– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

I AM A CATHOLIC.

BUT I'M SO BUSY, I HARDLY MAKE IT TO CHURCH ANY MORE.

IT'S WHAT WE CATHOLICS CALL, "HOLY GHOSTING."

( LAUGHTER ) AND WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT

MY CHURCH IS CONFESSION.

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.

YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?

>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!

>> Stephen: GREAT.

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S "MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS!"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY

SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.

OKAY, RILE BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ ♪ ♪ FORGIVE ME AUDIENCE.

AFTER EVERYTHING HE'S SEEN ME DO, IF MY DOG COULD TALK, I

DON'T THINK WE'D BE ON SPEAKING TERMS.

( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, AUDIENCE, IF I LIKE A

PHOTO OF YOUR BABY ON FACEBOOK, IT'S NOT BECAUSE IT'S CUTE.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M IMAGINING HOW YOU MADE THAT BABY.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

GOOD JOB, BY THE WAY.

GOOD JOB.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD MACK A BABY THAT WAY.

AUDIENCE, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK IN MOVIES, BUT I STILL

THINK I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HUM THE "JEOPARDY" THEME DURING THE

BORE PARTS.

SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE, I PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT SPORTS

MORE THAN I ACTUALLY DO.

GO, SPORTS.

( LAUGHTER ) GO, SPORTS.

PUT THE THING-- PUT THE THING, OR THE BALL, OR WHATEVER, WHERE

YOU WANT IT TO BE AND DON'T LET THE OTHER GUYS PREVENT YOU FROM

DOING IT.

( LAUGHTER ) I ALWAYS ADD GUACAMOLE, NO

MATTER WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT I'M IN.

SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS?

TOSS SOME GAWK MOLLY ON THERE.

AUDIENCE, I DON'T HAVE DRAWERS FOR MY CLOTHES.

I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THE DRYER IS FOR.

FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE, THE MOST EXERCISE I EVER GOT FROM MY

TREADMILL WAS DRAGGING IT OUT TO THE GARBAGE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I TURN OFF MY MY CAR'S G.P.S. A FEW BLOCKS

FROM HOME SO I CAN FEEL LIKE AN EXPLORER.

( LAUGHTER ) I STILL HAVE NO IDEA IF ALUMINUM

FOIL IS RECYCLABLE.

BUT IF IT IS...

COULD SOMEONE PICK THIS UP?

( APPLAUSE ) ( HUMMING "JEOPARDY" THEME )

WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS "GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT,"

I WAIT A LITTLE, THEN I SLAP THEM.

( APPLAUSE ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!

>> Stephen: THANKS.

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
Catholic /ˈkæθəlɪk/ A2	noun - a member of the Catholic Church
confession /kənˈfɛʃən/ A2	noun - the act of admitting to wrongdoing
audience /ˈɔːdiəns/ A1	noun - a group of people watching or listening to something
forgive /fəˈrɪv/ A2	verb - to stop being angry or resentful toward someone
imagine /ɪˈmædʒɪn/ A2	verb - to form a mental image or concept of something
hum /hʌm/ A1	verb - to make a low, continuous sound
pretend /prɪˈtɛnd/ A2	verb - to behave as if something is true when it is not
guacamole /ˌɡwɑːkəˈmoʊli/ B1	noun - a dip made from avocados, onions, and spices
treadmill /ˈtrɛdmɪl/ B1	noun - an exercise machine for walking or running indoors
explorer /ɪkˈsplɔːrər/ A2	noun - a person who travels to unknown places
aluminum /əˈluːmɪnəm/ A2	noun - a lightweight, silvery-white metal
recyclable /riˈsaɪkləbəl/ B1	adjective - able to be recycled
slap /slæp/ A1	verb - to strike with the open hand

Key Grammar Structures

• I AM A CATHOLIC.

  ➔ Present Simple Tense

  ➔ The sentence uses the present simple tense to state a permanent condition or identity.

• IT'S WHAT WE CATHOLICS CALL, 'HOLY GHOSTING.'

  ➔ Relative Pronoun (what)

  ➔ The relative pronoun 'what' introduces a clause that describes the noun 'it'.

• IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU.

  ➔ Conditional Sentence (Type 1)

  ➔ This is a Type 1 conditional sentence, used to talk about possible situations in the future.

• I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD MAKE A BABY THAT WAY.

  ➔ Past Simple + Could (Ability)

  ➔ The past simple with 'could' is used to express past ability or possibility.

• I BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THE DRYER IS FOR.

  ➔ Present Simple + 's' (Third Person Singular)

  ➔ The present simple with 's' is used for third-person singular subjects.

• WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS 'GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT,' I WAIT A LITTLE, THEN I SLAP THEM.

  ➔ Subordinating Conjunction (Whenever)

  ➔ The subordinating conjunction 'whenever' introduces a time-based conditional clause.

• FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.

  ➔ Imperative Mood

  ➔ The imperative mood is used to give commands or make requests.