– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Do you smell something?

Yeah. Smoke? Yeah, definite smoke.

Look, it's a fire.

Holy cow. Look at that. It's my father's

cabin. The cabin is on fire. Um, I just

realized you never gave me back the

change from the tolls.

[Laughter]

It kills me.

Have something else. Come on. Have a

little dessert. I'm good. Thanks.

Elaine, get something. It's all taken

care of. I'm kind of full. So, don't

finish it. She's full.

So, Big Daddy, I'm just curious. How

much did you clear on your little

transaction there? All told, I don't

like to discuss figures. How much?

I don't know what. 8,000. It's a

Hyundai. Get out.

I told you not to sell.

Simon's made money. Wilkinson cleaned

up. So Wilkinson's out of the hospital

now. No. You'd be surprised. You don't

recover that quickly from a nose job.

Oh god. Is that still from those cats?

No.

I just got a cold. So, whatever happened

with that? I gave him an ultimatum.

He chose the cats. They're very clean

animals. I got to say that's pretty bad

losing out to a cat. Almost as bad as

losing out to a perfume.

Told you those trips are relationship

killers.

Too bad you can't get your buddy

Superman to fly around the earth at

super speed and reverse time. Get all

the money back. Could have avoided the

whole trip to Vermont. Superman can go

back in time. We went over that.

Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.

Petraco Corporation out of uh

Springfield. I think

they're about to introduce some sort of

a robot butcher.

A robot butcher.

You want to get in

very little time,

sweetheart.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That ought to

cover it.

Just a second. Just let me speak.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

[Music]

This is huge.

When did this happen? Wednesday.

This jacket has completely changed my

life. When I leave the house in this,

it's with a whole different confidence.

Like tonight, I might have been a little

nervous, but inside this jacket, I am

composed, grounded, secure that I can

meet any social challenge. Can I say one

thing to you? And I say this with an

unblenmished record of staunch

heterosexuality. Absolutely.

It's fabulous.

I know. And I'll tell you something

else. I'm not even going to ask you. I

want to know, but I'm not going to ask.

You'll tell me when you feel

comfortable.

So, what was it? 400.

500? Did you pay 500 for this? Over six.

Can't be seven. Don't Don't tell me you

paid $700 for this jacket. Did you pay

$700 for this jacket? Is that what

you're saying to me? You are sick. Is

that what you paid for this jacket?

Over $700.

What did you pay for this jacket? I

won't say anything. I want to know what

you paid for this jacket. Oh my god.

$1,000. You paid $1,000 for this jacket.

All right. I'm walking out of here right

now thinking you paid $1,000 for this

jacket unless you tell me different.

All right, I'll tell you what. If you

don't say anything in the next 5

seconds, it was over a thousand.

[Music]

Hey, where's Kramer? I don't know.

That's like asking where's Waldo.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I don't think that's it. I'm not

kidding. What does that mean?

I think what he's trying to say is that

he's having a heart attack. Oh, he's

having a heart attack. Tightness. Come

on. Shortness of breath. Oh, this is

ridiculous. Radiating waves of pain. I

know what this is. You saw that show on

PBS last night. Coronary Country.

I saw it in the TV guide. I called him.

told him to make sure and not watch it.

There was nothing else on

the left arm. Left arm. You saw that

show on anorexia last year. Ate like an

animal for two weeks. Why can't I have a

heart attack? I'm allowed. So, what do

you want? You want me to take you to the

hospital? Manhattan Memorial. Nice of a

line. I'll call in.

Is everything all right?

Just take a check.

You made a mistake on the toy.

Hey, I got news for you. If we're making

this movie, we got to get a table

immediately. All right, look it. Let's

stop fooling around. Let's just slip him

some money in a Chinese restaurant. Do

they take money?

Do they take money? Everyone takes

money. I used to go out with a guy who

did it all the time. You just slip him

20 bucks. 20 bucks?

Isn't that excessive? Well, what do you

want to give him? Change?

It's more than the meal. Oh, come on.

We'll divide it up three ways. All

right. 7 76.

I'm not going to eat that much. I'm

counting your shrimps.

Great. But

I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.

What's wrong? What did I do? No,

nothing. It It's not you. It's me. I I

have a fear of commitment.

I don't know how to love. You hate my

earrings, don't you? No. No. And you

didn't comment on the chopsticks. I love

the chopsticks. I I personally prefer a

fork, but they look very nice.

You're not telling me the truth. I must

have done something.

I have a fear of intimacy. I don't give

me cliches. I have a right to know. What

did I do wrong? Nothing. It's not you. I

want the truth. The truth? You want the

truth?

It is your earrings. It is your justice.

But it's so much more. You're

pretentious. You call everyone by their

full name. You called my door man Sammy

Samuel. But you didn't even say Samuel.

You went Samuel.

Papy a machete. What is Papy Amâché?

Keep going.

I I think I made my point.

I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

No, I asked for the truth. Thank you for

being so honest.

Can I uh can I walk you back to work? I

really prefer to go alone.

How much do I owe? Oh, please.

$4 is fine.

My whole life has been a complete waste

of time and there's so much more to go.

Now I know what I'm supposed to do. It

is so simple. Tell the truth. That's

all. Just tell the truth. So what

happened? You give him my tax papers.

What? My papers.

Oh, what? Oh, the papers. What happened?

You didn't give her the papers? No, I

did. So,

I broke up with her.

You what? I broke up with her. I'm being

audited. And you broke up with her? It's

okay. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure

she'll still do it. Why? Why would she

still do it? She hates you now. People

don't do you favors after you dump them?

No, no. We we left on good terms. How is

that possible? Because I uh I told her

the truth. Oh my god. Okay. It's unheard

of. She asked me to. So you lie. What

did you tell her? I told her that she

was pretentious. Pretentious?

No woman has my tax papers. You told her

she's pretentious. The IRS. They're like

the mafia. They can take anything they

want. How would you like it if someone

told you the truth? Like what? What

could they say? There are plenty of

things to say. Like what? I'm bald. What

is it specifically? Is Is there an odor

I'm not aware of?

What? Give me one. You sure? Yes.

Okay.

You're extremely

careful with money.

I'm what? Forget it. I'm cheap. You

think I'm cheap?

How could you say that to me? I can't

believe this. How could you say that to

me? You asked me to. You should have

lied. So should you. Okay, wait a

second. Wait a second. What happened to

my papers? I mean, I'm not really

working right now. I know. When I was

working, I spent, baby.

Yeah, I know. Champagne, limo, cigars.

What happened to the papers?

Do I really have to buy her something?

Hey, the woman got your job. Least you

could do was buy her a gift.

How about this? What is that? Cashmere.

Yeah, she loves cashmere. Who doesn't

like Kashmir? Find me one person in the

world that doesn't like Kashmir. It's

too expensive. Look at this. It's $85,

marked down from 600. Wow. Uh, excuse

me, miss. Yes. How come this sweater is

only $85? Oh, here. This is why. What? I

don't see anything. See this red dot?

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's damaged. Well, it's

not really damaged.

Wow. $85. Huh? Mhm. There's no exchanges

on this.

You think she'd care about the dot? It's

hard to say. I I don't even think she'd

notice it. Can you see it? Well, I can

see it. Yeah, but you know where it is.

Well, what do you want me to do? Not

look at it? Pretend you didn't know it

was there. Can you see it? It's hard for

me to pretend because I know where it

is. Well, just take an overview. Can't

you take an overview? You want me to

take an overview? Please. I see a very

cheap man holding a sweater trying to

get away with something. That's my

overview.

Oh, George, this is beautiful. Is this

cashmere? Of course, it's cashmere. Oh,

I love cashmere. Who doesn't? God,

George, this must have cost a fortune.

Ah, money.

God, Jerry, how could you let him spend

so much money? I tried to stop him.

I couldn't. He just wants to make people

happy.

God, George, this is one of the nicest

things anyone has ever given me. Ah,

good. Good. Listen, take it off. You

know, you're going to wear it out

already. It's for special occasions,

this thing.

What's that red dot on your sweater?

[Applause]

What? Yeah. Listen, take it off. Yeah,

I'm getting hot just looking at it. What

is this? It's like a red dot. What? What

red dot? What are you What are you

talking about? Jerry, come here for a

second. Do Do you see anything here?

Uh, I don't know.

I I don't know.

What don't you know? I don't know.

Well, do you see it or don't you?

Uh, say that again.

Do you see it or don't you? Do I see it

or don't I? That's the question.

Now, what did you ask me again? George,

come on up. Hey,

let me ask you something. Did George buy

that sweater knowing the red dot was on

it because it was cheaper?

Okay, you just gave me the answer. No, I

didn't.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your

expression. I didn't have an expression.

I have a deviated septum. I have to

I have to open my mouth sometimes to

breathe. Uh-huh. How much did he save?

Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask

such a question of me that you would

think if I was The only surprise was how

you could even think of that. That's

what you were seeing.

I have to talk to Elaine's in the

bathroom. She's wise to the whole red

dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of

questions about it.

Did you tell her anything? No. You

swear? I'm not swearing. I don't want to

swear. Come on. I swear. Oh, you told

her, didn't you? Hey, George.

Did you buy that sweater knowing the red

dot was on it because you could get it

at a discount?

What?

Did I What? You did, didn't you?

Elaine, I'm I'm shocked. I'm shocked.

Here I go out in the spirit of the

season and spend all my savings to buy

you the most beautiful Christmas sweater

I have ever seen to show my appreciation

to you and Christmas. And this is the

thanks I get at Christmas.

Well, Jerry told me that you did. You

told her? How could you tell her? I just

squealled on me. What kind of a friend

are you? I didn't tell you a stupid

idiot. She tricked you.

[Applause]

Elaine, you don't understand.

I had 103 temperature when I bought that

sweater.

I was so dizzy. I was seeing red dots

everywhere. I I thought everything in

the store had a red dot on it. I I

couldn't distinguish one red dot from

the other.

I couldn't afford anything. I have

nothing. I I haven't worked for a really

long time. I I I mean, look, I I I have

no clothes. Look at what I'm wearing. It

was just a little red dot. A little red

dot.

Got him. Beautiful. Hey, you know what

else is playing here? Huh? Relle. Relle.

I wouldn't mind seeing that. Yeah. You

know, men can sit through the most

pointless, boring movie if there's even

the slightest possibility that a woman

will take her top off.

So, what's your point?

Oh, by the way, you uh you owe me 750.

Oh, all right. Can you break a 20? No, I

don't I don't have any change. Oh, well,

then I'll pay you later. Or I could take

the 20 and I could I could pay you

later. Yeah, you could. Might be easier.

Well, how's that easier? I mean, then

you would owe me 1250 instead of me

owing you 750.

Either way. Yeah, it's the same thing.

So, can I have it?

I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn

and the soda.

What do you mean you'll get the popcorn

and the soda? I will buy your popcorn

and soda and we'll call it even. I'll

tell you what. Give me the 20. I'll buy

you a popcorn and a soda and I'll throw

in a bon bon. George, you're sapping my

strength.

[Music]

I feel great for 85. You know, the

average lifespan for an American male is

like 72.

You're really kind of pushing the

envelope there.

I'm not afraid to die. I never think

about it. You don't? Well, I think about

it a lot. I think about it at my age.

Imagine how much I'll be thinking about

it at your age. All I do is just keep

thinking about it till it drives me

insane. I'm grateful for every moment I

have. Grateful.

How can you be grateful when you're so

close to the end?

When you know that any second, poof,

bam, oh, it could all be over. I mean,

you're not stupid. You can read the

handwriting on the wall. It's a matter

of simple arithmetic. For God's sake, I

guess I just don't care. What are you

talking about?

How can you sit there and look me in the

eye and tell me that you're not worried?

Don't you have any sense? Don't you have

a brain? Are you so completely scenile

you don't even know what you're talking

about?

Wait a second. Where are you going?

Life's too short to waste on you.

Please get out of my way.

But but Mr. Kwell, you you owe me for

the soup.

I know what the problem is. I like her

too much. That's why I can't make a

move. You put her on a pedestal. I put

them on a dental chair.

He puts him on a dental chair. I'm not

her boyfriend. I want to be her

boyfriend.

It's like a son in here.

It's funny. You're funny. I never heard

that before.

So, you going to the funeral? Well, you

think I should? What? Are you kidding?

It's a golden opportunity to advance the

relationship. She's crying. You put your

arm around her and console her. You're

the consolation guy. I'm the consolation

guy. Consolation guy is big.

Her aunt dying is the best thing that

ever happened to you. It's like 10 dates

in one shot.

This confers upon you instant boyfriend

status. The family's there. You're

taking care of things. You're getting

the sandwiches. You're the rock. It's in

Detroit, though. It's an expensive

flight. Why don't you get a death in the

family fair?

Well,

you go to the airlines, you tell them

that you have a death in the family,

they give you 50% off the fair. Really?

In fact, listen, I'll go down there with

you. You know, we'll tell them there's a

death in my family. You buy the ticket.

I'll split it. All right. Then I'll get

the bonus miles and you'll get the

Detroit for a quarter of the price.

You see my friend here, his his aunt

passed away last night. Oh, I'm very

sorry. I saw her last week. She looked

healthy and peaceful, but

she knew. You poor thing. I You don't

think you could buy the ticket yourself?

Oh, no. No. Okay. I could. No. Please.

There. There. There. There. You You sit.

I'll I'll purchase the ticket for you.

You're a good friend.

I understand you offer a 50% off

bereavement fair. Yes. All you have to

do is pay the full fair now, then return

to any one of our counters with a copy

of the death certificate and we'll

refund half your fair

death certificate. Yes. Yes, we do need

documentation or you know people could

take advantage.

What kind of a sick person would do a

thing like that? I know but it happens.

You want my friend to ask his uncle, a

man who just lost his wife of 44 years,

for a death certificate so that he could

save a few bucks on a flight. That would

be $387

round trip. All right. So, you'll need

my uh frequent flyer number. Yes.

[Music]

All right, sir. Now, all I need is a

death certificate and you'll be on your

way.

Well, you see what happened was um

the doctor, the very same doctor that

was attending my late aunt suffered an

untimely stroke and uh lost the use of

his right hand. So, obviously, I was

unable to get the death certificate. Um,

however, I I do have this.

What's this? That's a picture of me next

to the coffin.

This is our best model, the Cougar 9000.

It's the Rollsroyce of wheelchairs.

This is like you're almost glad to be

handicapped.

[Applause]

So now, uh, what what's what's this guy?

Inductive joystick, dynamic braking,

flip up arms. It's fully loaded. I put

Steven Hawking in one of these two

months ago. He's loving it. It's rated

number one by Hospital Supply and

Prosthetic magazine. How much? 6,200.

Do you have something a little more

less expensive?

All right. This one's about 8 years old.

Not a scratch on it. It was owned by

some lady who only used it to go from

the bathroom to the kitchen to feed her

cats. But this will get you around. Oh,

sure. It just doesn't have any of the

frills of the cougar. Like what? For

example, your trema damping. Now, what's

that? It helps to control the direction

regardless of the operator's treasure.

Uh, well, is it all right if I try it?

Hop in.

Oh, yeah.

I tell you,

when I see someone enjoying themselves

like that, it reminds me of why I got

into this business in the first place.

How much?

How about $240?

We'll take it. Take it.

Drake gave her the TV. He gave her all

the gifts. He felt guilty. Well, she

can't keep it. It's not fair. That's our

TV. I know it is.

Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the

Drake. Hate the Drake.

Maybe the whole thing was a scam.

Anybody can just get engaged and get

presents and just keep them all. Maybe

they're on the way to Chicago tomorrow

and do the whole thing all over again.

They don't know anybody in Chicago.

Don't worry. They'll make friends fast

with that nice TV.

Hey. Hey. Guess what? The Drake broke

up. The Drake broke up. That's

fantastic. Now we get the TV back. Help

defay some of the cost of the

wheelchair. I don't know about def

fraying. Why? I'm not getting that TV.

What do you mean? The engagement's off.

We get the TV back. That's business.

The drakeette took it. She can't take

it. It's not hers. It's theirs. Once

there's no theirs, there's no hers. It

should be ours.

Well, she has it. I told you the Drake

was bad. I hate the Drake.

Maybe we should call her. She says she

doesn't want to see me again. Told me to

drop dead. Drop dead? Boy, even I never

heard that one. She's pretty rough. is

good. Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a

wheelchair. 240 bucks. Well, it was

slightly used. Used.

Hey, is it cold out? Really cold. Scary

cold. I don't know. What's your

definition of scary cold?

That

What is that?

What? When did you get that? This week.

My father got a deal from a friend of

his. It's Gortex.

You know about Gortex? You like saying

Gortex, don't you? Look at you. You

can't even turn around in that thing.

Look at this.

Hey, George. Can you fill us? Can you

All right. All right. Knock it off. Come

on. Let's go. Oh, listen. We should stop

off on the way and get a bottle of wine

or something. Yeah. What for? These

people invited us for dinner. We have to

bring something. Why?

Because it's rude otherwise.

You mean just going there because I'm

invited? That's rude? Yes. So, you're

telling me instead of them being happy

to see me, they're going to be upset

because I didn't bring anything. You see

what I'm saying? The fabric of society

is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.

You can't bring Pepsi.

Why not? Because we're adults.

You're telling me that wine is better

than Pepsi? No way. Wine is better than

Pepsi.

I tell you, George, I don't think we

want to walk in there and put a big

plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of

the table. I just don't like the idea

that anytime there's a dinner

invitation, there's this annoying little

chore that goes along with it. You know,

you're getting to be an annoying little

chore yourself.

Where's the heat in this car? Come on,

Lane. Warm me up. It's cold. A little

squeeze. Get off. Get off.

You're pretty comfortable up there, huh,

bubble boy? Oh, yeah. You wish you had

this coke. You know, I was just thinking

the four of us can't show up with just

one bottle of wine. There we go. What?

Why don't we get them a couch? We'll

rent you. We'll bring them a nice

sectional.

We should bring some cake. Will you stop

off at the bakery? All right. Why don't

you just get some ringings from the

liquor store?

Ringings? Hey, ringings are better than

anything you're going to get at a

bakery. Oh, I like ringings. George, you

can't show up at someone's house with

ringings and Pepsi. Hey, your lights are

on.

It's a funeral procession.

But I got news for you. I show up with

Ringings and Pepsi, I become the biggest

hit of the party. People be coming up to

me just between you and me. I'm really

excited about the Ringings and the

Pepsi.

Europeans with the Bojlet and the

Chardonnay.

Um,

is this the price thing? Yes. Yes.

Hello. Party's over.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

We're having an unadvertised sale

starting Friday. That suit will be half

price. So, you think you could uh put

the suit aside and hold it for me? Oh,

I'm afraid I couldn't do that. It

wouldn't be fair to the other customers.

Oh, yes, of course. And uh we have to be

fair.

It fits you perfectly. You think so?

What is this? Can't I leave this place

for a second?

Can I help you?

I'm buying the suit. No, no, no, no. Uh,

this suit is not for sale. Excuse me. Do

you work here?

No.

Then what the hell business is it of

yours? Look, I'm doing you a favor.

They're having an unadvertised sale.

This suit is going to be half price

starting Monday. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

This Monday? Yes. Yes. Now, take off

those pants. Actually, the unadvertised

sale starts on Friday. Friday. Thanks.

You know, honey, for an unadvertised

sale, you're doing a lot of yapping

about it.

[Music]

Where is it? Where is it?

Well, look at this. This doesn't belong

here. Someone has made a terrible

mistake.

You bastard.

You hid the suit. Hid? I have no idea

how this suit got misplaced.

Nevertheless, I do believe I shall

purchase it. I hope you rott in that

suit. Look, I'm going to get you for

this. I don't know how, but I am going

to get you. You are going to pay. Oh,

I'll pay half price.

Arrivi, my fellow 40 short.

Hey, you want to get some lunch? No. No,

but maybe you could bring me back

something. Sure. All right. What do you

want? Um h I don't know. A big salad.

What big salad? I'm going to the coffee

shop. But they have big salads. I've

never seen a big salad. They have big

salad. Is that what I asked for? The big

salad?

It's a big Hey, I'll get it. What's in

the big salad? Big lettuce. Big carrots.

Tomatoes like volleyball. All

right. Thank you. I got it. Oh, no. No.

I'd like to pay for mine. Oh, not Julie.

Julie, don't insult. You know what

difference does it make who pays for

lunch? It's totally meaningless. Okay.

Thanks, George. Here's your big salad to

go. Oh, thank you.

Hey.

Hey. Sorry we're late. Oh, it's no

problem. Here's your big salad. Thank

you, Julie. Oh, you're very welcome.

So, well, I guess I better get going.

Meet Mother Guggenheim. You sure you

don't want to go? No, you Guggenheim.

I'm not much of a Guggenheimr.

Sure, Joy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You You go.

Okay. I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Byebye.

Did you see what just happened?

Well, that all depends.

You happen to notice that Julie handed

the big salad to Elaine?

Yeah. So, well, she didn't buy the big

salad. I bought the big salad.

Is that a fact? Yes, it is. She just

took credit for my salad.

That's not right. No, it isn't. I mean,

I'm the one that bought it. Yes, you

did. Don't you think she should have

said something? She could have. Oh, I

know. Imagine her taking credit for your

big sal.

You know, you buy a big salad for

somebody, it would be nice if they knew

it. Obviously,

I like Julie. She's very personable.

Yeah, she's lovely.

That's great, Jo.

So, did you enjoy your lunch?

Yeah, it's a big salad. It's very good.

Actually, it was too big.

Why? Oh, no.

Cuz you know, she handed you the bag.

I could have handed you the bag, but she

happened to pick it up at the

restaurant. Even though Even though

what?

No, it's just

you thanked her. Even though

what what are you trying to say, George?

It's just that I was the one that

actually paid for the big salad. She

just happened to hand it to you. But

it's no big deal. You want the money for

the big salad?

Then what is your problem? There is no

problem.

Just a small miscommunication whereby

you thanked her instead of the person

actually responsible for purchasing the

big salad.

So George, I was talking to Elaine

before. We're just friends.

Yes. Well, anyway, she said something

that was kind of intriguing. H share.

Well, when I came over to the table, she

mentioned something about how she'd

better hurry up and leave or you'd make

her buy lunch to make up for the one

that you bought yesterday.

I'm not following that.

Well, my question is, how could Elaine

be under the impression that you bought

the big salad when I was the one that

handed it to her?

Well, she probably just assumed.

Did she?

Wait, wait a sec.

Are you suggesting that I went out of my

way to tell Elaine that even though you

handed her the big salad that it came

from me? That's what I'm suggesting.

Well, it was a big salad.

And what I would like to know is how

does a person who has virtually nothing

to do with a big salad claim

responsibility for that salad? and

accept the thank you under false

pretenses.

George, all I did was hand someone a

bag.

Well, well, well.

I'm not treating you to lunch anymore.

You had to tell Julie that I made a

special point of telling you that I

bought you the big salad, didn't you?

You know, if it was a regular salad, I

wouldn't have said anything. But you had

to have the big salad.

[Music]

[Laughter]

It is so nice to finally meet you. And

I'm sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.

Oh, no. No, not at all. No. I have

always felt that the most important

thing in the world is spending time with

family. Oh, are you and your family

close? Very close. Yes. Almost painfully

close. Mother, I I'm going to walk Nana

and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.

George, do you mind waiting just one

more minute? Why would I mind? I would

love to wait. Nana, nice to see you. Me,

me, me, me, nana.

Aunt Ph. It's always a pleasure. What a

pleasure. Hey, let's do this again real

soon. I had fun. Huh? Can I offer you

anything to eat? Oh, no, no, no. I'm

fine. Let me help you with these dishes.

Huh? Oh, no. George, you don't have to.

No, I know I don't have to. I want to.

George,

you are such a gentleman. I'd argue if I

could, Mrs. Henry.

Here we go. All right.

So, let me ask you a question about the

uh the tip. cup cuz I had a little thing

with the calzone guy there this week.

And I go to drop a buck in the tip jar

and just as I'm about to drop it in, he

looks the other way. So then as I'm

leaving, he gives me a look like,

"Thanks for nothing." You got no credit.

Exactly. It's like I'm throwing a buck

away. I mean, if they don't notice it,

what's the point? So you don't make a

habit of giving to the blind.

Not bills.

Number 49. You know, uh, my last name is

Castanza. That's Italian. So, uh, you

and I are kind of like countrymen.

Pisanos. 650. You change. Ah, yes. And I

always take care of my pyano. So, here's

a little something.

Hey. Hey. You steal my money? No. No.

No. You don't understand. I wasn't

trying to take it out. I know what you

tried to do. Now get out of here. Don't

come back here again ever. I break your

head over like a brother.

They're arranged in order of price. The

most expensive are in the front. Mhm.

To tell you the truth, they haven't

manufactured that one for a number of

years. Oh no, George. That's so ugly. We

don't want that. What's the difference?

You just read it and mail it right back.

Please don't ask me. Why don't they make

them anymore? Well, for one thing, the

glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot

of moisture to make them stick. So, let

me pick up some Elmer's.

All right.

You see what I do for you? All right.

All right. Let's get down here.

You really want to get out of this

thing? Yes. All right. I got two words

for you. Prennub.

Enough. What does that mean? Ask her to

sign a prenup.

What does that do? Because most women

when they're asked to sign a prenup are

so offended they back out of the

marriage.

They are

Elaine.

I wouldn't sign one.

Pray them. Of course.

Kramer, get out of here.

[Music]

Hi. Hi. Hey. I've been going over the

list. What about the Drake? You want to

invite him? Oh, got to invite the Drake.

Listen, um, there's something that's

been on my mind and we haven't really

talked about it, and it's it's kind of

important to me. What is it? Well, I I

put a lot of thought into this, and I

think that I would like you to sign a

prenuptual agreement.

a prenup.

Yeah.

What's so funny?

You don't have any money. I make more

money than you do.

[Laughter]

Yeah. Give me the papers. I'll sign

them.

[Applause]

[Music]

delivery from Medley stationers. A those

are the invitations. Just sign here.

Yeah.

Thank you. See you later. Oh, these are

so cheap. And don't forget tomorrow

we're going shopping for rings, so don't

make any plans. And this time we're not

skimping.

off.

He

So, she was just lying there. Yeah. I

wonder what happened. Oh, there's the

doctor.

Excuse me. Are you the husband? Well,

not yet. Uh, fiancé. Yes. Well, I'm

sorry.

She's gone.

What's up?

She expired.

Are you sure?

Yes, of course.

So,

she's dead.

Yes.

Huh?

Let me ask you, had she been exposed to

any kind of inexpensive

glue?

Why? We found traces of a certain toxic

adhesive commonly found in very

lowpriced envelopes.

Well, she was sending out our wedding

invitations.

That's probably what did it.

We were expecting about 200 people.

Well, Janet, uh, she'll be here any

minute. You've been hiding her from us.

You must really like her. Oh, Jerry, the

minute I saw this girl, we just clicked.

She's got such a nice face. Her eyes,

her mouth, nose. We know what a face

consists of.

I'm sorry I'm late. Terry Elaine, I give

you Janet. Nice to meet you. Hi. Hi. Do

we still have time to make the movie?

Oh, uh, yeah. We just can't go to the

supermarket to get some candy.

Something from What? See, you give and

you get. This is what I'm trying to

teach you. This holiday season, a

donation has been made in your name to

the Children's Alliance. Oh, that's

nice. I got him Yankee tickets. He got

me a piece of paper saying I've given

your gift to someone else. To a

children's charity. Don't you see how

wrong that is? Where's your Christmas

spirit? An eye for an eye. Do me a

favor. Don't give me anything this year.

I got to give Christmas presents to

everyone down at Krueger. Someone

pulling a Watley. A donation has been

made in your name to the human fund.

What is that? Made it up.

The human fund. Money for people. What

do you think?

It has a certain understated stupidity.

Yellow Josie Wales.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh,

Sandy, here is a little something for

you.

Oh,

thanks.

Love cigars incoming.

Now, Mr. Krueger, sir, merry Christmas.

Not if you could see our books. What is

this? The human fund.

Whatever. Exactly.

Merry Christmas. Nice cufflings, by the

way. Office Christmas gift. I tell you,

this human fund is a gold mine. That's

not a French cuff shirt, you know. I

know. I cut the button off and poked a

hole with a letter opener. Oh, that's

classy.

George, I got something for you. I'm

supposed to uh find a charity and throw

some of the company's money at it. They

all seem the same to me, so what's the

difference?

$20,000 made out to the human fund.

Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my

office again.

All right, I'm going home.

Soup. She didn't touch it.

Paco.

Hey, take a look at this.

$20,000 from Krueger. You're not keeping

this. Oh, no. Excuse me. I've been doing

a lot of thinking. This might be my

chance to start giving something back.

You want to give something back? Start

with the $20,000.

I'm serious. You're going to start your

own charity. I think I could be a

philanthropist. A kick-ass

philanthropist. I would have all this

money and and people would love me. Then

they would come to me and beg. And if I

felt like it, I would help them out. And

then they would owe me big time.

First thing I'm going to need is a

driver.

George, we've got a problem. There's a

memo here from accounting telling me

there's no such thing as the human fund.

Well, there could be,

but there isn't.

Well, I I could um I could give the

money back. Yeah, George, I don't get

it. If there's no human fund, those

donation cards were fake.

You better have a damn good reason why

you gave me a fake Christmas gift. Well,

sir, I I gave out the fake card because

um

I don't really celebrate Christmas. I um

I celebrate festivists.

Feminists. Festivis, sir. And uh I was

afraid that I would be persecuted for my

beliefs. They drove my family out of

Bayside, sir. Are you making all this

up, too? Oh, no, sir. Festivis is all

too real, and I could prove it if I have

to.

Yeah, you probably should.

Twix.

B5.

A come on.

[Applause]

Uh, excuse me. Do you have a change of a

dollar? No.

Could I uh could I trade you for another

dollar? Don't have one. Uh, excuse me.

When your uh when your wallet was open,

I I glanced inside and I couldn't help

but notice that you have several crisp

dollar bills. You're incorrect.

Perhaps you could look again, please.

I'm very hungry.

We had donuts earlier.

I guess everyone here enjoys giving the

old Scroogey, huh?

You're all doing a hell of a job.

What I would do with you.

I think the candy comes out over there.

People drop change down here, Jerry, and

they're too lazy to pick it up. Either

that or they've got a weird little

hangup about lying face down in filth.

Why don't you just go to the cashier?

The cashier is at lunch, which is where

I'd like to be. How much was under

there? I think something bit me.

I just need another nickel. Hey, Putty

thinks I should go for the CD player.

What do you think?

He's got a live one. He's just reeling

this big fish in. Hey, can I have my

dollar back? It's wrinkled. It's

worthless.

[Laughter]

Come on,

jump.

They just put out some more donuts. They

did. Last one.

walked by Bloomingdales the other day

and I saw that massage chair we want to

get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift. An

apartment warming gift? We got to give

presents to people for moving. It's

birthdays, Christmas. It's enough gifts.

I would like one month off. Kramer said

it's a perfect gift. That's what we're

getting them. I will buy it. You pay me

back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I

have a sixth sense. Cheapness is not a

sense.

Yeah.

Heat.

[Music]

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
cabin /ˈkæb.ɪn/ A1	noun - a small, simple house or shelter, often made of wood
smoke /smoʊk/ A1	noun - visible vapor that rises from a fire or from burning material verb - to emit smoke; to send up a cloud of smoke
fire /ˈfaɪər/ A1	noun - combustion that produces heat, light, and flame verb - to set something ablaze; to dismiss from a job
transaction /trænˈzæk.ʃən/ B1	noun - an act of buying or selling something; a business deal
ultimatum /ˌʌl.tɪˈmeɪ.təm/ C1	noun - a final demand whose refusal will result in retaliation or a break in relations
robot /ˈroʊ.bɑːt/ A2	noun - a machine capable of carrying out a complex series of actions automatically
butcher /ˈbʊtʃ.ɚ/ A2	noun - a person whose job is cutting up meat for sale verb - to cut up or kill something in a brutal way
jacket /ˈdʒæk.ɪt/ A1	noun - an outer garment, typically with sleeves, worn for warmth or fashion
confidence /ˈkɒn.fɪ.dəns/ B2	noun - a feeling of self‑assurance arising from one's abilities or qualities
heterosexuality /ˌhɛt.ər.oʊ.sɛkʃuˈæl.ɪ.ti/ C1	noun - sexual attraction to people of the opposite sex
charity /ˈtʃær.ɪ.ti/ A2	noun - the voluntary giving of help, often money, to those in need
philanthropist /fəˈlænθ.rə.pɪst/ C1	noun - a person who seeks to promote the welfare of others, especially by donating money
donation /doʊˈneɪ.ʃən/ B1	noun - something, especially money, that is given to a cause or organization
prenup /ˈpriː.nʌp/ C1	noun - short for prenuptial agreement; a contract signed before marriage outlining property and financial rights
pretentious /prɪˈtɛn.ʃəs/ C1	adjective - attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed
fear /fɪr/ A2	noun - an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous verb - to be afraid of; to worry about
discount /ˈdɪs.kaʊnt/ B1	noun - a reduction in the usual price of something verb - to reduce the price of something
expense /ɪkˈspɛns/ B2	noun - the cost incurred for something; an outlay of money

Key Grammar Structures

• Do you smell something? Yeah. Smoke? Yeah, definite smoke.

  ➔ Tag Questions

  ➔ Tag questions are added to the end of a statement to turn it into a question, often for confirmation. Here, "Yeah" and "Yeah, definite smoke" are responses to the tag questions.

• Look, it's a fire. Holy cow. Look at that. It's my father's cabin. The cabin is on fire.

  ➔ Present Continuous Tense

  ➔ The present continuous tense is used to describe actions happening now. "It's a fire" and "The cabin is on fire" indicate ongoing actions.

• Um, I just realized you never gave me back the change from the tolls.

  ➔ Past Perfect Tense

  ➔ The past perfect tense is used to describe an action that occurred before another past action. "Had realized" indicates an action completed before the moment of speaking.

• Have something else. Come on. Have a little dessert. I'm good. Thanks.

  ➔ Imperative Mood

  ➔ The imperative mood is used to give commands or make requests. "Have something else" and "Have a little dessert" are direct commands.

• So, Big Daddy, I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there?

  ➔ Indirect Questions

  ➔ Indirect questions are more polite and are often used in formal situations. "How much did you clear" is an indirect way of asking about the amount.

• I don't like to discuss figures. How much? I don't know what. 8,000. It's a Hyundai.

  ➔ Ellipsis

  ➔ Ellipsis is the omission of words that are understood from context. "I don't know what" and "It's a Hyundai" show the omission of words for brevity.

• Told you those trips are relationship killers.

  ➔ Passive Voice

  ➔ Passive voice is used when the focus is on the action rather than the doer. "Are relationship killers" emphasizes the action of killing relationships.

• Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one. Petraco Corporation out of uh Springfield.

  ➔ Apposition

  ➔ Apposition occurs when two elements are placed side by side, with one element defining or modifying the other. "Petraco Corporation out of uh Springfield" defines "a new one."

• You want to get in very little time, sweetheart.

  ➔ Vocative Case

  ➔ The vocative case is used to address someone directly. "Sweetheart" is used as a direct address to the listener.

• Just a second. Just let me speak. Come on. Come on. Come on.

  ➔ Reduplication

  ➔ Reduplication involves repeating a word or phrase for emphasis. "Come on" is repeated three times to emphasize urgency.