Barney, what the hell is going on here?
00:02
Lily, I can explain...
00:06
How could you? In our own home?
00:07
I'm so sorry. I didn't know he had...
00:11
This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years
00:14
to put you through medical school?
00:18
I got breast implants for you, I...
00:20
was just about to turn on the tears.
00:24
Yeah, 'cause nothing says "casual" like inviting a hundred people
00:35
over just to mack on one girl.
00:37
Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.
00:39
You waited five minutes to tell me that?
00:43
All right, so call her up.
00:47
Let's face it, the gang is over.
00:48
Ted's gone, Robin's gone.
00:51
We might as well just go our separate ways.
00:52
God, Barney, enough with the abandonment issues.
00:54
Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group. We all are.
00:57
Why are you saying that all of a sudden?
01:02
Oh, God, you're pregnant!
01:05
Oh, God, you already had the baby!
01:08
It's right behind me, isn't it?
01:11
Allow us to demonstrate.
01:13
Hey, guys, I just found a great new sushi restaurant.
01:15
It's called Katsu...
01:19
...yoku. Katsuyoku.
01:19
Well, can I stay here maybe?
01:30
Oh, I'd let you, but I don't have any room.
01:32
What? You live in a two-bedroom apartment.
01:35
You have one room just for your suits.
01:37
Hey, I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family.
01:40
Got to keep that pretty face moist.
01:46
Oh, no, no, no, no!
01:49
What's wrong with her?
01:52
She hates that word.
01:53
What word, "Moist"?
01:54
No! Seriously stop!
01:55
That was the first forty minutes of Barney's show.
02:06
You are in the heart of bachelor country.
02:10
And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here.
02:12
Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa,
02:16
but that only lasts twelve hours.
02:18
Fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry.
02:20
is something some lame, judgmental chick would say,
02:24
but I say give me multiple high fives.
02:28
Wow, you really are desperate.
02:32
Well, Lily, I guess it's just you and me.
02:35
Whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time
02:41
undressing me with your eyes.
02:43
You even take off my shoes.
02:44
High heels chafe my shoulders.
02:47
But you don't have to worry about that anymore.
02:49
Ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big, fat manatee.
02:51
Well, you're a big, stupid, octopus face!
02:55
Barney planned on being a violinist.
03:00
Don't tell me things.
03:03
Now, Lil, you can do this.
03:05
All you have to do is look that guy in the eye,
03:07
say your name is Marissa Heller,
03:08
And again, just so we're clear,
03:11
Are we sure she's not British, innit?
03:13
Look, I know this is messy.
03:17
My dream versus Marshall's dream.
03:19
I won't force you guys to choose sides.
03:21
Good, because I totally side with Marshall.
03:23
That would have been so awkward.
03:25
You're getting on board with Barney's idea?
03:28
Man, you really have snapped.
03:30
It's nine weeks till the wedding.
03:31
At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.
03:33
And then we endured about twenty minutes of this.
03:39
I have to go refill.
03:54
I'll be back in a moment.
03:56
I never get picked for audience participation.
04:02
Okay, you can stay here for two days.
04:05
But I only have one rule.
04:10
You can't change anything.
04:11
Why would I change anything?
04:13
There was no food in the fridge, so I picked...
04:24
What are you doing?
04:27
Lily, what was the first rule again?
04:29
Don't change anything.
04:31
And what was the second rule?
04:32
There was no second rule.
04:34
There was only one rule, and you broke it!
04:35
Lily, can I talk to you for a second?
04:40
So, um, I made an appointment with that cardiologist.
04:45
Aw, and you want me to go with you
04:47
'cause you're a little scared?
04:49
Do you want me to go with you because you're a lot scared?
04:52
If there's one thing you never do,
04:56
it's call a woman fat right to her face!
04:58
Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?
05:03
I will give you one hundred dollars to fist bump me.
05:14
Two hundred dollars.
05:20
Just put it down, Barney.
05:22
Your arm must be killing you by now.
05:23
Ten thousand dollars.
05:27
Claudia is getting married tomorrow.
05:35
and, so help me God, if I catch you
05:37
even so much as breathing the same air as her,
05:39
I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles
05:42
and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out,
05:45
and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
05:47
Wait. My eyes or my testicles?
05:50
All right! All right.
05:54
Barney, that's like the third one in a row that you've screwed up.
05:57
Well, I'm trying, but it's...
06:00
Look, you fold twice in the middle, fold back and forth,
06:02
pull the ends out, flip over, open the flaps, fold the edges,
06:05
crease the front, fold in half, fold the wings down,
06:08
push in the bottom corners, and fold the wings back out.
06:11
Or would you like one of my kindergartners to show you?
06:13
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, I think I've got it.
06:17
Forget it, the paper's too expensive.
06:22
There's nothing to be...
06:28
They're awesome, manly pain tears.
06:40
They're not emotional.
06:43
Okay, they're a little bit emotional.
06:45
So, from the bottom of my heart,
06:48
for whatever I did to you,
06:50
Aw, I'm so proud of you.
06:55
I think what Barney's saying, is that definitions are important.
07:02
You're their teacher, not their friend.
07:05
If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
07:08
You have to make things clear.
07:12
Define the relationship.
07:15
Lily, private convo time.
07:19
So, uh, what scotches you got?
07:22
Oh, here at the center, we have a very strict no alcohol policy.
07:25
Come on. I was ki... Wait, wait, wait.
07:31
There is another addendum to the mermaid theory.
07:34
A pregnant woman who's become a manatee
07:36
can become a mermaid again through one simple act.
07:38
Breast-feeding. Hot.
07:42
When those things swell up to three times their normal size,
07:47
See, kids? Told you I'd get it.
07:54
Robin just needs to see this new side of you.
07:57
So, just call her up.
07:59
She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
08:10
You left a voice but it wasn't male.
08:13
Suits are full of joy.
08:15
They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
08:17
Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade.
08:22
Suits are for the living.
08:24
Firstly, what do you think would happen if a guy walked
08:27
into that store wearing a suit of boots?
08:29
Well, Barney, your heart sounds fine.
08:32
See, Lily? She was worried.
08:34
Although, it seems like you might have a slight Arrhythmia.
08:37
Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
08:42
You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
08:45
And that's not happy?
08:48
Why are you in our bed?
08:56
I took the drunk train and got stuck out here.
08:57
Oh, God, I am so hungover.
09:01
Oh, God, Lily's not wearing a bra!
09:03
I'd like to see you accept someone else's challenge.
09:07
Wait, what's the challenge?
09:12
Interesting. An opportunity rife with possibilities.
09:13
We need to find something with just the right amount of poetic...
09:17
Get a girl's number while talking like a dolphin.
09:20
Hey, Barney. Listen, I have something to tell you.
09:37
Oh, boy. Here we go.
09:41
I've been waiting for this one.
09:43
You talked to Robin.
09:44
She told you what's under the hood,
09:45
and you want to take it for a spin yourself.
09:47
Not even if you boiled it in detergent.
09:49
That was just a practical joke.
09:56
I'm not really in love with Robin.
09:58
You should've seen the look on your face.
10:00
There's cameras right there, and there, and there.
10:02
What a legendary prank that we're never gonna speak of again.
10:06
You son of a bitch.
10:13
She's gone, and so is the playbook.
10:17
I think we all know who is responsible for this.
10:21
You son of a bitch.
10:33
Okay, I already know. I don't want to hear this.
10:38
Do you think that if we did it,
10:40
Yeah, I was right. I don't want to hear this.
10:42
and I did a really good job,
10:43
that... I could turn that into my baby?
10:46
I think I'm gonna throw up.
10:52
Oh, this is an all night thing?
10:57
Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
11:02
Just hope she's not too hefty.
11:09
And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.
11:12
You also can't use the letter E.
11:17
Baby, simmer. Your husband's right here.
11:33
At least attempt to hide it.
11:34
The characters, yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the...
11:36
"Barney, what are you doing here?"
11:44
I can't believe it's really you.
11:45
Come in, have a seat.
11:46
Do you want some tea?
11:47
I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space.
11:47
Let me show you some of my paintings.
11:50
I think it's some of my best work ever."
11:51
As long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons,
11:53
no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits,
11:57
no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.
12:00
I noticed you left out flimflams.
12:04
But who would woo, Lily?
12:07
Lily, what are you doing here?
12:18
Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.
12:19
Ah. Here to give him something.
12:21
Yeah, but I'm in a hurry.
12:26
Can I just give it to you?
12:28
And then you'll give it to him?
12:34
Hey, oh, hey, I don't know about all that.
12:36
I mean, yours would have to be really good.
12:39
What are you talking about?
12:43
What are you talking about?
12:44
You think we had anything to do with that?
12:45
Yeah, I think we did.
12:48
Oh, that was killing my arm.
13:00
My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen years old
13:02
and figured out how to lock a bathroom.
13:05
You wanna make this real?
13:14
Let's make this real.
13:15
If you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off,
13:18
I will let you touch one boob.
13:21
Touch and motorboat.
13:25
Twenty minutes. Both boobs.
13:31
Thirty seconds. One boob.
13:32
Four minutes. Both boobs. Three squeezes.
13:34
One minute. Both boobs. One squeeze.
13:36
I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.
13:39
Don't make me laugh, Lily.
13:43
You wanna hit this so hard.
13:45
Seriously. She's playing footsies with me as I speak...
13:47
if you can't do everything, and I mean everything,
13:52
then you have to wear Marshall's ducky tie for one year.
13:55
You're better than porn.
14:08