– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Oh, here it is. Oh, Joey, why did you

sign it? Son of a

[laughter]

>> I didn't do that. Who would have done

that?

>> Son of a

>> Okay, maybe ask this guy. [laughter]

>> You get out of MY SHOP.

>> WHAT? WHAT DID HE DO?

>> He went out with my wife,

>> Joey.

I Hey, I did not go out with your wife.

Okay. I I went out WITH HER.

>> THAT'S MY WIFE.

GET OUT.

>> We should go.

>> Joey's having a party and he wasn't

going to invite us. Yeah, he does it

every year. That's why he's sending you

to the play. That's why he sent us to

that medieval restaurant and to that

button factory and that that horrible

museum tour.

>> No, I arranged that.

>> Hey, you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.

>> [laughter]

>> We know about your party, Joey.

>> What party?

>> The game's over. Take off your robe.

>> Very. I mean,

>> NO.

>> LISTEN, UH, you guys think I have a

chance with Janine?

>> Well, honey, we have been through this

before.

>> Yeah. Don't do this to yourself. She

made it pretty clear it is not going to

happen.

>> Well, all right then. I guess I

shouldn't get too excited about the fact

that I JUST KISSED HER.

>> SEE, THAT'S RIGHT. REALLY?

>> YEAH. WELL, we'll see.

>> You kissed her?

>> Oh, we kissed it up real nice.

>> So, you kissed her. So, what happened

after that?

>> I came over here to tell you guys.

>> So, she's just waiting over there for

you.

Well, is everybody else having just the

best time? Shh, Joey's asleep.

After he passed out, we put the sand

around him to keep him warm.

Well, I assume the uh happy couple isn't

up yet. Did you guys hear them last

night?

>> Oh, yeah. I don't know what they were

doing, but at one point, sea turtles

actually came up to the house.

>> Good morning.

>> Hey. How'd everybody sleep?

>> Oh, great.

>> Like a lo. [laughter] Us, too.

>> We're going for a walk.

Good morning.

>> Nice breast, by the way. [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Typical New York City apartment. Two

girls are just hanging out.

[laughter]

>> Hi. How are you doing, Kelly?

>> I'm doing just fine. God, Tiffany, you

smell so great.

>> [laughter]

>> It's my new perfume. Why don't you come

closer where you can really appreciate

it?

>> Oh, you know, Joey, you are sick.

>> This is disgusting.

>> Wait, wait, wait. The handsome MAN WAS

ABOUT TO ENTER.

>> FINE. OKAY, FINE. But I got to say,

technically, I didn't even do anything

wrong.

>> What? You You didn't do anything wrong.

I I said I didn't technically.

Okay. Well, let's put aside the fact

that you accidentally picked up my

grandmother's ring and you accidentally

proposed to Rachel.

>> Can I just stop you right there for a

second? When people do this, I don't

really know what that means.

[laughter]

>> You saying?

>> And I can even understand that you

couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't

you tell me? Huh? You had all day to and

you didn't.

>> I know. I should have.

>> I'm sorry.

[laughter]

>> Not using it right. Joe,

[laughter]

>> I'm going to go.

>> No. Come on. Look, Ross. We have to get

past this.

>> Give me the bag.

>> No. Look, I I don't know what else to

do. I said I'm sorry. Now, you should

scream at me or or or curse me or hit

me.

>> I'm not going to hit you.

>> Why not? You'll feel better. I'll feel

better. And you know you want to. I can

see it in your eyes. [laughter]

>> No, I don't.

>> A little bit.

>> No.

>> Little bit.

>> No.

>> Little bit more.

>> No. Hit me.

>> Give me the back.

>> Hit me, Joey. Give me the back.

>> Hit me, Joe. I'm not kidding. Hit me.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.

>> [laughter]

[cheering]

>> YOU DUCKED.

>> I'M SORRY. IT WAS A REFLEX.

>> Oh my god. THIS THIS REALLY HURTS.

>> I COULDN'T help it. When a fist comes at

your face, you duck. Look.

>> What is THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU WERE

SUPPOSED TO DUCK. WHY DIDN'T YOU DUCK?

WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT this on the way

to the hospital?

>> Good. Good. Yeah. Maybe while we're

there, they can check your reflexes.

>> I broke my thumb. Your thumb?

>> That's weird. Are you sure you're

punching right? Make Make a fist.

Maybe later.

Ross, I feel terrible.

>> You know what? You can go. I just have

to fill out some forms.

You uh you want you want me to help you

with that?

>> Why does it look like I'm having trouble

with my misshapen claw?

>> Name?

[laughter]

No, I know Ross, but what's it short

for? You know, like like Russell

or or Rostifer.

[laughter]

That's Ross.

It's pretty.

>> Okay. Date of birth.

>> You know my birthday?

>> Sure.

>> Maymber

October 18th.

>> Occupation? Dinosaurs.

>> Actually, I'm a pale.

Dinosaurs is fine. [laughter]

The drawing is not.

Come on. I overslept. I was supposed to

be ON THE SET HALF AN HOUR AGO. I GOT TO

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> OH, WHAT? JOEY, you can't go like that.

You stink.

>> Look, I don't I fell asleep before I

could take a shower. Now I don't have

time. They're just 10 blocks away. If I

run, I can make it.

>> Yeah, run 10 blocks. That'll help THE

SMELL.

>> HEY, SLOW DOWN. NO, keep moving.

>> Hey. Hey.

>> Hey.

>> And this from the cry for health

department. Are you wearing makeup?

Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially

Joey Tribani, actor/mod.

Thank you.

>> That's so funny cuz I was thinking you

look more like Joey Tribani man/woman.

>> What were you modeling for?

>> Well, you know those posters for the

city free clinic?

>> Oh, wow. So, you're going to be one of

those healthy healthy healthy guys?

>> You know, the asthma guy's really cute.

>> Do you know which one you're going to

be? No, no, but I hear Lyme disease is

open, so you know.

>> Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Thanks.

>> Is that a blanket? A video camera? Oh my

god.

>> I can't believe you thought that YOU

WERE GOING TO VIDEOTAPE US HAVING SEX on

the first date.

[laughter]

Joey is what she just said. Um,

oh my god. God, look. You are actually

going to [laughter]

>> What is going on here?

>> And with Chandler in the next room. What

are you What are you sick?

[laughter]

>> I'm Joey.

I'm disgusting.

>> I make low-budget adult films.

[music] You guys promised you'd be more

careful. I mean, come on. The good Joey

name is being dragged through the mud

here.

>> We're so sorry.

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I'm telling everyone about you.

That's the only way to explain the

underwear and the video camera that

doesn't make me look like a pig. I don't

know. All right. There's got to be a

better explanation. You could tell them

that you had to make an adult film for

your adult film class.

[laughter]

>> Yeah, I like that. But no, no. How does

that explain why Rachel found my

underwear at your place?

>> I don't know. Well, get ready to come

out of the non-gay closet.

[laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> See, Joe, that's why your parents told

you not to jump on the bed.

[laughter]

>> Hey. Hey.

>> Oh, is it broken?

>> No. I'm going to wear this thing for a

couple of weeks.

>> Did you tell the doctor you did it

jumping up and down on your bed?

>> No. Had a whole story worked out, but

then uh Chandler sold me out.

>> Well, I'm sorry, Joe. I didn't think the

doctor was going to buy that. just fell

out of the socket.

>> Hi guys.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, what's in the bag?

>> Oh. Uh, well, you know how Emma started

crawling? I realized that this place is

very unsafe for a baby. So, I went to

the store and I got some stuff to baby

proof the apartment.

>> Oh god. Baby proofing. Why is this such

a big deal now? You know, when I was a

kid, it was like, "Whoops, Joey fell

down the stairs." Or, "Uh, whoops, Joey

electrocuted himself again.

>> [laughter]

>> Anyway, um, are you going to get a

handyman to install this stuff?

>> No, I was just going to do it myself.

[laughter]

>> You're going to do it?

>> Yeah. Why? You don't think a woman can

do this?

>> Well, women can't. You can't.

>> Monica, will you please tell Joey that

he is a pig?

>> You're a pig and you can't do this.

>> What? What? Come on. I found the

hardware store all by myself.

>> The hardware store is right down the

street.

>> There is a hardware store right down the

street.

[music]

>> Hi. So, you gave in and decided to call

someone?

>> Yeah. I don't know who I was kidding. I

can barely use chopsticks.

>> You're all set.

>> Oh, thank you so much. Oh. Oh, wait. You

uh forgot your um your game.

Thank you. [laughter]

>> [music]

[laughter]

>> Ra.

[laughter]

Rachel, [laughter]

[laughter]

so I can't do anything I like.

I did it. I can't.

All right.

I better take all I can carry.

[laughter]

Who knows when I'll be able to get in

here again, huh?

>> Ross, listen. You want anything to drink

cuz I'm heading up there.

>> Uh, yeah. I'll take a coffee. Thanks,

man. Sure. Coffee?

>> Yeah.

>> Coffee? Cuz I'm going up there.

>> Oh, no. Thank you. [laughter]

>> Do you guys need anything? Cuz I'm

heading up there.

I'd love a ice water.

>> You got it. [laughter]

>> Joey, what are you doing?

>> Just being friendly.

>> Joey, honey, I don't think you're

supposed to go back there.

>> No, no, it's okay. Right, Gunther?

>> Don't wink at me.

>> Put on your apron. [laughter]

>> Okay. I don't see you asking any other

paying customers to put on aprons.

[laughter]

>> Joey, do you work here?

>> No.

>> Waiter.

>> Yeah.

>> Joey, what's going on? Why didn't you

tell us you work here?

>> Well, that

that's kind of embarrassing, you know? I

mean, I was an actor. Now I'm a waiter

supposed to go in the other direction.

So's your apron. You're wearing it like

a cape.

>> I mean, the job's easy and the money's

good, you know, and I guess if I'm going

to be hanging out here anyway, I might

as well get paid for it, right? Just

feel kind of weird serving you guys, you

know?

>> Joey, come on. I did it and it was fine.

>> Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey.

Uh, can I get some coffee?

>> Okay, I guess it doesn't seem that

weird.

>> Seriously, I I asked you before. You

still haven't gotten it.

>> Now it's weird again.

>> I think it's great that you work here.

You're going to make a lot of money. And

here is your first tip.

Don't eat yellow snow. [laughter]

215 coffee house.

>> What are you working on?

>> Oh, it's a uh it's a welcome home sign

for the baby.

>> How sweet. Oh, is that the baby?

>> No, I sat in a paint.

Hey, so did you talk to Rachel?

>> No. And uh I'm not going to.

>> What?

>> Why not? Because she's just going to

shoot me down. You guys saw what

happened with Gunther. That did not look

like fun.

>> How can you compare yourself to Gunther?

I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more

obvious way. [laughter] But

you have a relationship with her. You

slept together last night.

>> Yeah. And she still wants to go. It's

pretty clear where she is. Yeah, I know

what you mean. I mean, sometimes.

>> Uh, Joe.

>> Damn it.

>> Hey.

>> Hey. How's it going? Did you make any

new friends?

>> Yeah. Yeah. I met this woman.

>> Hey, Mom. Whoa. What's she like?

>> Uh, well, she's really good in bed.

>> I thought you going to try to be friends

first.

>> Well, look. Hey, it's all your fault.

>> What? Why?

>> Because you didn't give me advice. No,

you gave me a pickup line. As soon as I

told her I wanted to, you know, build a

foundation and be friends first, I

suddenly, through no fault of my own,

became irresistible to her

and a roommate.

[laughter]

>> What about the closeness?

>> Closeness? There was three of us for

crying out loud.

>> What just happened?

>> I am so so sorry. I was going to do it

really. But then I was standing there

with $327 in one hand and $238 in the

other hand. And I was thinking, "Wow,

it's been a long time since I had

327 plus $238."

>> Joey, we had a deal that that's why

you're here. I've got to fire you.

>> And I got to pay rent.

Look,

how how about this? You don't fire me.

Instead, I stay here. I gain their trust

and then they'll start listening to all

the nice things I've been saying about

you.

>> Kind of things you've been saying.

>> Well, nothing yet. They really hate you

and I want to fit in.

>> Agent has just gotten me a job in the

new Alpuccino movie.

>> I love the part.

>> Can you believe this? Al Pacino. This

guy's the reason I became an actor. I'm

out of order. P. You're out of order.

This whole courtroom's out of order.

>> [laughter]

>> Seriously, what? What's the part?

>> Just when I thought I was out, they pull

me back in. [laughter] Come on.

Seriously, Joey, what's the part? Uh,

>> you're you're his what? [laughter]

>> I'm his butt double. Okay.

[laughter] I play Al Puccini's butt.

All right. He goes into the shower and

then I'm his butt. [laughter]

>> Oh my god.

>> Come on, you guys. This is a real movie

and Alpuccino's in it. And that's big.

>> Oh, no. It's terrific. It's It's You

know, you deserve this. After all your

years of struggling, you've finally been

able to crack your way into [laughter]

Listen, I just want to thank you for

this great opportunity.

>> Lose the rope

with me. That would work,

>> right? Okay. Losing the robe.

>> Okay. And the robe is lost.

>> Okay, everybody. I would like to get

this in one take, please. Let's roll it.

Water's working.

And action.

And cut. Hey, butt guy. What the hell

you doing?

[laughter]

>> I'm I'm chowing.

>> No, that was clenching.

Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset

here, you know? I mean, his wife's dead,

his brother's missing. I think his butt

would be angry here.

I think his butt would like to get the

shot before lunch. [laughter] Once

again, rolling. Water working.

And action.

And cut. What was that?

I was going for quiet desperation,

>> but if you have to ask.

Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Hey. Wait a minute. Aren't you the guy

who plays the butt in the new Alpuccino

movie?

[laughter]

>> Nope.

>> No. What happened, big guy?

>> Big guy?

>> It felt like a big guy moment.

>> I got fired.

>> Oh,

>> yeah. They said I acted too much with

it.

>> Hey Ra, how you doing with the shiny?

>> Oh, Danny just went into room 217.

>> Ooh, the next part's the best when that

dead lady in the bathtub.

>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come

on. You're going to ruin it.

>> All right, I'll talk in code. Remember

when the kid sees those two blanks in

the hallway?

>> That's very cool.

>> All blank and no blank makes blank a

blank blank.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, no, no, no. The end when Jack almost

kills them all with that blank, but then

in the last second they get away.

>> Joey, I can't believe you just did that.

>> I can't believe she cracked your code.

>> All right. Okay. Lori proposes to Joe

and she says no, even though she's still

in love with him. And then he ends up

marrying Amy.

Hey, mine was by accident.

All right. The boiler explodes and

destroys the hotel and kills the dad.

>> Beth dies.

[cheering]

>> Beth [laughter]

Beth dies.

Is that true? If I keep reading, is Beth

going to die?

>> No. Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die.

Does she, Rachel?

>> What?

>> Joey's asking if you've just ruined the

first book he's ever loved that didn't

star Jack Nicholson.

>> Say, Joe, I had a strange idea for what

we could do for our last night. What do

you say we play a little uh foosball for

money?

>> Are you crazy? You haven't beaten me

once since my injury plague 97 season.

Be easier if you just give me your

money.

>> Yes, it would.

What do you say to $50?

>> Okay, you're on.

>> Yes,

>> I win again. That's like 500 bucks you

owe me. Woohoo.

$500. That is a lot of electricity.

Yeah.

I got to buy some food. [laughter]

>> Okay. Give me a chance to win my money

back. Okay. Sudden death. One goal.

$1,000.

>> You serious?

>> Oh, yes.

>> Okay. Get ready to owe me.

>> Okay. Okay. Here we go. Ready?

[music]

>> [laughter]

[music]

>> No, no, no, no, no,

>> no, no. One can beat me.

>> See, now that's why only the little fake

men are supposed to do the kicking.

>> [laughter]

>> We can play a new game. A new game. It's

fun.

>> Well, what's it called?

>> Cups.

>> I don't know how to play cup.

>> I'll teach you. Come on. Come on. It's

really easy. Really, really fun.

>> All right.

>> Okay. Here you go.

>> I have two queens. What do you have?

>> A two and a five.

>> You win $50. [laughter]

>> Really?

>> Oh, yeah. Okay, let's play again. Ready?

What do you got?

>> Four and a nine.

>> You're kidding, right?

[laughter]

>> No. Why?

>> Well, that's a full cup.

>> You win. Oh, what did you have? Well, it

doesn't matter. Nothing beats a three

and a six.

That, my friend, is decup.

>> Okay. Now, how much have you won so far?

Uh,

>> wow. 700.

>> Not 700 exactly. Yeah.

Double it.

>> Yes. See, in cups, once you get $700,

you have to double it. [laughter]

Hey, I didn't make up the rules.

Okay. So, now after you receive the

doubling bonus, you get uh one card.

Now, that one card could be worth $100,

which brings your total to $1,500. No,

no, don't get too excited because that's

not going to happen unless you get the

No way.

What's wrong?

>> Ross and I were helping the girls pack.

Took a little break. I lost $1,500 to

him at Cops. [laughter]

What? How did you lose at Cops? The same

way you lost. I start out with the king

and a queen. Bam. Ross gets a two and a

three. [laughter] Then I get a jack and

a king. Boom. Ross, it's a four and a

five. Maybe Ross was getting the the cup

card, the the D cup, the the sitting

down bonus. Meanwhile, I didn't even get

A HALF A CUP. NOTHING. [laughter]

>> OH, MAN.

>> Where's Chandler?

>> Uh, he can't make it. He said he had to

go back to his uh job and do uh Whoa.

[laughter]

>> Joey.

Joey. Tribani.

[laughter]

>> Joey, I can see you. Okay. You're hiding

behind the coats.

Close

[laughter]

one.

>> Is uh is Chandler around?

>> No. Um he met some girl at the coffee

house.

>> Yeah. Ginger or something?

>> No.

>> No. No. Uh are you sure it wasn't

something that sounded like ginger? Like

uh ginger?

No, it was Ginger. I remember because

when he told me I said the movie star.

>> Oh man, that's the girl I was hiding

from. When she finds out he's my

roommate, she's going to tell him what I

did.

>> Well, what did you do?

>> Oh. Oh. Oh, no. No. I can't

I can't tell you that. It's like the

most awful, horrible thing I've ever

done in my whole life.

>> You know what? Don't tell us. We'll just

wait till Trainer gets home because

it'll be more fun that way.

>> All right.

Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay,

Jinger and I had gone out a few times

and then this one weekend we went up to

her dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her

annoying little dog, Pepper. Well, that

night, I cooked this really romantic

dinner.

>> You gave her food poisoning.

>> I wish [laughter]

after dinner, me, her, and Pepper all

fell asleep in front of the fire. Well,

I woke up in the middle of the night and

I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I

picked up a log and threw it on.

Or at least what I thought was a log.

>> Oh my god, you threw pepper on the fire.

>> I wish.

[laughter]

See, I guess another thing I probably

should have told you about Ginger is

that she kind of has a uh

artificial leg.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh my god,

>> Joey. What did you do after you threw

her leg on the fire?

>> I ran.

>> Really? A purse?

>> It's not a purse. It's a shoulder bag.

>> Looks like a woman's purse.

>> No, Joey. Look, trust me. I'm telling

all the men are carrying them in the

spring catalog. Okay.

>> See, look. Men carrying the bag.

>> See? Look. Women carrying the bag.

>> But it is odd how a woman's purse looks

so good on me. A man.

>> Exactly. Unisex.

>> Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple

days ago.

Oh no, Joey. You and I sex.

>> Well, I ain't going to say no to that.

[laughter]

>> Hey. Hey.

>> Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs.

Tribani.

>> What are you referring to? my man's bag.

[laughter]

At first, I thought it just looked good,

but it's practical, too. Check it out.

It's got compartments for all your

stuff. Your wallet, your keys, your

address book, your makeup.

[laughter]

>> Joey, what are you doing with the bag?

Your audition's not till tomorrow.

>> Yeah, but sandwich time is right now.

>> Joey, you know, you get any mustard on

that bag, you can't return it.

>> Why would I return this? I love this

bag.

>> All right. Well, then you owe me $350.

Fine. Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card,

>> Joey?

>> All right, relax. Look, I'll pay you

with the money from the acting job I am

definitely going to get thanks to you.

>> What's the part? Auntie Mame. [laughter]

>> Don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

>> You and I sexy.

>> Hey, I'm off to my audition. How do I

look?

I think you look great, Joey. That bag

is going to get you that part.

>> And a date with a man. [laughter]

>> You know what? Make fun all you want.

This is a great bag, okay? And it's as

handy as it is becoming.

Now, just because you don't understand

something doesn't make it wrong. All

right? So, from now on, you guys are

going to have to get used to the fact

that Joey comes with a bag.

>> Ready, Joey?

[clears throat] Well, you must be new

here. Maybe we get a table. I'd buy you

a drink.

>> I'm sorry. Could you Could you try it

without the purse?

[laughter]

>> Yeah, sure.

[snorts]

[clears throat]

>> Well, you must be new here. Maybe we

sit. I'm sorry. Can I ask you something?

>> Sure. What?

>> Well, first, it's not a purse.

Okay. Anytime. I mean, if if you're

thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not.

It's a man's bag. [laughter]

Okay. And go.

I Let me show you the catalog.

Look. See? Huh? It's the latest thing.

Everyone's got one. Men, women,

children, everyone's carrying them. Um,

do you sell these bags?

>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no. These babies

sell themselves.

Okay. Thank you. That was great.

>> Yeah, but I didn't even read anything.

>> I think we've seen enough.

>> Okay. All right. I'll see it. We got it.

We got it.

>> Yeah. So, you going to call this one

back?

>> No.

>> But what are you talking about? Sarah's

great.

>> Oh, really? You want to know what your

great friend did?

>> We were out to dinner. Okay. We were

getting along, having a really nice

time. I was thinking she was really

cool. And then out of nowhere.

[music]

[laughter]

[music]

That's it. That That's why you won't go

out with her again. So, she took some

fries. Big deal.

>> Hey. Hey, look. It's not about a few

fries. It's about what the fries

represent.

>> What?

>> All food.

>> Well, I'm I'm sorry. I I I can't believe

I set you up with such a monster.

>> Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. [laughter]

Look, I take a girl out, she can order

whatever she wants. The more the better.

All right. Just don't order a garden

salad and then eat my food.

That's a good way to lose some fingers.

Oh, thank god you're here. Listen to

this.

>> So Joey and my friend are out last

night. They're having dinner and she

reaches over and takes a few of his

fries.

>> Oh, no.

>> What?

You you know about the the the plate

thing?

>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, Joey doesn't share

food. I mean, just just last week, we

were having breakfast and and he had a

couple of grapes on his plate.

>> You wouldn't let her have a grape?

>> Oh, no. Not me, Emma.

JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD.

[laughter]

>> WELL, I still think that is a stupid

reason not to call someone again. You

are calling her. Okay. And if if you

need to, then just get an extra plate of

fries for the table.

I like that. A sharing buffer. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll order some extra fries, maybe

a plate of onion rings. Yeah. Yeah. And

a shrimp cocktail.

>> But I I I can't stay too long. I got to

get up early for a commercial audition

tomorrow and I got to look good.

Supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.

[laughter]

>> What? So, when you said get up early,

did you mean 1986?

>> You guys don't think I look 19?

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, 19. We thought you said 90.

[laughter]

>> Okay, everybody, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

>> OKAY.

[laughter]

[laughter]

>> SUP. [laughter]

What's up, dude? [laughter]

>> Take whatever you want. Just please

don't hurt me.

>> It's like playing a little PlayStation,

huh?

That's whack. [laughter]

PlayStation

is whack. [laughter]

Sup with the whack PlayStation sump.

[laughter]

Huh?

Come on. Am I 19 or what? [laughter]

>> Yes. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being

the dumbest a person can look, you are

definitely 19.

>> Come on, man. Really? How old?

>> Young. You're a manchild. Okay. Now, go

get changed because everybody's ready.

And please Oh, please keep my underwear.

>> Oh, thanks.

>> Okay, [laughter]

now I can pass for 19, right?

>> Yes, you can pass for 19.

>> Really?

>> Yes. Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?

No. Okay. You can play your own age,

which is 31.

[laughter]

I'm 30.

>> Joey, you are not. You're 31.

>> Oh crap.

Hey. Hey.

So, what happened? Did a forest tick you

off?

>> No. You know how we're always saying we

need a place for the mail?

[laughter]

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I started building one, but then I

decided to take it to the next step.

>> You're building a post office?

>> No, an entertainment unit with a mail

cubby built right in. It's a one day

job, Max.

>> Okay.

My word, those are snug.

Oh yeah, this is my old work pants.

Sergio Valente.

[laughter]

>> Power saw kind of got away from me

there. [laughter]

Oh, sorry. Did I get you?

>> No, you didn't get me. It's an electric

drill. You get me, you kill me.

[laughter]

>> Calm down. Do you want this unit or not?

>> I do not want this unit.

>> Oh, you should have told me that before.

Not a mind reader. [laughter]

>> Hey, we're out of beer. Okay, I'm going

to Monica.

>> Fine.

You seen Joey?

>> What's the matter?

>> Oh, just this.

>> You know what? It's my fault, really,

because the couch is where we usually

keep the varnish.

>> Hey, somebody want to hand me one of

those tiles?

>> What's going on?

>> He's retiling my floor.

You spackle boy,

>> get up. Ah,

>> now you started this. You will finish

it.

>> He started mine first.

>> Build the unit, Cinderelli. Lay the

tile, Cinderelli.

[laughter]

>> Okay, on three. One, two. Why don't we

just go on two?

>> Why two? Because it's faster. Yo, I

could have counted to three like four

times without all this two talk. All

right. But in THE FUTURE,

>> OKAY, HEAVY THING NOT getting lighter.

>> Okay.

>> One, two.

>> So, we are going with two.

>> All right.

[laughter]

>> Well, good job, Joe.

[laughter]

>> Wow.

It's big.

Yeah. Yeah. So big that it actually

makes our doors look smaller.

Maybe my ruler's wrong.

>> Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

Look,

>> it's not that bad. So what? It blocks a

little of your door, a little of my

door.

>> Yeah. You know what? I got a better

idea. How How about it blocks none of my

door and a lot of your door?

[laughter]

Listen, before I forget, that side is

still wet.

>> You know what?

Bet you I could fit in there.

I get five bucks as you can

>> get out your checkbook, mister.

>> Well, I think I have the cash.

[laughter]

>> You are dog, man.

>> I totally fit.

>> Yeah, you got me. I'm at five big ones.

>> [laughter]

>> There you go.

>> Thank you. Cha-ching.

>> Oh, well, hello, Mr. Lincoln. [laughter]

Better luck next time, buddy.

And the drinks are on me.

>> What am I sitting on?

>> Top of the world. Dock of the Bay.

[laughter]

I'm out.

Oh, wings. Oh,

>> all right. Who's are they?

>> Who's are they?

>> Not mine.

>> Well, they're Joey's. They got to be

Joey's.

[laughter]

>> Yeah, they're mine.

>> See? Joy's. They're Joey. Joy's.

>> Why are they here?

>> I don't know. Uh,

I'm Joey.

Yeah, I'm disgusting. I take my

underwear off in other people's homes.

>> Well, get him out of here. What's wrong

with you?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Take them.

>> Joey, you can touch them. They're your

underwear.

>> Chandler, a word.

THAT'S IT. I'm tired of covering for you

two. This has got to stop.

>> So, is she around?

>> Uh, no. She's at dance class.

>> Can I check out what she did with my

room?

>> Yeah, but hey, look, don't go through

her stuff. She gets really mad.

>> Oh my god. What is It's like a guy never

lived in here.

Look, you got to be careful. This girl

thing is dangerous. It's spreading

already.

>> It is.

>> Yeah. Is this your pretty pink pillow on

the couch? [laughter]

>> No.

>> Is that your tiny little box that's TOO

SMALL TO PUT anything in?

>> No.

>> No. Okay. This is not good. You are a

guy. Okay. This is a guy's place. If you

let this go, you're going to be sitting

around with your fingers soaking and

stuff.

>> All right. All right. You're right. I

I'll TALK TO HER.

>> YES. TALK TO HER. BE A MAN. I'M A MAN.

>> DEFEND YOURSELF. H [laughter]

>> Taylor, come on. We have to h the new

dust riffle.

>> Be right there, sweets. [laughter]

Totally different situation.

[music]

[laughter]

>> Hey, Joey.

>> Hey. Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

There's a kid in this picture. Do you uh

you know this kid? Is that like a

relative or something? [laughter]

No, I just thought it was cute.

>> Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Okay.

Uh,

look, Janine, I really want you to feel

at home here. But some of this new

stuff, it's just it's too girly.

>> Oh, like what?

>> Uh, like this pictures of cute babies.

We don't know.

We can't have that,

>> Joey. It's an Giddy. She's a famous

artist.

>> Look, I don't know this baby. I don't

know if she's a famous artist or not,

you know, and I don't want to be a jerk,

but you you're changing too much around

here.

>> I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try and

make the place a little nicer.

>> Yeah, but it's it's too much stuff, you

know? Like you got the candles and the

the foofy schmoer thing here. And over

here you got a picture of a watering

can. [laughter]

>> Well, I just thought

>> I'm sure it's a famous watering can.

Okay, but come on. And what is with the

really hot stick in the bathroom?

>> It's a curling iron.

[laughter]

>> Well, that's okay then. But okay, my

towels for instance. Okay, I come in the

bathroom here and my towel is not on the

floor where I keep it.

>> It's up here on some hook and smells

different.

>> It's clean. Yeah, but it it feels

different.

>> It's dry. [laughter]

>> All right, I can make my piece with the

clean, dry towels. And okay, also, what

is with these chips you bought? I don't

>> No, no, no, no. It's po puri. You're

supposed to smell it.

[laughter]

>> Well, that's like summer in a bowl.

So, what's really neat is if you sear

the stems of the flowers first in a

frying pan, your arrangement will look

fresh much longer. [laughter]

>> Joey, that is such a great tip.

>> Monica, could you excuse us for a

second? I need to talk to the girl with

the flowers. [laughter]

>> Okay. Oh, Joey, come over later cuz I'm

going to teach you how to make a bird

feeder out of just a pine cone and some

peanut butter. A

>> I love birds.

>> [laughter]

>> WHAT IS THE MATTER with you?

>> WHAT?

>> YOU'RE ARRANGING FLOWERS. [laughter]

>> You get You GET YOU GOT DEAD FLOWERS.

YOU GOT A YOU GOT A PICTURE OF A BABY

DRESSED LIKE FLOWERS. [laughter]

>> This is not Joey.

>> Hey. Hey, look. I am still Joey. Okay.

Flowers. They're just, you know, they're

nice to look at. And that happens to be

a picture by a famous artist of a famous

baby.

[laughter]

>> You're turning into a woman.

No, I'm not. Why would you say that?

That's just mean.

>> Now I've upset you. What did I say?

>> Not what you said. It's just the way you

said it. [laughter]

>> Oh my god,

>> I'm a woman.

>> I'm glad you're back. I really need your

help.

>> Oh, why? What's up?

>> Well, I have an audition for this play

and for some of it, I have to speak

French, which according to my resume,

I'm fluent in.

>> Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.

Yeah, you really shouldn't. And by the

way, how was that year-long dig in

Cairo?

>> It was okay.

>> I did not know you spoke French.

Sure.

>> Seriously, stop it. I'm going to jump on

you. [laughter]

>> All right. Well, it seems pretty [music]

simple. Your first line is my name is

Claude. So, just repeat after me.

>> Clude the plow.

[laughter]

>> Let's just Let's try it again. Okay.

two. [laughter]

>> Huh? It's not quite what I'm saying.

[laughter]

>> Really? Sounds exactly the same to me.

>> It does. Really?

>> Yeah.

>> All right. Well, let's just try it

again. Really? Listen.

>> Got it.

>> Mel

fle. [laughter]

>> Oh, the foof.

Jim Claude

>> should call blue.

>> No.

>> Okay, maybe if we just break it down.

>> Okay, let's just let's try it one

syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat

after me.

>> M

>> pel.

>> Great. Okay, faster. Jm

>> peloo.

>> [laughter]

>> It's too hard. I can't teach you.

>> What are you doing?

>> I I have to go before I put your head

through a wall.

>> No, don't go. I need you. My audition is

tomorrow.

>> I'll count from one to five.

>> Blue blah flu flank.

Good job.

>> Thank you.

>> Hey, Joey.

>> Listen, I feel really badly about

yesterday and I thought about it a lot.

No, I was too impatient. So, let's try

it again.

>> Oh, no. That's okay. I don't I don't

need your help. I worked on it myself

and I got to say I am pretty good.

>> Really? Can I hear some of it?

>> Sure. Sure.

>> Okay. [clears throat]

blah bl [laughter]

you're not

you're not you're again you're you're

not speaking French.

>> Oh well I think I am. Yeah. And I think

I'm definitely going to get the part.

>> How could you possibly think that?

>> For one thing. THE GUY ON THE TAPE SAID

I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB.

Whenever you're ready, Joey, right?

[clears throat]

[laughter]

>> I'm sorry. What's going on, dude? Come

on. French it up.

Joey, do you speak French?

[laughter]

>> You know what? I think this audition is

over.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Rejene Fange.

[laughter]

Uh, I I was passing by when I heard this

man speaking the the regional dialect of

my French town of Estee Lauder.

>> You really think this man is speaking

French?

[laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> Good job, little buddy.

>> [laughter]

[applause]

>> That was some really good French, but I

think we're going to go with someone

else for the part.

>> Oh, yeah. All right. But my French was

good.

>> It was great.

>> Merci.

>> Yeah.

>> That's my car.

>> Really? Oh. Uh, but just give me five

more minutes with it.

[laughter]

>> What are you doing? Oh, well, I uh I

found the keys and now I'm just

polishing her up.

>> But it's my car.

>> Yeah, but it's my wax.

>> Listen, I don't come to this city much

and I don't know if you're crazy or if

this is some kind of street theater, but

[laughter]

could I have my keys?

>> Sure. Here.

>> I'll uh I'll save your parking spot.

>> Not coming back.

>> Why not?

>> I live upstate.

>> Yeah, so did I.

>> [laughter]

>> So, the Porsche guy took his car back.

[laughter]

>> But you found the keys to his clothes.

[laughter]

>> No, I just uh I just love the way it

feels when everybody thinks I own a

Porsche.

>> And people would think you own a Porsche

because you're wearing the clothes.

>> Of course,

only an idiot would wear this stuff if

you didn't have the car. [laughter]

That is true.

>> Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a

sonic blaster gun.

>> Oh, I've been there.

>> I am going to go drive my Porsche.

>> Joey, you know you don't actually have

one.

>> Come on. What are you doing? I'm in

character. Will you talk to her?

[laughter]

>> Hey, hey, hey, careful around my porch.

>> [laughter]

>> Hi, Joey.

>> Hey, how you doing?

>> He has the most amazing Porsche under

there.

>> I'd love to show you, but I just tucked

her in. She's sleeping. [laughter]

>> Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go

for a drink?

>> Joey Peponyi.

>> Oh, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I

should have a name that's more neutral.

Joey Switzerland.

Plus, you know, I think it should be

Joe. You know, Joey makes me sound like

I'm this big, which I'm not.

Joe. Joe. Joe. Stalin. [laughter]

Stalin.

Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds

familiar. Well, it does not ring a bell

with me.

Joe Stalin.

[laughter]

>> You know that's pretty good.

>> You might want to try Joseph.

[applause]

>> Joseph Stalin.

>> I think you'd remember that.

>> Oh yes. [laughter]

Bye-bye birdie starring Joseph Stalin.

Joseph Stalin is the fiddler on the

roof.

[laughter]

>> You know, there already is a Joseph

Stalin. [laughter]

[cheering]

>> You're kidding.

Apparently, he was this Russian dictator

who slaughtered all these people.

[laughter]

You'd think you would have known that.

You know, you'd think I would have.

>> Oh, Joey. Um, you look familiar. Are,

uh, are you on TV or something?

>> Well, Joey doesn't like to talk about

it, but he's one of the stars of Days of

Our Lives.

[laughter]

>> That's right. That's right. Don't you

play a woman? [laughter]

>> A woman in a man's body. [laughter]

Much better.

So, you know, Ross, it's funny cuz you

look familiar to me, too. Have you ever

been married? [laughter]

>> Well, yes. Yes, I have. In fact, um,

just the other day, Chris and I were

talking about how I've been married and

how I have a son.

>> Yeah, little Eric.

>> That's right. Wait, no, Ben.

[laughter]

>> So, you just been married the one time

then? [laughter]

Well, um,

>> you've been married twice.

>> Yes.

And

another time after that.

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Uh, hey Joey, have you ever been so

hungry on a date that when the girl goes

to the bathroom, you eat some of her

food?

[laughter]

You said the waiter ate my crab cake.

[laughter]

>> Yeah. So, uh, Ross, that now why did

that first marriage break up?

>> Hm. [laughter]

Was it because the woman was straight or

because she was a lesbian?

>> Hey, is this true that you write a lot

of your own lines?

>> Uh, well, kind of. Yeah.

>> Like remember last week when Alex was in

the accident? Well, the line in the

script was, "If we don't get this woman

to a hospital, she's going to die." But

I made it. If this woman doesn't get to

a hospital, she's not going to live.

[laughter]

>> Oh, okay. I see what you did there.

>> Aren't you afraid though that the

writers are going to be kind of mad when

they read this?

>> Huh? Never really thought about the

writers. The scripts just kind of come

to my house.

But you know what? This makes me look

good, which makes the show look good,

which makes the writers look good. So,

how could they be mad about that?

[laughter]

Makes up most of his lines. Son of a

Yeah, write this jerkwaited.

>> I fall down an elevator shaft. What the

hell does this mean? I fall down an

elevator shaft.

>> Uh, I don't know. I just bring the

scripts.

They can't kill me. I'm Franchesca's

longlost son.

>> Right,

>> Amber?

I want you to know that I'll always be

there for you as a friend and as your

brother.

>> Oh, Drake.

>> Huh? Where's the medical award?

>> Yeah, some guys are just lucky, I guess.

[laughter]

>> Dr. Ramore, report to first floor

emergency staff. All

right. Well, then uh

we uh guess that's me.

Anyone else need to go in the elevator?

Dr. Wong? Dr. Wong? No. No. They only

said you.

>> Oh, okay.

All right.

>> I love you, Drake.

>> Yeah, whatever.

[laughter]

>> OH, NO.

>> DRAKE, LOOK OUT. [screaming]

Did they just kill off Joey?

>> No.

>> Now, maybe.

>> All right, fine. You know what? We'll

both sit in the chair.

>> Fine with me.

[laughter]

>> I'm so comfortable.

>> Me, too.

>> In fact, I think I might be a little too

comfortable.

>> All right.

Okay, look. We have 19 minutes, okay?

Chandler, I want you to go and change,

okay? And then when you come back, Joey

will go change and he'll have vacated

the chair. Okay? Okay.

>> All right. Fine. I'm going. When I GET

BACK, IT'S CHAIR CITY AND I'M THE GUY

who's sitting in a chair.

All right. You will notice that I am

fully dressed. I in turn have noticed

that you are not. So in the words of aa

mil get out of my chair dealhole.

>> Okay.

[cheering]

[applause]

>> What are you doing?

>> Well, you said I had to give you the

chair. You didn't see anything about the

cushions.

>> The cushions are the essence of the

chair.

>> That's right. I'm taking the essence.

Oh, he'll be back. Oh, there's nobody in

the room.

>> Where's my underwear? Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Come on. Come on. What? You took

his underwear?

>> He took my essence.

>> Okay, hold on.

>> Joey, why why can't you just wear the

underwear you're wearing now?

>> Cuz I'm not wearing any underwear now.

>> Okay. Um, then why do you have to wear

underwear tonight?

>> It's a rented tux. Okay. Not going to go

commando in another man's fatigues.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> Well, then it looks like somebody's

going to have to give somebody back his

cushions.

>> Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm going to

do the exact opposite to you.

What are you What are you going to show

me my clothes? Hey, opposite

is opposite.

He's got nothing.

>> [applause]

>> Okay, buddy boy. Here it is.

You hide my clothes, I'm wearing

everything you own.

Oh my god,

[laughter]

that is so not the OPPOSITE OF TAKING

SOMEBODY'S UNDERWEAR.

Look at me. I'm Chandler. Could I be

wearing any more clothes?

>> [music]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
accidentally /ˌæksɪˈdentəli/ B2	adverb - in a way that is not planned or intended
appreciate /əˈpriːʃieɪt/ B1	verb - to recognize the full worth or quality of something
audition /ɔːˈdɪʃn/ B2	noun - an interview for a role or job as a singer, actor, or musician
comfortable /ˈkʌmftəbl/ A2	adjective - providing physical ease and relaxation
disgusting /dɪsˈɡʌstɪŋ/ B1	adjective - arousing revulsion or strong disapproval
embarrassing /ɪmˈbærəsɪŋ/ B1	adjective - causing someone to feel awkward or ashamed
explanation /ˌekspləˈneɪʃn/ A2	noun - a statement or account that makes something clear
horrible /ˈhɒrəbl/ A2	adjective - causing or likely to cause horror; shocking
irresistible /ˌɪrɪˈzɪstəbl/ C1	adjective - too attractive and tempting to be resisted
medieval /ˌmediˈiːvl/ C1	adjective - relating to the Middle Ages
occupation /ˌɒkjʊˈpeɪʃn/ B1	noun - a job or profession
paleontologist /ˌpæliɒnˈtɒlədʒɪst/ C2	noun - a scientist who studies fossils
propose /prəˈpəʊz/ B1	verb - to make an offer of marriage
reflex /ˈriːfleks/ B2	noun - an action performed without conscious thought
technically /ˈteknɪkli/ B2	adverb - according to the exact facts or precise meaning