love. It's commitment. It's

joy. It's understanding. It's patience.

It's anger.

It's reconciliation. It's everything.

[music] It's like oatmeal.

It sustains you. Darlene, do you take

Lynn to be your lawfully wedded husband?

>> I do.

>> Lynn, do you take Darlene to be your

lawfully wedded wife?

>> I do.

>> I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[applause and cheering]

>> Get it, Daddy.

>> [applause and music]

>> Amy, Jake,

>> David and I both arrived an hour early.

>> We're sharing a French onion.

>> Awesome.

>> So, she's about to jump and I say, "Hey,

I can't tell you this world is a good

place. But I guarantee you it's better

with [music] you in it." And she climbs

down off the ledge and she gives me a

big hug.

>> And that was before she won the Oscar.

>> I don't know. I don't really follow pop

culture.

>> You never cease to impress me, David.

Hey, speaking of impressive, Amy, you

just went to the NYPD shooting range and

received a gold certification in

marksmanship.

>> Oh, I just got the platinum

certification.

>> What? That exists? What did you do?

Curve the bullets wanted style?

>> Yeah, I don't know what wanted. I don't

follow pop culture, but I fired 10 shots

and they all went in the same hole.

>> Oh, so you actually did? Uh, hey Camila,

did you know that Amy is the youngest

female sergeant in the history of the

99?

>> Yes, I'm very proud of her. I'm proud of

all my children. The sergeant and the

lieutenant.

>> What? You passed the lieutenant exam?

actually wasn't something I was planning

on taking, but then my partner got sick

and I wanted to be able to send home

extra money to his wife and kids. Then I

read the MRI. He was totally

misdiagnosed. So, long story short, Bo

is alive and I got a perfect score on a

test for no reason.

>> A [sighs] man. Hey, check out these

dinner rolls. Huh? Love these bad boys.

Just going to jump down recklessly.

>> Oh. Oh, no. Jake, he's choking.

>> Let David do it. He has EMT training.

>> I'm here for it, Jake.

>> I'm going to go to the bathroom.

You know what?

>> He's going to hurt like hell.

>> I think it's actually okay.

>> What's going on? Is there a maniac on

the loose and David's the only one who

can catch him before he blows up a

train?

>> We could call him the trareniac. We're

focused on the same things.

>> Sorry, folks. We've discovered a large

quantity of cocaine in Lieutenant

Santiago's desk. We've had to place him

under arrest.

>> Oh no.

>> Everybody say possession with intent to

distribute.

>> Hey. Oh.

>> Ah, David. Hi there. That was unrelated

to your recent arrest for possession

with intent to distribute. How are you?

>> Not great. Everything I've said before

just now is a lie. I'm being framed.

I've been investigating these dirty cops

who are being paid off by the Brazilian

mob.

>> Oh, Brazilian mobsters are so

good-looking. They're just a bunch of

gazels. The women and the men.

>> Yes. It's insane. They're all gorgeous.

Anyway, I I think I got too close. Those

dirty cops must have planted the drugs

in my desk.

>> So, what you're saying is you're not

addicted to cocaine.

>> Amy, it's me. I don't even drink coffee.

I have too much respect for my body.

This is water.

>> And you didn't feel pressure from mom

and dad.

>> No, they're so supportive. I'd actually

love some constructive criticism. It's

the only way to grow. Anyway, thank you

so much for bailing me out. If you can

just drop me off at home, I will clear

my name and things can go back to the

way they were.

>> The way they were? Great. It's my

favorite way of things being.

>> I'm glad you guys are here. So, this

place is run by the Brazilian mob. My CI

tells me there's a ledger with all the

cops on payroll hidden here somewhere.

>> I'm guessing it's in that room

surrounded by armed guards.

>> Those are guards. I thought they were

models.

>> We need a plan to get past them. So,

here's what I'm thinking. I speak a

little Portuguese from that time I

opened a school in the Fabas Rio.

>> Barf.

>> What?

>> I said, Barf. I can't deal with your

bragging anymore.

>> How is that bragging? I said I speak a

little Portuguese when I'm actually

fluent opening up.

>> Gh.

>> Shut up.

>> Look, if you're so angry with me, why

are you even here?

>> Because Jay convinced me if you die, I'd

never hear the end of it from mom and

dad.

>> That's not exactly how I phrased it.

>> Look, I get it. You're jealous. I'd be

jealous, too, if someone was better than

me at everything their whole life.

>> Oh, no. Not everything. I have more

allergies than you.

>> Not the best brag.

>> I have so many allergies. I just found

out I'm allergic to chia seeds.

>> But apparently effective.

>> I'm allergic to chia and acai berries.

>> Yeah, my throat gets scratchy when I eat

stone fruit.

>> Oh, yeah. I'm also a better dancer than

you.

>> Ames, you have badly misjudged your own

abilities.

>> You think you're better than me?

>> Oh, damn. She's got a shot.

>> What? Afraid to use your forearms?

>> Pretty good. You're not using enough

elbow.

>> Guys, those aren't the parts people

feature when they dance. Now, can we

please find a way to distract those

guards?

>> Don't worry, Jake, cuz I'm about to end

this thing. Dead drop.

[screaming]

>> Ow! Ow! Ow!

>> Oh, that looked really bad.

>> Are you okay?

>> Oh, look. The guards are leaving their

post.

>> Looks like they're coming here to help

you. Jake, you should go back.

>> Are you sure?

>> Yes, I'm phone.

>> Oh, well, as long as your phone.

>> Jake, go. All right. Fine.

>> Called for backup, but it could take 10

minutes.

>> Should we storm the place?

>> Too late. Look, they're bringing Jake

out.

>> I told you I was in the office because I

work there and we've actually met a

bunch of times and it's crazy you don't

remember me.

>> What should we do? If they get away,

we'll never be able to track them.

>> Shoot out the types.

>> You're a way better shot than what you

should do.

>> What are you crazy? You're the golden

girl.

>> David, take the shot.

>> I just don't want you to feel bad about

yourself as

>> Take the shot.

>> You're under arrest, you beautiful man.

>> Cuff this son of a

Oh my god, you also smell so good.

>> Brazil,

>> thank you everyone for joining me again

to [music] David. You are my hero.

>> And to Amy, you saved my butt. You're a

great cop and a great sister.

>> Wow, that means a lot coming from you.

>> Jake.

>> K. Oh no,

>> it's me, Kate. Give me a hug.

>> Stand down.

>> Back off, dude. That's my brother.

>> Oh no, it's a mut situation. Okay, that

is nothing. The one parent teacher

conference my dad went to, he had sex

with my teacher on top of the diarama I

made of the first Thanksgiving.

>> Oh no, he ruined all your hard work.

>> Oh, not really. It was just a bunch of

smurfs on a plate.

>> He came to visit once and hooked up with

my mom's entire book club. She can't see

a copy of A Prayer for Owen Meanie

without fully weeping.

>> I don't know what that is. But enough

about our dad. What's going on in your

life?

>> Honestly, it's been a tough year. I lost

my job and the love of my life, Kurt,

just broke up with me.

>> Oh, hey, Amy has seven brothers. Maybe

you could date one of them.

>> Oh, snap. I'm down to clown. Which one

has the best body?

>> Uh, [screaming]

>> Tony, right? It's very clearly Tony. I

don't know why she hesitated. Tony got

body.

>> Tony, it is. Anyway, that's my boring

life in Dallas, but I'm here now and I

want to see the real New York. Let's

like

>> walk across the Brooklyn Bridge,

>> get tanked at the Times Square Olive

Garden, and get our pictures taken with

a human statue.

>> Right. The real New York.

>> Whenever you're ready.

>> Hey, let me get dinner. I had like 10

more drinks than you guys.

>> Oh, are you sure? Wow, that is so sweet

and totally unnecessary. What are you

doing?

>> Life hack. Hey, there's glass in my

food.

>> Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

>> What kind of restaurant is this?

>> Why aren't we going home? We haven't

even done the Sex in the City tour. Oh

my gosh. I am such a That one who fell

through the sidewalk hole.

>> Yeah, you totally are. We're just so

excited you're moving here. We thought

why not go straight home and celebrate

at exactly 8:00. Kate?

>> Kurt?

>> Kurt? The Kurt?

>> What? Oh my god. What are the chances?

Ah, Kate, you didn't tell us how

handsome Kurt is. I love your jean

shorts.

>> Babe, breaking up with you was the

biggest mistake of my life.

>> It was. Oh my god. And he flew all the

way to New York to tell me that. That's

so romantic.

>> It's beautiful. Really?

>> You're not even allowed to leave the

state.

>> What's that now?

>> Think I'm going to let my skank parole

officer stand in the way of true love?

>> Kurt,

>> he seems like a cool guy.

>> So, you were trying to get rid of me?

>> I mean, yeah, kind of. But I also just

told off Kurt for being a jerk to you.

So, who's to say which thing we should

focus on? Anyways, let's go to Olive

Garden and get tanked.

>> No, I won't because that place is for

family.

>> That stinks. Look, we're still family. I

just didn't think you should be moving

to New York. The whole plan seemed a

little, how do I put this delicately?

Psychotic.

>> I didn't ask you to be a part of my

life, Jake. You asked me. I was

perfectly happy in Dallas with no dad

and a dead mom being walked all over by

Curt and his kids.

>> That doesn't sound like a great

situation.

>> Yeah, it's bad. Okay. Which is why when

I got a call out of the blue that I had

a brother who wanted to meet me, I got a

little excited. I'm so sorry.

>> I was excited, too. But we don't know

each other. You shouldn't move here just

for me.

>> Don't worry. I'm going back to Dallas

and you won't ever have to see me again.

Until that is I'm on The Voice, at which

point you'll see me everywhere.

>> Oh, you don't like my singing? Oh, good.

Because that is the last time you get it

for

[screaming]

free.

>> She's going to do bad on the voice.

>> This is ridiculous. Listen, the choice

is yours. Lawsuit or upgrade me to

business class? Balls in your court,

pal.

>> Hey, Kate. Officers, what's going on

here? This woman said she cut her hand

on a ticketing kiosk, but somebody saw

her pull out a bag of glass.

>> That's my healing glass. And legally,

you can't ask about it. What kind of

airport is this?

>> Okay, I'm with the NYPD. I got it from

here. Thanks, guys.

>> What do you want?

>> To apologize. Look, I was trying to get

rid of you because you're a little bit

of a mess. Kind of like dad.

>> Oh, I'm definitely a mess.

>> But I was being like dad, too. I was

trying to have a relationship with you

completely on my own terms. And we both

know from personal experience that's a

really crappy way to treat a family

member. It is. Thank you for saying

that, Jake. And yes, I accept your

invitation to move in with you.

>> Oh. Um,

>> joking. I'm going back to Dallas. Don't

worry.

>> But maybe we can keep in touch.

>> I would really like that. Man, I was

worried you were never going to want to

see me again.

>> Are you kidding? Well, you stood up for

me with Kurt. You're a great big

brother,

and I have so many other enemies. You're

going to be real busy. Anyway, I should

go. The plane's leaving. Come here.

>> Nice to

>> Sir, Gina and I are worried about you.

You're drinking a second can of Selzer.

I need this to settle my nerves.

Hurricane Debbie is approaching. My

little sister Debbie, she's a real drama

queen.

>> The drama queen of the Hol family. What

did she laugh out loud one time? She's

laughed out loud multiple times.

>> Sir, you have a pretty low bar for what

you consider drama. Once I used an

exclamation point in the email. You

called me Diana Ross.

>> I assure you in this case I do not

exaggerate.

>> Raymond

>> here. Judge for yourselves.

>> Here you are. Hey. Oh my god. My trip

here from the train station. Hey, I

swear to you, I heard the cab driver

mumble under his breath, you will die

tonight. Is that not the most insane

thing you have ever heard? I mean, can

you even, Raymond?

>> I cannot even. We'll keep her out of

your hair. I'm good at distracting

people. It's what I do with my toddlers

all day long. How does she feel about

balloon animals? I'm sure she has a

complicated relationship with them.

>> Right.

>> Here she comes. No balloon animals.

>> You ain't going to believe mom's take on

this. She thinks I'm the one who should

apologize just cuz it turns out the

hairbrush ended up being in my car.

>> Yes, I'd love to discuss your hairbrush

for even more time, but I have some

pressing police matters to attend to.

>> Look at you always working. What

happened to my fun, big brother?

>> Fun? That was never fun. You take that

back.

>> I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it,

sir.

>> When we were little, we would go down in

the basement and he would build us a

fort. We would stay down there all day

and Ray would sing these silly little

madeup songs. George and Ira Gerswin did

not compose silly madeup songs.

>> Uh Debbie, let me show you New York,

okay? The buildings, the subway, the

bank, the dry cleaner. I got to run some

errands.

>> Oh, that's a great idea, Gina. Debbie,

I'm so sorry. I I won't get a chance to

see you much on your visit.

>> No babe, but a chicken wing, cuz I'm

going to be here for six weeks. I'mma be

all up in your life. Okay.

>> You got to fight drama with drama.

Debbie, it's just too much.

>> What happened?

>> Wait till you hear. Kevin is all, "Hey,

man. I'm leaving for Paris." And I said,

"Then go already. I don't care, but I do

care." And now I'm like, "Where's

Kevin?"

>> Well, I didn't know y'all had all that

going on.

>> No one understands me. And now you're

here and I love you, but like it's a

lot. Everything in my life is a hot mess

right now.

>> Damn.

>> Captain, the commissioner called again.

He wants to know when crime will be

down.

>> Are you kidding me? What am I supposed

to tell him? I'm under so much pressure.

I just can't even.

>> You got a lot on you and I don't want to

overstay my welcome if that's going to

stress you out. They will. Especially

with Mercury in retrograde.

>> I am sorry. I I didn't know. I mean, the

only reason I came is

cuz Gary left me.

>> What?

>> He was cheating on me. But you know

what? No, no, no, no. I'm not going to

burden you with that. Okay. I will deal

with that myself.

>> There has been a jailbreak and the

mafia's at it again.

Well, but my train is in 45 minutes. I

don't have to say goodbye to R. I don't

want to stress him out.

>> No, he specifically asked us to get you.

>> Hello, Debbie.

>> You made a fort.

>> I thought we could talk under here about

you and Gary.

>> I'm sorry I was pushing you away.

I want you to know that I'm here for you

and I would love to be all up in your

life.

[laughter]

>> I need to talk to you about this Bole

family vacation that my mom's forcing me

to go on. Why is it in butt thumb, Iowa?

>> Now, it's pronounced Bume and Iowa is

the ancestral homeland of the Bole clan.

I am so excited for you to get to know

all the cousins. Watch out for Sherman.

He's left a trail of broken hearts

longer than his ponytail. Well, could we

please just go to a resort where I don't

have to see your family? There's a great

one in Aruba.

>> Aruba? [laughter]

Boils don't do beaches. We're not

swimmers. We're burers.

>> Yes, I know you're all earthworms, but

Charles, even nature's most disgusting

creatures deserve pleasure. Come to

Aruba.

>> Sorry. The cousins voted and it was

unanimous. We're going to Iowa. We've

already rented the tent.

>> Tent singular.

Charles tent singular. The Council of

the Cousins.

>> Look at them. It's like a beige of pigs.

>> Gina, you seem rattled. You don't

normally make puns.

>> That's a pun on what? Listen, Charles,

I'm going to sway the council, so give

up now. Unless you enjoy being

humiliated in front of your family.

>> Oh, you think I'd be embarrassed in

front of them? In front of Don Bole? I

changed his diapers. And I'm about to

change yours.

>> Hello, cousins. Bobby, Brendan, Bill,

Bernard, boy, [music] Corey, girl Corey.

Papa Bole once said, "Stay in the

middle. That's where it's safe. That's

where we thrive. That's Iowa."

>> Charles will have you believe that Aruba

isn't for the boils. But picture this.

One long banana boat with the 15 of us

on it holding each other by the waist,

having the time of our damn lives. Do we

really want to go where Pirates OF THE

CARIBBEAN TOOK PLACE?

>> YES. [screaming]

>> THAT MOVIE GAVE US NIGHTMARES FOR

MONTHS.

>> Y'ALL KNOW I GOT y'all aqua socks.

[screaming] OH, SEVEN FOR EVERYBODY.

>> In conclusion, boils are nothing if not

loyal. Loyal to our favorite brand of

peanut butter, [music] Mr. Nuts. Loyal

to each other and loyal to Iowa.

>> I love you.

>> I love you. I'm Gina Lanetti and I

approve this message. [laughter]

I love you.

>> I love you.

>> I love you, too.

>> You guys both did so good. I think we'll

sleep on it and we'll vote in the

morning. Council adjourned. I love you.

>> I love you.

>> Okay, we're both here. Sam, go ahead.

Well, it was a real hard decision, but

ultimately we decided the boils are

going to Aruba.

>> Oh, [snorts]

>> all right, Sam. Well, I'm happy to hear

that. I think the sun's going to be

really good for everyone's psoriasis.

>> We're all so excited. All right. I love

you, Charles. I love you, Gina.

>> Whoops. Lost. Yeah. It was almost too

easy. I'm like the temple grandon of

hurting boils.

>> Yes, you are.

>> What? Why are you smiling? I don't get

it. I won.

>> Did you? You were so busy trying to beat

the boils, you became one. You learned

about our likes and dislikes, our

allergies and our phobias. You even

bought cousin Sherman a scrunchie for

his ponytail.

>> Yeah. So I could win. And you did win a

plot in the family cemetery. All of us

together lying in a grave for eternity.

>> Grave singular. Charles grave singular.

>> I found out why Gina lied about the

non-disclosure agreement.

>> Because of how invasive and crazy you

are.

>> Oh, Terry, you gullible little Rube.

It's because of which cousin it is.

That's right. I found out which boil

seed did the deed.

>> The father is Milton.

>> Who's Milton? We're not a part of your

family. He's a total loser. I mean, of

all the boils to bang, why bang Milton

boil?

>> He's that bad.

>> He's that bad. Wow, Terry, you are a

rube. Milton's a troll.

>> Okay, look. We have to be supportive.

Gina is our friend.

>> Oh my god, he's here. You guys try not

to puke all over yourselves when you see

him. Hi, Milton.

>> Oh, hey, Charles.

>> He's a boy, right? Don't look at his

weird face. You'll make him feel bad.

Hey.

>> Hey. Uh, have you seen Gina?

>> You mean ever? Get more specific.

Milton. [screaming]

>> Mily.

>> Hey.

>> What are you doing here?

>> Thought I would take my warrior goddess

out to a surprise dinner.

>> Oh, is a surprise that you can afford

dinner since you dropped out of high

school?

>> I left after junior year to be a

professional snowboarder.

>> Oh,

>> and now he owns a winter apparel company

that donates snow to the poor.

>> Water.

>> We're so amazing.

>> You're so amazing.

Oh, they're dancing now. Are you guys

doing the Lombata? Huh? I guess we are.

I hadn't noticed. Sometimes we just do

that.

>> A, you guys make a cute couple.

>> You're welcome. Now, enjoy watching us

leave.

>> Hey, I had a great idea for a baby name.

>> What is it?

>> If it's a girl, how about the Enigma?

>> Oh my god, I already thought of that.

And then if it's a boy, it could just be

>> the Enigma.

>> Bye, Charles. I love you.

>> Bye, Milton. I love you, too.

>> Come on, Charles. You have to admit

they're perfect for each other.

>> Yeah, I guess I'm happy for her. Let's

just hope the baby doesn't get his

looks. What a dweeb. No, bro. He's hot.

>> This installation is [music] composed of

Constantine's accounts of the first

Punic War in the year 26.

>> Ah, yes. The first pubic war. The

sexiest of all wars. Hi, Dr. Alin

Einstein. I have an urgent question for

you about ancient Greece. Shall we walk?

>> Of course, Dr. I feel like you said

Einstein.

>> Yes, that's correct. It's a family name.

What is going on?

>> Captain, let me just follow my lead.

Your theory is wrong. The Greeks did not

climb out of the Trojan horse's butt.

Put this on.

>> A rose shearing head at work. People

will think I'm demented.

>> Just put it on,

>> Kevin. Dr. Einstein.

>> No, Professor McGonagal. Why is Bo

dressed as me?

>> Get in.

>> Put this card in.

>> Get in.

Professor,

>> student.

>> Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt. We

need to get you to safety. Your life is

in danger.

While Murphy is at large, he's still a

threat.

>> So, I'm going to be stuck here forever

following these over the top security

precautions.

>> No, thank God.

>> The security procedures are about to

become much more over the top. Say

goodbye to your 1 hour of open window

time.

>> But, sir, the stench. It needs some way

to escape.

>> I already feel as though I'm trapped

inside of What are those things you're

always eating? Pizza bagels. No. Pizza

rolls, pizza poppers, pizza, pizza

pockets.

>> That's it.

>> How much longer will I be forced to live

inside this pizza pocket?

>> Look, I could tell you that it'll just

be a few more weeks. But you don't want

me to lie to you.

>> Raymond, I beg of you. Give me 2 hours

at the library to work on my book. Just

2 hours. It will make all the

difference.

>> Yeah, I could go with him. Keep him

safe.

>> No library. Sheamus's men could be

lurking in the stacks.

>> I'd find that unlikely.

>> I understand, but I disagree.

>> Well, then we are in disagreement.

You'll have to excuse me.

I'm sorry you had to witness such a

vicious fight.

>> Oh, was that a fight? Are

>> you kidding? He said you'll have to

excuse me instead of please excuse me.

Might as well have spit in my face.

>> Hello, Raymond. [music]

>> So, Sheamus, are you going to kill me?

>> No, don't be stupid. Nothing like that.

I'm just going to find your husband,

bring him here, slit his throat in front

of you, then after you watch him suffer,

kill you, too.

Sir.

>> Hey there.

>> Where is Kevin?

>> Don't worry. He's safe. Look, Captain. I

just want to say that I'm sorry.

>> You should be. You should have abided by

my security rules.

>> You're right. But I want you to know I

didn't take Kevin to the library because

I was stir crazy. It's because I didn't

want you guys to get divorced. How is

that any concern of yours?

>> I don't know. I just I've been around so

many failed marriages in my life. You

know, first my mom and my dad, then

Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and

Brandy, Hitchcock and Francine,

Hitchcock and Brandy again, Hitchcock

and Madison.

>> Madison wasn't his daughter, but he

dropped her off at college last fall.

>> I know it was really gross. But the

point is, I just couldn't stand to see

you two fall apart.

>> Perhaps I should have been more

understanding what Kevin was going

through.

I may die here tonight and his last

memory of me will be how miserable I

made him.

>> So Peralta,

what do you have to say for yourself?

>> The whole NYPD knows where you are and

they're coming for you right now.

>> Okay, thanks for the tip. Let's kill

them both. Get out of here before the

cops come.

>> Wait, no, no, no, no. I was lying about

the backup. I came alone. Titled by sex

tape.

>> Doesn't matter. You're both going to die

now.

[screaming]

Better get some corticosteroids to treat

that lingial fracture. Sorry, I couldn't

bring myself to call him a dirt bag.

>> Then why would you? A dirt bag is a very

useful part of the vacuum cleaner.

Clearly, it's a compliment.

>> You guys are so perfect for each other.

>> Ola. Felise Thanksgiving. Jake told

[clears throat] me you were Cuban.

>> Yes, I did. And I regret it. Come on in.

>> So nice to finally meet you. I'm Victor.

>> And I'm Camila.

>> Oh, and you brought a turkey.

>> She sure did. Even though I told her

that you were making the turkey and all

she needed to bring was stuffing.

>> The stuffing's inside it and now we have

two turkeys just in case.

>> In case of what?

>> I don't know. [laughter] Anyway, it was

in the car when she picked me up. Isn't

that fun?

>> The most fun. Why don't we just get

comfortable? My dad is just

>> Hey, Care Bear. Which pants do you

think?

>> Honey,

>> the Santiago are here. Felise

Thanksgiving. How was the trip? The

flight must have been awful. This

holiday is the worst. Can we just press

pause on that and maybe get some pants?

>> Fine.

>> But yet I cannot escape your scold. What

am I? An alarm clock.

>> Ah, I got it. So, a riddle is just like

a fact that's told in a really confusing

way.

>> Exactly.

>> Hey, I used to fly with Sully

Sullenberger.

>> What he did was amazing.

>> Between us, I could have landed that

plane on the ground at the destination

without killing any of those birds.

[laughter]

>> Is my dad [music] playing piano?

>> And is my dad scatting?

>> [singing]

>> I'd like to say a few words. Camila and

I are thrilled to welcome you into our

family. So, allow me to be the first to

bless this union with a toast to Jake

and Amy.

>> To Jake and Jake and Amy.

>> Oh, thanks, Dad. That was really sweet.

>> I have a toast, too. Oh,

>> Karen and I would like to welcome you

into our family and allow me to be the

first to say that we love you. to Jake

and Amy. Congratulations

>> to Jake and Amy.

>> Get Amy.

>> Thanks, Dad.

>> I'd like to go again.

>> Oh, they're getting competitive.

>> Yeah, it goes without saying I love you

both.

>> You didn't say.

>> And I just like to add if there's

anything you ever need, the Santiago are

here for you. Do you Amy?

>> Round two.

>> Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad.

>> You know, if Victor gets too toast, then

I do, too. I would like to go one step

further and say that if there is

anything that you need or want,

the Peraltas are there for you. That

doesn't sound like a better offer than

mine.

>> Yeah, it is. It's it's it's it's a lot

better than yours.

>> Jake,

>> I'll give you my grandfather's watch.

You are now a Santiago.

>> I would like to pay for the wedding.

Amy, you are now my daughter.

>> What?

>> I win to Jake and Amy.

>> Oh, no. There are downsides to alcohol.

>> Shall we carve the turkey? Get this

dinner started.

>> I'm an excellent carver.

>> Allow me.

>> Think I can carve the turkey after all

it is. My house sitting right here in

front of me. We have two turkeys.

>> You can both carve one.

>> Yes. Thank goodness for the second

turkey. A very normal thing to have

brought.

>> This is actually very good because now

everybody could see who cuts the turkey

better.

>> You're on.

>> Wow. We're really mature.

>> You're just saying that because you know

my dad's going to win.

>> As if.

>> Hey, Roger. You like jokes? Here's one.

I'd hate to be a passenger on one of

your flights if you fly as slow as you

cut a turkey.

>> Riddle me this, Victor. Who sucks at

carving turkey thinks their rum is good

when it's bad? you up top, Jake.

>> Joyous. Uh,

>> Camila, did you put your stuffing in my

ceramic?

>> I thought it was a bowl. It's art.

>> What does that mean? What did she say?

>> She said it was a bowl. Bet you didn't

know I understood Spanish.

>> Very impressive. You learned that from

one of your mistresses?

>> Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

>> Sounds like someone's jealous. I bet you

never even had sex.

>> Oh, I've had sex and I'm actually pretty

good. Camila,

>> the best.

>> Oh, what is happening right now?

>> Roger's really good at sex, too.

>> I'm so grossed out. You know what? I'm

sick of you looking down your nose at

us. I know the Peraltas aren't perfect,

but we don't look down on other people.

I mean, you come into our home and you

act like we're idiots. Well, we're not

idiots. In fact, I just cut my thumb

off.

>> What?

>> I just cut my thumb off. [screaming]

>> Hey, Dad. How's it going?

>> I'm fine. They reattached my thumb.

>> You know, you said you always wanted to

have a big family Thanksgiving. I had

five brothers, three sisters, four

aunts, and 12 cousins who spent every

holiday together. I had the kind of

family that you dream of. When we all

were together, huge mess. I can't tell

you how many holidays I spent in the ER,

but that's what it means to have a big

family like this one.

>> Oh, well, thank you, Victor. And

apparently, my family's a lot bigger

than I thought. How many halfsisters did

you say I have, Dad?

>> I only told you about the sisters.

>> Come on,

>> Roger. I want to apologize to you for

being so defensive about you wanting to

pay for the wedding.

>> I'm sorry, too. It was stupid. I was

just feeling insecure because

>> because I gave Jake the watch.

>> I was gonna say because you saw my penis

through my underpants. But the watch?

Yeah, sure.

>> I was thinking uh if you want to pay for

the wedding, it would be fine. But we

can split it. It's up to you.

>> That seems fair. You're a good dude.

Come here. Give me a hug.

>> Give me Hug me. Hug me. Bring it in.

Jake, it's happening. The weird but good

dad hug.

>> It's magical.

>> Everyone, this is my nephew, Marcus.

He's new in town. He's staying with me

until he finds a place. He is 31.

>> You're a terrible hype man.

>> And you must be Gina. I heard a lot

about everyone. Uh, take it. Amy, Rosa,

Terry.

>> I'm Jake. We're both Jake.

>> Scully and Hitchcock. Hey. Well, just

came to get the keys for my uncle Ray.

Let everybody get back to work. Nice

meeting.

>> Bye.

>> Holy Moses. Bye.

>> What?

>> For you, that's basically walking up to

him and jamming your tongue down his

throat.

>> Shut up.

>> Yes, Gina. That's enough.

>> You're right. Sorry. Too far.

>> Well, let me just add one little thing.

Off topic. Rosa wants to bone your

nephew.

>> Marquez, you leaving? Come have

breakfast with us.

>> You're up early.

Okay.

>> And Detective Diaz is here as well.

>> Hey.

>> Hello, Kevin.

>> Rosa, Marcus,

>> Kevin, Uncle Ray,

>> Marcus, and Cheddar. Cheddar is also

here.

>> Uh, would you care to join us?

>> Sure. Shall we sit?

>> I don't think sit.

>> Good. Then feel no obligation to stay,

Rosa. Detective Diaz. Detective Rosa

Diaz is in my breakfast nook.

>> So, who would like French toast? I can

put a bacon smile on it.

>> My being here is weird. This was a bad

idea. We shouldn't see each other again.

>> Wow. Detective Rosa Diaz has left. H

Marcus. Detective Diaz. What a surprise.

I didn't expect you for another 9 and a

half minutes.

>> See, told you it was rude to be early.

Well, let's cancel the entire evening

and try again next year. [laughter]

>> She is hilarious. Thought you might need

some help setting up.

>> I'll help with these and some water.

Thank you. Marcus, you can help with the

buff borg. I sub shallots for onions in

the mir pot.

>> No. Are you kidding? I have no idea.

>> Amy says that we should start dinner

without her. Then she writes whats colon

hyphen close parenthesis.

>> Great. It's much nicer just the four of

us. We can really get into it. Yeah,

let's do just that. Um, so Marcus, what

uh orchids can you name?

>> Oh, that's easy. None.

>> Uh, well, here are the orchids that I

can name. Bardia, Bellaglatus,

Benthamia, Defilax, Toddium, Evotella.

>> Raymond, you know how much I love

hearing you talk about orchids.

>> Great. Then there's Eryanis,

>> but I would love to hear more about our

guest. Roso, tell us about your family.

>> I have one. Oh, you got to give her more

det. Her father's a teacher. They're

from Benton Earth.

>> Speaking of which, have they finished

repairing the Hubble Space Telescope?

>> Yes. 6 years ago. So, do you have

siblings?

>> I have

two sisters.

>> I have to leave this.

[clears throat]

>> Great idea. Got to take a breather. That

was way too personal. No one needs to

know you have sisters. New topic, the

moons of Jupiter.

>> I think I might be pregnant.

>> Oh.

Oh.

Oh

no.

>> Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

>> I can see the head. Rosa, get over here.

I'm going to need a second set of hands.

>> She really doesn't want to be done with

that end. No, it's okay. I got this. I

can close my eyes, right?

>> Keep them open.

>> Oh, damn it.

>> Just keep pushing. You're almost there.

>> Oh, but Jake's not here yet.

>> Sam, I'm here.

>> Jake,

>> I can't believe I made it. I'm going to

see the birth of my We're on page 53,

BABE. WE'RE ON PAGE 53.

>> I [screaming] KNOW.

>> I RODE A HORSE.

>> WELL, we did it, Ames. We made the

world's hottest baby.

>> Say cute, Jake.

>> No, this kid is liquid fire. Crazy to

think in just 17 short years, he's going

to be 6'7 in the number one draft pick

for the Knicks.

>> And that he's going to pass up that

opportunity to pursue his true passion,

library sciences.

>> Well, the important thing is we'll

support him no matter what.

>> Even if he's a huge, huge nerd,

>> especially then.

>> Are we going to be okay at this?

I mean, this entire day felt like a

warning from the universe. I almost

missed the birth. We had our baby at the

precinct. A firefighter touched our

child.

>> We washed them off.

>> Yeah, but I'll always know.

>> Babe, we talked about this. Everyone

balances working kids.

>> Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.

>> True, but when our son wants to hear

about the day he was born, we get to

tell him that his dad helped a bunch of

people and foiled a bank robbery.

>> Guess that is kind of cool.

>> And his mom managed a citywide emergency

while actually giving birth.

I'm proud for our son to have you as a

dad.

>> Me, too.

>> For you to be the mom. I wasn't just

agreeing with the nice thing you said

about me.

>> I love you.

>> Love you, too.

>> Ah, the boils are here. Good tidings.

Genevieve. Hello. You're looking

>> sexy as a minkx.

>> I was going to say festive due to the

scarf.

>> The bra underneath is insane.

>> It is.

>> Okay. Parenthood has not changed you

two. Hey there, Nicolage, my man. How

you doing?

>> Hi, Jake. We made Daddy Lapian Christmas

cookies. Want one?

>> You bet I do.

>> The potato really brings out the

vinegar.

>> Neither of those are cookie things. I'm

just going to put that back. So, you

excited for Christmas, bud?

>> Yeah, I'm so excited.

>> This is Nicolaga's first Christmas

because the orphanage kept canceling it.

Once it was blizzards, once it was

fires, and once it was

>> famine.

>> That's right. Famine.

>> Oh,

>> Pablo promised me the best present ever.

Captain Lafia action figure.

>> Whoa. Captain Lafia. What's his

superpower? Can he talk to moose?

>> No. Possums

>> worse.

>> It's a very difficult toy to get in

America. So, I was worried when Charles

told Nicolage he would get him one. I

said, "Keep it a surprise so you don't

build up his expectations." But Charles

said, "No way. I want to build

expectations."

>> We all remember the conversation. Oh,

work time for daddy. I'll see you guys

later. Okay. I love you guys so much.

>> Love you.

>> All right.

>> Bye.

>> Christmas is going to be amazing.

Christmas is going to suck. I don't have

the present.

>> What? But you promised. I ordered it a

month ago from a lot toy store and it

still hasn't arrived yet. The shipping

company has given me the runaround. All

right. So, just get him a different

present, like a jet ski or a hammer. I

don't know what kids are into.

>> Genevieve and I worked so hard to get

Nicolasha to trust us when we brought

him home. Oh, that's going to be

destroyed the way Dry Rock destroyed his

orphanage.

>> Trust me, it's going to be fine.

>> Really? You said that about Die Hard 5.

Jake.

>> Oh,

it's not going to be fine.

>> Hey, Jake.

>> Here. Give him this from you. It's a

policeman just like you, Papa. This is

the coolest present ever. I'm Detective

Papa and I'm going to go to the farmers

market. I hope they have age.

>> Oh my god, I'm melting. I'm literally

turning into a puddle. Genevie, hold me.

>> I got you, babe.

>> Oh, honey, that flat ass is perched

right on top of my ute.

>> I'm going to pretend none of that was

said for the sake of the child.

>> We can take care of Mac and still do

both of our jobs. Trust me, we've got

this whole parenting thing figured out.

>> It's true. We're great and Mac is great.

I mean, the only teeny tiny issue is

that he isn't pulling himself up yet.

But the window for that is nine to 12

months. So, the fact that he's 10 months

old and isn't doing it yet doesn't mean

that we're bad parents. And I was

reading that Simone Biles went straight

from crawling to walking. So, yeah, I

guess I should be concerned that my son

is on the same track as a multiple gold

medal winner. I mean, get real, sir.

[laughter]

>> So, yeah, Max's having um a little

trouble pulling up, but did that

convince you to give us more

responsibility? Amy, we got to talk. I

just got a call from one police plaza.

They said they were trying to reach you

all morning.

>> Mac broke my phone. What do they want?

>> They moved your presentation up. YOU'RE

ON IN 20 MINUTES.

>> 20 MINUTES?

>> WE KNOW WHERE Franzia is. We're going to

go arrest him. I need you to take Mac.

>> No, you need to take Mac. I have to go

right now.

>> So do I. What do we do?

>> I guess we could call that creepy

babysitter you like so much.

>> THE BABYSITTER IS FRENZIA.

>> EVEN BETTER. TWO BIRDS AND ONE STONE. We

bring him to you.

>> We're not giving her baby to A SERIAL

KILLER.

>> OH, GROW UP. COME ON.

>> I'LL TAKE MAC.

>> Are you sure?

>> Yes, absolutely.

>> All right. Now, go. Everyone get out of

here. Come on.

>> Love you.

>> Right as we get there, Frania [music]

disappears into these crazy underground

tunnels. So, we have to switch over to

night vision.

>> Charles, it's all so awesome, but I

actually have to stop you because I got

to go. I have to feed this baby some

mushed up avocado.

Oh my god.

>> What happened? Is Mac okay.

>> He just pulled himself up.

>> Cheddar. Cheddar the dog.

>> Oh, he ate the cake.

>> Oh, Cheddar, you furry little pig.

>> Dad.

>> What's going on here? Why is Cheddar

here? And why is he in swim trunks?

>> Because the little sailor outfit

wouldn't fit his tush.

>> Excuse We're setting you up a Twitter

account and the fastest way to get

followers is cute animal pigs.

>> I follow an account that's just this one

real grouchy chinchilla. [laughter]

He hates waking up so much.

>> HE REALLY DOES. HE'S LIKE,

>> "This is ridiculous. This has nothing to

do with police work."

>> Exactly. It's about being noticed. And

right now, no one is noticing you.

>> I didn't even realize we were talking to

a third party presently.

>> Fine. If you really think it's

necessary, I will establish a social

media presence. But I'll be setting up

my own account. And I assure you, I

won't be resorting to foolish gimmicks

involving my dog.

>> Uh, you might want to rethink that

stance because how cute would Cheddar

look in this hat?

>> Please, when it comes to clothes.

Cheddar wears little booties in the snow

or Cheddar wears nothing. And now it's

time to send in our cute little secret

weapon.

>> I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.

>> No, Charles, not you. I was talking

about Cheddar.

>> Oh, right. Obviously.

>> Over the past month, I've had him

trained to retrieve plaques. And now,

boy, it's time to make daddy proud.

>> Yes, sir.

>> I could not have been more clearly

talking to the dog.

>> Yeah. Want a trade? Hitchcock, Skully,

and the donkey. Three for one. I'll even

throw in Cheddar.

>> Why? So he can spy on me.

>> Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy. Aboard

she's on to us.

>> So Cheddar has an earpiece. Wait.

Here

comes Cheddar. Cheddar the dog.

>> Yeah, we all knew he was coming. You

don't have to make such a meal out of

it.

>> Go, Cheddar. Audacity means fetch.

Cheddar's been taking Latin.

>> Cheddar has been kidnapped.

>> Someone took our fluffy boy.

>> Oh my god, what happened? Well, Cheddar

and I walked to the bakery together. We

shared a plain scone. Then we went to

the park and I let him off leash. He

never came back.

>> Someone took our fluffy boy.

>> Right. You mentioned that. Now, just to

be clear, you didn't actually see

someone take him, right? So, there's a

chance Cheddar just ran away, you know,

like some dogs do.

>> Cheddar isn't some dog. He would never

do that. Someone took our

>> fluffy boy. Yes, I understand.

>> I need you to drop everything. Nothing

in the world is as important to me as

this dog. 3 minutes after 8. This man is

unhinged. You said you'd call it 8.

>> My watch is slow. Put the files on a

flash drive and have your husband bring

it to the 9inth Street entrance of

Prospect Park at noon.

>> My husband? No, I'm not involving him in

this. I'll bring them myself.

>> I don't trust you. I told you not to

look for me, but you did. Send your

husband or the deal is off.

>> I refuse to put Kevin in harm's way.

>> Understood. But I think maybe I have a

way to put Kevin in danger without

putting Kevin in danger.

>> WELL, HELLO THERE, RAYMOND. IT'S ME,

KEVIN.

>> AND I am Detective Jacob Peralta. He

didn't have anything else to wear, so he

just switched. [music] He understands.

>> Look, Raymond, a yellowrested warbler.

>> Look, Gaymond, a yellow-crusted warbler.

>> No, you're too excited. The warbler is a

common bird.

>> And then I said, which metamorphosis?

Kofka or OID. [laughter]

>> He loves it. He loves it.

>> So, that's the joke. Now, you tell it.

>> Oh, okay. So, a professor walks into a

rare books collection.

>> No, you've ruined it. Now, it's not

funny.

>> Look, Raymond, a yellow crusted Worbler.

Yes, that's the right level of

excitement for such a bird. You've

captured the essence of Kevin. You've

done it.

>> Correction. I've accomplished it.

>> Indeed.

>> Indeed. Indeed, indeed. Indeed, indeed.

Indeed, Indeed, indeed. Indeed.

>> It's growing on me.

>> Cheddar. Uh, my fluffy boy. I've missed

you. So,

>> all right, put up your hands. I'm going

to tap you down.

>> There's no need for that. Here, I have

the drive. Just take it.

>> Thanks. I'm still going to pat you down.

>> Be my guest, but you're not going to

find anything. Here's a gun. Whoops.

And another gun. I forgot about that

one, too.

>> So, the professor's got two guns on him,

and he's wearing a fake beard.

>> Please don't rip it off. It hurts

[music] so much.

>> I think the professor is actually a cop.

Something tells me I should check that

drive. There's a laptop in the front

seat. [music] Get it. These files aren't

the real deal. You and the dog are dead.

>> Well, no need to worry because

everything is on the level. It'll be

completely fine.

>> Cheddar, go. Go, boy.

>> Do you hear?

>> Yes, I do. That's the jingle of

Cheddar's collar.

>> And that's his bark.

>> Oh, it's our fluffy boy.

>> Good dog. Good dog.

>> Oh, Mr. Cheddar, how I've missed you.

>> We both have.

>> I'm putting that GPS tag on your collar

immediately. Damn it. It's not here. I'm

wearing Peralta's pants. And now my

hands are sticky.

>> Wait, so Peralta is wearing your pants,

which means

>> he doesn't have sticky hands.

>> Yes, but also he has the GPS tracker.

>> So, what's your plan here, Kingston? You

going to torture me? You going to put my

beard back on and rip it off again?

>> No. I'm going to cut off each one of

your fingers until you tell me who the

rat is.

>> I see. Well, that's bad news because I

don't know who the rat is, and I need

all my fingers if I'm going to be

Warriio.

>> You can't be Wario.

>> You can. How do you do it?

>> Well, simple. When he's approaching, you

just tap the

>> Damn it. Motion detector.

>> Wait, sir. What do you tap?

>> Get up. Let's go. Kingston, what do you

tap? What do you tap?

NYPD. NYPD.

>> SPLIT UP. COVER THE EXITS.

FREEZE. CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN. [screaming]

>> He's not getting away. HE TOOK MY DOG.

>> OH my god. It's happening.

[screaming]

>> [groaning]

>> Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you

need is an umbrella.

>> Tell them why. Tell them why.

>> Cuz there's a storm going to rain down

on you, punk. [screaming]

[groaning]

>> [screaming and groaning]

>> My goodness.

[groaning and screaming]

>> [groaning]

[screaming]

>> You took the wrong fluffy [screaming]

boy.

>> He's done. Cuff him. Yes, sir.

>> [music]

>> Heat.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
surprise /səˈprʌɪz/ B1	noun - an unexpected event or fact verb - to cause someone to feel sudden astonishment
investigation /ˌɪn.ves.tɪˈɡeɪ.ʃən/ B2	noun - the act of examining facts to discover the truth
justice /ˈdʒʌs.tɪs/ B2	noun - fairness in dealing with people or enforcing law
alibi /ˈæl.ɪ.baɪ/ C1	noun - a claim that one was elsewhere when a crime occurred
evidence /ˈev.ɪ.dəns/ B2	noun - information that supports a belief or claim
betrayal /bɪˈtreɪ.əl/ C1	noun - the act of being disloyal or treacherous
commitment /kəˈmɪt.mənt/ B2	noun - a promise or obligation to do something
marriage /ˈmær.ɪdʒ/ B1	noun - the legally or formally recognized union of two people
responsibility /rɪˌspɒn.sɪˈbɪl.ɪ.ti/ B2	noun - the duty to take care of something or someone
conspiracy /kənˈspɪr.ə.si/ C1	noun - a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful
protect /prəˈtekt/ B1	verb - to keep safe from harm or danger
forgive /fərˈɡɪv/ B1	verb - to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone
sacrifice /ˈsæk.rɪ.faɪs/ B2	noun - the giving up of something valued for the sake of something else verb - to give up something valuable for a purpose or cause
relationship /rɪˈleɪ.ʃən.ʃɪp/ B1	noun - the way in which two or more people or things are connected
danger /ˈdeɪn.dʒɚ/ B1	noun - the possibility of suffering harm or injury
revelation /ˌrev.əˈleɪ.ʃən/ C1	noun - a surprising and previously unknown fact revealed
compromise /ˈkɒm.prə.maɪz/ B2	verb - to settle a dispute by making mutual concessions noun - an agreement reached by each side giving up something
accusation /ˌæk.jʊˈzeɪ.ʃən/ C1	noun - a claim that someone has done something illegal or wrong
loyalty /ˈlɔɪ.əl.ti/ B2	noun - faithful support or allegiance to a person or cause
grief /ɡriːf/ B1	noun - deep sorrow caused by loss, especially of a loved one

Key Grammar Structures

• Would you mind passing me those crap puffs?

  ➔ Polite request with "Would you mind" + gerund

  ➔ "Would you mind" is used to ask someone politely to do something. The verb after it is in the gerund form ("passing").

• If we could get a surprise dinner, that would be perfect.

  ➔ Second conditional (unreal present) – "If + could + base verb, would + verb"

  ➔ "If we **could** get a surprise dinner" expresses an unreal or unlikely situation in the present; the result clause uses "**would** be".

• He had stepped on it getting out of bed.

  ➔ Past perfect – "had + past participle" to show an action completed before another past action

  ➔ "**had stepped**" is the past perfect form, indicating that the stepping occurred before another past event ("getting out of bed").

• She said, "She said it was a bowl."

  ➔ Reported speech – verb of saying + clause with backshifting

  ➔ The first "said" introduces the report; inside the quotation the verb "was" is back‑shifted from present to past because of the reporting verb.

• There's no need for that.

  ➔ Existential "there" + noun phrase + "need" to express lack of necessity

  ➔ "**There’s**" is an existential dummy subject; the phrase "no need for that" states that something is unnecessary.

• Can we cut the turkey?

  ➔ Modal verb "can" for permission/request in a yes/no question

  ➔ "**Can** we" asks for permission; the verb "cut" follows directly after the modal.

• Don't be absurd.

  ➔ Negative imperative – "don't" + base verb

  ➔ "**Don't** be" uses the negative contraction "don't" followed by the base verb "be" to give a prohibition.

• I don't know how many half‑sisters did you say I have, Dad?

  ➔ Indirect question – statement + embedded question with normal word order

  ➔ "**I don't know**" introduces the indirect question; within it the clause "how many half‑sisters **did you say** I have" keeps the usual subject‑verb order, not the inverted order of a direct question.