Well, the good news is that a
00:00
substantial amount of royalties is going
00:02
to come in in the next couple of months.
00:03
Great. Problem solved. Let's go out to
00:05
dinner. No, problem not solved. But I'm
00:07
hungry. Get used to it.
00:10
It's going to take a while to pay off
00:14
all the bills your accountant ignored.
00:15
So until then, you're going to have to
00:18
cut back. But you said I got money
00:19
coming. Shall I go get the paper cup?
00:21
Okay. What do we cut? Well, let's look
00:25
at your expenses. Uh, first thing is we
00:28
stop paying your accountant. That's a
00:30
little cold, isn't it?
00:33
He's a great guy. I've known him for
00:35
years. He's just going through a rough
00:37
patch. Charlie, you're broke. You're
00:38
right. Screw him. What's next? Um, you
00:39
have a gardener. Why do you have a
00:43
gardener? To tend my garden.
00:44
Garden? You mean the two potted palms on
00:48
the deck?
00:50
Water them yourself. Okay, but I'm going
00:52
to have to buy a hose and one of those
00:54
watering things. So, isn't that kind of
00:56
a push?
00:59
Gone. Now, the Ultimate Premiere
01:01
satellite package. Oh, that's really
01:03
cool. I get every sporting event in the
01:05
world. If a kid in Madagascar throws a
01:07
rock at a tree, I can see it and bet on
01:09
it.
01:11
It's gone. Oh, man. We can keep the
01:13
cable though, right? You have satellite
01:16
and cable. Sometimes there's solar
01:18
flares. Okay, we can cut back to basic
01:20
cable. Basic cable? That's what they get
01:23
in prison.
01:26
Hey, what you doing? Bad time, Rose.
01:30
Money problems, huh?
01:33
How did you know? I bought your espresso
01:36
maker from Bura. I got a great deal cuz
01:38
she didn't want to carry it on the bus.
01:40
Wonderful. Charlie, miscellaneous cash
01:43
expenses. What exactly is that?
01:46
I don't know. Go see a movie, buy a hot
01:49
dog, stuff like that. It was $80,000
01:51
last year.
01:54
Oh, that that's women and gambling.
01:57
Gone and gone. Great. Why don't I just
02:01
shoot myself? You can't afford a gun.
02:05
You know, I could lend you some money,
02:10
Charlie. That's very sweet, Rose, but I
02:11
don't really want to shoot myself.
02:14
Charlie, the way I see it, you're either
02:16
going to have to slash expenses or find
02:17
the money to pay your bills someplace
02:19
else. Okay.
02:21
I'll borrow on the house. You've already
02:23
got three mortgages. Is that a lot? Not
02:25
if you have three houses.
02:27
Let me ask you a tough question. What
02:30
would you think about going to mom for a
02:32
short-term loan? H interesting idea.
02:35
I think I'd rather have a pack of hyenas
02:39
tear out and devour my intestines.
02:41
Yeah, I know. I know. I can't afford
02:45
hyenas.
02:47
Morning, Ba.
02:49
Need some help? Yeah. Come to my house
02:51
and explain to my daughter that we don't
02:53
put up bail for cute guys with Costa
02:55
Rican passports.
02:57
Morning. I got your groceries, Charlie.
03:00
You owe me $74. Why don't you just use
03:02
my credit card? I tried. Funny story.
03:04
My platinum card.
03:12
Look what they did to my platinum card.
03:15
They decapitated my holographic eagle.
03:18
Yeah. Yeah, that's sad. You owe me 74
03:22
bucks. Relax. I'll write you a check.
03:24
Uh-uh.
03:26
Vera, I'm good for $74. Well, there's an
03:29
assistant store manager with bad skin
03:31
and a pair of scissors who begs to
03:33
differ. He obviously made a mistake.
03:35
Leave it to me. I'll straighten it out.
03:38
Alan, what do I do?
03:42
Uh, call the bank that issued the card
03:44
and figure out what's going on. Good
03:46
idea.
03:48
How do I get the number? It's usually on
03:51
the back of the card.
03:53
Okay, this may take a while.
04:00
Are you sure?
04:05
Okay, thanks.
04:07
I don't believe it.
04:09
None of my bills have been paid in four
04:11
months. My credit is shot. All my cards
04:13
are dead. Well, you don't have to worry
04:15
about paying me this week, Charlie.
04:17
Thank you, Ba. I'll just take this
04:19
espresso maker and be on my way.
04:20
Call me when things pick up.
04:24
Hey, how's the jingle coming? The lyrics
04:29
are fine. The music needs a little work.
04:33
How's Jake? Oh, he'll be okay. Uh, I
04:37
stayed over at the house a little while.
04:39
We watched some movies. I uh I made us
04:41
some soup and a couple of sandwiches.
04:43
And uh Judith suggested I take mine to
04:45
go.
04:48
Suggested?
04:50
Well, she started my car and threw my
04:51
sandwich in the back seat. It's rough.
04:53
Uh, listen. Uh, I'm afraid I got some
04:56
more bad news for you. Oh, no. I forgot
04:59
to bring Porky back.
05:02
See, that's the thing.
05:04
Nothing's bringing Porky back.
05:07
What? What? Porky's dead. Buddy, buddy,
05:10
buddy. That's all, folks.
05:14
Oh, God.
05:20
Oh, God.
05:23
It's okay. We can We can get Jake
05:26
another guinea pig. Jake will be fine.
05:28
This is his fourth porky in three years.
05:32
He goes through them faster than shoes.
05:36
No, this is about my life.
05:40
Everything is going to hell.
05:44
Okay. Well, I I I don't don't cry. We
05:46
can still be friends.
05:49
What? I'm sorry. It's the only thing I
05:53
know to say when someone cries around
05:56
here.
05:57
I am so sorry, Porky.
06:02
You just kept running around in your
06:05
little cage trying to make everybody
06:07
happy.
06:08
And what do you get? You get dead.
06:10
You do know the pig can't hear you,
06:15
right?
06:17
Don't you get it? I am the pig. Okay.
06:19
Okay. I I I'm just asking because your
06:23
your reaction doesn't seem very healthy
06:25
to me. And what do you think would be
06:27
healthy, Charlie? I don't know. Why
06:28
don't we toss pork in the ocean and go
06:31
get bombed?
06:32
[Applause]
06:34
How could you? How could you?
06:38
Okay.
06:43
Charlie, I'm telling you right now, I'm
06:48
not going to sleep with you tonight. Oh,
06:50
whoa, whoa. Where'd that come from?
06:52
Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you
06:56
back to my house, and all of a sudden,
06:58
you think I want to sleep with you?
06:59
Yeah. You mean you don't? Hey, we just
07:03
met. Let's talk. Get to know each other.
07:06
If later down the road something
07:09
happens, great. If not, we've each made
07:11
a new friend.
07:13
That is very sweet. Well, my mother
07:15
raised me to be respectful of women, and
07:18
I've always said, "Son of a bitch."
07:21
What?
07:27
That That's what butterscotch candies.
07:30
In about 30 seconds, they're going to be
07:35
butterscotch suppositories.
07:36
Thank you. Well, we have a wild show.
07:40
Morning.
07:52
Morning. I couldn't help but notice the
07:54
guys from Goodwill hauling away Allen's
07:56
hide a bit.
07:58
Oh, yeah. He doesn't live here anymore.
08:00
No kidding. Allan's gone. Yep. Wow.
08:03
So, you couldn't think for even a second
08:08
that I might want to hide a bit?
08:10
Sorry. You want some flowered towels? B.
08:15
So, what broke your two love birds up?
08:20
He crossed the line. Must have been a
08:23
big one. Very big. Was it money? Worse,
08:25
a woman. Worse. What's worse than money
08:29
and women?
08:32
He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the
08:34
front table.
08:36
No.
08:40
Then when I told him to get rid of it,
08:43
he filled it with candy and put it on
08:45
the coffee table. Dear God.
08:47
What kind of candy? Butterscotch. M.
08:52
I mean, the son of a
08:57
Are you making fun of me? I'm trying.
09:01
So, what? You think I should just let
09:05
him put a candy dish wherever he wants?
09:06
No, you're right. He obviously had to
09:09
go. He's an ungrateful parasite who
09:12
overstepped his boundaries. Exactly.
09:14
While you, on the other hand, are a
09:17
completely reasonable man with no
09:18
control issues whatsoever.
09:20
I don't pay you to mock me, Charlie.
09:23
You'd have to pay me not to
09:25
tell the doctor that if I was a tree,
09:28
the rash is predominantly around the
09:30
mossy trunk area,
09:32
[Laughter]
09:38
but I'm starting to see some redness on
09:40
the adjacent boulders.
09:42
Oh, come on. Tree, two boulders. What
09:46
part don't you understand?
09:48
Hey. Hey. Okay, just have him call me.
09:51
Heard from Jake? Nope. I'll call him at
09:55
his mom's. See how school went? Alan,
09:57
does this look infected to you? What?
10:00
Oh,
10:02
get that away from me. I'm not asking
10:04
you to tickle it. Just take a look. No,
10:06
thank you. But you're a doctor. I'm a
10:08
chiropractor.
10:11
I work with vertebrae. And contrary to
10:13
popular belief, there's not a single
10:15
bone in the penis.
10:17
Oh, hi Judith.
10:20
Uh, no, nothing. I was I was just
10:23
talking to Charlie. Uh, hey. Hey, is
10:24
Jake home from school yet? No. Oh, okay.
10:26
Well, I was just wondering how his first
10:29
day went. Uh, have him call me. Okay.
10:31
Thanks. Bye-bye.
10:33
Huh?
10:35
Hope he didn't wander under the
10:37
bleachers during lunch hour. Ah, he's
10:38
smarter than that. Smart, Charlie. He
10:40
only got out of sixth grade cuz he
10:43
couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
10:44
Well, if you're that concerned, just
10:47
call him on his cell. Good idea.
10:49
[Laughter]
10:52
Well, this is going to be a sucky
11:01
weekend. Try spending it with an
11:03
11-year-old who does nothing but
11:05
complain.
11:07
You mean me?
11:09
Well, no wonder they got to write your
11:11
name in your underwear.
11:12
What am I supposed to do?
11:16
Watch TV. There's nothing on. Play a
11:18
video game. I played them all. Read a
11:21
book. You're right. Who's the now?
11:23
Okay, here's a rainy day activity. There
11:28
are 12 college basketball games on this
11:32
weekend. Dial this number and ask for
11:34
Coupe. Tell him you're calling for Mr.
11:37
Bo Jingles and write down everything he
11:38
tells you. Do I get to make some of the
11:41
picks this time? You got money? If you
11:43
pay me what you owe me,
11:45
you get an education here. That's
11:47
priceless.
11:49
What's going on? Just talking about
11:52
picking colleges. I'm Duke over Wake
11:54
Forest. Got a hunch.
11:57
You've got him thinking about college
12:00
already. You're welcome.
12:02
Well, you don't have a fever. I told you
12:06
he's fine. Let's go. Charlie, he threw
12:08
up in your umbrella stand. Did you miss
12:11
that? So Vegas is full of people who
12:13
throw up.
12:16
They built that city on a sea of vomit.
12:18
I'm okay. I can go. That's the spirit.
12:22
You really want to drive 5 hours through
12:24
the desert with a puking kid in the back
12:26
of your new Mercedes? He can stick his
12:28
head out the window. Let the guy behind
12:30
us worry about it.
12:31
We're not going. Oh, come on. It's
12:34
probably just something he ate. All
12:36
right. What have you eaten in the last
12:37
24 hours? Well, let's see. Two bowls of
12:39
cocoa puffs. Uh, a couple of blueberry
12:42
Pop-Tarts. bag of string cheese. That
12:45
reminds me, we need more string cheese.
12:48
Then for lunch, a hot pocket and a bagel
12:50
bite. Then dinner,
12:53
fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a
12:57
bologn sandwich.
12:59
Okay, it's not what he ate.
13:01
Then for snack, I had a glass of tang
13:04
and some Cheetos.
13:06
That explains the orange vomit. It's
13:07
probably some kind of stomach virus. Oh,
13:10
please. I throw up all the time. It's
13:12
just nature's way of saying everybody
13:14
out of the pool.
13:15
I'm putting him to bed. Come on. They
13:18
have beds in Vegas. What if he needs a
13:19
doctor? They have doctors in Vegas. I
13:21
bet if we looked around, we could find a
13:24
casino with a hospital theme. You know,
13:25
Caesar's cyani or something.
13:28
I'll get it.
13:32
Hello. Hey, Mom. Fine.
13:36
Nothing. Oh, yeah. I threw up in Uncle
13:40
Charlie's umbrella stand and we're going
13:42
to Vegas. No.
13:44
What kind of a father are you? Hey, I am
13:48
a good father. The minute he threw up, I
13:50
canceled the trip. But you were planning
13:52
to take my 11-year-old child to Las
13:54
Vegas. It's really a family town now.
13:55
The mob hardly has any influence at all
14:00
anymore.
14:02
Oh, good. Charlie, that helps. When were
14:04
you planning on telling me about this
14:07
trip? What happens in Vegas stays Vegas.
14:09
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.
14:14
Honey, why don't you go lie down? Why?
14:16
I'm fine. Uncle Charlie, is it too late
14:19
to get our beds down with Coupe? What
14:21
beds? Whose coupe? Go lie down. You're
14:22
delirious.
14:25
Oh, Charlie. Charlie, come here. Say
14:28
hello to your uncle Charlie. Hey, Uncle
14:29
Charlie. Hi, Jake. I can see you. I can
14:31
see you, too.
14:35
So,
14:38
what's new?
14:40
How much? What's new with you? Nothing.
14:41
Oh, wait. I Googled you and you'll never
14:44
guess what I found. Jake, are you in the
14:47
bathtub? Yeah. Got to go. No, no, no.
14:49
Wait, wait, wait. Jake, what are you
14:52
talking about? What's he talking about?
14:53
I don't know, but if you Google me,
14:56
you'll find two pages that mention my
14:58
San Frernando Valley Chiropractor of the
14:59
year award.
15:01
That's nice. Get out of the way.
15:03
Oh. Uh, careful. There's a there's
15:07
another Alan J. Harper. Uh, he's a
15:08
school bus driver and he he also makes
15:11
these decorative pigs out of bleach
15:13
bottles and pipe cleaners. I'm not
15:15
googling you. I'm googling me.
15:18
Uh-oh.
15:23
charlie Harper sucks.com.
15:24
It's got to be a different Charlie
15:28
Harper.
15:29
[Laughter]
15:32
Okay. I have a bad feeling.
15:37
Oh boy.
15:43
Oh man.
15:45
Oh crap.
15:48
Are you still reading that thing? How
15:51
can I not? It's an entire website
15:53
devoted to trashing me. Listen to this.
15:55
Has anybody had sex with Charlie where
15:58
he actually bothered to take his socks
16:00
off?
16:01
That's just mean. I have bad circulation
16:04
in my feet. They get cold.
16:06
Check this out. Some girl posted audio
16:09
off her answering machine.
16:12
Hey, it's me. I just wanted to tell you
16:15
I had a great time last night. I'm
16:17
looking forward. Hello, Charlie.
16:19
Yeah. Hi. We weren't together last
16:22
night.
16:25
Uh,
16:26
no. Beth, Thursday.
16:30
I had a great time with you Thursday.
16:34
And I thought that maybe
16:35
Oh, well, what am I going to do? Every
16:38
woman in the city can see this stuff.
16:41
Every woman in the world.
16:43
God.
16:46
Well, you know what they say. Any
16:47
publicity is
16:50
good publicity.
16:52
No. No. No. No. What I do requires
16:54
secrecy. I need shadows and darkness.
16:56
I'm like a magician. If everybody knows
16:59
how I do it, it ceases to be
17:01
entertaining.
17:03
Frequently asked questions. Don't read
17:07
that. Yeah, right. Uh, okay. Question.
17:09
How long can you expect to date Charlie
17:13
after you have sex with him? Uh, answer.
17:15
It depends how late you sleep the next
17:17
morning.
17:19
Oh, come on. This is funny. You're just
17:21
too close to it.
17:23
Is this the new Oshikuru Demon Samurai?
17:28
Yeah. What are you doing with it? It's
17:31
being turned into a Saturday morning
17:34
cartoon and they asked me to write the
17:35
theme song. Awesome.
17:36
Yeah. Want to hear what I got so far?
17:39
Sure. So, I'll be like the first kid in
17:41
the world to hear this. Yep.
17:44
Now, this is just a rough version, but
17:48
you get an idea of the feel of it. Okay.
17:49
Oh
17:54
shu. Oh
17:57
shuru. My oh my. He's a demon samurai.
18:00
Who's the guy who had to die? Oh shu.
18:06
Boy,
18:10
that really blows.
18:12
Excuse me. Did you even read the comic?
18:16
Yeah, I looked it over.
18:20
Oh, really? What's it about?
18:22
Uh, it's about this guy named Oshikuru
18:25
who dies and comes back as a what do you
18:28
call it? Samurai.
18:31
And he's a demon.
18:34
No, it's about a teenage boy in a
18:36
futuristic society who's possessed by
18:38
the torture soul of a fetal Japanese
18:41
warrior condemned to walk the earth
18:43
fighting the evil he once embodied. So,
18:45
what's your point? He lives in a dark
18:48
world. He battles the spirits of the
18:51
damned. Your thing doesn't capture the
18:52
mood at all. It just blows.
18:54
Okay. Okay. You said blows already. Did
18:57
I say big baby chunks?
19:00
All right, fine. Thanks for your input.
19:03
Now, why don't you go read Lord of the
19:06
Flies and let me do my job. Well, if
19:08
your job is ruining a great comic book,
19:10
you can call it a night. I heard that.
19:12
Good.
19:14
Hey, it's on.
19:17
Oh
19:20
shu. Oh
19:22
shu. My oh my. He's a demon samurai.
19:26
Who's the guy who had to die? Oh shu.
19:32
That's not what we wrote. That's your
19:36
original sucky version. What can I tell
19:38
you? Network like that one better. What
19:41
are they? Brain damaged.
19:43
Welcome to show business, kid.
19:46
I still think it's snappy.
19:51
What you doing?
19:54
I'm working.
19:56
You're not going to get much done with
19:58
the TV on. What are you, my mother? Your
20:00
mother says that, too?
20:03
Listen, when you write music for a
20:06
living, you have to wait for
20:07
inspiration.
20:09
Nope, not yet.
20:13
Hey, Charlie. You want to come to the
20:16
movies with us? I can't. He's working.
20:17
On what? Liver failure.
20:21
Wonderful. He's my mother. You're my
20:24
doctor.
20:26
Oh, I assume you finished reading Lord
20:27
of the Flies for your book report.
20:29
Uh-huh. Oh, good. Uh, how'd you like it?
20:30
I thought it was a timeless American
20:33
classic.
20:36
I see. So, tell me, what's it about? You
20:38
mean the book?
20:42
Yeah, the book. Um, it's called Lord of
20:45
the Flies,
20:48
and it's about a really big fly that all
20:50
the other flies prey to.
20:55
You thought he didn't read it.
21:00
Oh, I was just joking.
21:03
It's more like Charlotte's Web, but from
21:07
the flies point of view.
21:10
Jake, you've had more than a week. Well,
21:14
why didn't you read the book? Um, I've
21:15
been waiting for inspiration.
21:18
I had a boy.
21:21
Okay. How's this for inspiration? We're
21:23
not going to the movies. And you're not
21:25
doing anything else until you finish
21:27
reading that book.
21:29
That's not fair. Of course, it's fair.
21:31
We had a deal and you didn't keep your
21:33
end of it. Oh, so now two wrongs make a
21:34
right.
21:36
Bet you didn't see that one coming.
21:39
Look, Jake, you're really going to like
21:42
this book if you give it a chance. It's
21:44
about kids stranded on a deserted
21:45
island. How they get stranded? Their
21:47
plane crashes. Oh, really? Then what
21:49
happens? Well, this one kid named Ralph
21:52
becomes their leader and they form the
21:55
society and just read the book.
21:56
One big fly, huh?
22:02
Hey, I took a shot.
22:05
Honey, I'm home
22:10
in the kitchen.
22:13
Kids okay?
22:16
How's the beaver?
22:20
Everybody's fine. How's Vegas? You know,
22:22
the usual. How was your weekend? Pretty
22:25
good. Met a girl.
22:27
[Applause]
22:34
Did her name happen to be Gretchen?
22:36
yellow.
22:39
That's indelible marker, you know. I
22:44
know. And don't worry, it'll come off in
22:46
a few weeks. That's what I figured. Does
22:47
she still have her little mustache? You
22:49
know, down at the Russian front.
22:51
I wouldn't know what she's got. I was
22:55
blindfolded in hog tied. Right.
22:57
Why are you wearing sunglasses? No
23:01
reason. Why don't you take them off?
23:02
Okay, fine. You might as well know.
23:05
Bar fight.
23:12
Oh no. What happened? Uh, some bikers
23:14
were giving a stripper a hard time, so I
23:16
jumped in. You're kidding. You know me.
23:18
I can't stand to see a naked high heeled
23:22
glitter covered ping pong ball shooting
23:24
woman in distress.
23:26
Oh, that that sounds very brave. Good
23:30
for you. Thank you. H um Charlie. Yeah.
23:34
Uh if you're going to go with that
23:39
story, you might want to ask mom to stop
23:40
telling people you had your eyes done.
23:42
Damn.
23:45
The mummy strikes again.
23:47
You know, it's actually not a bad look.
23:52
Shame one guy had to ruin it for
23:57
everybody.
23:58
Are you sending us to military school?
24:00
No, of course not. Why would you think
24:03
that? I don't know. 16 years of bargain
24:05
pizza with fake cheese and Sam's Club
24:07
vanilla wafers for dessert.
24:09
I don't want to go to military school.
24:13
No one's going to military school. But
24:14
there is uh something we wanted to talk
24:17
to you about. Here it comes. Relax. It's
24:19
good news, Alan. All right. Uh, as you
24:22
both know, uh, Lindsay and I have been
24:26
dating now for 6 months. Oh, man. Did he
24:28
knock you up? No. just be quiet and
24:31
listen. Anyway, uh we've both grown very
24:34
fond of each other during that time. You
24:38
are using protection, right?
24:40
That's none of your business, but I'm
24:42
glad you're paying attention in health
24:44
class.
24:45
But what I'm trying to say is that
24:47
Lindsay and I have decided to live
24:49
together.
24:52
I don't think Uncle Charlie's going to
24:55
like that. He's never been real pleased
24:56
that you and I moved in.
24:57
Uh no, no, no. We're going to live at
25:01
Lindsay's and Eldrich's house. But I
25:02
stay here, right? No. When you're not at
25:04
your mom's, she'll be with us. So, I'm
25:07
losing my weekend beach house.
25:09
Yeah, but you're gaining a whole family.
25:12
I'd rather have a weekend beach house.
25:14
Do I have to share my bathroom with him?
25:17
Eldridge, what's wrong with sharing a
25:18
bathroom with me? I like my privacy.
25:20
Yeah, we all know what that's about.
25:22
Jake, you're Mr. Whack-a-ole, not me.
25:23
Yeah, well, at least I don't watch gay
25:26
porn. That was a total accident.
25:27
I don't want to live with him. Well, you
25:31
don't have to worry about it cuz I'm not
25:32
going. Guys, guys, come on. No, forget
25:33
it. I mean, it's bad enough you're
25:35
sleeping with this loser. Aldridge, are
25:37
you calling my dad a loser? You call him
25:39
a loser all the time. He's my dad. I'm
25:40
allowed. Well, uh, Jake, technically,
25:43
you're not allowed. Is it okay for me to
25:45
call your mom what you call her? What do
25:46
you call me? Okay, we've gotten off
25:48
track here. Uh, who's ready for
25:50
cupcakes? Screw you and your cupcakes.
25:52
Yeah,
25:54
I'll just uh take one for later.
26:01
Days are here again. The skies above are
26:06
clear again. I'm getting rid of the
26:10
queer again. Happy days are here again.
26:12
Hey. Hey there. Oh, there. What are you
26:16
doing? Just thought I'd help you get a
26:20
jump on the packing. Oh. Oh, well, you
26:21
can unpack cuz I'm not leaving. What?
26:24
No. The boys just won't go along with
26:27
it. You're giving those two morons a
26:30
vote. It's too traumatic. You know,
26:32
turning their lives upside down. So, let
26:34
them be traumatized. That's the trouble
26:36
with kids these days. Not enough trauma.
26:38
Charlie, I'm sorry. I know you were
26:41
looking forward to having the house back
26:42
to yourself, but it's just not going to
26:44
happen. Oh, it's going to happen. As God
26:45
is my witness, and by all that's holy,
26:48
it's going to happen.
26:50
Hey man, keep packing.
26:53
He couldn't spell miscellaneous.
27:04
It's my life in my house. I don't need
27:06
your permission. I don't care. I'll just
27:08
go live with dad and Stephanie. Oh,
27:09
won't that be nice? You'll be reunited
27:11
with your old babysitter. Excuse us.
27:13
Walk. Dude, don't dude me. I'm in no
27:16
mood for dude.
27:18
Ow.
27:21
Dude, don't dude him, dude.
27:27
All right. What's this I hear about you
27:30
guys not wanting to live together. I
27:32
know my privacy, and I think things are
27:33
fine. It was a rhetorical question. I
27:35
don't give a rat's ass.
27:36
Now, the happiness of your parents is at
27:40
stake here. So, we're going to reason
27:42
this out like adults in the interest of
27:44
all involved.
27:46
Here's five minute notes.
27:48
Split it up any way you want. Nice. And
27:52
that's just the down payment. There's an
27:55
extra hundred in there for every month
27:56
you keep my brother out of my house.
27:57
$100 a month? That's like a $1,000 a
27:59
year
28:02
almost.
28:04
Do we have a deal? Deal. Great.
28:08
I should write a book on parenting.
28:12
How are we supposed to split this? I
28:17
don't know, dude. No matter how I figure
28:19
it, there's going to be one left over.
28:21
I'm never going to drink again.
28:27
Quitter.
28:30
Charlie. Oh, right. Data, boy.
28:32
Here's your waist basket. I rinsed it
28:37
out, but there are still some tiny
28:40
chunks in the weave.
28:41
Maybe you could use your dad's water
28:44
pick.
28:45
Give the kid a break for his hung over.
28:48
Oh, the poor deer.
28:50
Next time, tell your friends to puke out
28:54
the window.
28:56
Want to know a surefire hangover cure?
29:00
Never stop drinking.
29:04
Charlie, let me finish. Or never start
29:07
in the first place.
29:10
See how I turned that around? Bring it
29:12
home, Dr. Cosby.
29:14
All right. For starters, you and
29:18
Eldridge stole beer that did not belong
29:20
to you. That is not how I raised you.
29:21
Hey. Hey. Jake's friend show up. Yeah,
29:25
he's here. When's he leaving?
29:28
I said he could spend the night. Really?
29:31
Did you consider clearing it with me?
29:33
You would have said no to Jake having a
29:35
friend over. If you recall, seven years
29:37
ago, I said no to having Jake over. And
29:39
yet here he is. So, what's the point in
29:42
asking?
29:44
Fine.
29:45
What do we know about the little drummer
29:47
boy? Not much. Jake says he's one of the
29:48
cool kids at school. Why is he hanging
29:51
out with Jake?
29:53
You're saying my son's not cool? I'm
29:55
saying your son got his tongue stuck to
29:56
the freezer last weekend. That could
29:58
have happened to anybody. Anybody who
30:00
tried to pick up an Eskimo pie with
30:02
their tongue?
30:03
His hands were full. With a honeybaked
30:05
ham.
30:08
Okay, so he's not cool and he eats a lot
30:10
of crap and his grades aren't the best
30:12
and his personal hygiene is a little
30:14
sketchy.
30:16
Is there a butt coming?
30:18
But he's my son and I love him.
30:20
What's so funny? Mom says the same thing
30:28
about you.
30:30
Really? Mom says she loves me.
30:33
Hey, Charles. So, when you say a bunch
30:37
of you stayed to clean up, how many are
30:40
you talking about? I don't know. A
30:42
couple. Uh-huh.
30:44
You know, technically a couple is two.
30:48
So, are you saying there were two people
30:51
in addition to you and Brad or just you
30:52
and Brad? What are you getting at?
30:54
Nothing. Just trying to get an accurate
30:56
headcount. You could have come with me,
30:58
you know. I know. It'd be nice for us to
31:00
do some things together once in a while.
31:03
We do plenty of things together besides
31:06
sex. Oh,
31:08
when Brad's wife was alive, they played
31:12
tennis every day. Probably what killed
31:13
her.
31:15
She was hit by a car.
31:17
Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball.
31:20
You know, like a dog.
31:24
You throw it, run after it, even if
31:28
there's traffic.
31:30
Goofy dogs.
31:33
The hell is that? Two guys in a cage
31:44
beating the snot out of each other.
31:47
Can't believe I wasted so many years
31:49
watching cartoons.
31:51
Turn it down. Hi, Captain Douche. Who
31:53
needs to talk about Brad? No. No, we
31:57
don't. I'm sorry. I trust you and I was
32:00
totally and completely wrong to think
32:04
there might be something going on
32:06
between you two. Thank you for that.
32:07
You're welcome. Okay, let's go home.
32:09
Hold on. I do have a confession to make.
32:13
Oh, this is never good.
32:17
The reason I got so upset by the things
32:21
you said was because well, you kind of
32:23
touched a nerve. Yeah, I do that. I'm a
32:26
nerve toucher. Runs in the family.
32:28
Okay. Hey, well, confession's over and
32:32
you forgive me. I forgive you. Let's go
32:34
home. I'm not done. A crap.
32:36
Thing is, I was kind of attracted to
32:43
Brad.
32:45
He's a great guy and we have a lot in
32:47
common.
32:49
He loves his family and really cares
32:51
about his friends and his community.
32:54
I'm taking from your tone that stuff's
32:57
important to you.
32:58
Yes, Charlie. It's important to me.
33:01
Okay.
33:03
Did you and Brad do anything
33:05
other than talk? Of course not.
33:08
Nothing's happened. Oh, thank God. But
33:11
while I do love you, I need to know you
33:14
care as much as I do. I do. You say
33:17
that, but are you willing to really work
33:20
on our relationship? Of course I am. We
33:22
can start doing things together,
33:25
community things, you know, with the the
33:27
the the kids that are poor and the old
33:29
people that fall and can't get up.
33:32
What about your family? I get a new
33:36
family.
33:37
I'm telling you, I can change. I can be
33:40
a better man, the man you want me to be.
33:43
And I promise you,
33:47
Excuse me.
33:49
Oh my god. I am so so sorry. You threw
33:53
up on my baby.
33:57
Anyway, to be fair, I don't think the
34:00
carrots were mine. Get away from him,
34:02
you kid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
34:04
Cute kid.
34:09
Chelse.
34:14
[Music]
34:25
I just got a call from Chelsea.
34:31
Yeah.
34:34
She said she wants to postpone the
34:36
wedding.
34:38
I know.
34:40
I'm sorry.
34:43
Thanks.
34:46
Believe it or not, I do love you and I
34:48
hate to see you hurt.
34:52
Yeah, well, I guess I kind of had it
34:54
coming.
34:57
But you tried.
34:59
I did.
35:01
I just have one question.
35:05
What's that? Did you really vomit on a
35:08
baby?
35:11
Don't beat yourself up too much. We've
35:18
all done that.
35:20
No kidding.
35:23
Of course, most of us do it on our own
35:26
babies.
35:29
Hey, Jake. What's this? A phone message?
35:33
Yeah, some lady called for you. Who? I
35:35
can't read your writing.
35:38
You're a big selfish jerk.
35:42
Okay, I know who this is.
35:48
Amy.
35:52
Probably Amy.
35:55
Yep. Amy, she wants you to call her
35:57
back. Yeah, that'll happen. Why not? Cuz
35:58
I never said I'd call her back.
36:02
Remember this, Jake.
36:06
Never make promises to women that you
36:08
don't intend to keep. And you know how
36:09
you do that? Always keep my promises.
36:11
That might work.
36:13
A better way is never make promises.
36:16
What happens if Amy calls again? Okay,
36:19
I'm glad you asked that. When the phone
36:22
rings at Uncle Charlie's house, we don't
36:25
just willy-nilly pick up the receiver
36:26
and answer it. No,
36:28
what we do is we check the caller ID.
36:31
And only pick up if we want to talk to
36:36
that person. Like mom, it depends.
36:38
Your mom? Yes. My mom knew.
36:43
How come you don't want to talk to your
36:47
mom? I'll tell you all about that when
36:48
you're old enough to drink.
36:50
What if I want to talk to your mom?
36:53
Okay. That kind of attitude is going to
36:55
break down the whole system. I really
36:57
want to apologize for putting you
37:00
through this. I was wrong to blame you
37:01
for my unhappiness. No, no need to
37:03
apologize. What what's important is that
37:05
we're here and we're working on our
37:07
marriage. You look great, by the way.
37:08
Must be all the extra oxygen they pump
37:10
into the casinos.
37:12
And and and and you were right. I I see
37:14
now that the time apart did us both a
37:16
lot of good. I know I've grown. I am not
37:17
that suffocating guy you threw out of
37:20
the house four and a half days ago. Let
37:21
me tell you that. Alan. And Jake's doing
37:23
fine. I know you were concerned about
37:25
him being around my brother, but it
37:26
turns out Charlie's great with kids. All
37:28
right, last card. Down and dirty.
37:30
King's bet.
37:34
Dollar. I'm in. In.
37:36
I'll see the dollar.
37:39
Raise it five.
37:42
You raise $5 on that. I call
37:45
queens full of nines.
37:51
Hey kid, don't you know what a full
37:54
house is? Yeah. And I also know what a
37:56
psychot is.
37:58
I love this boy.
38:01
And and and I I think that we're going
38:03
to look back on this as as as a new
38:05
beginning for our marriage, a rebirth, a
38:07
renaissance, if you will. Alan, I think
38:09
I'm gay.
38:10
All right,
38:16
we'll make a list
38:19
on one side. We'll put gay stuff.
38:22
I'll see you
38:25
and raise you 20.
38:28
Think he's got you, pal. He's bluffing.
38:34
He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
38:37
By the mighty mouse, you win.
38:41
Take him down.
38:46
Call you.
38:52
I hate this kid.
38:54
What the hell is going on here? You said
38:58
hell.
39:00
Throw a dollar in the pot. What? Hey, we
39:02
all had to.
39:06
Charlie, may I speak with you privately,
39:09
please?
39:11
Whose deal is it? Jake, go to bed. I'm
39:13
out.
39:15
Hey, where have you guys been? Van Eyes.
39:18
What were you doing in Van Eyes? That's
39:22
where the jail is.
39:23
What? I got arrested. You're kidding.
39:26
What for?
39:30
Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 mph.
39:31
And I was in the passenger seat.
39:34
Yes, I was driving. Therefore, you were
39:38
in the passenger seat.
39:40
Anyway, it turns out I had a couple
39:44
unpaid parking tickets. 17.
39:46
Thank you. They arrested you for unpaid
39:51
parking tickets? Well, there was also a
39:53
bench warrant when I didn't show up in
39:55
court. Well, how could you not show up
39:57
in court? Don't they send you a summon?
39:59
Lots of them, but I threw them away.
40:01
I thought they were for jury duty.
40:06
Long story short, when I didn't show up,
40:09
they suspended my license. Then I was in
40:11
the passenger seat.
40:14
So, you were driving with a suspended
40:16
license? Only for a couple of years.
40:18
Luckily though, my license was fine. So,
40:23
when they took him to the police
40:24
station, I followed in the Mercedes. By
40:25
the way, I reset all your radio stations
40:28
to good stuff.
40:29
I'd like to be alone now, Jake.
40:32
Understandable. You've been through a
40:33
lot. By the way, if you need anyone to
40:35
drive you to the movies or the mall or
40:38
strip club, I'm available.
40:39
Appreciate it. And you can just relax in
40:42
the passenger seat like I did earlier
40:44
today. Get out.
40:46
All right. I put Jake to bed. I folded
40:50
the laundry. I put the groceries away.
40:52
Guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
40:55
Yeah, well, that's all I got. I'll be
40:57
back in a little while. Where are you
40:59
going? Oh, I have to bring the garbage
41:01
cans back in. Today wasn't garbage day.
41:03
Oh, no, not here. At Judith's. At
41:05
Judith's?
41:08
Alan, your wife threw you out. Yeah,
41:10
well, that doesn't mean she doesn't need
41:12
me. Yeah, it kind of does.
41:14
Well, look, we're still married. It's
41:18
still my house, and she still counts on
41:21
me to do a few chores. It It's good. It
41:23
leaves the door open for, you know,
41:25
reconciliation.
41:27
I see. So, how do you lift those garbage
41:29
cans without a spine?
41:32
They're on wheels.
41:39
What are you watching?
41:50
I'm watching a movie. And you're not
41:52
supposed to be watching anything. Oh,
41:55
yeah. Is that guy a good guy or a bad
41:57
guy? Good guy. And you're not supposed
42:00
to be watching TV. I know.
42:03
Is that his girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.
42:10
But he still loves her, right? I'm not
42:13
going to walk you through the whole
42:15
movie.
42:16
I think so.
42:19
Go to bed, Jake.
42:21
Okay.
42:23
Who's that guy? That's the guy who's in
42:28
jail with and told him where the money
42:30
was heading. All right.
42:32
Hey, you're being punished. No TV. I
42:35
know.
42:38
What the hell is going on,
42:41
Jake? night.
42:45
Hey, I'm watching that. What part of no
42:51
TV didn't you understand?
42:53
Oh, man.
42:56
Shoe.
43:12
Jake.
43:26
Jake. It was on when I came in.
43:29
Yeah, right. What did I tell you about
43:34
leaving juice boxes on my piano? How do
43:37
you know it's mine?
43:39
Oh, come on. Who else around here drinks
43:42
Transylvania goofy juice?
43:45
Good point.
43:49
And another thing, were you on the deck
43:51
feeding the seagulls again? Sorry, I
43:53
forgot.
43:55
Okay, we need to talk.
43:58
Love you, Uncle Charlie.
44:02
Look, we don't feed the seagulls because
44:05
you can't get rid of them. And we don't
44:07
leave the doors and windows open because
44:09
we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying
44:10
in the house. Okay. No, no, no. Don't
44:12
don't don't just say okay. This is not
44:14
the grown-up telling the kid what to do.
44:16
This is just two guys agreeing how to
44:18
live together. Are we cool? Yeah. Cool.
44:19
Jake,
44:24
what you got there? Just a little bread.
44:26
Please tell me you're not feeding the
44:29
seagulls again.
44:31
Okay.
44:35
Man, did you let another one of those
44:38
big flappy bastards in the house?
44:39
You have to put it all in the swear jar.
44:42
You some bastards. Smart. Poke the bear.
44:43
I'm telling you, Jake, this is the last.
44:48
Yikes.
44:55
I got to get Gail out of here before I
44:59
do something I'm going to regret. You
45:01
know, after I thoroughly enjoy it.
45:03
Just tell her to leave. I can't do that.
45:07
She's Chelsea's best friend. And they
45:09
were college roommates. Really?
45:11
You think they experimented?
45:15
Oh, yeah.
45:17
[Laughter]
45:19
[Applause]
45:23
I got to figure out a way to get Gail to
45:25
leave on her own. You got the perfect
45:27
tool for the job. What are you talking
45:29
about? The one tool that's guaranteed to
45:31
drive any woman out of your house.
45:34
Hello.
45:36
Oh, look. It's an Allen wrench.
45:40
What was that about? Nothing. Nothing. I
45:46
was just telling Burda that maybe I was
45:49
wrong about you not having a shot with
45:51
Gail. Why did you say something? Did she
45:52
ask about me?
45:54
Uhoh.
46:22
[Music]
46:26
Charlie.
46:29
Charlie. No way, Alan. I really think
46:30
you need to wake up now.
46:34
[Applause]
46:36
Chelsea's sleeping perhaps, but not
46:38
here.
46:42
What the hell is your problem?
46:45
Oh dear.
46:49
What happened? I don't know.
46:53
Where is she?
46:57
What the hell do you know, Alan? I know.
47:00
We're in a strange woman's bed together.
47:03
Naked.
47:07
Let's get the hell out of here. Good
47:17
idea.
47:19
Do you remember anything? Well, I
47:23
remember we were in Pavlos. Oh, yeah.
47:25
Yeah. Yeah. You were hitting on some
47:27
chick.
47:28
Guess it worked.
47:29
You don't remember how I did it. Focus.
47:32
Okay. Right. Right. I I I think there
47:35
was something about a trailer in Sun
47:36
Valley. Are we in Idaho?
47:38
No mountains, no snow.
47:43
Why are you wearing my underwear?
47:48
Why are you wearing mine? Oh, boy.
47:50
Let's just go. Should we leave her a
47:56
little note? What? You know, thank you.
47:58
Maybe my phone number. Are you crazy?
48:01
Just keep moving. But she's cute and I'm
48:03
going to need a plus one for your
48:05
wedding. Oh my god, my wedding. You're
48:06
right. It could be awkward. You are a
48:08
misogynist. You are a mistake.
48:11
You are a What are we up to? N. Thank
48:15
you. Uh, you are a necroiliac.
48:20
She was drunk, not dead. I challenge
48:24
[Applause]
48:29
Okay, fine. You're a narcissist. Better.
48:32
Mhm.
48:34
You are a Nancy boy.
48:36
You are old.
48:39
You are oddly
48:44
shaped.
48:48
Hang on.
48:50
You are a parasite. Not your turn.
48:53
Hello. Oh, hey Judith. What's up?
48:56
What do you mean? What happened with
49:00
Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we
49:01
went driving to the movies. Um, ice
49:04
cream. Quack. Rectal. Suck one.
49:06
I never got my pee. All you do is pee.
49:09
What? What? Nothing. Little little word
49:14
game, you know. Exercise the brain.
49:16
Twit. Turd burglar.
49:18
Judith. I don't know what Jake's problem
49:21
is. We had a terrific weekend.
49:23
Huh?
49:27
Jake says he doesn't want to come here
49:28
anymore. Really? Why?
49:30
I know it. Did he say why?
49:33
Charlie and I don't bicker.
49:36
I mean, no more than any other couple
49:39
of guys.
49:44
Right. Right. Oh. Oh. Oh. You are a
49:47
unic.
49:50
That's E, not you. Learn to spell.
49:52
Useless.
49:55
Look, I don't know what to tell you.
49:57
He's a teenager. He'll get over it.
49:59
Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. Well, I hope you're
50:02
happy. I haven't been happy in 7 years.
50:05
For your information, I will not have
50:09
been here 7 years until next fall. Oh,
50:10
good to know. Circle the date on the
50:13
calendar so I know when to hang myself.
50:15
Haha, funny. It's because of you. Jake
50:17
doesn't want to come here anymore.
50:19
Great. Tell me what I did so I can do it
50:21
to you.
50:23
You are such a What are we up to?
50:26
Varmint.
50:29
You are a varmint. Yeah, well, you are a
50:31
vagina.
50:36
You're calling me a vagina? No, no, no,
50:41
no, no, no. That's too good for you.
50:43
What you are is
50:46
vagina adjacent.
50:48
You know, for some women, this could be
50:52
considered a hostile work environment.
50:54
Uncle Charlie, what you hungry?
51:02
Cuz if you are, we could go get
51:07
something to eat. And I'll even drive.
51:09
Jake, I'm sleeping.
51:13
Okay.
51:15
You know, you can nap in the car. I just
51:20
got to have an adult with me. They don't
51:22
have to be conscious.
51:24
I'm not hungry. Okay, fine.
51:26
You want to go see a movie? Cuz if you
51:33
do,
51:34
maybe after your nap.
51:37
Crap. Now I'm awake. Great. You hungry?
51:45
Can't I at least back it out? No. Come
51:51
on. Nothing's going to happen. Look, you
51:54
want to eat or not? Fine. What if we
51:57
went to an empty parking lot? Could I
52:00
drive it then? Damn it, Jake. How many
52:01
times I got to tell you?
52:03
What was that? I don't know. Sounds like
52:08
you ran over a cat.
52:12
[Music]
52:17
歌词与翻译
[中文]
嗯，好消息是
大量的特许权使用费将在未来几个月内
流入。
太棒了。问题解决了。我们出去吃
晚餐吧。不，问题没有解决。但我
饿了。习惯它。
需要一段时间才能还清
您的会计师忽略的所有账单。
所以在那之前，您将不得不
削减开支。但你说我会收到钱
。我去拿纸杯好吗？
好的。我们剪什么？好吧，让我们看看
您的开支。呃，第一件事是我们
停止向您的会计师付款。这是
有点冷，不是吗？
他是一个很棒的人。我认识他
年了。他刚刚经历了
的艰难时期。查理，你破产了。你是
对的。操他。接下来怎么办？嗯，你
有一个园丁。为什么你有一个
园丁？照料我的花园。
花园？你是说
甲板上的两棵盆栽棕榈树吗？
自己给它们浇水。好的，但我要去
去买一根软管和其中一个
浇水的东西。那么，这不是一种
的推动吗？
走了。现在，终极首映
卫星包。哦，那真的
很酷。我了解
世界中的所有体育赛事。如果马达加斯加的一个孩子向一棵树扔一块
石头，我可以看到它并在
上打赌。
它消失了。哦，伙计。不过我们可以保留
电缆，对吧？您有卫星
和有线电视。有时会有
太阳耀斑。好的，我们可以缩减到基本的
电缆。基本电缆？这就是他们在监狱里得到的
。
嘿，你在做什么？糟糕的时光，罗斯。
钱有问题吧？
你怎么知道的？我从 Bura 购买了您的
浓缩咖啡机。我买了很多东西，因为
她不想把它带上公共汽车。
太棒了。查理，杂项现金
开支。那到底是什么？
我不知道。去看电影，买一只热狗
，诸如此类。去年是 80,000 美元
。
哦，那是女人和赌博。
消失了。伟大的。我为什么不
开枪自杀呢？你买不起枪。
你知道，我可以借给你一些钱，
查理。这非常贴心，罗斯，但我
真的不想开枪自杀。
查理，在我看来，你要么
必须削减开支，要么
在其他地方
找到钱来支付账单。好的。
我要借房子。您已经
获得了三笔抵押贷款。这么多吗？如果您有三栋房子，则不是
。
让我问你一个棘手的问题。
如果向妈妈申请
短期贷款，您会怎么想？ H 有趣的想法。
我想我宁愿让一群鬣狗
撕下并吞掉我的肠子。
是的，我知道。我知道。我买不起
鬣狗。
早上好，巴。
需要帮助吗？是的。来我家
并向我女儿解释一下，我们不会
为持有哥斯达黎加
护照的可爱小伙子提供保释。
早上。我给你买了杂货，查理。
你欠我 74 美元。为什么不直接使用
我的信用卡呢？我试过。有趣的故事。
我的白金卡。
看看他们对我的白金卡做了什么。
他们砍下了我的全息鹰的头。
是的。是的，这很伤心。你欠我 74
块钱。放松。我会给你写一张支票。
呃呃。
维拉，我的价格是 74 美元。好吧，有一个
助理商店经理，皮肤不好
和一把剪刀，乞求
不同。显然他犯了一个错误。
交给我吧。我会纠正它。
艾伦，我该怎么办？
呃，致电发卡银行
，了解发生了什么事。好
主意。
如何获取号码？它通常位于卡的背面
。
好的，这可能需要一段时间。
你确定吗？
好的，谢谢。
我不相信。
四
个月内我的任何账单都没有支付。我的信用被毁了。我所有的卡
死了。好吧，查理，你不必担心
这周要付钱给我。
谢谢你，巴。我会带着这台
浓缩咖啡机上路。
情况好转时给我打电话。
嘿，叮当声怎么样？
的歌词很好。音乐需要一点工作。
杰克怎么样？哦，他会没事的。呃，我
在家里呆了一段时间。
我们看了一些电影。我呃我给我们做了
一些汤和几个三明治。
呃朱迪思建议我带我的去
去。
建议？
好吧，她启动了我的车，把我的
三明治扔到后座上。很粗糙。
呃，听着。呃，恐怕我还有
个坏消息要告诉你。哦，不。我忘了
把Porky带回来。
看，就是这样。
没有什么能让 Porky 回来。
什么？什么？波基死了。伙计，伙计，
伙计。就这些了，伙计们。
哦，天啊。
哦，天啊。
没关系。我们可以 我们可以给杰克
再找一只豚鼠。杰克会没事的。
这是他三年来的第四只猪肉。
他穿它们比鞋子还快。
不，这关乎我的生活。
一切都会陷入地狱。
好的。嗯，我我不哭。我们
仍然可以是朋友。
什么？对不起。当有人在这里
唯一知道要说的话。
哭泣时，这是我
我很抱歉，Porky。
你只是一直在你的
小笼子里跑来跑去，试图让每个人
开心。
你会得到什么？你会死的。
你知道猪听不到你说话，
对吗？
你不明白吗？我是猪。好的。
好的。我我我只是问，因为你的
你的反应对我来说似乎不太健康
。查理，你认为
什么是健康的？我不知道。为什么
我们不把猪肉扔进海里然后
被轰炸？
[鼓掌]
你怎么能这样？你怎么可以？
好的。
查理，我现在告诉你，我
今晚不会和你一起睡觉。哦，
哇哦，哇哦。那是从哪里来的？
请你喝几杯，邀请你
回我家，突然之间，
你以为我想和你一起睡觉吗？
是的。你的意思是你不这样做？嘿，我们刚刚
见面。我们来谈谈吧。互相了解一下。
如果稍后发生
的事情，那就太好了。如果没有，我们就各自结交了
一位新朋友。
这非常甜蜜。好吧，我的母亲
从小就教育我要尊重女性，而
我总是说，“混蛋。”
什么？
这就是奶油糖果。
大约 30 秒后，它们将变成
奶油糖果栓剂。
谢谢。好吧，我们有一场狂野的表演。
早上。
早上。我忍不住注意到 Goodwill 的
人把艾伦的
兽皮拖走了一点。
哦，是的。他不再住在这里了。
不是开玩笑。艾伦走了。是的。哇。
那么，你根本就没有想过
我可能想隐藏一下吗？
抱歉。你想要一些花毛巾吗？ B.
那么，是什么让你们的两只爱情鸟分手了呢？
他越界了。一定是一个
大的。很大。是钱吗？更糟糕的是，
是一个女人。更糟糕的是。还有什么比金钱
和女人更糟糕的呢？
他买了一个丑陋的碗，放在
前面的桌子上。
不。
然后当我告诉他把它扔掉时，
他在里面装满了糖果，然后把它放在
咖啡桌上。亲爱的上帝。
什么样的糖果？奶油糖果。 M.
我的意思是，
的儿子，你在取笑我吗？我想。
那么，什么？你认为我应该让
他把糖果盘放在他想要的任何地方吗？
不，你是对的。显然他必须
走。他是一个忘恩负义的寄生虫，
超越了他的界限。确切地。
而另一方面，你是一个
完全理性的人，没有任何
控制问题。
我付钱给你不是为了嘲笑我，查理。
你必须付钱给我，让我不这么做
告诉医生，如果我是一棵树，
皮疹主要出现在
长满青苔的树干区域，
[笑声]
但我开始在
相邻的巨石上看到一些红色。
哦，来吧。树，两块巨石。您不明白哪
部分？
嘿。嘿。好吧，让他给我打电话。
收到杰克的消息了吗？没有。我会打电话给他
他妈妈家。看看学校怎么样？艾伦，
你觉得这看起来被感染了吗？什么？
哦，
把它拿开。我不是要
你去挠它。看看吧。不，
谢谢。但你是一名医生。我是一名
脊椎按摩师。
我的工作涉及椎骨。与
流行的看法相反，阴茎中没有一根
骨头。
哦，嗨朱迪思。
呃，不，没什么。我当时只是
和查理说话。呃，嘿。嘿，
杰克放学回家了吗？不，哦，好吧。
嗯，我只是想知道他的第
天过得怎么样。呃，让他给我打电话。好的。
谢谢。再见。
嗯？
希望他没有在午餐时间在
露天看台下徘徊。啊，他比那聪明
。聪明，查理。他
只从六年级毕业，因为他
再也无法坐在课桌上了。
好吧，如果您担心的话，只需
拨打他的手机即可。好主意。
[笑声]
好吧，这将是一个糟糕的
周末。试着和一个除了
11 岁孩子一起度过。
抱怨之外什么也不做的
你是说我吗？
嗯，难怪他们要把你的
名字写在你的内衣上。
我该怎么办？
看电视。啥也没有啊玩
视频游戏。我把它们都玩了。阅读
本书。你说得对。现在是谁？
好的，这是一个雨天活动。这个
12场大学篮球比赛。拨打此号码并要求
周末有
Coupe。告诉他您要找
Bo Jingles 先生，并写下他
告诉您的所有内容。我可以做一些吗
？你有钱吗？如果你
付给我你欠我的钱，
你就可以在这里接受教育。那是
无价的。
发生了什么事？只是谈论
选择大学。我是唤醒
森林的公爵。有预感。
你已经让他考虑上大学了
。不客气。
嗯，你没有发烧。我告诉过你
他很好。我们走吧。查理，他把
扔到了你的伞架上。你错过了
吗？所以维加斯到处都是
呕吐的人。
他们在呕吐物的海洋上建造了这座城市。
我没事。我可以走了。这就是精神。
你真的想开着 5 小时穿越
沙漠，让一个呕吐的孩子坐在你的新奔驰
后座吗？他可以将他的
头伸出窗外。让我们
背后的人来担心吧。
我们不会去。哦，来吧。这可能是
他吃的东西。全部
都对。您在过去
24 小时内吃了什么？好吧，让我们看看。两碗
可可泡芙。呃，几个蓝莓
馅饼。一袋串奶酪。
提醒我，我们需要更多的奶酪丝。
然后吃午餐，一个热袋和一个百吉饼
一口。然后是晚餐，
炸鸡、土豆泥和
肉酱三明治。
好吧，这不是他吃的东西。
然后作为零食，我喝了一杯汤
和一些奇多。
这解释了橙色呕吐物。
可能是某种胃病毒。哦，
，拜托。我总是呕吐。这只是
大自然告诉每个人
离开泳池的方式。
我要让他上床睡觉。快点。他们
在维加斯有床位。如果他需要
医生怎么办？他们在维加斯有医生。我
打赌，如果我们环顾四周，我们可以找到一家以医院为主题的
赌场。你知道，
凯撒的cyani之类的。
我会得到它。
你好。嘿，妈妈。美好的。
什么也没有。哦，是的。我吐在
查理叔叔的雨伞架上，我们要去
维加斯。不。
你是一位什么样的父亲？嘿，我是
一个好父亲。他呕吐的那一刻，我
取消了这次旅行。但您计划
带我 11 岁的孩子去拉斯维加斯
维加斯。现在它确实是一个家庭小镇。
暴徒几乎不再有任何影响力
了。
哦，很好。查理，这有帮助。
你打算什么时候告诉我这次
旅行？维加斯发生的事情就留在维加斯。
哦，很好，杰克。这有帮助。
亲爱的，你为什么不去躺下呢？为什么？
我很好。查理叔叔，现在把我们的床放在 Coupe 上是不是太晚了
？什么
张床？谁的轿跑车？去躺下吧。你
神志不清。
哦，查理。查理，过来。向你的查理叔叔问好
。嘿，
查理叔叔。嗨，杰克。我能看到你。我也可以
见到你。
那么，
有什么新变化吗？
多少钱？你有什么新鲜事吗？没有什么。
哦，等等。我用 Google 搜索了你，你永远不会
猜到我发现了什么。杰克，你在
浴缸里吗？是的。得走了。不，不，不。
等等，等等，等等。杰克，你
在说什么？他在说什么？
我不知道，但是如果你用 Google 搜索我，
你会发现有两个页面提到了我的
圣弗雷南多谷脊椎按摩师
年奖。
太好了。走开。
哦。呃，小心点。还有
另一个艾伦·J.哈珀。呃，他是一名
校车司机，他还用
这些装饰猪。我不会
漂白剂瓶和管道清洁剂制作了
谷歌搜索你。我正在谷歌搜索我。
呃哦。
查理·哈珀（charlie Harper）sucks.com。
一定是一个不同的查理
哈珀。
[笑声]
好的。我有一种不好的预感。
天哪。
天啊。
哦糟糕。
你还在读那本书吗？我怎么能不
呢？整个网站
都致力于对我进行垃圾处理。听听这个。
有没有人与查理发生性关系，而查理
竟然费尽心思脱掉袜子
？
这太卑鄙了。我的脚循环不良
。他们变冷了。
看看这个。一些女孩从她的答录机上发布了音频
。
嘿，是我。我只是想告诉你
我昨晚过得很开心。我
期待着。你好，查理。
是的。你好。昨晚
晚上我们没有在一起。
呃，
不。贝丝，星期四。
星期四我和你度过了一段愉快的时光。
我想也许
哦，好吧，我该怎么办？这个城市的每个
女人都可以看到这些东西。
世界上的每个女人。
上帝啊。
好吧，你知道他们说什么。任何
宣传都是
好的宣传。
不，不，不，不。我所做的事情需要
保密。我需要阴影和黑暗。
我就像一个魔术师。如果每个人都知道
我是怎么做的，那么它就不再
有趣了。
常见问题。不要读
那个。是的，对。呃，好吧。问题。
在与查理
发生性关系后，您预计可以与他约会多久？呃，回答一下。
这取决于您第二天早上睡的时间。
。
哦，来吧。这很有趣。你只是
离它太近了。
这是新的押仓恶魔武士吗？
是的。你用它做什么？它
被改编成周六早上的
动画片，他们要求我写
主题曲。惊人的。
是的。想听听我到目前为止得到了什么吗？
当然。所以，我将成为
世界上第一个听到这个消息的孩子。是的。
现在，这只是一个粗略版本，但
您已经了解了它的感觉。好的。
噢
舒。哦
舒鲁。我的天哪。他是恶魔武士。
那个必须死的人是谁？哦舒。
男孩，
真是太棒了。
对不起。你甚至看过漫画吗？
是的，我看过了。
哦，真的吗？是关于什么的？
呃，这是关于一个名叫 Oshikuru
的人的故事，他死后以一个你
的名字回来了？武士。
他是一个恶魔。
不，这是关于
未来社会中的一个十几岁男孩被
一个胎儿日本
武士的折磨灵魂附身，注定要在地球上行走
与他曾经体现的邪恶作斗争的故事。那么，
你的观点是什么？他生活在一个黑暗的
世界中。他与
该死的灵魂战斗。你的东西根本没有捕捉到
的情绪。它只是吹。
好的。好的。你已经说打击了。
我说的是大块婴儿吗？
好吧，好吧。感谢您的意见。
现在，你为什么不去读《蝇王》
并让我做我的工作。好吧，如果
你的工作毁了一本伟大的漫画书，
你就到此为止吧。我听到了。
好。
嘿，开始了。
噢
舒。噢
舒。我的天哪。他是恶魔武士。
那个必须死的人是谁？哦舒。
这不是我们写的。这就是你的
原始糟糕版本。我能告诉你什么
？网络这样的更好。它们是什么
？大脑受损。
欢迎来到演艺界，孩子。
我仍然认为它很敏捷。
你在做什么？
我正在工作。
...
打开电视后您不会做太多事情。你是什么，我的妈妈？你的
妈妈也这么说？
听着，当你以
为生而写音乐时，你必须等待
灵感。
不，还没有。
嘿，查理。你想和我们一起去看
部电影吗？我不能。他正在工作。
关于什么？肝功能衰竭。
太棒了。他是我的母亲。你是我的
医生。
哦，我想你已经读完《蝇王
》的读书报告了。
嗯。哦，很好。呃，你觉得怎么样？
我认为这是永恒的美国
经典。
我明白了。那么，告诉我，它是关于什么的？你
指的是这本书吗？
是的，这本书。嗯，它的名字叫《蝇王》
，
，讲述的是一只非常大的苍蝇，所有
其他苍蝇都捕食它。
你以为他没有读过。
哦，我只是开玩笑。
它更像是夏洛特的网，但从
苍蝇的角度来看。
杰克，你已经有一个多星期了。好吧，
你为什么不读这本书？嗯，我
一直在等待灵感。
我有一个男孩。
好的。这个灵感怎么样？我们
不去看电影。在您
做任何其他事情。
读完那本书之前，您不会
这不公平。当然，这是公平的。
我们达成了一项协议，但你没有履行
协议。哦，现在两个错误使
正确。
我打赌你没有看到那个人的到来。
听着，杰克，如果你有机会的话，你真的会喜欢
这本书的。这是
关于孩子们被困在
荒岛上的故事。他们是如何陷入困境的？他们的
飞机失事。哦真的吗？那么
会发生什么？好吧，这个名叫拉尔夫
的孩子成为了他们的领导者，他们组成了
社团，并且刚刚读了这本书。
一只大苍蝇，是吗？
嘿，我开了一枪。
亲爱的，我
在家厨房里。
孩子们还好吗？
海狸怎么样？
大家都很好。维加斯怎么样？你知道，
和平常一样。你周末过得怎么样？相当
好。认识了一个女孩。
[鼓掌]
她的名字碰巧是格雷琴吗？
黄色。
你知道，这是不可磨灭的标记。我
知道。别担心，几周后
就会脱落。我就是这么想的。
她还有小胡子吗？你
知道，在俄罗斯前线。
我不知道她有什么。我被
蒙着眼睛，绑在猪身上。正确的。
你为什么戴墨镜？没有
原因。你为什么不把它们脱掉呢？
好吧，好吧。你或许也知道。
酒吧打斗。
哦不。发生了什么？呃，一些骑自行车的人
正在给脱衣舞娘制造麻烦，所以我
跳了进来。你在开玩笑吧。你了解我。
我无法忍受看到一个裸体高跟鞋
闪闪发光的乒乓球射击
遇险的女人。
哦，这听起来很勇敢。好的
给你。谢谢。嗯，查理。是的。
呃，如果您要接受
的故事，您可能会要求妈妈停止
告诉别人您已经做过眼睛手术。
该死的。
木乃伊再次出击。
你知道，它看起来其实并不难看。
可惜一个人不得不毁掉
每个人的一切。
你要送我们去军校吗？
不，当然不是。你为什么会这么想
？我不知道。 16 年特价
假奶酪披萨和山姆会员店
香草威化甜点。
我不想去军校。
没有人去军校。但是
我们想和你谈谈
一些事情。它来了。放松。这是
好消息，艾伦。好的。呃，你们
都知道，呃，林赛和我已经
约会六个月了。哦，伙计。他
把你打倒了吗？不，只要安静并
倾听即可。不管怎样，呃，在那段时间我们都变得非常
喜欢对方。您
正在使用保护措施，对吗？
这不关你的事，但我
很高兴你在健康
课上专心听讲。
但我想说的是
Lindsay 和我决定
住在一起。
我认为查理叔叔不会
那样。
你和我搬进去后他从来没有真正高兴过。
呃不，不，不。我们将住在
Lindsay 和Eldrich 的房子里。但我
留在这里，对吗？不。当您不在
您妈妈家时，她会和我们在一起。所以，我
失去了我的周末海滨别墅。
是的，但你将获得一个完整的家庭。
我宁愿拥有一个周末海滨别墅。
我必须和他共用浴室吗？
Eldridge，与我共用
浴室有什么问题吗？我喜欢我的隐私。
是的，我们都知道那是什么意思。
杰克，你是 Whack-a-ole 先生，而不是我。
是的，好吧，至少我不看同性恋
色情片。那完全是一场意外。
我不想和他住在一起。好吧，你
不必担心，因为我不会
去。伙计们，伙计们，加油。不，忘了
吧。我的意思是，你
和这个失败者睡觉就已经够糟糕了。阿尔德里奇，
你是在说我爸爸是失败者吗？你一直称他
为失败者。他是我爸爸。我被允许
。好吧，呃，杰克，从技术上来说，
你不被允许。我可以
按照你的称呼来称呼你妈妈吗？
你叫我什么？好的，我们已经偏离
轨道了。呃，谁准备好吃
个纸杯蛋糕了吗？管你和你的纸杯蛋糕。
是的，
我稍后再拿一张。
天又来了。上面的天空又
晴朗了。我又要摆脱
酷儿了。快乐的日子又来了。
嘿。嘿。哦，在那里。你
在做什么？只是想我会帮助你在包装上获得
跳跃。哦。哦，好吧，你
可以打开行李了，因为我不会离开。什么？
不。男孩们就是不会同意
。你给这两个白痴投了
一票。太伤人了。你知道，
让他们的生活发生了翻天覆地的变化。所以，让
他们受到创伤吧。这就是当今孩子们的麻烦
。创伤还不够。
查理，对不起。我知道您
期待着将房子重新归为自己
，但这不会
发生。哦，这将会发生。正如上帝
为我作证，并且以神圣的名义，
这将会发生。
嘿伙计，继续收拾行李吧。
他不会拼写杂项。
这是我在家里的生活。我不需要
你的许可。我不在乎。我会
去和爸爸和斯蒂芬妮住在一起。噢，
这样不是很好吗？你将与你的老保姆
重聚。对不起。
步行。伙计，别逗我了。我没心情
伙计。
噢。
老兄，别老他，老兄。
好吧。我听说你们
个家伙不想住在一起，这是怎么回事。我
了解我的隐私，并且我认为事情是
很好。这是一个反问句。我
一点也不在乎。
现在，你父母的幸福与否关系到
。因此，为了
。
所有参与者的利益，我们将像成年人一样推理
这是五分钟的笔记。
按照您想要的方式拆分它。好的。
这只是首付款。每个月都会有
额外的一百
，你不让我的兄弟进入我的房子。
每月 100 美元？这大约相当于
年
1,000 美元。
我们达成协议吗？交易。伟大的。
我应该写一本关于育儿的书。
我们应该如何分割它？我
不知道，伙计。不管我怎么算
，总会剩下一个。
我再也不会喝酒了。
放弃者。
查理。哦，对了。数据，男孩。
这是你的腰篮。我把它冲洗掉
，但织物中仍然有一些微小的
块。
也许你可以用你爸爸的水
选择。
让孩子在宿醉后休息一下。
哦，可怜的鹿。
下次，告诉你的朋友
从窗户里吐出来。
想知道宿醉的万无一失的治疗方法吗？
永远不要停止饮酒。
查理，让我说完。或者从一开始就不要开始
。
看看我是如何扭转局面的吗？把它
带回家，科斯比博士。
好吧。首先，你和
埃尔德里奇偷了不属于
你的啤酒。我不是这样养育你的。
嘿。嘿。杰克的朋友出现了。是的，
他在这里。他什么时候走？
我说他可以过夜。真的吗？
你考虑过和我一起清理吗？
你可能会拒绝杰克邀请
朋友过来。如果你还记得的话，七年前
，我拒绝邀请杰克过来。
但他来了。那么，
问有什么意义呢？
好的。
我们对小鼓手
男孩了解多少？不多。杰克说他是学校里
很酷的孩子之一。他为什么要和杰克一起出去玩
？
你是说我儿子不酷？我
说你儿子上周末的舌头被
的冰箱卡住了。这可能
发生在任何人身上。有人
尝试用
舌头拿起爱斯基摩派吗？
他的双手已经满了。配蜜烤
火腿。
好吧，所以他并不酷，他吃了很多
垃圾，他的成绩也不是最好的
，而且他的个人卫生有点
粗略。
有屁股来吗？
但他是我的儿子，我爱他。
有什么好笑的？妈妈对你也说了同样的话
。
真的吗？妈妈说她爱我。
嘿，查尔斯。那么，当您说你们中的
人留下来打扫卫生时，您指的是
有多少人？我不知道。一对
夫妇。嗯嗯。
您知道，从技术上讲，一对就是两个。
那么，你是说除了你和布拉德之外还有两个人
还是只有你
和布拉德？你到底想说什么？
什么也没有。只是想获得准确的
人数。你可以和我一起去，
你知道。我知道。如果我们偶尔
一起做一些事情就好了。
除了
性之外，我们还一起做很多事情。哦，
当布拉德的妻子活着时，他们每天都打
网球。可能是什么杀死了
她。
她被车撞了。
也许她正在追一个网球。
你知道，就像狗一样。
你扔它，追它，即使
有交通。
高飞狗。
这到底是啥？笼子里的两个家伙
互相殴打。
不敢相信我浪费了这么多年
看动画片。
将其调低。嗨，杜什船长。谁
需要谈论布拉德？不，不，我们
不这样做。对不起。我相信你，我
认为
你们两个之间可能发生了
的事情，这是完全错误的。谢谢你。
不客气。好吧，我们回家吧。
坚持一下。我确实有件事要坦白。
哦，这可不好。
我对你所说的
事情感到如此不安，是因为你
触动了我的神经。是的，我就是这么做的。我是一个
神经敏感者。在家庭中运行。
好的。嘿，好吧，忏悔结束了，
你原谅我吧。我原谅你了。我们
回家吧。我还没有完成。废话。
事实是，我有点被
布拉德吸引。
他是一个很棒的人，我们有很多
共同点。
他爱他的家人，并且真正关心
他的朋友和社区。
我从你的语气中得知，这件事对你
很重要。
是的，查理。这对我很重要。
好的。
除了说话之外，你和布拉德还做过什么
吗？当然不是。
什么也没发生。哦，感谢上帝。但是
虽然我确实爱你，但我需要知道你
和我一样关心你。我愿意。你这么说
，但你愿意为我们的关系真正努力
吗？我当然是。我们
可以开始一起做事，
社区的事情，你知道，与
贫困的孩子和
跌倒爬不起来的老人一起做。
你的家人呢？我有了一个新的
家庭。
我告诉你，我可以改变。我可以
成为一个更好的人，你希望我成为的人。
我向你保证，
对不起。
天啊。我非常非常抱歉。你把
扔到我的宝宝身上了。
无论如何，公平地说，我不认为
胡萝卜是我的。离他远点，
你孩子。对不起。对不起。
可爱的孩子。
切尔西。
[音乐]
我刚刚接到切尔西打来的电话。
是的。
她说她想推迟
婚礼。
我知道。
对不起。
谢谢。
不管你相信与否，我确实爱你，但我
不愿意看到你受伤。
是的，好吧，我想我已经
来了。
但你尝试过。
我做到了。
我只有一个问题。
那是什么？你真的吐在
婴儿身上了吗？
不要太自责。我们已经
都完成了。
不是开玩笑。
当然，我们大多数人都会对自己的
婴儿这样做。
嘿，杰克。这是什么？电话留言？
是的，有位女士打电话找你。 WHO？我
无法阅读你的文字。
你真是个自私的混蛋。
好的，我知道这是谁了。
艾米。
可能是艾米。
是的。艾米，她希望您给她回电
。是的，那会发生。为什么不呢？因为
我从来没有说过我会给她回电话。
记住这一点，杰克。
切勿向女性做出
不打算遵守的承诺。你知道
是怎么做到的吗？永远遵守我的承诺。
这可能有用。
更好的方法是永远不要做出承诺。
如果艾米再次打电话会怎样？好的，
我很高兴你问这个问题。当查理叔叔家里的电话
响起时，我们不会
只是随意拿起听筒
并接听。不，
我们所做的是检查来电显示。
并且只有当我们想与
那个人交谈时才接听。像妈妈一样，这取决于。
你妈妈？是的。我妈妈知道。
你为什么不想和你的
妈妈说话？当
你到了可以喝酒的年龄时，我会告诉你这一切。
如果我想和你妈妈说话怎么办？
好的。这种态度将会
破坏整个系统。我真的
想为让你
经历这一切而道歉。我错误地将我的不快乐归咎于你
。不，不需要
道歉。重要的是
我们在这里并且正在为我们的
婚姻而努力。顺便说一句，你看起来很棒。
一定是他们向赌场注入
的所有额外氧气。
而且，而且，你是对的。我现在看到
，分开的时间给我们俩带来了
很多好处。我知道我已经长大了。我不是
四天半前你
从房子里赶出来的那个令人窒息的家伙。让
我告诉你。艾伦.杰克做得很好
。我知道你担心
他和我哥哥在一起，但这
事实证明查理很适合孩子。全部
对了，最后一张牌。又低又脏。
国王的赌注。
美元。我在。在。
我会看到美元。
将其提高五。
您为此筹集了 5 美元。我称
皇后为 9。
嘿孩子，你不知道什么是完整的
房子吗？是的。我也知道什么是
精神病。
我爱这个男孩。
而且我认为我们将
回顾这一切，将其视为我们婚姻的一个新的
开始，一次重生，一次
复兴，如果你愿意的话。艾伦，我想
我是同性恋。
好吧，
我们将在一侧制作一个列表
。我们会放同性恋的东西。
我会见到你
并养育你20岁。
相信他已经抓住你了，朋友。他是在虚张声势。
他虚张声势的时候总是拉着耳朵。
靠着强大的老鼠，你赢了。
把他打倒。
给你打电话。
我讨厌这个孩子。
这到底是怎么回事？你说#{29}地狱。
...
往锅里扔一美元。什么？嘿，我们
都必须这样做。
查理，我可以和你私聊一下吗
？
这是谁的交易？杰克，去睡觉吧。我
出去了。
嘿，你们去哪儿了？范眼睛。
你在 Van Eyes 做什么？那是监狱所在的
。
什么？我被捕了。你开玩笑吧。
有什么用？
显然，我以 64 英里/小时的速度闯了红灯。
我坐在乘客座位上。
是的，我正在开车。因此，您在乘客座位上
。
无论如何，我有几张
未付停车罚单。 17.
谢谢。他们因未付
停车罚单而逮捕了你？好吧，当我没有出庭时，还有
法官逮捕令。
法庭。那么，你怎么能不出庭
呢？他们没有给你传唤吗？
很多，但我把它们扔掉了。
我以为他们是陪审员。
长话短说，当我没有出现时，
他们吊销了我的执照。然后我坐在
乘客座位上。
那么，您是持吊销的
驾照驾驶的？只持续了几年。
不过幸运的是，我的许可证没问题。所以，
当他们把他带到警察局
时，我开着奔驰车跟着。顺便说一下
，我将您所有的广播电台
重置为好内容。
我现在想一个人呆着，杰克。
可以理解。您已经经历了
多次。顺便说一句，如果您需要有人
开车送您去电影院、商场或
脱衣舞俱乐部，我随时可以提供服务。
欣赏它。您可以在
乘客座位上放松，就像我今天
早些时候所做的那样。出去。
好吧。我把杰克放到床上。我叠了
件衣服。我把杂货收起来。
内疚对我不起作用，艾伦。
是的，好吧，这就是我所得到的。我很快就会
回来。你
要去哪里？哦，我必须把
个垃圾桶带回来。今天不是垃圾日。
哦，不，不在这里。在朱迪思家。在
朱迪思家？
艾伦，你妻子把你赶了出去。是的，
好吧，这并不意味着她不需要
我。是的，确实如此。
好吧，看，我们还是夫妻。
仍然是我的房子，她仍然指望
我做一些家务。它很好。它
为
和解敞开了大门。
我明白了。那么，如何举起那些没有脊柱的
垃圾桶呢？
他们有轮子。
你在看什么？
我正在看电影。而且你不应该
看任何东西。哦，
是的。那家伙是好人还是坏人
？好人。而且你不应该
看电视。我知道。
那是他女朋友吗？前女友。
但他仍然爱她，对吧？我不会
向您介绍整部
电影。
我想是的。
去睡觉吧，杰克。
好的。
那个人是谁？就是那个和他一起关进
监狱并告诉他
钱去向的人。好的。
嘿，你正在受到惩罚。没有电视。我
知道。
到底发生了什么事，
杰克？夜晚。
嘿，我正在看。
电视的哪一部分是您不明白的？
哦，伙计。
鞋。
杰克。
杰克。我进来的时候它已经打开了。
是的，对。关于
把果汁盒留在我的钢琴上，我告诉过你什么？
你怎么知道它是我的？
哦，来吧。这里还有谁喝
特兰西瓦尼亚傻乎乎的果汁？
好点。
还有一件事，你又在甲板上
喂海鸥了吗？抱歉，我
忘记了。
好的，我们需要谈谈。
爱你，查理叔叔。
看，我们不喂海鸥，因为
你无法摆脱它们。而且我们不会
让门窗开着，因为
我们的房子里会飞
各种虫子和粪便。好的。不，不，不。不要
不要只是说好。这不是
大人告诉孩子该做什么。
这只是两个人就如何
共同生活达成一致。我们酷吗？是的。凉爽的。
杰克，
你在那里得到了什么？只是一点面包。
请告诉我您不再喂
海鸥。
好的。
伙计，你是不是又让那些
的大混蛋进屋了？
你必须把它们全部放进脏话罐里。
你们这些混蛋。聪明的。戳一下熊。
我告诉你，杰克，这是最后一次。
哎呀。
在我
做一些让我后悔的事情之前，我必须让盖尔离开这里。你
知道，在我彻底享受它之后。
只要告诉她离开即可。我不能那样做。
她是切尔西最好的朋友。他们
是大学室友。真的吗？
你认为他们进行了实验？
哦，是的。
[笑声]
[掌声]
我得想办法让盖尔
自己离开。您拥有适合这项工作的完美
工具。你在说什么
？这是一款保证
将任何女人赶出你家的工具。
你好。
哦，看。这是一把内六角扳手。
那是关于什么的？没有什么。没有什么。我
只是告诉伯达，关于你没有和
错了。你为什么说了什么？她
盖尔一起拍摄的事情，我可能
问过我吗？
呃。
[音乐]
查理。
查理。没办法，艾伦。我真的认为
你现在需要醒来。
[掌声]
切尔西也许在睡觉，但
这里没有。
你到底有什么问题？
哦天哪。
发生了什么？我不知道。
她在哪里？
你到底知道什么，艾伦？我知道。
我们一起睡在一个陌生女人的床上。
裸体。
我们离开这里吧。好
主意。
你还记得什么吗？好吧，我
记得我们在帕夫洛斯。哦，是的。
是的。是的。你正在勾搭一些
小妞。
我猜它成功了。
你不记得我是怎么做到的。重点。
好的。正确的。正确的。我我我认为
是关于太阳
谷的预告片的。我们在爱达荷州吗？
没有山，没有雪。
你为什么穿着我的内衣？
你为什么穿我的？哦，男孩。
我们走吧。我们应该给她留一张
小纸条吗？什么？你知道，谢谢。
也许是我的电话号码。你疯了？
继续前进。但她很可爱，我
需要为你的
婚礼加一。天哪，我的婚礼。你是
对的。这可能会很尴尬。你是一个
厌恶女性者。你是一个错误。
你是我们在做什么？ N.谢谢
你。呃，你是个死灵。
她喝醉了，没有死。我挑战
[鼓掌]
好吧，好吧。你是个自恋者。更好的。
嗯。
你是南希男孩。
你老了。
你的形状很奇怪
。
坚持住。
你是一个寄生虫。还没轮到你。
你好。哦，嘿朱迪思。这是怎么回事？
你是什么意思？
杰克怎么了？我们度过了一个愉快的周末。好吧，我们
开车去看电影。嗯，冰淇淋
。嘎嘎。直肠。吸一个。
我从来没有尿过。你所做的就是撒尿。
什么？什么？没有什么。小小的文字
游戏，你知道。锻炼大脑。
叽叽喳喳。臭小偷。
朱迪思。我不知道杰克的问题
是什么。我们度过了一个愉快的周末。
啊？
杰克说他不想再来这里
了。真的吗？为什么？
我知道。他有说为什么吗？
查理和我不争吵。
我的意思是，不比任何其他
的人多。
对。正确的。哦。哦。哦。你是
独行者。
那是 E，不是你。学习拼写。
没用。
听着，我不知道该告诉你什么。
他是个青少年。他会克服它的。
好的。好的。再见。好吧，我希望你
快乐。 7年来我没有快乐过。
供您参考，直到明年秋天，我才
来到这里七年。哦，
很高兴知道。在
日历上圈出日期，以便我知道何时上吊。
哈哈，有趣。都是因为你。杰克
不想再来这里了。
太棒了。告诉我我做了什么，这样我就可以为你做
。
你真是个我们在做什么？
鼠鼠。
你是个坏人。是的，好吧，你是
阴道。
你在叫我阴道？不，不，不，
不，不，不。这对你来说太好了。
你的位置是
阴道附近。
您知道，对于某些女性来说，
这可能被视为充满敌意的工作环境。
查理叔叔，你饿什么？
因为如果你是的话，我们可以去
吃点东西。我什至会开车。
杰克，我在睡觉。
好的。
你知道，你可以在车里小睡。我只是
必须有一个成年人陪着我。他们不需要
有意识。
我不饿。好吧，好吧。
你想去看电影吗？因为如果你
这样做，
也许是在你小睡之后。
废话。现在我醒了。伟大的。你饿了吗？
我至少不能撤回它吗？不，来吧
。什么都不会发生。看看，你
想不想吃？美好的。如果我们
去了一个空停车场？那我可以
驾驶它吗？该死的，杰克。我要告诉你多少次
次？
那是什么？我不知道。听起来
你碾压了一只猫。
[音乐]
[英语]
Show
重点词汇
开始练习
| 词汇 | 含义 |
|---|---|
|
substantial /səbˈstæn.ʃəl/ B2 |
|
|
royalties /ˈrɔɪ.əl.tiz/ C1 |
|
|
expenses /ɪkˈspen.sɪz/ B1 |
|
|
gardener /ˈɡɑː.dən.ər/ A2 |
|
|
miscellaneous /ˌmɪs.əlˈeɪ.ni.əs/ C1 |
|
|
slash /slæʃ/ B2 |
|
|
mortgages /ˈmɔː.ɡɪ.dʒɪz/ B2 |
|
|
devour /dɪˈvaʊ.ər/ C1 |
|
|
decapitated /dɪˈkæp.ɪ.teɪ.tɪd/ C2 |
|
|
holographic /ˌhɒl.əˈɡræf.ɪk/ C2 |
|
|
guinea pig /ˈɡɪn.i ˌpɪɡ/ B1 |
|
|
parasite /ˈpær.ə.saɪt/ C1 |
|
|
predominantly /prɪˈdɒm.ɪ.nənt.li/ C1 |
|
|
vertebrae /ˈvɜː.tɪ.breɪ/ C2 |
|
|
chiropractor /ˈkaɪə.rəʊˌpræk.tər/ C2 |
|
|
delirious /dɪˈlɪr.i.əs/ C1 |
|
|
misogynist /mɪˈsɒdʒ.ən.ɪst/ C2 |
|
|
narcissist /ˈnɑː.sɪ.sɪst/ C1 |
|
重点语法结构
即将推出！
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