– English Lyrics

Lyrics & Translation

[English]

(duck quacking)

(birds tweeting)

(person with T-shirt exhaling loudly)

(bed sheets rustling)

- [Instructor] Here's another quick tutorial

on how to ruin the rest of your life.

Step one: close your body language.

Go throughout life with a closed body language.

Slouch your shoulders.

Keep your head down.

Don't make eye contact.

Don't give anybody the impression

that you're someone they can talk to

or someone they can trust.

Appearing socially unreceptive will reduce the amount

of friends you make and keep spontaneous human interaction

to a minimum, which is great.

Now, hopefully everyone can just get outta your way

and leave you alone.

(melancholy soft music)

Step two: check your phone.

When in doubt, check your phone,

even if you don't know why.

Always look occupied, so you don't have to interact

with anybody you're not comfortable interacting with.

It could be awkward or unpredictable, so don't risk it.

Tickle your brainstem whenever you don't know what to do.

Make this your default.

Do it so often that you genuinely forget

how people are supposed to interact,

further solidifying this automatic behavior.

Step three: be late.

Never be early to anything.

Always tend to show up right on time or a few minutes late.

Don't give anybody the impression that you're prepared,

diligent, or have decent time management skills.

You don't wanna come across as too keen.

Plus, being early is awkward.

What if you have to talk

with somebody you don't really know?

Like, what are you gonna do?

Make a new friend?

Anyways, when you do run late

or make any kind of mistake in life,

you should always make excuses.

Always have some sort of half-baked reason

why you did a bad thing.

Blame something; anything but yourself.

Never own up to your mistakes

or try earnestly to correct them.

Just cycle through a rotation of excuses

and keep track of how recently you've used them.

The bottom line is that you should never admit

that your wrongdoing is your fault,

even when you know it is.

Lose track of the last time you apologized.

Number five: develop an external locus of control.

Begin to actually believe that nothing is your fault.

Choose to believe that everything in your life happens

to you and nothing because of you;

that you had no part to play in your misfortune.

Doing this will trick your subconscious into relinquishing

control of your fortune as well.

You'll begin to believe that success

will just happen to you.

(dog barking)

(hand knocking on door)

Step six: steal the spotlight.

Always find a way to steer the conversation

back to yourself.

Whatever story you just heard isn't as crazy

as that thing that happened to you that one time.

Never ask anybody how they're doing,

and if you do, out of courtesy,

take the mic back as soon as possible.

After all, how are you supposed

to get any validation without talking about yourself?

And you need as much validation as you can get.

Acting this way around other people will make you

so exhausting to be around

that you'll find yourself slowly losing friends

instead of gaining them.

Step seven: detract.

On the off-chance that you're not talking about yourself,

make sure to talk about others in a negative light,

especially if you can find someone else

who shares your toxicity.

Cackle and sneer at people you don't like.

Convince yourself that they should know better.

Become so proficient at noticing the flaws in others

that it becomes an automatic reflex.

Let any celebration or words of affirmation

sour in your wake.

Serve every compliment on your backhand.

Step eight: shapeshift.

Say one thing, do another.

Act one way in front of others

and another way behind closed doors.

Live your life as if you're several different people.

Be unpredictable, even to yourself; a chameleon.

Whatever you need to be at any given moment,

be so unfamiliar with your own moral standards

that you lose any sense of identity.

Step nine: wish.

Never surrender yourself to the effort of planning

or the humility of prayer.

Simply wish for things to be different.

Fantasize daily about your perfect world

and your perfect life.

Reject the cards you've been dealt.

Refuse to play an active role

in the shaping of your destiny.

Just wait for the knight in shining armor

to come prancing down the hill.

Step 10: shrink.

Regularly participate in activities that steal your life.

Don't engage in behaviors that make you feel strong.

Always take the path of least resistance.

Convince yourself that what's good for you is bad

and what's bad for you is good.

Step 11: despair.

Believe that you are unworthy of redemption,

that somehow your flaws are unforgivable.

Actively reject your own forgiveness.

Subscribe to the idea that, no matter what you do,

you're destined for condemnation.

Believe that you are fundamentally bad,

and since human beings tend to act

according to what they believe they are,

this will make it much easier to continue doing bad things.

It's just who you are.

Live your life as if you've been dead for 20 years

and it's already too late to change anything.

You had your shot.

It's over.

(melancholy soft music ends)

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(despondent piano music)

(despondent piano music continues)

Key Vocabulary

Vocabulary	Meanings
ruin /ˈruːɪn/ B1	verb - to severely harm or destroy something
closed /kloʊzd/ A2	adjective - not open; restricted
slouch /slaʊtʃ/ B2	verb - to sit or stand with poor posture
unreceptive /ˌʌnriˈsɛptɪv/ C1	adjective - not willing to receive ideas or suggestions
spontaneous /spɒnˈteɪniəs/ B2	adjective - done without planning
occupied /ˈɒkjupaɪd/ A2	adjective - busy or in use
unpredictable /ˌʌnpɹɪˈdɪktəbəl/ B2	adjective - not able to be foreseen
default /dɪˈfɔːlt/ B1	noun - a preset setting or choice
excuses /ɪkˈskjuːzɪz/ A2	noun - reasons given to justify a fault
relinquish /rɪˈlɪŋkwɪʃ/ C1	verb - to voluntarily give up something
validation /ˌvælɪˈdeɪʃən/ B2	noun - confirmation or recognition
detract /dɪˈtrækt/ C1	verb - to reduce the value or importance of something
shapeshift /ˈʃeɪpʃɪft/ C2	verb - to change form or appearance
humility /hjuːˈmɪlɪti/ B2	noun - modesty or lack of pride
redemption /rɪˈdɛmpʃən/ B2	noun - the action of saving or being saved from sin or evil
condemnation /ˌkɒndəmˈneɪʃən/ C1	noun - the action of condemning or state of being condemned