– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the

new task force you're on the hiring

committee for.

The Special Tactical Operations and

Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide

Emergency Investigative Unit for

Emergency Operations. You know, I had a

hand in naming it.

And it's great. Although, you might want

to try shortening it, maybe using a cool

acronym.

So, the S T O SR C I UO. You're right.

That is cool.

Sure. Anyways, I know some of the best

cops in the city are going to be on that

task force, and I would appreciate it if

you consider me for it. Here's my

resume. And I thought it would be fun if

I wrapped it, but then I realized that

would be a terrible idea, so I just

wrote it down. Normally, it'll probably

rhyme a lot on accident. Try not to

focus on that.

Jake Peralta is age 39, but

professionally he's still in his prime.

If you ask me, he's New York's fine.

Ellipsy's estab.

Everyone's professional here.

Not the lyrics we discussed either.

Anyways, sir,

Halloween.

It's heist time.

Thought you'd get a head start on heist

prep. Good luck. I'm already dressed.

Well, I'm also dressed. And I made

breakfast.

Wait, where are my eggs?

In my belly.

Hello.

I followed all your rules. I'm unarmed.

I'm not wearing a wire.

I came alone. There's no backup.

Come on, man. I need your help to take

down your brother.

Doug, Judy, the Pontiac Bandit.

Hey, baby. Nice legs. Why you in your

boxes?

So you would know I'm not wearing a

wire. Your buddy Scott said I had to.

Oh, that makes sense. Scott's a perve.

Hey, Scott, wherever you watching from,

go home.

Sorry, man.

So, what's so important?

She's putting herself through nursing

school. And nurses are the best of our

society. Name one bad nurse.

Nurse Ratchet. Kathy Bates in Misery.

Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.

Okay. Damn. Got a lot of real good

examples off the top of your head. You

believe me, right, Jake?

I mean, the fact pattern's not great,

but Trudy did seem very nice when I met

her.

You trying to get your freak with my

sister?

What? No.

I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.

I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty.

Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't

be snoody.

She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.

And you're married.

Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

I bought orange soda for you.

Okay, for the last time, Orangeina is

not orange soda.

Yeah, because it's better.

Okay, now you're just being crazy.

Hey, sorry I'm late. The coffee guy was

assaulting your head. What is going on

up there?

Is it bad?

Before I answer that question, do you

currently have a knife on you?

Yeah, several.

Then I love it. It really

is hair. It's bad. Rosa, you look like

Edna from The Incredibles. I'm sorry.

Don't stab me.

My girlfriend Jocelyn's been practicing

a bunch of different hairstyles on me.

She's in cosmetology school.

Is she passing?

Honestly, I don't know.

Okay, good. Cuz what I really wanted to

say is next Heist, I'm going to drown

you in your own blood.

Oh, yeah. Well, then I'm going to rip

your arms off and beat you to death with

them.

Oh, I'm going to slice your Achilles

tendons, peel off your fingernails, and

stick knitting needles in your eyes.

Oh, damn.

Raymond, you were right. These heists

are fun.

Oh my god. Pimento has Momento disease.

Your memor is resetting. It's like the

guy from the movie Momento. What? You

guys never saw Momento? It's a guy with

no short-term memory. You know,

Christopher Nolan's first movie.

Is it like Dory from Finding Dory? She

keeps forgetting where she's swimming.

No. No. It's like Dory. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm like the forgetful little

fish.

Well, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but

it's also like

just keep swimming.

That's what Dory said.

Classic Dory. Jake,

you guys really ruined the coolness of

this momento thing.

Also, Jake following is Christopher

Nolan's first movie. You sound like a

great Aole out here.

All right, ladies. I don't got a whole

lot of time here. So, what do you say we

make like Boil's mom and you debriefed

me?

It didn't happen. Nice to know. She

tells me everything.

Yeah, not everything, Chucky. She took

off my undies. Hey, Peralta. What is

that? This?

Yeah. Oh, nothing. Just opening check

case. It looks like a pretty fat file

for a dunker. What is it? Just some old

lady has a missing torso that we can't

find. Put in the major crimes pile.

What? We've already given them all of

our felonies. That's cuz I got a bet

going with the captain of the A4. See

whose squad can solve the most cases.

Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the

loser. Guess what? I'm getting him.

Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian devil.

No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo.

Man, you're really stupid in the

morning, aren't you,

Captain? We all want you to win that

bet.

But do you think maybe we could keep a

few real cases?

Look, I'm going to make it real simple

for you. We only solve misdemeanor

wieners. Say it.

We only solve misdemeanor.

Wieners.

Congratulations. You just called

yourselves wieners.

Dismissed.

That was the most stressful thing I've

ever gone through. And I was wrongfully

imprisoned last year.

That was fun. Every aspect of owning a

food truck is fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. What

the hell do you want, Troy?

Just stole my spots. You son of a

Oh, go on. Get out of here. You're just

square. Give me a break. I should call

the cops.

Oh, you going to call the cops. I am the

cops. Why don't you go back to your

garbage truck and cook some pudding?

You're going to regret this. Kill

yourself, Troy.

Jake, I have a confession to make. The

food truck is kind of stressing me out.

D Roza Diaz, an amazing human/genius.

Rosa Diaz.

Well, you did it. But always remember

one thing. Those gems were in Scully's

butt.

How dare you?

I know. I'm happy for you. I guess. I

don't know.

Hold on. I have some math questions. If

Rosa has three wins, does Scully have

two? Am I now tied with Scully?

No, no, no. I'm tied with Scully. You're

tied with the filing cabinet.

The filing cabinet has more wins than

me.

Yeah, that's how it works.

As it should,

guys. Stop it. We're supposed to be

celebrating Rosa here, not fighting.

No, no, keep fighting. It's why I did

this. You know, technically, we all

shared in Jake's first win, so this

might be my fourth.

What? No.

No. It's a good point.

Oh, we also helped hold win, too.

Oh, shut up, Santiago. Just shut up.

Excuse me. Remember that? How dare you?

I wanted to

say that.

[Music]

Oh my god.

Rosa is wearing pink. Rosa's wearing

pink.

Are we sure it's not a white shirt

that's just been bloodied in a

motorcycle crash?

Well, maybe it wasn't her. Does she have

a twin sister?

If Rosa had a twin, she would have eaten

her in the womb.

Wait, hold it. Stop. How come none of

you teased her about it?

It's Rosa. She's scary.

You guys are unbelievable. I once wore

tie with a splash of purple. You guys

called me Mr. Grapes for 2 years.

Oh, Mr. Grapes. I forgot about Mr.

Grapes.

If I wore a pink shirt, you'd tear me to

shreds.

Well, yeah, but you'd look like a My

Little Pony with a gun.

Let me guess. Your theater club is

putting on Grease and you're playing a

pink lady.

Nice.

Good one.

What are you guys laughing at?

If Bole was wearing a pink shirt.

I get it. That's hilarious.

What's happening? Rose is the one

wearing pink

and

it's gorgeous. Wish I could pull that

off. Dream on. Strawberry shortcake.

Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Okay, we're all set up in there, Mr.

Peralta. Just uh sign here.

What's all set up? What's going on?

Ah, thank you for asking, Terrence. You

see, the food in prison was inedible.

All I thought about day and night were

the things I wished I was eating. And

you, Amy, I thought about you a lot. Sex

with you, just us doing sex with

foreplay.

Great save, babe. Thanks. And so I

decided to make my food fantasy come

true. Unbutton your pants and take off

your shoes cuz there's going to be a

doink load of sodium at Freedom Feast

2017. We begin where all great stories

begin in the quaint little town of

French Fry Village. After that, we're

going to move our adventure over to

Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists,

you guessed it, of turkey burgers. I'm

kidding, it's cheeseburgers. This is

kind of just stuffing. You can avoid

that, but it's attached to the

Thanksgiving turkey theme. cuz I was

thinking about that a lot up in the

jail. And finally, we have a big old

Passover brisket cuz you know I loves my

mom. If you would all take a seat while

I make a toast.

Kindly raise your two liters.

To freedom, to you and most importantly

to orange drink and sex with Amy.

To sex with Amy.

Sorry, should have said that last part.

I found out where they're transferring

me and you know I'm feeling pretty good

about it.

Oh, somewhere nice upper west side.

No, even better.

Staten Island.

Good one, Luke. Where you really going?

Oh, I'm serious. Staten.

Wait, they're transferring you out of

New York.

It's part of the city.

Is it though?

Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got

parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up

and cominging restaurants. I mean, easy

access to New Jersey.

You're lying. You're right. Peek is

popping all over the place. We all know

that's your tell.

Of course, I'm lying. It's Staten

Island. Precinct is the one 122. How the

hell am I supposed to chant? One, two,

two, one, two, one, two, two. I sound

like a damn choo choo train.

Okay, great. I'll see you tomorrow.

Thanks, doctor. Have a good one.

Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I

couldn't help but over here you going to

the doctor. Everything okay?

I'm getting a vasectomy.

My ears are burning. Someone sayctomy.

I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs

you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

It's not supposed to. Trunk to skunk.

Hold it up. You're going to let some

quack doctor just knife around down

there? You are blessed with a great

power and you should never snip its

wings. You should let it soar.

Thanks guys. That's enough. I don't need

any more input.

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Look, you guys, if the sergeant wants to

chop off his penis, that is his choice.

That's not what a vasectomy is. If you

guys don't get back to work, I'm going

to start firing detectives

and blanks. Sorry, I just never think of

jokes.

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Oh god, no need to be so testy. Guess

you won't be manning the tip line.

Sergeant, is this going to go on your

sperm record?

Now playing scrotal recall

for you

and you and you.

What are these?

These, madam, are STDs.

What are you talking about, buddy?

STDs. Save the dates for Vivian and my

wedding.

Ah, yes. Hey, just out of curiosity, how

many people have you given STDs to?

Lots. Like a hundred.

What's going on?

Uh oh. Okay, I get it. STD has another

meaning. You're gross. No one else is

going to think that.

Everyone is going to think that. But

it's sweet that your mind didn't go

there.

Thank you. It is kind of sweet. Will

your first dance be to you give me

fever?

Will you be serving crabs at the

reception?

Do you have herpes?

Guys, this is my wedding. This is

important to me. No more jokes. You're

right. And we're sorry.

Yes,

we love you, buddy. Warts and all.

Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was

itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.

I have an STD.

So, just RSVP or Yeah, the numbers right

on there.

Great.

Diaz, congratulations on moving on to

the second round. said I sarcastically.

Oh, you're still in this. I knew a

uniformed officer had been eliminated. I

just couldn't remember which one.

Okay, we're both great at insults. Let's

move on. Tell me, why do you want to win

this game so badly?

Honestly,

I guess I still feel like my parents

don't accept my sexuality.

And winning this will let me prove to

myself that as long as I feel good about

who I am, that's all that matters.

That's a load of dung. You processed

that parent stuff a year ago. You're

right. We're going to drag brunch this

Sunday.

No. There's something private that is

fueling you. And when I find that

private fuel, I will extract it to use

as my private fuel in my private fuel

tank. Then I will have a full tank of

private fuel and you will have an empty

tank of private Rosa.

Thank you, Margaret.

You're welcome, Raymond.

Sheamus Murphy.

That's right. Remember how I saved your

detectives from prison in exchange for a

favor? The time has come.

Wait, this isn't my order.

What?

This is an omelette. I only eat the

omelets on vacation.

Yeah, I don't care what you eat. I'm

here to call in the favor that you owe

me.

Billy, what if I say no?

This is you asking me for intel and

promising to pay me back. How do you

think this would look to your bosses,

especially now that you're up for the

commissioner job?

Yeah, I know everything.

So, what do you want from me?

a permit to throw a block party. We

don't even have to break the law. This

is fantastic news.

I am not giving Sheamus Murphy that

permit. He only wants to use the block

party as a cover for something criminal,

a robbery, a murder, or something worse.

You don't know that for sure. And that's

your loophole.

I don't believe in loopholes.

What? Loopholes are the best. Remember

that time when Pancake Palace had that

all you can eat deal, but they didn't

set a time limit? I ate pancakes for a

week for $3.99. All I had to do is sleep

there and never shower.

What? Thanks for the invite, friend. I

will not be using a loophole, Baralta.

As always, I'll be using the main hole

or no hole. I choose no hole.

You just said hole way too much, sir.

And that's coming from Charles.

Yes, that's concerning.

Oh, you think you know someone, Jake.

Unbelievable.

Watching him work is amazing.

Mhm.

I have to get video.

Sierra, please hold the phone horizontal

to get more flies in frame. All right,

guys. This fanboy stuff is a little

much. The only thing that's a little

much around here are your scrolled on

eyebrows. Yesesh. Seriously, I thought

they worked.

They do. If you want to look like a mean

drag queen.

I knew I should have done a flatter

arch. This is a nighttime look.

Well, I got a bean to boil, too.

Santiago always tries to finish my

sentences and frequently gets it wrong.

I do not. And I am not wrong.

You do it all the time. No, I was going

to say all the day long. See, frequently

wrong.

I dog sat for Scully and he never

thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.

Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a

dog.

There were two Kelly's. You'd know that

if you'd ever listen to my podcast.

Okay, dude. Just relax.

Don't tell us to relax just because

you're too nice to have any pet peeves.

Oh, Terry's got peeves. Terry hates the

way you always make mouth noises when

you eat. I'm Rosa. I'm eating a

croissant.

How's this for a mouth noise? You suck.

No, you suck. As do you. As do you. And

you.

Oh, yeah. Well, you're all a bunch of

floats.

Well, this is the float right here. You

are the

Papa. Papa, come in here.

Hey, Papa's here. Papa, I'm so scared.

There's a monster in my closet.

Oh, buddy. Shh. It's okay. I'm here.

Monsters aren't real, my little perogi.

But I saw it. It was Harry.

Oh, you just had a nightmare, buddy.

No, it was real. I'm

sure it felt that way. But I am going to

open this closet and I'm going to show

you that there's nothing in there.

Don't do that, Papa.

See, nothing.

Hey, Chuck. It's Pimento.

So, I told Nikolage, "Who cares if

you're bad at skateboarding? When you

grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are

cool. What's cool is hemming your own

pants."

Mhm. Sure.

Jake, you seem distracted. You're

agreeing with everything I say.

We should go on a month-long couple's

vacation. You, Amy, me, and my dad.

Yeah. Yeah, fine. Whatever.

And we should get matching hats that say

best butt one and best two. We should

wear them all the time.

For sure. Look, Charles, don't look

behind you, but I think we're being

followed. I saw this guy when we were

leaving the precinct and he was in line

at lunch and now he's right behind us.

Is that someone you arrested?

I don't recognize him, but judging by

the headtotoe denim, I'd say he's either

not American or deeply American. I'm

thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

Well, should we call it in?

No. I've got a better idea.

Hi there. Who are you and why are you

following me?

I'm not following you. I come for

Charles Bole.

Hey, hey, hey. Hands where we can see

him.

Chill out, bro. It's not gun. It's just

a It's a toy. No shoot. Pretty place.

It's gift for Nicolash.

Nicolash? How do you know Charles's son?

My name is Gintars from Latvia.

I am Nicolash birth father.

Oh, Nicolash's birth father who I never

hoped to meet. Very cool. C.

it. I'm sure you'd like to take some

weight off your clo and hooves.

Calling me the devil. How original,

Raymond.

Actually, I was calling you a goat. You

goat.

I'd like to talk about my promotion.

Very well. But first, how do I know

you're not wearing a wire? I need to pat

you down.

If you must.

What is going on?

I'm watching something.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come

here. You got to see this. I'm about to

give Captain Holt his gift.

Oh, did he lift his no gift policy?

No, he didn't. But I figured out a way

to buy him something and trick him into

accepting it.

You are bad.

I know, right? Oh, wait. You're making

fun of me.

Mhm.

Well, I don't care. He would never open

a gift, right? But what if his gift

didn't look like a gift?

He would open it. Exactly. I left it in

a cardboard box on his desk. There's no

card, just the words open now, which I

wrote with my wrong hand so he wouldn't

recognize my handwriting.

Captain

Santiago Peralta.

Sir, so just to recap, you left an

unmarked package on a police captain's

desk on a random Monday with a

suspicious message written on it that

looked like it was scrolled by a crazy

person.

Mhm.

Bomb. There's a bomb. Everyone out.

Let's go. Let's go. This is not a drill.

Let's go.

Great gift, babe.

Happy Turkey Day.

Yes. Right out of the gate.

What? What's going on?

We're playing boil bingo Thanksgiving

edition.

Everyone filled out their cards with

possible Charles related scenarios.

First to bingo gets 100 bucks.

I had boil calls at turkey day in the

center square.

Boil explains that they ate lobsters at

the first Thanksgiving. They did. Back

in that time they called lobsters ocean

bugs. And I'll just mark it off for you.

I think I got the winning card here.

Boil tells us that he played Pocahontas

in his third grade play. All the girls

were too big.

This is a fun one. Boil says gobble

gobble gobble.

Well, now that I know you want me to say

that, I'll just say it with two gobbles.

Gobble gobble

gobble. God, it just it just sounds

right that way. I don't like this game.

Boil objects to boil bingo.

Come on, guys.

Boil says, "Come on, guys. That's too

for."

Well, guess what? I can spoil your

little game by sitting over here quietly

all day and doing nothing.

Ah,

anybody have boil falls on the floor?

No one. That's a victory. That's a

victory for Boil. Boom.

Boil says,

"Hey, you never came home last night.

Are you doing okay?"

No, I'm a mess. I miss it.

What? I was obviously talking to Amy.

Oh, and who's talking to Skully? No one.

Come on, Sandwich.

[Music]

Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh,

boy?

Yeah, I know. I'm spoiling myself, but

I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten

that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?

Wait, Jake's in prison?

Yeah, he and Rosa were framed for a

bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant

Hawkins.

Oh, right. And where's Gina?

On maternity leave. We were all at her

baby shower last week.

Okay. And why am I bleeding?

I don't know, Hitchcock.

Oh, so you don't have all the answers.

I'm bleeding because my piece of crap

son-in-law bit me.

Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which

is why we have to keep working the case.

There has to be some way to exonerate

him. I've been looking, but I can't find

anything and I don't know what to do.

I can't find anything and I don't know

what to do. Title of your sex tape.

What is happening right now?

They caught Hawkins trying to flee the

country. She confessed to everything and

they let me out.

Oh my god, Jake. Is it really you? Are

you really here?

You know it, baby. But first, I got to

hug my best friend.

What?

Welcome back, Peralta. I just heard from

the mayor to apologize for what happened

to you. They're sending you to Disney

World. You and one male guest. As long

as I don't have to go on any of the

scary rides, I just go for the shows.

Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil,

boil. Were you dreaming about Jake

again?

Why did you wake me up? I told you never

to wake me up.

Ding dong. The lunch is dead. Bagels for

everyone.

So, I guess you believe it now.

Yep. Want to see the selfies I took?

Actually, yes.

I'll share the album with you.

Oh my god, I just heard about Wunch. She

was so young. for a redwood tree. Uh, I

don't understand what's going on. Why

are you crying?

A person is dead. I feel sad.

That's insane. You don't feel sad when a

monster dies in a monster movie. In ET,

do you feel sad when ET dies?

Yes.

He wasn't a monster.

He caused a real commotion.

[Music]

Oh, hello guys. Guys, guys, check it

out. Haka fell asleep in the break room,

so I put his hand in a bowl of warm

water.

Come on, man. That's the stupidest prank

ever.

Uh, no. It's the smartest because it

involves biology. I bet it worked

already. Let's go, Jack.

Hitchcock. No.

He's drowning. He's drowning.

Fab him, man.

I'll take it back, Jake. Great prank.

Interesting.

[Music]

Very, very interesting.

Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on. Um,

what?

He has no pants on. Is what? Here are

the facts. At 11:55 a.m., Captain Holt

walked past us holding a hot bowl of

soup. At 12:03 p.m., I heard him yell,

"Ouch!"

Then at 12:07, he called Gina into his

office. She entered holding nothing. 1

minute later, she left holding an opaque

bag. Captain Holt's pants were in that

bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's

in his undies.

That evidence is circumstantial. Oh, so

you guys want visual confirmation?

Not really.

Done.

Hey, Captain, I just need you to sign

something at my desk real quick.

Just leave it on the couch. Dismissed.

Okay,

sir. You're going to freak. Yo-yo Ma is

in the precinct and he's giving out

autographs.

Yoyo Ma is on tour in Australia right

now.

How would you know that?

I'm choking on a lo. I'm going to die.

I got to take No. No. I swallowed it. I

swallowed it. It's mine.

Hey. Hey. I made you another bowl of

soup since you spilled yours earlier,

but you're going to have to come over

here to get it.

All right, Barto. I'm sick of you

wasting time. So, yes. I spilled some

minestronone on my pants and I'm sitting

in my underwear. Happy?

Yes,

sir. I need you to sign off on

Look at us. Just three people with pants

on having a normal conversation.

Yep. No story here.

Jake, hurry up. I'm starving.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I

just had to grab my wallet,

gentlemen.

Fine. I was trying something and it

didn't work.

Hey everyone, sorry I'm late. So, what's

this secret meeting all about? You guys

know I'm not medically cleared for

another week. It's not a secret meeting,

Jake. It's an intervention. The tips

have to go.

What? Why?

Jake, we're worried about you and you

look very stupid.

Come on, guys. I think they're kind of

cool. Retro.

No, they're terrible.

Amy, come on. You're digging the tips,

right?

No. I feel like I'm kissing Vanilla Ice.

There was a time you would have jumped

at that chance.

They have to go.

All right, you guys got me. I did it as

a joke. I kept them ironically. Pretty

funny, right? I'm just going to head

out.

Get out.

Yes. Ter.

Okay. Okay. Wait. Wait. Okay. Okay.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'll admit it. I

went too deep down there in Florida. At

one point, I think I forgot where the

tip of me ended and the base of the tips

began. Before we just chop them off,

would anybody like to say some final

words?

No.

That was one word. That counts. Thank

you, Rosa. Okay, I'm ready.

Sorry I'm late, everyone, but trust me,

it's worth it. Me and Jake are tip buds.

What? No.

[Music]

You know what? I do see it. It's bad. It

looks bad.

And so concludes this year's secret

Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of

the rules. $40 limit, no perishable

items, and no homemade massage coupons

hitch guard.

Fine. Then everyone will have to pay

full price for them. Oh, Captain, I

would like a $40 gift card to any

restaurant that serves nachos.

I don't have you, Baraldo.

Not only do I know that you do indeed

have me, but I also know who everyone

else has.

That's not possible.

Perhaps not for ordinary men such as

yourself, Jeffs, but for the brilliant

mind of Detective Jacob Sherlock

Peralta. I legally changed my name. It's

quite simply

elementary. For you see, Amy made a face

I only recognized from our bedroom,

which means that she has Captain Holt.

Charles has Terry. His eyes keep

shifting over to him.

No, they don't. Terry looked disgusted,

which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa

didn't draw a name, nor did she put one

in. She doesn't want to participate.

Never do.

Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads,

and he quite clearly said Charlles.

I did get Charlles.

Scully has Amy. He's holding his paper

name side out.

Oh, he's good.

And I have Scully, which means Captain

Hold has me. I'll be taking that gift

card. Daddy loves nachos.

Should we draw the names again and leave

Jake out?

Yeah.

No, Sherlock wants a present.

Attention everyone. Say goodbye to the

Jake Peralta you know and love. For

today is the day I forever change.

Ooh. Are you finally growing a mustache?

No. You know I can't do that. And it's

cruel of you to keep bringing it up.

This envelope contains the inheritance

my uncle left me. He died a year ago. He

was so rich he had a whole room in his

house just to eat in.

You mean like a dining room?

Yeah, but in Manhattan.

Oh, dang.

Now, just because I'm definitely rich

now doesn't mean I'm going to forget my

roots. You all get something, so fire

away.

Jake, your friendship is gift enough for

me.

Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati

Monster 821. All right, Rosa gets a

motorcycle.

Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.

Come on, you could be honest.

I want old, expensive books. I'll send

you a list.

There you go. Now, let's find out what

I'm worth.

I'm too nervous to open it. Serge, you

do it.

Okay,

it's stock. 1 million shares.

Oh my god.

A Blockbuster video stock.

What is that bad? I still have a

Blockbuster card.

What happened to Blockbuster?

So again, your alibi is a mysterious

stranger handed you the gun, made you

put your prince on it, robbed the store,

and then hid the gun in your underpants.

Well, yeah. If you say it like that, it

don't sound believable.

Oh, hey, Captain. Did you get my report

on the Finley murder?

Uh, yeah. I looked it over. Nice work.

Good. Thanks, Dad.

Why is everyone staring at me?

You just called Captain Hold. You said

thanks, Dad.

What? No, I didn't. I said, "Thanks,

man." Do you see me as a father figure,

Peralta?

No. If anything, I see you as a father

figure cuz you're always bothering me.

Hey, show your father some respect.

I didn't call him dad.

No, no, no, no. Jacob, I take it as a

compliment.

It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom

once and she's my fianceé.

Guys, jump on that. Boil has

psychosexual issues.

Old news. But you calling Hol daddy.

Hey, daddy is not on the table here.

But you did call him dad, dude.

You shut up. You've done nothing but lie

since you got here. All right. All

right. I was lying about the holdup, but

the dad thing that happened.

He admitted that his alibi was a lie. It

was a trap. All part of my crazy,

devious plan.

I believed you.

Thank you,

son. You want to talk about it later

over a game of catch?

I'd like that.

Cluck, cluck, gobble, gobble. Guess who

just came from the PS321 Thanksgiving

parade.

Charles, you actually might

Charles. I'm Tommy Gobbler and I'm

stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness. A

gobble gobble.

Seriously, Charles, I

I warned you. I'm Tommy Gobbler, you

silly pilgrim.

Okay, Tommy gobbler.

There you go.

These are the Davidsons.

They want to know what happened to their

missing grandmother.

I have some deeply tragic news for you.

So, two keys, huh?

That's a lot of snow. Yeah, if you can't

handle it, we're happy to find someone

who can.

Don't worry about me, friend. I can

handle it.

Marissa, baby, go get our guest

something to drink, would you? We don't

want a drink.

What is this, a social car?

It's not a tea party.

You look like 5-year-old girls to te.

Gentlemen, please have some patience.

Two keys. Pure as a Catholic school

girl. Did you bring the cash?

Oh, we brought something much better

than cash.

What's that?

Our guns.

NYPD, you're under arrest.

Let's

do it.

Boss man's gone. Where'd he go?

Thank you, kindly, little lady.

[Music]

Gio Costa, you're under arrest. You want

that drink now, Hitchcock? Don't mind if

I do, Scully. Don't mind if I do.

Guys, I have a great idea for a prank.

Before Hol comes in, I'm going to put

ink on the podium where he puts his

hands.

I don't think you'll fall for that.

I did. How? I haven't even opened this

yet.

I guess it's unrelated.

Captain Hold hates pranks. This is going

to backfire, man.

Gh.

Fine. I'll tone it down. I'll move his

podium a foot to the left.

What? He'll be so angry.

Okay. 5 in.

Five.

Three.

Three.

One.

One.

All right. I'll move it a half inch.

Fine. It's your funeral.

Oh my god.

Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not

even going to notice.

Good morning.

You guys, the podium it's

[Laughter]

crazy. How did you pull this off?

Hey, you guys got a sec? I need to talk

to you about something.

Whatever it is can wait, Rosie. You're

going to want to see this question. What

is the number one problem with the

Corona virus?

Mass death. economic collapse, the way

the disease has exposed the systemic

injustice at the core of American life.

Well, yes, obviously those. But after

that, it's how to high-five your friends

while staying 6 feet apart. But now, the

world can stop their worrying because we

have created the COVID 5. With this

machine, you can execute any high five

your heart desires. There's the classic.

Slip me some skin.

Sprinkle me, sprinkle me, sprinkle,

sprinkle me, sprinkle. The Vulcan

scissor, that's a bad one. Yeah. And of

course, the need for speed.

Wow, that was impressively stupid.

I know, right? Uh, so what was it you

wanted to tell me?

Just wanted to say goodbye. I turned in

my resignation. I quit the force.

Dude, that was by far your best five.

You're quitting.

Lastly, on a personal note, as many of

you know, Kevin and I have recently

reconciled.

Nice. Somebody's getting some.

It's true. I am. Now, when we originally

wed, we didn't know how long gay

marriage would be legal, so we had a

somewhat rushed ceremony.

Do you, Kevin?

Yes.

And do you?

Yes. Yes, we do. We're married. Kevin

has always regretted it. So, we're

having a vow renewal ceremony. This

time, we're pulling out all the stops.

It will be a truly extravagant affair.

Oh, how extravagant are we talking?

Champagne pyramid,

destination wedding,

celebrity officient.

We got the salad forks. Can you believe

it? A second fork. Who do we think we

are?

Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it

is. Now, I don't even want to tell you

the other surprise I have in store for

Kevin.

Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread

plates.

Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No,

the big surprise is

I'm retiring from the NYPD.

Wait, what? Why did you lead with the

salad forks?

Gobble gobble. Tommy Gobbler's back and

he wants to hear what you turkeys are

thankful for.

Charles, you got to stop.

I don't gobble understand people.

But Charles,

gobble,

dude. Gobble.

Gobble gobble. Your tail feather is

caught in the gobble door.

Thank you. Gobble. Wait, what?

Oh, I think your feathers are ripping.

Gobble.

Gobble.

I'll get back to you guys by the end of

the day with all the logistics.

Sergeant Terrence Jeffs, four years ago

on this exact date, you told me I was

too old to learn how to do the worm.

I've vow on that day to prove you a

fool. And today I shall

check it.

[Music]

More fire.

As I was telling the squad, our old CO,

Captain McGintley, just passed away.

Oh no.

We're going to Los Angeles for the

funeral next week. I'll have the travel

details later. Hey, has anyone seen a

worm? Because this funky chicken's

hungry.

Charles, a man has died. Read the room.

Sir, you wanted to see me?

Yes. I have an assignment for you. I'm

afraid it's not a pleasant one.

Oh my god. Please tell me it's not.

Yes, it's Hitchcock related.

Son of a

Detective Hitchcock is set to testify in

court this afternoon. It's an important

case, and I'd rather not get another

call from the DA saying he showed up,

quote, covered in condiments, unquote.

So, you want me to keep Hitchcock from

spilling on himself for the rest of the

day? We both know that's impossible.

I'm counting on you.

I won't do it.

There's nobody else I trust.

What you're asking is insane.

I'm not asking.

It's a suicide mission.

Then prepare for death.

You've lost your mind.

This is a direct order, detective. Get

in line.

Hey, you guys startled Hitchcock. He

spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce

on himself.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Sorry, Sarge.

Halloween is the worst. Everyone's

drunk, wearing a mask, and carrying a

fake gun. Plus, all the girls think they

have to dress sexy.

I know. That is the worst. Please make

them stop.

I passed a tree on the way here.

Who wants to have sex with a tree?

Was it a maple?

Was it a maple?

Bonjouro. Bonjouro. Pretty cool. Stew,

huh?

Ste, short for costume.

Ah, all right. Let me guess. You are

Dumpy Chuck Norris.

No, I'm

Dumpy Ron Weasley.

No. You guys, stop it. He put thought

into his costume. And he is obviously

Miranda from Sex in the City.

Guys, I'm Mario Batitali. Mto Mario,

celebrity chef, ginger prince of Little

Italy. Is he also a homeless troll doll?

Cuz he look like a homeless troll doll.

Hey, sweet costume. Dude, thank you.

There is a man with impeccable taste. He

bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA game.

Eric Stoultz for mask. I'll take it.

I hope you're all well rested. It's

going to be a busy night.

The holding cell's completely full. I

keep having to separate Hillary Clinton

and Kim Jong-un.

Stop it. Stop making out.

Hey, no.

What would Bill say?

We need two undercovers at the Dicab

Street warehouse party. Uh, Boil, you're

already in costume as uh Joy Behar

on Mario Batitali.

Okay. And uh Santiago, you go with them.

Yes, sir. Damn it. Santiago, I know that

you hate Halloween, but stick with me

and I promise you, you will love it.

Can you magically make everyone kind,

sober, and fully dressed?

Kind, sober, and fully dressed. Good

news, everyone. We found the name of

Santiago sex tape.

Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I

could.

Title your sex tape. Nailed it. So, have

you ever heard of a guy named Bruno

Roas?

Yeah, big guy in the Columbombian

cartel, right?

He was until he got shot in the chest

yesterday by his top lieutenant.

Apparently, the bullet went straight

through his nipple.

Wa! Nature's bullseye.

Oh my god, I love the way your brain

works. Anyways, he's in a coma now, and

Captain Holt thinks if I'm here when he

wakes up, I can get him to talk.

So, what'd you call me for?

Because I need a partner.

What about them?

Oh, we're not here for work. I brought

Scully in because he needs some medical

tests.

Yeah, I'm here all the time. I'm kind of

the mayor of this place. Sure, old baby.

You got a fresh bag for me?

Saving you the biggest one, Skully?

You're too good to me. Anyway, I'll see

you guys around. Dan. Dan, the enema

man.

Guess it's kind of nice to see Scully in

his element.

Jake, I can't stay here with you. I have

so much on my plate at work. Yeah, so do

I. But I've been pulling double shifts

non-stop, but we haven't really gotten

to hang out in almost a month. Our

anniversary is coming up, and we don't

even have anything planned.

I know, but we talked about this. We're

going to take a trip as soon as we have

time. I promise.

Just like you promised we would see the

Bumblebee movie.

I didn't promise that. I believe what I

said was, "Isn't that a kids movie?"

Yeah. And I believe what I said was,

"It's for teens."

Look, I get that you can't take any time

off from work, but this is a loophole.

It's still work. You know, we can hang

out here and chat and catch up and laugh

and technically we'll be doing our jobs.

I call it a

caseation case. All I ever wanted

case had to get away.

Babe, this is so sweet. But do you

honestly think that Holt's going to let

me just hang out here with you

indefinitely?

Yes, just tell him I need supervision.

I've spent the last 6 years building up

a reputation as an irresponsible goof

for this very moment.

That is ridiculous. Holtz respects you.

Does he though?

Hello. You've reached the office of

Raymond Halt. I can come to the phone

right now.

Hey, sir. I'm just here at the hospital

with Jake and I think he could use some

oversight. Agreed.

So,

case all I ever wanted.

Hey, Gina, we got an anonymous gift

basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's

got meats, cheeses, candies, all the

food groups. The

cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth

and in my hands. Hm. French chocolates,

French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did

none of you detectives think this might

be a gift for Captain Holt from someone

in France, like his husband? Pomp,

what?

No way. This is a nice present from an

unknown, appreciative citizen that

wanted us to munch.

What's this then? Dear Captain Raymond

Holt, thinking of you best, Dr. Kevin

Cosner, PhD. He even used their pet

names.

Oh no, I ate the chocolate covered

strawberry. That's the most intimate

snack of them all. Hold's going to be

back from his meeting in 30 minutes.

What do we do?

Eat the note

now.

No, it's okay. We can fix this.

Check it out, sir. A lovely gift basket

that Kevin sent you all the way from

Paris.

Straight from Paris.

stapler,

scissors,

rubber bands.

That man really knows me.

Listen up everyone. We had a murder this

morning. The vic was found at 8:45 by a

dog walker who let herself into his

apartment.

Oh my god, it's Franzia. This is the

work of Johnny Franzia, my white whale.

He's finally resurfaced.

Not this again. Yes, this again. Johnny

Franzia has been on a murder spree for

the past 10 years. And every time he

kills someone, he taunts me. Look,

there's a deck of cards.

You say that whenever there's cars at a

crime scene, you know how many people

own cars, Jake?

Then explain this. Johnny Franzia's

catchphrase is deuces are wild. Now look

around the apartment. Two chairs, two

paintings, two pillows.

There are three lamps.

You think Frania gives a damn about

lamps? You sound so dumb right now. This

is why you don't have an arch nemesis,

Terry, because you focus on the wrong

details. Maybe I don't have an arch

nemesis because I solve all my crimes.

That's a pretty up thing to say to me.

Wait for it. Wait for it. 9:01. Amy

Santiago is officially late for the

first time ever. All right, let's do

this. Who's got theories?

Uh, alarm didn't go off.

All three alarms, all with battery

backup. Come on. Who wants to take this

seriously? She was taken in her sleep.

That's what I'm talking about. Super

dark boil, but way more plausible than

the sergeant's idiotic alarm clock

theory.

I bet she tucked herself into bed too

tight and got stuck.

Maybe she fell into another dimension

where she's interesting.

It's 9:00 a.m. Why is no one working?

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late and

we're all trying to guess why.

I like to play.

I'd say she's in line at the bank.

This is fun.

It is fun. But you're all wrong. She

clearly slipped through a subway grade

and is having terrible sex with a mole

man.

There she is. Amy, where have you been?

We've been worried sick. Do you care to

explain yourself?

I'm just 70 seconds late. It's not a big

deal. Don't worry about it.

Santiago, you will tell us. And you will

tell us now.

There was a problem at the bank.

God damn.

Pigeon's still here.

Yeah. No matter what we do, you just

won't leave. The problem is you're

thinking like detectives.

No, I'm definitely not. when you should

be thinking like a bird.

This is operation saving private pigeon.

On my mark, I will turn on this fan,

gently startling our bird due east into

the filebox canyon where he will

encounter Charles holding two pot lids.

He'll bang them together, forcing

Private Pigeon into the ceiling there

and out of the ceiling there, where he

will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a

scary picture of an owl. Now he's

playing our game. He'll veer left into

an upside down garbage can propped up by

a hockey stick and connected to a string

that Gina is holding. She pulls it. He's

trapped and Terry releases him outside.

Terry hates birds.

Okay, little friend. Let's get you home

to mama.

Oh god, it flew right into the fan. It's

everywhere. There's pigeon everywhere.

And I believe that's all I've got. Oh

wait, there's one more thing. Peralta

gave me a note before the meeting.

Ugh. The pemanship is horrid. But I

think it says ask if anyone has an anal

mint.

It's announcements and we do.

Wow. What an entrance.

Amy and I have some big news to share.

I'm pregnant.

We're pregnant.

What the hell? I thought you guys would

be more excited than that. Charles, you

didn't even faint.

I'm so sorry. I'll try.

It's not working. Somebody took me

on it.

Rosa, sorry. We're so happy for you, but

we also maybe kind of already knew. I

mean, you didn't do the best job of

hiding it. Why have you been carrying

that box around so much?

I just love this box.

Why are you reading that newspaper? It's

2 days old.

I just love this issue.

Hey, why are you wearing that hazmat

suit?

I just love this look.

Okay, fine. So, you all knew we were

pregnant. Good for you. But I bet you

didn't figure out that we're having

twins.

No, not really. It's one baby. I just

needed to see Charles faint.

All right, everyone. As you know, the

NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in

Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 99 and

sending my findings to the deputy

commissioner. Are there any questions?

Yeah, Veronica, are you sure you're the

best person for that job given our um

you know,

sexual past?

Thank you, Detective Bole.

Sergeant Jeffs, don't be silly. I won't

let the fact that you and I have a

history together affect the decision I

have to make in any way whatsoever.

Well, that's certainly good to hear. I

mean, sure, it took me years of intense

therapy to get over, and it's given me a

fear of intimacy that has affected every

subsequent relationship, but there's no

reason I can't remain unbiased.

The way you just said that makes it seem

like you actually are biased.

I have no idea what you mean. That is

all.

Okay, the plan is clear, Sarge. You

divorce Sharon, abandon your children,

get back together with that monster. The

precinct is saved. I'm not leaving my

family.

Come on. You didn't even consider it.

Whoa. What's with the cast?

I sprained my wrist.

Oh no. What happened?

Don't worry about it. I'm fine.

Yeah. Jeez. Amy, back off. Leave the guy

alone. All right, huddle up. Everybody

bring it in. Bring it in.

So, he wouldn't say what happened, which

can only mean one thing.

He's in a fight club.

No, he did it doing something he's

embarrassed by, like smiling. Only

question is how do you hurt your arm

smiling?

Could be a sports injury. I sprained my

wrist in college playing field hockey.

Men's field hockey?

Yeah, it's much more violent than the

women's game. We're not allowed to wear

anything that protects our breasts.

Attention everyone. I can hear you

speculating about the nature and origin

of my injury from my office. I tripped

over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think

it was relevant to your jobs. The jobs

which you should all be doing right now.

Get to work.

Do you want to know how I actually hurt

my wrist?

Yes.

I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a

class for fitness and for fun.

Oh my god.

I've mastered all the moves. The pizza

toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the

oopsy doodle.

Why are you telling me this?

Because no one will ever believe you.

No, no.

You sick son of a

Bro, there was a botch bene at a jewelry

store in Atlantic that just turned into

a hostage situation. They want you to be

the negotiator.

Oh my god, my prayers have finally been

answered.

You prayed for a hostage situation?

Yes, I did every single day.

I don't understand. Why isn't ESU

handling this?

Apparently, the hostage taker asked for

Jake by name.

Oh yes, it's getting even cooler. Oh

man, I wonder who it is. Ooh, maybe it's

the brother of someone I put away for

life. Ooh. Or the identical twin of

someone I put away for life. Or the

fraternal twin of just get down there

and take Diaz with you.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. How do I look? It

doesn't matter. Let's go negotiate.

Hey everyone, I'm here. I'm Jake

Peralta, the negotiator. Oh, so you're

Jake Peralta, the negotiator. Yes. Who

are you?

Dennis Cole, ESU. This was my crime

scene before you bozos got here.

Nice to meet you, too, Dennis.

I've spent 10 years as a negotiator, and

you just took my first hostage

situation. All I've done up till now is

talk jumpers off of rooftops. But that

must be satisfying in its own way,

right? Yeah. Really satisfying saving a

crazy person's life. Whatever. Here's a

little advice. I don't like you two. Not

so much advice as it is a hurtful

statement based on limited interaction.

He wants to talk to you.

Get the hell in there. Oo, it says

negotiator on it.

This is Jake Peralta.

I am unarmed

and I'm approaching the building.

You wanted to talk to me?

Keep those hands in the air. Now wave

them like you just don't care.

What?

I'm just messing with you, Peralta. Put

your hands down. Give me a hug, baby.

Judy.

Bonjour. Me.

Wow. Someone had a good time in Paris.

Oh, Kevin and I shared a perfect week

together. I feel like I'm floating on a

guason. I wonder why people don't just

break into song more often.

I've been asking you for months if I

could answer the phone like

this.

Give it a whirl, girl.

Guys, he's rhyming. He's telling Gina to

sing. Captain Halt is on a vacation

high. He will say yes to anything right

now.

I would like a police horse and I'd like

Terry to be riding it almost constantly.

I'd like an HR person to remind everyone

about workplace boundaries. The Japanese

make toilet seats which squirt a heated

jet of water right up your I'm going to

stop you right there, bud. What we need

in here is an armored personnel carrier.

A tank.

Two tanks. I want a tank, too.

Great. So, everyone gets a tank. Just

remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's

vacation high. So, no one say anything

that'll upset him. Oh, no. What are

those morons doing in there?

Well, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe

they didn't upset him.

What did you do? What' you say?

Nothing. We just said, "Welcome back."

And laughed with him about all the

weight he gained in France.

Why is everyone just standing around?

Get back to work.

So long, Tank.

Tank, I gained 3 lb in Paris. 3 lb.

Morning.

Who are those for?

Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They

weren't close, but I wanted to do

something.

Interesting. Flowers are a bold choice,

Santiago. But I can still beat you.

Beat me at expressing condolences.

Yep, it's on. Flowers are a gift, and

Captain Hol hates gifts. I think a

thoughtful email is the way to go here.

Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for

your loss. Group sentiment very

meaningful. Please let us know if

there's anything we can do. Selfless

act.

Very respectful.

Correct. I am the king of

respectfulness,

Hey, did you send that from your

personal or work account?

Personal. It's a personal matter

involving a personal friend and his

personal uncle.

So, you remembered to turn off your

signature, right?

I don't know.

Hey, Captain. I just sent you an email.

Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for

your loss. Please let us know if there's

anything we can do. Sent from my stinky

butt.

I was hacked.

Thank you for the email. It means a lot

to me.

You're very welcome.

I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake, you got to see this. There's

something going on here. Something a

little hairy.

Nope. Don't see anything out of the

ordinary.

Really? Oh, maybe I should frame the

question differently. Terry, do you

notice anything?

Amy,

new shirt.

Oh, come on, guys. I grew goatee and it

looks amazing. And I know you can see

it.

Of course, we can see it, Charles. It's

horrible.

It looks like you unclogged a shower

drain with your mouth.

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in

the don't talk to strangers poster.

No, I don't.

Now, you're talking about your new

goatee?

Mhm.

I think it's a good choice for your

face.

Come over here so I can take a better

look. Thank you, Captain. I knew you'd

appreciate Bianca. That's right. I call

her Bianca because she's dark and thick

like my first cousin. Bianca

Jeffers Peralta. Now,

say goodbye to Bianca. Boil.

Bianca.

Terry loves waking up. Terry loves

waking up. Terry.

Good morning, honey. Tell

what the hell are you doing?

It's Halt Ny's last day, so we're having

a final heist. It's heist day.

Couldn't you have just sent an email?

Nope. This was the only way. I have to

go alert the others. See you soon. It's

ice day, Rosa.

Sorry about your milk. Got to go.

Nico, it's time for school.

It's ice day, Charles.

Where's Nicolash?

He's crying in the closet. Got to go.

Babe, what are you doing?

I was hiding so I could surprise you.

But if you're here, then who's in our

shower?

It's me, Captain Holmes. It's heist day,

Jay. Oh.

[Music]