Aquarius
00:10
There's travel in your future
00:12
When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
00:13
Fill that void in your pathetic life
00:17
By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day
00:19
Pisces
00:22
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus
00:22
You are the true Lord of the dance
00:27
No matter what those idiots at work say
00:30
Aries
00:32
The look on your face will be priceless
00:32
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
00:34
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
00:38
Taurus
00:42
You will never find true happiness
00:42
What you gonna do, cry about it?
00:45
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
00:48
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
00:50
That's your horoscope for today
00:53
That's your horoscope for today
00:58
That's your horoscope for today
01:03
That's your horoscope for today
01:08
Gemini
01:12
Your birthday party will be ruined
01:14
Once again by your explosive flatulence
01:16
Your love life will run into trouble
01:18
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
01:20
Cancer
01:23
the position of Jupiter says that
01:26
You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
01:26
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
01:29
Leo
01:34
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
01:34
And staple it to your bosses face, oh no
01:37
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
01:39
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
01:41
Virgo
01:44
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you
01:45
Expect a big surprise today
01:49
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
01:52
That's your horoscope for today
01:55
That's your horoscope for today
02:00
That's your horoscope for today
02:05
That's your horoscope for today
02:10
Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that
02:13
The relative position of the planets and the stars
02:18
Could have a special deep significance or meaning
02:21
That exclusively applies to only you
02:23
But, let me give you my assurance that
02:25
These forecasts and predictions are all based on
02:26
Solid, scientific, documented evidence
02:28
So you would have to be some kind of moron
02:30
Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true
02:32
Where was I?
02:35
Libra
02:36
A big promotion is just around
02:36
The corner for someone much more talented than you
02:38
Laughter is the very best medicine
02:41
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week
02:43
Scorpio
02:46
get ready for an
02:47
Unexpected trip
02:47
When you fall screaming from an open window
02:48
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
02:51
Sagittarius
02:56
All your friends are laughing behind your back
02:57
Take down all those naked pictures of
03:01
Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den
03:04
Capricorn
03:06
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
03:07
But, you know they're lying
03:11
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
03:12
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
03:14
That's your horoscope for today
03:17
That's your horoscope for today
03:22
That's your horoscope for today
03:27
That's your horoscope for today
03:33
That's your horoscope for today
03:38
That's your horoscope for today
03:43
That's your horoscope for today
03:48
That's your horoscope for today
03:53
歌词与翻译
[中文]
水瓶座
未来你将踏上旅途
当你的舌头粘在高速巴士的后面
用一天17小时的打地鼠游戏
填补你可悲生命中的空虚
双鱼座
尽量避免接触任何携带埃博拉病毒的处女座或狮子座
你是真正的舞王
不管那些工作中的白痴怎么说
白羊座
当你发现结肠里有个40磅重的西瓜时，你脸上的表情将是无价的
When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
与一个白化症侏儒交换牙刷，然后给梅丽尔·斯特里普一个草莓吻
金牛座
你永远不会找到真正的幸福
你会怎么做，为此哭泣吗？
星星预测明天你会醒来
做一堆事情然后再回去睡觉
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
双子座
你的生日派对将被毁掉
再次因为你爆炸性的肠胃问题
你的爱情生活将遇到麻烦
当你的未婚妻用标枪刺穿你的胸口时
巨蟹座
你应该在泥巴里面朝下度过剩下的这一周
你应该在泥巴里面朝下度过剩下的这一周
在参加驾驶考试时，尽量不要把一卷胶带塞进鼻子里
狮子座
现在不是复印你屁股的好时机
然后把它订在你老板的脸上，哦不
吃一桶金枪鱼味的布丁
然后用一加仑的草莓奶昔冲下去
处女座
所有处女座都非常友善和聪明，除了你
今天期待一个大惊喜
当你最终把头插在棍子上时
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
现在你可能会觉得不可思议，或者至少有点不可能
行星和恒星的相对位置
可能具有特殊的深层意义或含义
这只适用于你
但是，让我向你保证
这些预测和预报都是基于
可靠的、科学的、有记录的证据
所以你必须是某种白痴
才不会意识到它们每一条都是绝对真实的
我说到哪了？
天秤座
一个大晋升就在拐角处
对于一个比你更有天赋的人
笑声是最好的药
下周你的阑尾炎发作时记住这一点
天蝎座
意外的旅行
意外的旅行
当你从一个开着的窗户尖叫着摔下来时
努力提高你低的自尊心，你这个愚蠢的怪胎
射手座
你所有的朋友都在背后笑你
把你在书房里挂着的
厄尼斯特·博格宁的所有裸照都拿下来
摩羯座
星星说你是一个令人兴奋和了不起的人
但，你知道他们在说谎
如果我是你，我会锁上门和窗户
并且永远、永远、永远、永远、永远不再离开我的房子
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
这就是你今天的星座运势
[英语]
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