– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Please give a big Chicago welcome to Dr.

Perita McDow aka Dr. Mac.

>> Hi.

[Applause]

Have you ever had great sex?

the really connected kind where you're

in it and you're thinking this is far

beyond my expectations, but I'm really

happy to be a part of the experience.

Not so much for the like or the love of

it all, but it's full of so much passion

that you're thinking

this is what the old school R&B songs

are about.

This is jazz.

This is flavor.

Oh, this is an orgasm.

Do you remember your first Discovery

orgasm and how it's maybe grown up a

bit? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.

I am so intrigued when I have the

opportunity to hear about really genuine

and authentic sexual experiences because

I understand how rare they are. I know

how rare they are based on the reaction

I got from this audience when I first

started my speech.

Some of you leaned in. You know exactly

what I was talking about.

Some are still clutching your pearls

trying to figure out how I'm talking

about sex from this platform.

The rest of you have absolutely no idea

what I mean

because you've never given yourself

permission

to really dig into,

think about, let alone talk about why

every single person deserves healthy,

happy, and consensual sex.

And no one should feel any shame or any

guilt regarding the type of sex they

want to have and who they want to have

it with.

So the biggest barrier between you and

not just living your best sex life but

your best life are your words. Do you

have what it takes to say what needs to

be said?

So I am only here to get you to start

some [ __ ] with yourself.

Okay.

I've had the opportunity to work with

eighth grade girls in Chicago public

schools all the way to amazing scholars

and researchers at Stanford University.

And what I have concluded from both ends

is when we think about where we learn to

communicate about sex, intimacy, and

relationships is absolutely nowhere.

We have just been living life, figuring

things out as we go, bigger trials and

even bigger errors.

So, we all suffer from one common

pre-existing condition, silence.

But why did we become so silent about

something so good?

Did we wake up one day and say, "I'm

never going to talk about that."

Or did we feel like we weren't supposed

to talk about that?

Either way, when we figure it out, we

can fix it. Your voice can become strong

enough to say things like, "I don't like

that.

I don't want that. No, sir. I did not

have an orgasm.

But we first have to figure out

where you may have lost a little bit of

your voice or just where you learned

your words.

How did you learn how people in

relationships communicated? Where did

you get it from? Or in the words of my

mother, she would say, "Girl, where did

you get that mouth?"

If my mother were here today, I would

proudly say,

"Exactly from you, mama."

As you can see,

[Applause]

>> I not only look just like my mama, I

sound like her, too.

I didn't realize it until I was in an

argument with my first boyfriend and I

used the exact same curse words as my

mother in the exact same cadence.

And it wasn't until I grew older and had

more friendships and more relationships.

And people would say it's not what you

say, it's how you say it. And I realized

in that moment

I didn't want my mother's voice.

I wanted my own.

So, I had to decide what I wanted to

sound like. And if it sounds like it

took a lot of healing and work, it did.

So, now let's dig into you.

Everybody's starting point is different.

But how did people communicate in your

house?

Was it yelling and screaming, cursing,

a lot of sarcasm, innuendo to avoid

direct communication?

Did the women do all the talking and the

men rarely communicated? And when the

women spoke,

were they ladylike,

pleasing, demure,

not to cause any conflict? Were they

loud and emasculating and rude?

I don't know,

maybe your family was loving and

understanding and when you were a child,

they knew your emotional capacity and

they answered your questions with an

immense amount of non-judgmental

patience.

Sounds like a dream.

Or maybe you didn't ask questions

because you were seen and not heard.

Maybe you didn't communicate at all out

of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of

abandonment,

fear of violence.

Either way,

that is when

you stop really talking.

Maybe that's when you lost your voice.

Maybe you never had a voice. Or maybe

you sound just like your mama, too.

But now we have to dig into

where you lost the words when you first

started to learn them. When you were

little, first started to talk. Maybe you

lost it when you said your grandmother's

famous macaroni was nasty.

And in that moment, you were swiftly

reminded

that if you tell an elder what you don't

like is disrespectful.

instead of learning how to articulate

what you don't like respectfully.

Maybe it was when you told your family,

"I don't like football.

I'm not a bear fan."

Or when you said, "I don't want to go to

the family church anymore. I don't want

to go into the family business."

Or maybe it was when you said, "I don't

like boys or I want to be one."

Either way, the reaction to that moment

determined how much shame and how much

guilt you felt around your own truth.

And you decided, I probably won't tell

it anymore.

Dr. Tyra Stevenson tells us that the

hardest part about being a

psychotherapist is ridding my clients of

shame and guilt built into them.

So when we think about these things, we

have to consider how it impacts how we

communicate today.

Maybe it's why you ghost people so you

don't have to do the work to actually

engage in the conversation to reach a

solution.

Maybe it's why you go to events, but you

stay on your phone because it's a bit

too much work to actually talk to new

people, to develop new relationships.

Maybe you rather text and actually hear

someone's voice to feel them.

Maybe you tell yourself things like, "No

new friends," or "This is just how I

am." Or anything that helps you accept

the fact that

you like the idea of people, but not

actual people.

We're breaking news.

If you want to find your person, have

good conversations that lead to great

sex, you have to be committed to being

around people in real life.

[Applause]

Maybe you got your person. Maybe you

married already and and have your

partnerships.

Believe it or not, those same

communication habits walk right into

your bedroom.

A lot of married couples have sex that

don't talk about sex.

I call that maintenance.

Imagine being a kisser. It's your thing.

You enjoy kissing. It starts everything

up for you. But you won't tell your

partner because you don't want to deal

with it. You don't want the complaints.

You don't want to have the conversation.

You're not enjoying sex. You're

tolerating it.

What if you love to be touched? It makes

you feel sexy and wanted and everything

in between, but you won't tell your

partner that that's something that you

like because they're supposed to read

your mind and just know.

I've had the blessing of being able to

have conversations with thousands of

black women and we have this tone of

tolerance

that somehow it makes sense

for us

to stay in an unsatisfactory

mediocre situation

and that seems fair. But demanding that

we have the best, not just sex life, but

the best relationship seems a bit rude.

And when I've had the opportunity to

work with men, either in my classroom or

when they're commenting under something

that I posted,

they seem to have this fear of

neverending conflict should they decide

to address the type of sex that their

wife is giving them.

I heard a gentleman tell me that if I

ask my wife for the sex that I want, she

will divorce me.

Both examples confuse me

because to be at risk of some form of

punishment or disciplinary action or

avoidance or silent treatment because

you want to try something new in the

bedroom.

Wow. I know we fighting for freedom of

speech in the world, but you fighting

for freedom of speech at home.

This type of communication takes a bit

of humility. For sure.

We've already established that some of

us didn't get textbooks and long

conversations about intimacy and sex and

that we haven't solicited the help of a

psychologist, a psychotherapist, a sex

therapist, an intimacy coach, nobody.

So, how dare us get offended when

somebody who has committed to have sex

with us one time or for a lifetime says,

"This ain't it.

We need help. I want more."

Not being able to communicate and

advocate for yourself in your

relationship is a prison of sorts.

Dr. Vanessa Goodard tells us that when

you practice self-carebased

communication, you're practicing

self-love.

You have to advocate for yourself.

That's what sounds like freedom.

freedom in your relationship to be able

to say, "Let's try this." Even if it's

just an experiment one time or if you

decide to say, "I could do this every

day."

Or the humility and the vulnerability

that comes with saying, "I need help

with this. Can you show me?"

That is when you find the rhythm.

That is when you hear the jazz.

That is when you taste the flavor.

That level of authenticity and honesty

makes your relationship multi-layered

and multi-orggasmic.

I like the claps every time I say

orgasm.

So stop skipping the conversations.

There is no real relationship that you

really want to keep where you don't have

the capacity to talk it through.

And remember, it's not just for you.

It's for everybody that's listening to

you. Are our children learning how to

advocate or avoid? Are they learning how

to talk or are they learning how to

ghost?

Either way, I know the future must be

full of humans talking to each other.

So, now that I've convinced you

that people who have great

communication,

end up in great relationships,

and have mindblowing sex, you just have

to do a few things. First, tell yourself

the truth.

about what you need help with and ask

for help.

I understand this is Chicago and we're

very confident people, but like my

husband often tells me, even Jordan had

a coach.

Now that you know better, vow to do

better. You can no longer pretend that

you didn't hear me say these words.

And be both graceful and grateful for

the growth in your partnerships and in

your relationships.

I am Dr. Harita Tama Lache Jackson

Mcdow.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

But Dr. Mac will do.

I wish you a lifetime of great

conversations and mindblowing sex.

[Music]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
intrigued /ɪnˈtriːd/ B1	adjective - fascinated or curious
genuine /ˈdʒɛnjuɪn/ A2	adjective - real and exactly what it appears to be
authentic /ɔːˈθɛntɪk/ B1	adjective - real or genuine, not copied or false
consensual /kənˈsɛnʃuəl/ B2	adjective - agreed upon by all parties involved
barrier /ˈbærɪər/ A2	noun - an obstacle or blockage
articulate /ɑːrˈtɪkjulət/ B1	verb - to express thoughts clearly in words
ghost /ɡoʊst/ B1	verb - to suddenly cut off all communication with someone
commit /kəˈmɪt/ A2	verb - to pledge or bind oneself to a course of action
tolerance /ˈtɒlərəns/ B1	noun - the ability to accept something unpleasant
mediocre /ˈmiːdiəkr/ B1	adjective - of moderate or low quality
humility /hjuːˈmɪlɪti/ B2	noun - the quality of being humble
vulnerability /ˌvʌlnərəˈbɪlɪti/ B2	noun - susceptibility to physical or emotional attack or harm
advocate /ˈædvəkət/ B1	verb - to speak or write in support of something
mindblowing /ˈmaɪndˌbloʊɪŋ/ B1	adjective - extremely impressive or surprising
graceful /ˈɡreɪsful/ B1	adjective - characterized by beauty of movement, style, and form
grateful /ˈɡreɪtfəl/ A2	adjective - feeling or showing thanks

Key Grammar Structures

• Have you ever had great sex? The really connected kind where you're in it and you're thinking this is far beyond my expectations, but I'm really happy to be a part of the experience.

  ➔ Relative Clause

  ➔ The phrase "where you're in it and you're thinking..." is a relative clause that provides additional information about the type of sex being discussed.

• Not so much for the like or the love of it all, but it's full of so much passion that you're thinking this is what the old school R&B songs are about.

  ➔ Contrastive Conjunction

  ➔ The phrase "Not so much for... but..." is a contrastive conjunction used to show a contrast between two ideas.

• So the biggest barrier between you and not just living your best sex life but your best life are your words.

  ➔ Parallel Structure

  ➔ The phrase "not just living your best sex life but your best life" uses parallel structure to emphasize both aspects equally.

• Maybe you lost it when you said your grandmother's famous macaroni was nasty.

  ➔ Past Perfect

  ➔ The phrase "Maybe you lost it when you said..." uses the past perfect to indicate an action that occurred before another past action.

• Either way, that is when you stop really talking.

  ➔ Emphatic Structure

  ➔ The phrase "that is when" is used for emphasis to highlight the specific moment being discussed.

• I've had the blessing of being able to have conversations with thousands of black women and we have this tone of tolerance.

  ➔ Present Perfect

  ➔ The phrase "I've had the blessing" uses the present perfect to describe an experience that started in the past and continues to the present.

• Both examples confuse me because to be at risk of some form of punishment or disciplinary action or avoidance or silent treatment because you want to try something new in the bedroom.

  ➔ Infinitive of Purpose

  ➔ The phrase "because you want to try something new" uses the infinitive of purpose to explain the reason for the confusion.

• That is when you find the rhythm. That is when you hear the jazz. That is when you taste the flavor.

  ➔ Repetition for Emphasis

  ➔ The repetition of "That is when" is used to emphasize each point and create a rhythmic effect.

• I wish you a lifetime of great conversations and mindblowing sex.

  ➔ Noun + Prepositional Phrase

  ➔ The phrase "a lifetime of great conversations" uses a noun followed by a prepositional phrase to describe the duration and quality of the wish.